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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To start punishing toddler for pooing in his pants

264 replies

Tigerwhocamefortea · 01/08/2019 22:14

DS is nearly 3. Been toilet trained for about 10 weeks and is very reliable with weeing and hasn’t had an accident since week 1. However he poos in his pants every day. We’ve had about 4 make it to the toilet in 10 weeks and that’s been when I’ve caught him doing it and whisked him off.

He will tell me straight afterwards that there is a poo in his pants and will smile and laugh about it. I’ve tried talking to him and nothing seems to be sinking in. I’ve no idea why he is doing it in his pants but it’s driving me mad!

AIBU to put consequences such as removing a toy if he poos in his pants? It’s a deliberate act, he knows he is pushing out the poo into his pants and I can usually catch him doing it as he goes quiet!

OP posts:
Namaste6 · 02/08/2019 06:33

Thank you @user1471439310 . This poor child is simply not ready. 2 years old.

BlueWonder · 02/08/2019 06:45

He isn't toilet trained yet, regardless of 'success' with wee. He isn't ready to recognise both urges. Sound like he knows when he is pooing, but not when he is 'about to poo'.

Maybe you have pushed him a little too soon in your (understandable) eagerness?
Two is very young, esp., dare I say it, for a boy. He doesn't sound ready for normal pants yet......pull-ups or the re-useable quivalent?

BlueWonder · 02/08/2019 06:48

Equivalent!

Tumbleweed101 · 02/08/2019 06:50

Ignore his laughing. Just be matter of fact about changing him. If you get cross he may start getting anxious and if he starts holding poo then you’ll have a much bigger issue to deal with.

He’s only two and poo on the toilet can often come later than weeing on the toilet. It may take a little while to crack but I like the idea one poster said about having a gift waiting in the bathroom ready for when he poos on the toilet.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/08/2019 06:52

My friends ds didn’t get the poo thing for a long time. He didn’t acknowledge the feeling and would withhold his poo. Then poo his pants. He was still doing this on and off up to school age. No I wouldn’t punish him. Not even at 4/5. Reward always.

DCICarolJordan · 02/08/2019 06:57

What @Namaste6 said.
Honestly, if you are on this thread and can’t see a problem with the thought processes that are being employed here or the unreasonable expectations of a small child by the OP, you need to reflect on yourself as well.

Namaste6 · 02/08/2019 06:58

@DCICarolJordan ?

BlueWonder · 02/08/2019 07:02

.....change him on the baby table, and if he complains, tell him "Big boys don't poo in their pants. Only babies do that." Throw away his soiled pants, or let him think that's what you've done - don't let him see you put them in the wash.

Ignore the PP who wrote that. Using the 'big boy'/' big girl' line to humiliate a toddler is just cruel. Then tricking into more upset by recommending you pretend to throw pants away when you know it upsets him...beyond belief.

SunshineCake · 02/08/2019 07:03

There an awful lot of what you don't want to do and what you think he'll feel.

Carry on as you are and things will just get worse for your little boy.

janj2301 · 02/08/2019 07:03

I looked after my 6 year old grandson over May half term, he poo'd his pants 5 times, twice on one day and I didn't have any hot water so stood him in the garden, stripped him off and wet wiped him. He is adopted and has issues but it was an exhausting week.

PantsyMcPantsface · 02/08/2019 07:05

Ignore the more draconian suggestions on here - you really really do NOT want to get into a situation where he starts to withhold and you end up dealing with chronic constipation and a stretched bowel (trust me).

You can try to get some "hits" on the toilet to be able to reward - the bowel naturally contracts a bit about 10 minutes after eating - if you add in a timed potty sit then after each meal (5 mins max and it's one of those times an iPad comes in bloody handy) then you're more likely to get a one in the loo to be able to reward.

Worth keeping an eye on the situation though - I was like this at this age - assumed it was just behavioural - and it turned out that DD2 had chronic constipation issues and when she's blocked slightly she has absolutely no awareness of poo going around the blockage - and doesn't notice she's soiled herself... we're still unpicking that problem at age 6!

DCICarolJordan · 02/08/2019 07:08

@Namaste6 I was agreeing with your response to SmartPlay, exactly what I wanted to say 🙂

MaybeitsMaybelline · 02/08/2019 07:13

Wait until they do in it their pants at school and sit in it all day ......

Bluntness100 · 02/08/2019 07:16

He isn't fully toilet trained yet, you have made a mistake and jumped too early. He should not have been out of his pull ups.

You cannot punish a child for your error. That's really wrong.

sashh · 02/08/2019 07:17

Pull ups?

Isn't this what they are for?

Namechangedonceagain · 02/08/2019 07:21

Definitely don't punish him! Offer rewards. Give them when he does well. Don't react at all when he does it wrong.

Namaste6 · 02/08/2019 07:22

@DCICarolJordan . Thank you. 🙏 The original post has shocked a lot of people. A very sensible poster mentioned some thing a paediatrician had said - in that 100 percent of children without any unfortunate medical reasons simply do not go into later childhood or adulthood pooping their pants. Poor child is only 2. My DS was 3.5 before he cracked it himself. Very calm, very chilled, very supported and very rewarded.

hairyturkey · 02/08/2019 07:24

Please don't. I had to refer a 4yo to camhs because his parents had done this. He ended up withholding for weeks at a time and making himself very unwell.

Original poster
Tigerwhocamefortea · 02/08/2019 07:28

@SmartPlay thank you.

I think punish was the wrong word- I meant more consider consequences or using negative language but thank you to the posters who politely said this wouldn’t be the right thing to do.

To the poster that asked me not to hit my child- of course I wouldn’t hit them! That was never once suggested or considered! And I’m not sure social services would be interested in a parent withholding a toy for example from a child.

As for the reward thing- as @SmartPlay suggested i think dangling a carrot that he isn’t going to earn easily is also a little unfair. I will try it with something simple like chocolate buttons but a toy or present he gets to open sat on a shelf I think is a bit mean.

I won’t go back to pull ups- he would be really upset as he wanted to wear pants like the big boys at the childminders and he has a 4 month old baby sister who he associates with nappies.

I will just be more patient and encourage pooing in the potty/toilet.

OP posts:
livelyredjellybean · 02/08/2019 07:28

No way, punishment will just encourage him to try and hide when he does it! Not helpful at all. You’ll need to try and pre-empt it, place him on the toilet at times when he normally needs to go! Maybe let him do something he doesn’t normally when on the toilet, eg play on your phone? Or have a special sticker book?

Morgan12 · 02/08/2019 07:33

Would he tell you he needs a poo and then you could put the pull ups on him?

I ended up doing this with my DS. He would put them on and go do his business then put his normal pants back on after.

He did this for a few months then just stopped asking himself. I just didn't ever make it into a big deal. I knew he would get there eventually.

Just do what you need to. But definitely no punishments.

Confusedandworried321 · 02/08/2019 07:34

Pop issues are so normal, we never had this but DS would hold his poo in to the point he was constipated then soiling a little bit = sore bum, so more afraid to poo, holding it in more etc. Went round in circles for what felt like ages. It was so so frustrating and I did get angry on occasion so I feel your pain, but punishment isn't the way.

Agree with all of the rewards, you'll have to make it really worth his while at first. I like the PP's idea about wrapping a present and putting it in the bathroom. I know you said you don't want to but I would strongly suggest putting him back in nappies. The incentive to not be a "baby" again might act as an incentive, then you're not throwing away pants all the time. He may well not be ready.

Also books can really help, we got Liam goes poo on the toilet which DS really liked.

HoppingPavlova · 02/08/2019 07:36

His 3 a tiny child he absolutely will get there in the end. It takes some dc longer than others.

I’m torn. One of mine tried to blackmail me shortly after turning 3yo. Toilet trained and no issues doing either on the toilet but ‘If you don’t do x I’ll poo in my pants’, ‘if you don’t give me y I’ll poo in my pants’. And then did if they didn’t get their own way. Yeah, poor innocent tiny 3yoHmm.

SummerSix · 02/08/2019 07:37

Hes not even 3 you psycho! Jesus.

Reward him for doing it right. Make a fuss.

Dont punish him!!

Ffs.

Bourbonbiccy · 02/08/2019 07:39

Absolutely no pull ups, you are correct OP it just would not teach him anything at this stage.

You say he pooed a few times on the loo, did you see him needing one and popping him on the toilet or did he self initiate?

Do not react to the poo in the pants and just take the off, clean him and out new ones on.

Does he poo around the same time everyday ?