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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think she shouldn't be leaving her kids?

182 replies

Biiscuits · 01/08/2019 22:21

I have a friend, who has a boy and a girl aged 9 and 12. The girl has learning difficulties.

She's a single mum, no dad, and works full time- proper full time- out the house 8-6. She's leaving the kids home alone these holidays every day.

I think they're far too young and not remotely sensible enough.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LatteLove · 02/08/2019 07:32

Hardly qualifies as neglectful, on face value.

Did you miss the part where OP, who knows the children, says they aren’t remotely sensible enough?

forkfun · 02/08/2019 07:33

@allhalekale no state primary school can release a child to someone under 16. (I'm not including kids who are old enough to walk home unaccompanied- usually y5/6 )

That's bs. My 12 year old picks up my 6 year old twice a week. Many Y7-Y11 pick up their younger siblings around here. And I'm in the UK.

Crispmonster123 · 02/08/2019 07:34

pikapikachu

Yes they do. At our primary school they release them to secondary age children all the time.

sweetkitty · 02/08/2019 07:37

My 11yo and 9yo are going to start walking home from school this term and looking after themselves for an hour before their 15 yo sister comes in. 11yo has a phone, I work next to their school so they can actually walk to my work I needs be. It’s two days a week I’m still a bit mmm about it but they hate after school and I do think they will be fine.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 02/08/2019 07:41

Sorry, a quick hijack while everyone is talking about kids being old enough to mind etc.
I left my 14 and 13 year old to look after my 10 and 9 year old from 1:30 till 3 (pm) on last day of term and was flamed for it. Hmm That was completely fine wasn't it?
(No LD and sensible eldest kids - both with phones - 20 second walk from where I was)

LadyOfTheFlowers · 02/08/2019 07:42

Not flamed on here. Flamed in RL

HoppingPavlova · 02/08/2019 07:43

When mine were younger the government support for before/after school and holiday care cut out for 12yo and older on the basis 12yo and up was fine to be at home alone before/after school and during the day in school hols. At some point after mine passed that age they extended it past 12yo and up to 13th birthday.

In my day everyone stayed home alone from Yr5 so around 10yo here. We all managed.

SugarPlumLairy2 · 02/08/2019 07:56

My DD is 12. She has SENS issues but is considered “high functioning”. No way could she be left alone to care for herself let alone a younger child.
What happens in anemergencey? If some e knocks to read the meter? If there is an accident? Are they locked in or could they leave home if they got that inclination?
I’d be worried sick too OP. YANBU

leafinthewind · 02/08/2019 08:08

Lady who on earth said that wasn't OK?!

I lived across from the kids' primary school and happily allowed my 10 and 7 year olds to run home with the key to watch TV while I did PTA stuff. The house and the school were 90 metres apart, the neighbours were friendly and numerous and the roads were quiet. Sure, some horrible thing could have befallen them - home invasion, flood, fire... But they both knew how to get out of the house and where to run.

cansu · 02/08/2019 08:13

it is obviously not right but there are thousands of children getting themselves up for school while parents are ill or at work. Many that have to take care of younger siblings etc etc. This is the result of people working low paid jobs where you can't get time off to take care of kids without putting your job at risk and where there is no low cost childcare. I would try and help her if you can. If you can't keep out of it.

Lovemusic33 · 02/08/2019 08:14

If she doesn’t work to far away and the dc’s can contact her by phone then it’s not that bad. I leave my kids to work, both have ASD but eldest is quite sensible, started leaving them when dd1 was 13 and dd2 11, I only work part time but I have no choice but to leave them as no child care and no clubs that will take the youngest (due to he ASD), we do what we have too to out food on the table and pay the bills.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 02/08/2019 08:15

A friend of mine. Though to add, a friend who thinks she is a parenting guru with lots of family support to help with her DD. Hmm

BrieAndChilli · 02/08/2019 08:16

Each situation and each child and each sibling relationship is different so it’s not a one size fits all.
DS1 is nearly 13, when he was 10 I would leave him for an hour or so if I popped to the shops/took the others to an activity etc. This slowly increased so that when he started secondary he was ready to come home twice a week, let himself in and be alone until we all got home at 5.30pm. There is no childcare for secondary age kids round here and any specialist clubs - sports/drama are 10-3 type jobs which is no good when you work and we live in a village so he not able to walk to any. So he stays home alone in the holidays (not all holidays as some days I drop him round to a friends, or a friends parent will pick them up and take them bowling. He also goes to MILs for a week and then obviously there are days me or DH are off to look after all 3 kids)
DD is 11 and has been left alone in the same way so that she is ready for secondary school in September.
DS2 is nearly 9, I will on occasion leave him with one of the older ones if I’m popping out for 10 minutes but I wouldn’t leave him for a long time even with the older ones as he’s much less inclined to follow the rules!
My DD does scouts so like a PP child she knows first aid, and other survival skills. They know the rules when they are alone - don’t answer the door, don’t go on the trampoline, don’t use the gas hob, etc
We also text them every hour and if they don’t reply we will ring. Obviously if they then didn’t answer any of the phones I would rush home as only work a 5 min drive away.
I think it’s our job as parents to equip them with the skills for life. If an 11 year old secondary school kid can’t come home, make a snack and watch TV in their own for a few hours (special needs aside) then there is something seriously wrong with parenting today. DD is 11 and can make her own Shelter, light a fire and cook her own meal in the woods by her self (obviously scout leaders were around watching) at home she can cook many meals from scratch.
There are things that a child should be able to do before being left alone - how to ring emergency services, how to get out the house in an emergency (several different ways), which neighbours are likely to be in and approachable, etc

Goatinthegarden · 02/08/2019 08:16

Depends on the learning difficulties; I once taught a girl, who at 11, her learning difficulties meant that she couldn’t write her own name. However, she was very sensible in other ways and was like a fabulous mother hen to younger year groups, and loved being allowed to help infant class teachers with jobs like getting shoes and coats on. I would have course been worried to leave her alone all day with a 9 year old, but i’m sure she would have managed just fine (and been quite happy).

We definitely infantilise children in the UK and generally believe them to be a lot less competent than they really could be, given a chance. Of course, I have no idea about the competency of the children the OP mentions. Regardless of competency, I’m sure most of us would prefer our children to be involved in something more stimulating and carefree than babysitting one another during the holidays, where possible.

Unfortunately, as PP have mentioned, our government leaves some parents with no choice.

formerbabe · 02/08/2019 08:18

@bernietaupinspen

I think 12 is on the cusp of being fine

She has learning difficulties, of course it's not fine

I thought the nine year old was the child with ld.

12 is on the cusp of being fine if the child is NT.

9 is never fine... ld or not.

stucknoue · 02/08/2019 08:18

Some people have no choice, it's leave them alone or no food/rent etc. 12 is borderline ok, I left mine occasionally at 10&12 though for shorter periods because I'm part time, or i would drop them at the museum if there was activities on (5 mins walk from my work) with snacks etc

SoundsAboutRight · 02/08/2019 08:20

What are the "learning difficulties"?

stucknoue · 02/08/2019 08:24

Ps my eldest has asd and she hated holiday clubs because of the noise and lack of "proper" activities (she's very studious) her younger sister is wise beyond her years too. Ld doesn't mean incapable

Echobelly · 02/08/2019 08:25

I wouldn't but god knows if she's in a low paid, low security job and there's no help for holiday childcare she might not have much choice.

TeachesOfPeaches · 02/08/2019 08:26

One of my primary school friends looked after her 3 year old brother full time while the mum worked. We were both 11.

YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 02/08/2019 08:30

I left my then 12yo DS home in the summer holidays. He made himself lunch, played on his computer and occasionally went out with friends.

I wouldn’t have left DD at 12, even at 15 she calls and texts constantly when I’m out. So she went to childcare.

Hypothetically my 7yo niece would be absolutely fine to be left, she is incredibly capable and self sufficient, has been showering and drying her hair and making breakfast and cleaning her room etc since she was about four (her choice), whereas her 9yo sister or my own 7yo would burn the place down left to their own devices.

It’s all about the individual child really. It’s not ideal but I couldn’t get that aerated about it.

bernietaupinspen · 02/08/2019 08:34

@formerbabe

I have a friend, who has a boy and a girl aged 9 and 12. The girl has learning difficulties.

A boy and a girl. Age 9 and 12.

That would usually mean the boy to be 9 and the girl to be 12.

CaptainMyCaptain · 02/08/2019 08:36

As others have said we don't know what the learning difficulties are, if she has dyslexia it is totally irrelevant.

CitadelsofScience · 02/08/2019 08:37

And we wonder why so many children today are growing up into ill equipped for life adults.

Learning difficulties are not just one thing, it could be some like dyslexia which wouldn't have a bearing on the situation.

Peanutbuttericecream · 02/08/2019 08:41

The poor woman would be flamed for not working! It’s a very sad state of affairs and our country has become one that doesn’t care.