We should be leaving to go on holiday today

[TheoriginalLEM]

We should be packing up the van and making the journey to Scotland for a camping trip.

Instead we are waiting to see if my mother will be discharged from hospital.

I shouldn't feel like this but I am as resentful as fuck. My dd is devastated and so i am I quite frankly.

There's a long back story but i am my mother's sole "carer" and she treats me like shit, yet guilt wont allow me to say actually just stay in bloody hospital, pay someone to care for her cat, and piss off.

I get zero support from social services and she refuses to see her GP.

I work ten hour days and was soo looking forward to a break as it has been so bloody awful at work this year.

AIBU to be feeling sorry for myself. The only compensation is that we only paid a £5 deposit as we were camping.

Please come and be nice to me I just feel like crying

Go go go go go!! And switch off your phone! This could be the watershed which means you start getting help and the situation improves! But regardless of that, you need a break!

you have to think of the positive I can only imagine your selfless attitude is a huge inspiration and role model to your daughter

Sorry I disagree with this totally. The only thing that it will teach the OPs DD is that it's OK to let people treat you like shit. And that leads to a deeply dangerous and unhealthy dynamic in adult relationships.

Go to Scotland!!
A similar situation has arisen in my family, my Dsis is really badly behaved in hospital (she has ongoing health problems) my poor BIL in his late 70's cannot cope and the only way he could get sufficient support was to literally "abandon" her and believe it or not he went to Scotland! (has family there)
It was amazing how all these agencies suddenly sprung into action.
Sort out the cat, pack up and go!!

I also think you should go. If she's home on her own, so be it. That's her decision and if she struggles, maybe it'll force her to accept she needs professional help.

Don't deprive your family of a holiday because of somebody who doesn't deserve your help (and who you already sacrifice so much for).

Go on holiday. You owe it to your daughter and to yourself and your husband.

Your mother is safe. She has capacity.

She is controlling you. Don’t let her. Hopefully This is your line in the sand moment.

Go OP. Only by going will things happen, by staying you are continuing to mask the problem. Should the worst happen it is not your fault, and she had persuaded you to believe it would be. As others have said you have to let the house of yards fall to be rebuilt in a more sustainable footing.

I would use the time away to think about why others won't help and to protect yourself and family a bit more, doubts like you need to put some boundaries in place for self-preservation.

I really hope you get away

Adding my voice to the go on holiday side.

What is the worse that could happen to your mother? She’s fine. She’ll have care and she’s making her own decisions.

You should make good decisions for yourself. You’re daughters going to be grown up soon and you’ll regret not having gone on more holidays with her and spent more happy times with her.

Go on holiday, tell the hospital and SS you will not be available and then switch your phone off and ignore your mother.

Don’t waste your life racing around after someone who isn’t even nice to you.

You’re not being unreasonable or unkind, you need to rest and relax and enjoy your family.

Go on holiday.

Get in the car and go right now.
You have needs, your daughter has needs,your mother has turned down offers of help for her needs. Kids first always. Please just go or you'll be facing this manipulation for years to come and will lose these precious years with your dd. Now put all your stuff in the car and get going... Go enjoy some wet camping.

I think you should go too. She will have to stay where she is, and it sounds like she needs to be there. She wont self discharge once she realises theres no one (you) to look after her.

Just pack up & go. Tell the hospital that there is no one home to look after her for a week & then turn your phone off.

Please, please make sure you have a holiday OP.
I know it's much easier said than done but please don't continue to let your Mum treat you so badly. Previous posters have given great advice and asked the important questions. It says a lot that the rest of her family aren't in touch! Also, she kicked a nurse?!
You can't control her (quite frankly selfish and ridiculous) behaviour, you can only control yours - it's sometimes harder at first to say "No" than "Yes" as people like this do their best to guilt you into saying "Yes" but you need a break with your DP and DD, and going forward, to keep saying "No" where her demands are unreasonable and negatively impact upon you and your own family.

Personally I'd just go. If you ate not there the hospital has to make arrangements. I have a similar relationship with my mother and I've decided that I'm putting myself first from now on starting with a cross country move.

Go, and go today! If your mum chooses to self discharge, that’s up to her. She has capacity so understands the situation she is choosing to put herself in. If she prefers being at home without support to being in hospital or at home with carers that is her choice. Maybe it’ll be a wake up call, maybe not, but it’s her call. She can choose between the available options, and you are not one until after your holiday.
You, your dd and your dh deserve this break and it’s time to put the 3 of you first for once.
Don’t wait until Sunday or you won’t go!

Another one saying go.

It sounds like you've had enough and need a break anyway. You DD needs one too. Your mother is being cared for and I also think she would benefit from seeing that she can't just rely on you as her sole carer and she needs to accept other help. She also needs to treat the staff caring for her a lot better too (obviously if she has dementia and lacks capacity I would understand she is aggressive, but if not, there is simply no excuse however crap you're feeling). This doesn't sound like the case though.

I wouldn't even tell her yourself as she will try to convince you to stay. Just tell the nurses to tell her and say you really need the break and your daughter will be extremely disappointed in missing out her only holiday of the year. They will understand (although if your mother is aggressive, they may be a bit diappointed).

Have you had a carer's assessment/meeting? Could be worth voicing your concerns. If they are unaware services will continue to rely on you. The only way she might get outside support is to withdraw some of yours for a while.

Please go and spend quality time with DD. fingers crossed for sunshine in Scotland!

LEM do you remember when your DD was little? and if she fell over and didn’t see you watching she’d most likely pick herself up and keep playing? And if you went and fussed I bet she cried loads!

And do you know that feeling where you hurt yourself / are feeling sad you sort of just crack on, and if someone is nice to you is makes you want to cry more?

That’s your mum.

She’s doesn’t exactly sound frail and SS says she has capacity. So she’s crying because you are watching.

She’s having panic attack’s and kicking off because you are there. If she’s alone. She’ll pick up and crack on and sort herself out.

You could lose everything, your DD as she grows up and resents what you allowed your mum to take from her.

Your DP because he gets frustrated at always coming last.

Stop watching her.
Stop letting her manipulate you.
There is a reason no other family speak to her.

Turn your phone off and get in the bloody car.

Imagine how light that freedom would feel?

Please go! The only disaster will be that your ‘D’M will be furious, but if you take a proper holiday, you’ll be able to deal with that.
She’s abusive and you are co-dependent. She doesn’t need you, she wants you because being able to make you miserable keeps her happy (in a twisted way).
GO TODAY!

You should go!

The only one making her situation worse is her. She is refusing all other help (and you’ve said she has capacity so knows what’s she’s doing, it’s not part of her illness). She is actively making your life impossibly harder for her own selfishness. That’s not what parents are supposed to do.

Tell the hospital you are going away and won’t be contactable. Your mum is safe there and if she self discharges then she is choosing to put herself in that situation so she can deal with the consequences.

I think you should go and I don't say that lightly. If the hospital don't discharge her then at least you know she's safe and I bet they start putting in place some support.

Go, you can always come back if the situation really requires you to come back but atm she's in hospital and you have a holiday booked- off you go

Please go. Look after you, your dp and your dd. Just go. You are more important than you think.

We are all waiting to give you a collective hug and round of applause when you load up the car and set off for a fantastic holiday!!
Just think ...
sunset
maybe a cheeky cocktail
walk on the beach, the wind blowing through your hair, the sea lapping at your feet
Go and pack!!

I've had this with my exH mother and he put her first all the time. Not me, not his kids, her. Please put your child first, and your partner, and yourself! My eMIL is a large part of my his is an ex, as is the case for thousands of people in this country alone.

She isn't your responsibility, other people can ensure she has care. Go on holiday before your partner and child resent your mother more (I bet they do already)

Go and don’t feel guilty.

Just GO!!!!!! Not getting her own way for once might be the shake up that she needs

Go, your daughter needs to know she comes first. Your mother needs to know your daughter comes first too.