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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to think she shouldn't be leaving her kids?

182 replies

Biiscuits · 01/08/2019 22:21

I have a friend, who has a boy and a girl aged 9 and 12. The girl has learning difficulties.

She's a single mum, no dad, and works full time- proper full time- out the house 8-6. She's leaving the kids home alone these holidays every day.

I think they're far too young and not remotely sensible enough.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LatteLove · 02/08/2019 00:59

YANBU.

childcare is a financial struggle for lots of people but that doesn’t mean it’s OK to neglect them.

LatteLove · 02/08/2019 01:00

The reality is her situation doesn't matter if her children are in danger. SS aren't going to go 'oh well you're struggling so let's forget about the kids' also OP isn't responsible for her situation. She is morally responsible for reporting or flagging a situation which could endanger children. She doesn't need to offer this woman a solution. She's got her own kids to deal with.

Agreed

LatteLove · 02/08/2019 01:02

Plus also the OP knows the kids so presumably her view that they’re not mature enough is based on that

LatteLove · 02/08/2019 01:03

What’s she done in previous years Op?

GibbonLover · 02/08/2019 01:07

Who is looking after your child when they are not at summer camp? Is there any way they could help?

TimeWastingButFun · 02/08/2019 01:10

They are very young. I've just started leaving my two at very similar ages (but not LD) for the occasional 30 mins or so. Only on rare occasions though. And I've been been feeling guilty about that. It might be the difference between her earning money or not though. I'm guessing she doesn't have a friend base otherwise she wouldn't be doing it - I'd be inclined to offer to help.

dragonflyflew · 02/08/2019 01:11

I’m a single working parent. My two are 7 and 9. I have no supportive family and I cannot wait for the days when I don’t have to shell out more than my mortgage to pay for childcare.
It’s an absolute travesty that (mainly) women are left in this desperate position. I don’t condone her actions but I can completely empathise and see why she’s chosen this route.
From my own experience and that of other single mums, the dad always seems to get the better deal in terms of salary, planning and funding childcare etc. It makes me bloody sick that we’re forced to go out to work but childcare providers rarely offer wraparound care, particularly in the Easter and summer holidays and what is available we have to pay for through the nose and in the main STILL have to provide a packed lunch every day.

Monty27 · 02/08/2019 01:11

Far too young. Definitely not safe. It's up to you OP how you proceed. Maybe help her to research free kids clubs or some such?
You're not responsible, DM is.
I sympathise with her. Kids always come first.

dragonflyflew · 02/08/2019 01:14

This
TheInebriati

Society has to decide whether to assist parents to work by providing affordable childcare, or stop forcing them to work when there isn't any affordable childcare by supporting them.

We live in the 7th wealthiest nation on Earth. Women shouldn't have to choose between being homeless or leaving their kids while they work.

Hollyhobbi · 02/08/2019 01:24

Back in the 40's my mum used to walk to school with my brother. Fair enough, but he was 3 and she was 5!

HaileySherman · 02/08/2019 01:25

I don't think 12 years old is too young to babysit. It's an unfortunate situation, but someone with learning disabilities isn't necessarily incapable of caring for themselves or a sibling. There are no babies involved, lunches prepared beforehand can eliminate having to cook. People have to do what they have to do. Hardly qualifies as neglectful, on face value.

Onesailwait · 02/08/2019 01:34

For those giving the sad face or worrying about me exploiting my daughter. She gets very well paid and she is more that happy to watch her younger siblings. She is a very confident and competent young woman and if she felt uncomfortable or didnt want to do it believe ne she would speak up. I guess we all just live very differently and have different ideas of what is ok. She has just gone off on a 2 hr kayak with her friends and when they get to their destination they will make a campfire and cook some dinner for themselves, a lot of folk on here would be horrified but thats normal for us, as is 12 yr olds babysitting. We all parent differently according to our childrens needs & competencies. Neither is wrong just different

pikapikachu · 02/08/2019 01:53

An NT 12 yo should be fine for the day without an adult but I'm pretty shocked at the number of people who think that a 12yo with LD can be home alone all day with a 9 year old. We obviously don't know the 12yo but the LD could manifest into potentially dangerous situations and a 9 yo wouldn't be able to stop the older (and presumably bigger) sibling.

I swear I've read many threads by people on MN that insisted that 9 was far too young to go to the shops on their own? Staying at home all day and not opening the door, looking after an older sibling etc is much harder than this. 5 days a week for the whole summer holidays is far too much imo.

I understand that mum is probably unable to find holiday care for the 12yo but the 9yo shouldn't have been hard to find if she started looking early enough,

pikapikachu · 02/08/2019 01:56

@allhalekale no state primary school can release a child to someone under 16. (I'm not including kids who are old enough to walk home unaccompanied- usually y5/6 )

MammaBot211 · 02/08/2019 02:20

In all the years I've been in my job I have never ever seen a child confident in doing CPR, you are talking absolute crap @Onesailwait

LovePoppy · 02/08/2019 02:30

I’m curious what the “learning difficulties” are

It could be as “simple” as dyslexia. Learning difficulties doesn’t mean mentally incapacitated

Onesailwait · 02/08/2019 02:33

Well you've never met my daughter. She did her course thepugh the Canadian heart & stroke foundation & they take kids from 9 yrs old. Also my Husband is an EMT trainer so we have lots if equipment at hime including resus doll

Alislia17 · 02/08/2019 02:39

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Pricedrop · 02/08/2019 02:46

My 13 year old also babysits. I happily leave her with her 9 year old sister

Alislia17 · 02/08/2019 02:50

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DressingGown · 02/08/2019 03:16

I (10) was regularly left all day with my brother (7) during the summer. But we did live on army patches. We were outside all day and there were generally mums around in the other houses if we had got stuck. This was in the mid-eighties. I wouldn’t do it with my kids now, but I live in a city and don’t have that community of mums watching out. I am not saying that what is happening here is ideal or ok, but it’s interesting the way that attitudes have changed. My dad walked to school by himself from the age of 5 in the 50s.

allhalekale · 02/08/2019 07:17

@pickapickachu they did in 1993! I had to get back from school run off the bus up to their school and pick them up. They must have been in some sort of after school club for that half hour between end of school and me getting there. I’m going to ask my mum about that because I can’t remember. I don’t think I ever thought about it at the time.
I loved doing it the kids were fun and they had sky tv!!

Rezie · 02/08/2019 07:20

I'm also wondering about the learning difficulties. Is she dyslexic or is it something that has a massive effect on the situation? Honestly, where I'm from being home alone at the age of 7 is totally normal. That's when you start to walk or take public transportation to school and come home and be alone till parents come home. 9yo and 12yo on their own the whole day during summer holiday is totally normal. Nobody would bat an eyelid. Obviously there are differences between children, but as a general rule there is no issue for me.

Rezie · 02/08/2019 07:23

"In all the years I've been in my job I have never ever seen a child confident in doing CPR, you are talking absolute crap@Onesailwait"

My scout kids are more confident than a lot of adults don't CPR. The first aid skills of regular adults are terrible. I've had the unfortunate luck to witness this on the street. No, in general I wouldnt say kids cpr skills are great but I'm not sure that is the measurement that we should go by when leaving kids home alone

CaptainMyCaptain · 02/08/2019 07:28

It isn't true that State Primary schools can't release a child to anyone under 16. When I was a Reception teacher this situation arose and the Head checked with the LA. There is no law to prevent it so we had to allow a year 5 child of very low ability to take his sister home.