Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We should be leaving to go on holiday today

518 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 02/08/2019 09:16

We should be packing up the van and making the journey to Scotland for a camping trip.

Instead we are waiting to see if my mother will be discharged from hospital.

I shouldn't feel like this but I am as resentful as fuck. My dd is devastated and so i am I quite frankly.

There's a long back story but i am my mother's sole "carer" and she treats me like shit, yet guilt wont allow me to say actually just stay in bloody hospital, pay someone to care for her cat, and piss off.

I get zero support from social services and she refuses to see her GP.

I work ten hour days and was soo looking forward to a break as it has been so bloody awful at work this year.

AIBU to be feeling sorry for myself. The only compensation is that we only paid a £5 deposit as we were camping.

Please come and be nice to me I just feel like crying

OP posts:
TheNavigator · 02/08/2019 09:54

You should go. My mum cares for her husband with Alzheimers and recently went on a 10 day holiday abroad. The mental health and social services team applauded her for doing this, as they know she is in for the long haul so has to look after herself so she can continue to be a carer.

It is in everyone's benefit if you take a break, your family get to spend time with you and you will be a nicer person to be with for the break, your DD sees women don't have to be martyred doormats and your mum gets the benefit of a rested carer longer term.

For the love of god just go!

7yo7yo · 02/08/2019 09:54

Nothing to add except my voice to the chorus of “GO”!

nettie434 · 02/08/2019 09:54

Flowers You really should go. Is it too late to pay someone to look after your mother’s cat?

BursarsDriedFrogPills · 02/08/2019 09:55

Definitely go. Think of the moment of relief once you hit the motorway. You deserve that.

agree the forecast in Scotland isn't great but that can change!

Knitwit99 · 02/08/2019 09:55

GO!
And have fun

TalkToMeAboutSocialWorkPlease · 02/08/2019 09:55

Call the ward, tell them you are away in Shetland/orkney/jura/whichever is further until whatever date and that she has no one to look after her.

Then pack the car and go. Get your husband to answer your phone if you really really must. Or just put it on silent. Or switch it off.

Remember to eat lots of nice food and have a great break.

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 02/08/2019 09:55

The trouble is i have already told the hospital I have cancelled. The nurse on the ward has gone out of her way to sort my mum out with sleeping tablets and anti-anxiety meds with a view to discharge today.

We can't go today anyway as my dp has gone to work now (self employed).

If i tell the hospital we are considering gping on Sunday they are going to think im a total areshole

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 02/08/2019 09:55

Go,Go,Go!

As someone that lived her life for her parents and they're wants and has reached 44 and now knows that I will not live as long as my parents did(they've both passed now)I'm ill and disabled(it happened to me when I was 33) and I was still killing myself helping them even though there were other options just like there is for you!

PUT YOUR DD FIRST OP!

Go on holiday,ignore your phone and have a lovely time with tons of support and best wishes from tons of us Flowers

Madfrogs · 02/08/2019 09:56

Go NOW! Seriously though she’s doing it on purpose to keep you here. You, your dp and DD need a break and deserve a holiday. Sod Norfolk it’s too close you will run back. Get ye arse up to Scotland and enjoy rain or no rain. Your a camper you are resilient. Hopefully your site has no signal.

She can fend for her self and accept the help that she needs. Your setting a bad example to your DD being a mug for your mother out of guilt because she’s behaved badly nobody else wants to help her.

Taichipandas · 02/08/2019 09:56

This is a really difficult situation. It's all very well everyone saying "go" but the op may feel very guilty about that and not enjoy the trip.

Op it's up to you to decide what to do this time ; and I hope you do get a holiday! It sounds like you going away having arranged a couple of volunteer home visits from Help the Aged (or whatever they are called now) or similar (such as church outreach group) could be a good compromise. But whatever happens, let this situation be the catalyst to put plans in p!ace for the future.

When your mother has recovered from this current hospital stay you need to present her with a 2020 calendar. Block in all the times when you will be available and then highlight four to six weeks in the year when you won't. Tell her your daughter needs more time with you you and you need holidays as you are working long hours. Keep reminding her about the times you will be away. Encourage to seek help for those times because you won't be available. Provide information and contact numbers for support organisations. Then follow through.

Your mother sounds like she is trying to control everything because she is anxious, so ultimately having to cope with outside help may ultimately be beneficial to her. I hope it works out for you.

NavyBlueHue · 02/08/2019 09:56

Go!

You are the anchor holding this shit situation in place. Without you your DM and SS will be forced to sort everything out for the better.

Go! For your DD and the life she should have. Go!

smurfy19 · 02/08/2019 09:56

Horrible situation for you. In all honesty and as hard as it may be I think you should go. I’ve recently left my job as a home carer with our local council and know that sometimes the only way for people to get the support they need is to refuse to be there for them coming out of hospital. This forces the hospital and social work to kick into action and arrange a care plan for your DM. I would say 99% of our service users were hospital referrals and they get priority second to end of life care for people who’s wish is to pass at home but have had to be in hospice beforehand. Your daughter needs you and it could end up making her resentful. My mil spent a year looking after her DM when my sil was 13 and after her DM passed away my sil went off the rails because she had been put on the back burner at a crucial age. Hope all works well for you and please don’t feel guilty about your DM, you deserve the help that is out there. P.S the weather is also nice where we are in Scotland just now 😂

NavyBlueHue · 02/08/2019 09:56

.... and turn off your mobile too

Madfrogs · 02/08/2019 09:57

Who gives a toss what the nurse thinks? She would likely just be glad to get rid of a pain in the arse women by the sounds of it.

JamdaniSari · 02/08/2019 09:57

Are you an only child OP?

adaline · 02/08/2019 09:57

Just go.

If she's not happy, then that's her lookout. You're not her servant.

MindfulMummy · 02/08/2019 09:57

Rather than teaching your daughter to allow guilt to drive your behaviour, use this opportunity to show her how important self care is and how precious Your family time is. I missed how old she is but have an honest age appropriate chat with her and explain that grandma is trying to insist that you stay but that you and dh feel that the most important thing here is your mental and emotional wellness. Explain to the hospital that you are going away and that there will be no one checking in on your mum for a week. If she refuses any assistance she is offered from ss as you say yourself, she has capacity so it is her choice. She is using guilt to control you and this spell needs to be broken. Use your time away for some fun as well as some quiet reflection. Have a chat with dh and truly examine all the options. Yes she is your mother but she is clearly a controlling and manipulative character and has managed to turn several other family members against her. Why is she your responsibility?
My personal response would also involve 'standing up' to her by gently but strongly explaining that you will be going away because you need and want to. She can choose to either stay in hospital or self discharge. Explain that the situation isn't sustainable and that your mental health is suffering. Ask her to spend the week reflecting on the options nd explain you will support her upon your return but that you can no longer take full responsibility for her care. I wouldn't want to risk my relationships with dh and dd suffering due to their resentment of me making my controling mother the centre of my life.
Sending you strength and self belief. Please remember that putting your needs first in this situation is the opposite of selfish! You won't be in a position to look after anyone in any capacity if you don't first take care of yourself xxx

newmomof1 · 02/08/2019 09:57

The hospital have had to deal with her - they know she's a nightmare. They won't think badly of you and even if they do, it's none of their business

WhateverName2 · 02/08/2019 09:57

Go go go!!! Leave your mum in hospital. Just go. And enjoy!

Quartz2208 · 02/08/2019 09:58

No they won’t both my mum and a friends dad went away (both to Florida and for 2 weeks) when their mums were in hospital with bad falls and both cases were v understanding

Outnotdown · 02/08/2019 09:58

Go. Never mind what the hospital staff think. Just tell them you're not available after all and get on that road!

Doubleraspberry · 02/08/2019 09:59

If i tell the hospital we are considering gping on Sunday they are going to think im a total areshole

(A) they almost certainly won’t and (B) does it matter if they do? Also, if she’s self-discharging, then they should think it’s clinically preferable that you’re not enabling her to leave.

ohfourfoxache · 02/08/2019 09:59

You have to go. You can’t pour water from an empty jug, you have got to refill yourself at some point

llangennith · 02/08/2019 09:59

@TheoriginalLEM Please please go on holiday asap!
Our mother did this to my sister and it almost destroyed her. Luckily (for me) I lived 150 miles away. She insisted my sister visit every day during her lunch break and complained that she wouldn't go and see her in the evenings and both weekend days. Always going to the doctors a short walk from her house but insisted my sister take her etc.
Eventually my sister was so stressed her doctor told her to put herself first and she did. Didn't stop the guilt through.
Then our mother decided I should spend every weekend with her. I didn't of course.
OP you have to put yourself and your little family first and leave your DM to it.
GO ON HOLIDAY!

Ferfeckssake · 02/08/2019 09:59

Not one person thinks you should not go.

I have similar situation , without the nastiness. While my Aunt would PREFER me to stay all the time., I am not willing.
She might not be happy in respite , but she will be safe and secure.
Her happiness does not come before all the family
We all have to put up with circumstances we don't like.She will be OK.
Go to Scotland and relax !