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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To start punishing toddler for pooing in his pants

264 replies

Tigerwhocamefortea · 01/08/2019 22:14

DS is nearly 3. Been toilet trained for about 10 weeks and is very reliable with weeing and hasn’t had an accident since week 1. However he poos in his pants every day. We’ve had about 4 make it to the toilet in 10 weeks and that’s been when I’ve caught him doing it and whisked him off.

He will tell me straight afterwards that there is a poo in his pants and will smile and laugh about it. I’ve tried talking to him and nothing seems to be sinking in. I’ve no idea why he is doing it in his pants but it’s driving me mad!

AIBU to put consequences such as removing a toy if he poos in his pants? It’s a deliberate act, he knows he is pushing out the poo into his pants and I can usually catch him doing it as he goes quiet!

OP posts:
Happymum12345 · 02/08/2019 00:19

You’ve done well with first part of potty training & it’s hard to be patient. I found that with all my children, as soon as they actually turned 3, they were toilet trained over night-literally.
Find something he really wants & promise to buy it if he learns poo in the loo.

HuntIdeas · 02/08/2019 00:27

I got my DS to do a ‘poo push’ every time he went to the toilet, with a chocolate button for trying. I think he just didn’t associate the feeling of needing to go and was quite surprised when it sometimes worked! It actually worked quite quickly in the end

rainbowbear10 · 02/08/2019 00:33

definetly do not punish him or shout at him for pooing in his pants ....sit him on potty / toilet regulary ...remind him does he need to use it . esp after meals
Give him a sticker if he gets it right and a reward for so many collected..but remember he is only two and may take a bit longer than other kids his age.

Griffin79 · 02/08/2019 00:35

Hi just a tip when your little one needs a poo and is sitting on the potty give them a book to read it distracts them and lets them relax enough to just let it go.

Happyspud · 02/08/2019 00:37

Try the Poo Goes to Pooland app. It’s amazing.

scubadive · 02/08/2019 00:40

Nearly 3, ie 2!

YABVVVU

I had this with one of mine, yes they do know they are doing it but for some reason this is how they feel comfortable pooing. They grow up pooing in nappies in any position/place and transitioning from standing up pooing to sitting at a 90 degree angle on a hard plastic seat and pooing is quite a difference.

I can’t believe you even have the thought process that this is something to punish, why because they havn’t learnt to poo in a toilet at an age you want them to. You sound like a lovely compassionate mum.

Carry nappy sacks, spare pants and wipes. Empty the poo in the toilet, pop the pants in a nappy sack (until can get home and wash) , bum wiped, new pants on, no big deal. They will poo in the toilet when they are ready.

He is not ‘deliberately’ not complying, you are an idiot.

mrsjackrussell · 02/08/2019 00:46

Some children iv heard are frightened to poo on the toilet. My daughter wouldn't poo on the toilet until she was 4. I had to put a nappy on her as she wouldn't do it at all and would get constipated.

TimeWastingButFun · 02/08/2019 00:54

He's only two, maybe put him back in pull ups and take the pressure off? What's the rush? I wouldn't punish him, no way!!! Maybe after a little while start with a reward system, going out to buy new pants that he can choose, that he knows he will get to put on when he is ready to try the potty again? Maybe he just isn't ready yet.

HiJenny35 · 02/08/2019 00:59

Poo and wee is completely different. My daughter has been able to wee on the toilet for months. She's still in nappies as she isn't ready for poo, she still doesn't know yet before she goes, a couple more months and she'll be ready. I can't understand the rush, there's no prize. Yes it would be dreadful of you to punish him, he isn't ready just because you are doesn't make it so.

Monty27 · 02/08/2019 01:03

FFS OP. You haven't trained him properly and it's his fault. And then you treat him cruelly. Wtaf?
Shock Angry

floribunda18 · 02/08/2019 01:05

DD2 was 3 when toilet trained, but took slightly longer to get the poo bit right, as she was anxious about pooing on the toilet/potty. The book Peek-A-Poo: What’s In Your Diaper? really helped her understand and be more relaxed about it.

PamelaTodd · 02/08/2019 01:07

Haven’t rtft but the splash from pooing in the toilet can be quite aversive. Providing a potty as an interim can help.

If he has a pattern of pooing at a particular time of day or in a certain place, could you be ready to grab the potty and bring it to him.

Going commando at that time of day might help. There is a big difference between pooing standing up and squatting/sitting and it can be easier to master the transition if you don’t have the faff of taking trousers and pants down.

It’s best to think of poo training as something separate from wee training. They often don’t develop in parallel. Mastering one doesn’t necessarily mean the other is mastered.

If he does pop in his pants keep your tone and face neutral. Always put the poo into the potty/toilet so that you’re completing the last part of the behaviour chain and encourage him to wash hands etc.

Hope that helps.

Bertieandernie · 02/08/2019 01:09

No don’t punish him, I work in a primary school and children in year 1 still accidentally poo themselves x

Merryoldgoat · 02/08/2019 01:13

Is this for real?

Monty27 · 02/08/2019 01:20

Cruelty imho and the poor child will have nervous issues for possibly ever 😢

Winterlife · 02/08/2019 01:21

I wouldn't punish him, other than what you're doing - change him on the baby table, and if he complains, tell him "Big boys don't poo in their pants. Only babies do that." Throw away his soiled pants, or let him think that's what you've done - don't let him see you put them in the wash.

Blondebakingmumma · 02/08/2019 01:23

How awful. Do not punish your child for not toilet training fast enough. Does he poo at similar times during the day? Take him to have a sit at those times. Have a toy on display that he really wants. Use it as a reward for going twice on the toilet. He’ll get there, I’m sure he’s not doing it to be naughty

Aria999 · 02/08/2019 02:46

Well if it makes you feel any better mine is 3.5, been toilet training for over a year and is mostly there (no daytime nappies, not too many accidents) and he still does this. He can do it in the loo / potty but about 50% of the time I think he just forgets.

Pull ups don't work as he just thinks he's back in nappies and forgets to use the toilet.

We have developed a clean up procedure where he stands next to the loo, I carefully pull the pants down without spilling and then plop the contents into the loo. They are normally then washable.

Alislia17 · 02/08/2019 02:50

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user1471439310 · 02/08/2019 02:54

I will tell you what my son's pediatrician told me when my son wasn't toilet trained at almost 4. She knew of no child who started kindergarten (5 here) in diapers but 100 who needed an edema because mom made a big deal about it. Please don't hit him.

Durgasarrow · 02/08/2019 03:02

It is common for boys not to be done with toilet training until they are three and a half. If you punish your child, this could backfire spectacularly and cause him problems that could last for years.

Feliciaxxx · 02/08/2019 03:34

Can you put him back in nappies for a short time if he doesn't like it? Might make him think twice & then reward him for 'big boy' behaviour by being able to wear pants again.

SmartPlay · 02/08/2019 06:14

I find it interesting that most posters condemn punishment, but support rewards for success. I do agree that taking away a toy is a stupid idea, especially since the toy has no connection to the pooping/potty/toilet.

However, if you tell a child it will get a treat if he poos into the potty or toilet, and he won't get it because he pooped in his pants, that's a punishment as well - in the child's eyes! There is not much difference for a small child between not getting something he wanted to have, because he pooped in his pants, and having something he wants taken away from him because he pooped in his pants.

So stop shaming this mother - who simply asked for advice! - telling her how horrible she is and even suggesting a report to social services, if your alternative suggestions are of the same character as her own idea!

Btw: Depending on the child, going back to nappies (and pull-ups are nappies!), even though he's great peeing into the toilet/potty, can be a punishment too. And a quite big one at that!

Tigger001 · 02/08/2019 06:30

I agree op it would be silly putting him back in pull ups (which are effectively nappies) when he has mastered where his wees go. It's just confusing. It probably is the easy option for you but not the best option for your child.
Perserver with the training and look them pooing signs and place him on the potty and keep helping him become more Independant.
Good luck 💐💐💐

Namaste6 · 02/08/2019 06:30

@SmartPlay . Yes, I'm perfectly sure a 2 year old will wrap his poor head around that warped analogy. This is simple. He's not ready. This process requires patience, caring, support and yes reward. To suggest that a reward is akin to a punishment is utter drivel. Sorry, but you're way off the mark here. What this mother needs is a stark reminder that her son is simply not ready. She said herself that no rewards have been given because he hasn't earned any. Not ready.

The vast majority of reactions are driven my genuine concern and being utterly appalled at the original post.

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