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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We should be leaving to go on holiday today

518 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 02/08/2019 09:16

We should be packing up the van and making the journey to Scotland for a camping trip.

Instead we are waiting to see if my mother will be discharged from hospital.

I shouldn't feel like this but I am as resentful as fuck. My dd is devastated and so i am I quite frankly.

There's a long back story but i am my mother's sole "carer" and she treats me like shit, yet guilt wont allow me to say actually just stay in bloody hospital, pay someone to care for her cat, and piss off.

I get zero support from social services and she refuses to see her GP.

I work ten hour days and was soo looking forward to a break as it has been so bloody awful at work this year.

AIBU to be feeling sorry for myself. The only compensation is that we only paid a £5 deposit as we were camping.

Please come and be nice to me I just feel like crying

OP posts:
WatchingFromTheWings · 02/08/2019 09:31

You need to put yourself and DD first. Just go.

TheChain · 02/08/2019 09:31

I would go.
Just go. She will be taken care of and if her behaviour is irrational and she needs help they’ll get her the proper care she needs.

Don’t put your mum before your daughter, you’re not abandoning your mum... you’re leaving her in suitable care.

If you don’t go on holiday you’re abandoning your daughter’s needs though. She deserves a nice break with her mum and it sounds like you very much need it xx

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 02/08/2019 09:32

I would go. I’d phone the ward to let them know. And I’d write your mum a nice note and tell her you when you will be back and that you will see her as soon as you return.

Unless your mum is seriously ill/dying her needs do not trump the needs of your daughter.

ittooshallpass · 02/08/2019 09:32

I'd go. You could still be waiting for her to 'maybe' get discharged in 3 days time. Nothing will change unless something changes. This is the change that's needed... enjoy your holiday, Guilt free! You and your DD need this break.

Elphame · 02/08/2019 09:32

Go - you need the break.

saraclara · 02/08/2019 09:32

Easy for me to say, but I would go. Your DD is the important one here (not to mention you, of course)

FiveShelties · 02/08/2019 09:32

I think you should go too and enjoy every minute.

Hoppinggreen · 02/08/2019 09:33

Just go, I imagine that up there in Scotland your mobile signal will be patchy so make sure The Hospital know this and not to contact you
If you aren’t there your mother can’t go home, if your guilt won’t let you do it for yourself do it for your dd

ReanimatedSGB · 02/08/2019 09:33

Definitely go; have your holiday. Your mother is an adult, you cannot be forced to look after her or punished in any way for going: as PP said, social services will be called in to assess her and it may be the best thing you can do for her - to make it impossible for her not to engage with HCP.

ALittleBitAlexis · 02/08/2019 09:34

Please go on your holiday - you clearly deserve it and need it, and as PPs have said it might well force the issue with Social Services.

Don't devastate yourself and your daughter for someone who treats you badly - she will be fine without you.

TheChain · 02/08/2019 09:34

Your mother keeps refusing the help she’s being offered because you’re enabling it. She knows she can kick off because you’ll pick up the slack and the expense of your own well-being to look after her.
Fuck that. She’s being selfish.

A week on her own may make her realise how much you do and how much help she really needs.

NoSauce · 02/08/2019 09:34

You still have a life Lem and so does your DD. Speak to the hospital and explain that you’re away this next week as planned.

Then GO.

cuppycakey · 02/08/2019 09:35

I think you should put your DD first here and go on holiday.

GaraMedouar · 02/08/2019 09:35

Go - you need the holiday. Flowers

timeforawine · 02/08/2019 09:35

OP go on your holiday, sounds like you desperately need it and it will make your daughter very happy.
Please go, for your health

azaleanth90 · 02/08/2019 09:35

Please go. Your family needs you! It's not reasonable for elderly parents to hold their kids ransom. There are other ways of managing and she will have to learn to do so. SS and the NHS are trained to find a family member to depend on but if you were abroad or in labour they would have to figure it out and they will.

Zoflorabore · 02/08/2019 09:35

Maybe I'm missing something obvious here op but what was going to happen when you were away in Scotland over your mother? I.e. Who would be caring for her then?

Another one who thinks you should go.
Holidays are good for the soul.

JacquesHammer · 02/08/2019 09:36

You need to put yourself and your daughter first.

You don’t have to do anything.

You need to practise some self care and have a break.

HeyMonkey · 02/08/2019 09:36

Go on holiday OP. Put your phone on mute and only respond to life or death emergencies.

SmileEachDay · 02/08/2019 09:37

I’ve followed your threads about your mum LEM over the years.

She has capacity so they cannot force it upon her

You have capacity, so your mum cannot force this on you. Let SS know you are taking a break with your girl. Then prioritise you.

Either she’ll stay in hospital or she won’t. What is the absolute worse case scenario? You are not responsible for her. You aren’t.

Justmuddlingalong · 02/08/2019 09:38

She's refusing assistance from social work because she expects you to be at her beck and call. She's guilt tripping you. You and your DD have a life too. Don't let your DM dictate what you can and can't do.

BarbedBloom · 02/08/2019 09:38

Just go. There comes a point where you have to draw a line in the sand. She is able to refuse help as she knows you will drop everything to help her. She treats you badly. What message are you giving your daughter here?

Just because someone is ill it doesn't make them a good person who brings good things to your life

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 02/08/2019 09:38

She wants to self discharge. We managed to persuade her to stay yesterday but I don't think we'll be able to do that today.

Do people really think i should go? I was expecting to be told i am BU even considering it.

We are now considering going to Norfolk on Sunday, a 3 hr drive as opposed to a 12hr drive and the forecast for Scotland not great. DP insists we can still go but I'm not convinced it will happen.

OP posts:
CrotchetyQuaver · 02/08/2019 09:39

Your mum sounds like mine Sad she will be fine in hospital without you visiting, you know that. I'd tell the ward you won't be there to support her at home until x date and go off on your holiday. Don't feel guilty, they'll all be trying to do that, but sometimes you need to put your own needs first and this is clearly that time for you. Then it's up to the hospital to decide if safe to discharge her home with no care package in place.

Doilooklikeatourist · 02/08/2019 09:39

Just go on holiday
What about you ?
Who’s looking after your needs and wants ?
Aren’t your DD’s feelings important too
Go , your mother will be ok in hospital

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