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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We should be leaving to go on holiday today

518 replies

TheoriginalLEM · 02/08/2019 09:16

We should be packing up the van and making the journey to Scotland for a camping trip.

Instead we are waiting to see if my mother will be discharged from hospital.

I shouldn't feel like this but I am as resentful as fuck. My dd is devastated and so i am I quite frankly.

There's a long back story but i am my mother's sole "carer" and she treats me like shit, yet guilt wont allow me to say actually just stay in bloody hospital, pay someone to care for her cat, and piss off.

I get zero support from social services and she refuses to see her GP.

I work ten hour days and was soo looking forward to a break as it has been so bloody awful at work this year.

AIBU to be feeling sorry for myself. The only compensation is that we only paid a £5 deposit as we were camping.

Please come and be nice to me I just feel like crying

OP posts:
StrongTea · 02/08/2019 09:59

Up here there are emergency spaces at nursing homes. Or they can sort out emegency home care? Phone hospital back and explain, they won't put her out on the streets. If her health deteriorates may be a long time till you get another chance for a holiday.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 02/08/2019 09:59

You have to go. Agree with pp, you need to think of your family. If you don't get a break sounds like you and your DP will snap, so this break is as much for her benefit as yours.
Have you ever told her how she makes you feel? There's a reason her family won't have anything to do with her...
Sending you these ThanksThanks

ohtheholidays · 02/08/2019 10:00

No they won't think your an arsehole if anything they'll feel sympathy for you being as it sounds like your mum kicks of there at the staff,but they are paid,they get to go home or they get placed with different patients and they get a break from your mother where as you don't get a break!

WHEN WILL YOUR BREAK COME!??

Don't do as I did and waste what life you have looking after people that act as though they hate you,none of us knows what is around the corner,I was working,helping charitys and going to college when I went into hospital to have my DD11,my 5th DC the hospital messed up big time and I've been left with a life sentance,don't be me OP Please don't be like me!

katewhinesalot · 02/08/2019 10:00

You are putting your mother before your daughter. Is this fair?

It would be different if you had no choice or if your mother was trying her best , but the reality is that your mother isn't being fair and you are acting out of FOG. Google FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

Put these feelings aside for your dd, who you also have an obligation to. Also you need to think of your dh. This isn't all about you and your feelings or your mother. You have to be fair to them too.

llangennith · 02/08/2019 10:01

If i tell the hospital we are considering gping on Sunday they are going to think im a total areshole

Of course they won't and who cares if they do? GO!

MotherofTerriers · 02/08/2019 10:01

Please go
The hospitals opinion of you doesn't matter at all
Your relationship with your DD does - you all deserve and need this holiday
The hospital can keep her in or arrange care and send her home
You can't pour from an empty cup, you need to take care of yourself.
You will continue to get zero support from SS as long as you are doing it all - they don't care in the least about cancelled holidays, disappointment and exhaustion.

Family holidays with your child are so precious, don't give up this one

sarahb083 · 02/08/2019 10:01

I agree with everyone else - go. Take the time you need for yourself. Everything else will sort itself out.

Knitwit99 · 02/08/2019 10:01

Tell the nurse you have changed your mind and go tomorrow. She will not junk you are crazy, she wil think you are looking out for the whole family's best interests.

You sound so fed up, just make the decision and go and you will feel much better, you really will.

Nomoremilk · 02/08/2019 10:02

Don't tell them it's a holiday. Say its something else and go!

nettie434 · 02/08/2019 10:02

If i tell the hospital we are considering going on Sunday

Don’t tell them you are considering, you must go. I am sure that you will find it easier to support your mother after a break.

Groovee · 02/08/2019 10:02

I would go. Find someone to feed and check on the cat and go. Tell the ward you are away and that way your mother will realise you aren't at her beck and call.

Being a carer is hard and you need respite.

Seren10 · 02/08/2019 10:02

Definitely go.

Go tonight!

HairyDogsInUnusualPlaces · 02/08/2019 10:02

Another voice saying go.
Tell the hospital that you won't be available (no need to tell them you're on holiday).
Put the cat into a cattery.
Go.
You are worth it.

anothernotherone · 02/08/2019 10:02

LEM

It doesn't matter whether strangers think you are an arsehole, it matters whether you actually are an arsehole to your DD and DP

If your mum kicks nurses however the odds are high that it's not you they think is an arsehole...

MindfulMummy · 02/08/2019 10:02

Ps Your mother's behaviour may well be driven by fear or anxiety but by allowing her the control you are not forcing her to address this and so she won't change. By opening up a discussion in which you stick to your guns and explain that you ARE going and would like her to consider a fairer care plan while you are away, you are not disempowering her completely but are also severing the codependency which has been established here.
You can do this and will feel so much better for spending time away.

CoraPirbright · 02/08/2019 10:02

If not Scotland, have a look online where the best weather is going to be this week and just go. People on here are excellent at suggesting lovely things to do/places to visit/places to eat where ever you happen to pitch up. We can all ensure you have a lovely time!

If your mother was nice to you then I think the responses on here would be different. But by all accounts (sorry, I haven’t read your previous posts) she is horrible! The entire family non-contact! Kicking a nurse! Refusing all help! She is grinding you into the ground. How old is she? When does your life start?? Go now, dont look back and give your dd the lovely holiday you all deserve.

TSSDNCOP · 02/08/2019 10:02

Please go. You can always go back. You’ll be never get the time back again with your own DD.

onanothertrain · 02/08/2019 10:03

You have said that your mum has refused social services but can care for herself and has capacity. If that is the case I'm not sure that they would keep her in hospital if she is medically fit for discharge especially if she is violent towards the nurses. I think it would be unfair if you expected them to keep her in because you change your mind again about going away.
Having said that your mum is manipulating you and I do think you should go on holiday. You need to do it because if you don't she will get her own way again and nothing will change.

regularbutpanickingabit · 02/08/2019 10:03

Please don't take on guilt from nurses as well. Call back the hospital, tell them your holiday is NOT cancelled and that you will be going away today. It doesn't matter that your dp is at work. He can either finish early and you can go together or you can go with your daughter and he can meet you or you just wait until tomorrow. I think its best you actually go today otherwise your guilt will make it not happen.

You will be in no position to care for your mum if you don't get a break. You will be in no position to be a mum for your own daughter if you don't get a break. You will be in no position to look after yourself if you don't get a break. That's the crux of it.

You are exhausted. You have been made to feel like your only worth is as her carer and she isn't even nice to you. Please please please just make the call and go.

recklessgran · 02/08/2019 10:03

You simply must go OP no matter what happens. You have my utmost sympathy as my mother is equally vile. Make a plan with DP and DD and set off today. Phone the hospital and tell them that you will be away from x to y which unfortunately can't be changed for work reasons. They have a duty of care so will need to put a care package in place for your mother. As others have said you are enabling her behaviour and she is abusing you OP surely you can see that? If you don't go you are giving your DD the message that your mother is more important than she is and also that it's O.K. to let someone treat you badly. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this but be brave OP. My mother moderated her behaviour immediately when I plucked up the courage to challenge her in the middle of one of her regular rants. This is what I said "Mum, I've had 57 years to get used to your disapproval and quite frankly I don't give a fuck what you think of me!" That sentence stopped her in her tracks and although she's still outrageously difficult she has at least moderated her behaviour towards me and my 5 darling daughters. She loves my DH but that's because he has a willy OP. I'm sure you get the picture - I am one of 4 and my 2 sisters are NC the other sibling has a willy and golden balls!
Good luck OP - try to have a sense of humour about it all and give zero fucks about what your mother does next - she is a grown up OP and clearly unhinged which is too big for you to deal with. Unfortunately you won't get any help until you put your foot down and refuse to co operate with all this emotional blackmail. Put yourself, DD and DP first for a change, I'm sure you won't regret it. In the meantime I'm sending you flowers, gin and Dutch courage along with a little hug for solidarity from one abused daughter to another.

SlowDown76mph · 02/08/2019 10:04

You must go! Tell the hospital you can't cope without this break. Tell your mother this too. The more you keep going, the more will be expected of you. She is also being incredibly selfish. Perhaps this will help her to make choices about accepting reasonable support and help going forward.

Justmuddlingalong · 02/08/2019 10:04

I'm practically NC with my mother. The rest of my family are totally NC. It's amazing how she manages to just get on with things now she has no option. It's also amazing for me not to live with a ball of stress, resentment and guilt in my belly.

ssd · 02/08/2019 10:05

Op, this us why I started the elderly parents section on here, I hope you've found it by now?
There comes a time with elderly parents when you need to out yourself first. It took me a long long time and nearly broke me.
I hope you are more sensible.
Go on your holiday, tell the hospital you won't be around. Hospitals are desperate to turf out old folk with a willing daughter nearby and it sounds like your mum isn't scared to put on you.
Good luck.

LIZS · 02/08/2019 10:05

You need to tell the hospital social worker that she needs to be discharged with a full care package as you are not available to care for her ft. If that is a care home short term, so be it. Can you delay your departure a day or two while this is put in place.

SeaEagle21 · 02/08/2019 10:05

To put it bluntly, if you were no longer here, your mother would be cared for by the hospital or they would send her home and arrange for carers to come.

Don't spend your life worrying about "what people will think". Honestly, the staff at the hospital won't think anything about you . I know, I've been in their position and they don't stand around saying judgey things about relatives. If you told them you were not available, they'd simply put carers in for your mother , or keep her in hospital . The fact that she is kicking off ( including kicking staff) doesn't mean you have to rescue them and take her off their hands. They are used to elderly people doing this and they deal with it. They don't stand around hoping that you will fix things, OP.

I join the MN chorus of "go on your holiday with DD !"