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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We should be leaving to go on holiday today

518 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 02/08/2019 09:16

We should be packing up the van and making the journey to Scotland for a camping trip.

Instead we are waiting to see if my mother will be discharged from hospital.

I shouldn't feel like this but I am as resentful as fuck. My dd is devastated and so i am I quite frankly.

There's a long back story but i am my mother's sole "carer" and she treats me like shit, yet guilt wont allow me to say actually just stay in bloody hospital, pay someone to care for her cat, and piss off.

I get zero support from social services and she refuses to see her GP.

I work ten hour days and was soo looking forward to a break as it has been so bloody awful at work this year.

AIBU to be feeling sorry for myself. The only compensation is that we only paid a £5 deposit as we were camping.

Please come and be nice to me I just feel like crying

OP posts:
greenwaterbottle · 02/08/2019 09:39

She's doesn't need other interfering help because she can make you do it.
Ring the ward and say you'll be in holiday so won't be available to care.
Then go.
While you're away think about what you're happy to do, and not. Then it's up to your mum if she pays or does it herself.
Put yourself and your daughter first.

Doubleraspberry · 02/08/2019 09:40

Please go. Your mother needs to register that you have limits and your own life. Your daughter also needs a holiday.

If no one visits her in hospital all week then she’ll be cross but fine. If she goes home, she may rethink her rejection of support. Make sure you make it clear to the people making the decision on discharge that you will NOT be available for x days.

You need to care for yourself and your daughter.

scubadive · 02/08/2019 09:40

Definitely go on holiday, start packing right now. Make it clear to your mum you are sorry you can’t be there and tell the hospital ward ASAP. You can ring and speak to the nurses and just say you are already away, just arrived in Scotland last night.They can’t discharge her if she can’t look after herself and if she can you don’t need to be

cuppycakey · 02/08/2019 09:40

LEM - you do realise she did this deliberately so you would miss your holiday don't you?

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 02/08/2019 09:40

She sounds very self absorbed OP .

Here is another who thinks you should go .

JacquesHammer · 02/08/2019 09:40

Do people really think i should go?

Without a shadow of a doubt

I was expecting to be told i am BU even considering it

You’re BU considering NOT going. You desperately need to look after you!

LuckyLou7 · 02/08/2019 09:40

Another vote to say tell the ward manager you are going away then turn your phone off, put the cat in a cattery, and get in the van!

Childhood is short, show your daughter she comes first. Your mother has capacity - therefore she needs to be aware she cannot expect you to put your life and your family's life on hold for her. Her life is narrow and revolves around her and her needs. Your daughter's life stretches before her, do something fun and be happy with her this summer. Don't let your mother spoil things.

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/08/2019 09:40

Go. Have your holliday. Recharge your batteries.

Your mum is safe where she is. It may be unpleasant for the staff, but they are used to dealing with people like her; they will deal with her with firmness and compassion.

It sounds like your mum is used to having you and her beck and call. Maybe she might appreciate you more if you aren't there all the time?

greenwaterbottle · 02/08/2019 09:40

I do think you need to go somewhere today though.

PJMasksGhekko · 02/08/2019 09:40

Just Go Lem, tell the hospital, sort the cat, pack up and go x

SmileEachDay · 02/08/2019 09:41

She wants to self discharge. We managed to persuade her to stay yesterday but I don't think we'll be able to do that today.

Let her. Tell the hospital and SS that you are going.

She is (IIRC) vile to you and not your responsibility. Listen to your DP and DD.

AgentProvocateur · 02/08/2019 09:41

Just go. Stick to your plans. Your DD (abd you) are the most important people to consider here. Please go.

justthecat · 02/08/2019 09:41

GO !

Doubleraspberry · 02/08/2019 09:42

I missed your self-discharge post. She is doing this to wreck your holiday. Run like the wind, and have a wonderful break.

MatildaTheCat · 02/08/2019 09:42

Go. She is safe in hospital. She’s been playing you for years and will view this as a major win if you cancel.

Call the hospital and tell them you have been called away and they will need to make any arrangements needed. If she has other family give them their numbers.

Your DD does, indeed, deserve to be your priority this time.

StrongTea · 02/08/2019 09:42

Go, social services must be well used to difficult folk. She has a choice. If you don’t take step back and have your holiday and make the point that you have your own life you will just get more and more resentful.

IHateUncleJamie · 02/08/2019 09:43

@TheoriginalLEM you cannot pour from an empty jug. Your priority is your dd and your mental health. If your Mother needs to stay in hospital then she stays and you will see her when you get back. She is an adult, she has capacity, if she kicks off then she deals with the consequences.

You are her child, NOT her parent. Set an example to your dd that she and you come first and it’s good to set boundaries in life so your needs don’t get walked over.

Self care is not selfish, it’s necessary. Phone the hospital and just update them that you are away until x date. Flowers

wink1970 · 02/08/2019 09:43

Based on what you have said, delaying it & going to Norfolk on Sunday will only result in a further interruption beforehand. So I'd just go now, wherever that is to.

Insist on help from outside, as a condition of your continued support. It may not help this week but it sounds like your long term sanity needs it.

MollyButton · 02/08/2019 09:44

Go!

jasmine1971 · 02/08/2019 09:44

Go to Norfolk - but only because the weather is better, NOT because it then gives you the chance to nip back if you need to.
YOU deserve a holiday. If the shoe were on the other foot, would you expect your Mum to cancel her holiday to look after you when you are old enough to look after yourself?
My DS1 is 17. He's got one more year at home before he goes off to Uni. I may only have two more summer holidays with him before he flies the nest - cherish every moment with your daughter and have an amazing holiday. The rest and the ability to switch off will do you the world of good and will enable you to more effectively support your Mum when you get back. You may however find you don't need to, this could be the impetus she needs to take the support she is entitled to X

Justmuddlingalong · 02/08/2019 09:44

If you don't go, you're proving to her that however she treats you, you will tolerate it and cancel your plans. You are enabling her behaviour. You are allowing her to dictate your life. Use this holiday to draw a line in the sand. The manipulation should stop right now.

Original poster
TheoriginalLEM · 02/08/2019 09:45

Zoflorabore she would have been on her own. She is able for personal care when she's well. She just needs her shopping done and prescription etc. Oh and to have someone to constantly rant at about how shit her Dr is.

I am at the end of my rope though. Work is horrible and I can't leave as im two years into a three year training course. I need to go camping and be with my dd and dp, and my dogs, i don't care where. DP refuses to stay local as he doesn't see the point but then she runs him ragged too and he's at the end of his rope too.

OP posts:
Greywalls12 · 02/08/2019 09:45

Go!! Go today, you're enabling her.

anothernotherone · 02/08/2019 09:45

Your DP is right. Don't put your nasty mother (who has capacity as you say so is responsible for her actions especially for turning down social services support in order to force you to be her sole carer at your child's expense) before your DD this time.

The shorter drive is the compromise you make - if she's actually at death's door you return.

Your guilt at the moment is encouraging her to be fully dependent on you and it will only get worse. She could outlive you (this happened within my extended family - elderly parent was "frail" and "unlikely to live past Christmas" for almost 30 years , and in the end outlived her carer child by 3 years.)

You're not setting your DD a good example unless you want her to be put upon and used by all and sundry.

JuneSpoon · 02/08/2019 09:45

You said you feel guilty and have a responsibility towards your mother (or words to that effect). You don't actually.
And what you must realise is that the person you do have a responsibility to is your daughter. Don't ruin her childhood the way your mother ruined yours.

Go on holiday.