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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To start punishing toddler for pooing in his pants

264 replies

Tigerwhocamefortea · 01/08/2019 22:14

DS is nearly 3. Been toilet trained for about 10 weeks and is very reliable with weeing and hasn’t had an accident since week 1. However he poos in his pants every day. We’ve had about 4 make it to the toilet in 10 weeks and that’s been when I’ve caught him doing it and whisked him off.

He will tell me straight afterwards that there is a poo in his pants and will smile and laugh about it. I’ve tried talking to him and nothing seems to be sinking in. I’ve no idea why he is doing it in his pants but it’s driving me mad!

AIBU to put consequences such as removing a toy if he poos in his pants? It’s a deliberate act, he knows he is pushing out the poo into his pants and I can usually catch him doing it as he goes quiet!

OP posts:
AlphaJura · 02/08/2019 13:06

My ds used to do this. Nothing worked. My ds never really responded to rewards/sticker charts etc, he just didn't care. In the end I 'gave up' and took no notice when he did it, just helped him get changed but I stopped going on about it. One day he just decided to start going on the toilet of his own accord. I think ignoring it was the best thing to do. My ds has always been like this though. You can't get him to do anything, he has to decide for himself.

Jojobears · 02/08/2019 13:11

I don’t think this is uncommon at all! I’ve known loads of kids who have done this.

We took advice from an older colleague with 4 kids who said she just waited TIL her kids told her they wanted to use the potty. A month before his 3rd birthday our DS decided that he just wanted to use the potty. We have had very few accidents since.

Perhaps he isn’t ready for toilet training? I’d speak to the health visitor

pollysproggle · 02/08/2019 13:22

My boy (3 and 3 months) does this constantly and he has been potty trained wee wise since 2, uses the big toilet and is also dry at night.

It was driving me mad but I've just taken a step back.
Now it's summer he's commando at home again when I think he's due to go and I've got the potty back out for poo's.

They'll get there in the end!

gingersausage · 02/08/2019 13:23

I don’t understand why parents are so bloody desperate to say their children are potty trained but they have accidents.

If they wet themselves and shit their pants multiple times a day, they’re not potty trained FFS, they’re not fucking READY!!!

JustDanceAddict · 02/08/2019 13:35

Noooooo!!
You will make it 100x worse. And lead to constipation issues. Reward when he does it in potty, just buy cheap pants and chuck if you have to. A star chart is good - give him ownership of it - let him decorate it etc. When he’s done 7 poos in potty or whatever, but him the reward.
I’m speaking from experience (I didn’t punish but it was very frustrating and we were advised to do the star chart at aged 3 and it worked).

Feelingwalkedover · 02/08/2019 13:39

Put him back in nappies
. Obviously

Bourbonbiccy · 02/08/2019 13:40

OP I would recommend a book called "oh Crap" it was great for us and alot of others we know.
It does have a section for if they are over 3 as well.

pollysproggle · 02/08/2019 14:28

@gingersausage @Feelingwalkedover

That's rubbish. Kids are always going to have accidents occasionally it doesn't means they're not toilet trained.
Granted if it's every time but OP is saying just poos, they're a different part of it altogether and not a reason to go back to nappies.
It's better to wash out some shitty pants than fill up the bins with unnecessary nappies.

AllFourOfThem · 02/08/2019 17:18

@pollysproggle surely washing clothes is the same as washing disposable nappies though. 🤷🏻‍♀️

AllFourOfThem · 02/08/2019 17:19

I don’t understand why parents are so bloody desperate to say their children are potty trained but they have accidents.

If they wet themselves and shit their pants multiple times a day, they’re not potty trained FFS, they’re not fucking READY!!!

I agree.

Nomoremilk · 02/08/2019 17:22

Sorry OP but he hasn't been toilet trained for 10 weeks. He is pooing in his pants. Don't punish him you will fuck him up.

Technonan · 02/08/2019 17:22

If you do that, he may start withholding, and then you'll really know what trouble with pooing is. He'll start using the toilet son enough.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 02/08/2019 17:22

If they wet themselves and shit their pants multiple times a day, they’re not potty trained FFS, they’re not fucking READY!!!

Yup. Both my boys (potty training was complex due to ASD) were dry day and night before they had poo in the toilet down. I've never, and will never, understand the pressure parents place on their children to potty train.

Either they're ready, or they aren't. If it's just poo, as in this case, then find a way round it that works for your child. It's not hard.

Oh and punishment for not being able to control their bowel or bladder because you've decided they're ready is fucking awful and a really horrible thing to do.

pollysproggle · 02/08/2019 17:33

@AllFourOfThem
Do people wash disposable nappies? 😐

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 02/08/2019 17:44

My little brother was a bit like this OP, turned out he'd gotten into his head that there were crocodiles in the sewers and they would come and bite him. Wees were fine as they were quick but he was too scared to sit for long enough to poo. It was the eighties and there was a Saturday morning show called round the bend set in a sewer so I think that may have been where he got it from. My parents tried to convince him it was safe, but he didn't believe them. In the end a family friend who was a police officer came round in his uniform and explained that he'd checked the sewers and there were definitely no crocodiles, and if there ever were they wouldn't fit in toilets and he'd catch them for being naughty and in the sewer. It sounds like utter madness but it worked. I'm not saying engage a police officer, but try and find out if there's a reason behind it, or may well be he just hasn't learned yet though.

Jinxed2 · 02/08/2019 19:49

Wow 😳 can’t believe anyone would even consider this. He isn’t toilet trained yet if he can’t poo in the toilet. Lots of children have anxiety about letting their poo go.

makingmammaries · 02/08/2019 19:54

My kids went through this. Incentives helped. My sister went as far as to buy a toy my nephew really wanted, put it on top of a tall cupboard where he could see it, and tell him he could have it when there were no accidents for a week. For a 2 year old you might have to start small, 2 days or 3 days. Anyway, it worked.

Nonnymum · 02/08/2019 20:06

You must never punish for toilet training. That will probably just make it much worse. I know it's annoying but try not to make a big thing of it. Some children just do take longer to control their poos. (I knew an almost 5 year old who wouldnt poo on the potty or toilet it was something to do with the feel of it I think. But he did get there in the end with patience and your child will do too . Just don't make a big issue of it, he is still very young.

bumblingbovine49 · 02/08/2019 20:06

I would give him a chocolate button or rolo

( something small that he really likes and that he is not usually allowed) the next time you catch him in time for him to go in the toilet. Don't tell him out is for pooing just give it to him and say how happy you are that the poo went in the toilet.

Give him the treat every time you manage to catch him in time. Absolutely ignore it when he poos in his pants except to clean him ups as quickly as possible and without fuss or comment.

Try to combine a good associaton for him with pooing in the toilet along with absolutely no reaction at all from you for pooing in his pants. If he asks for the treat say ' oh that is only for when poos go in the toilet' You may end up giving him a chocolate button a day for a while but you can eventually start saying that he can have it after dinner (when he is reliable)

OhTheRoses · 02/08/2019 20:13

My boy was dry trained at 2.8. He continued to use the potty for poo for a few months longer. At 2.8 he said no nappy. You aren't there yet op. Pull ups until he is.

wotsittoyou · 02/08/2019 20:18

"Today I made him lie down on the changing mat to clean him up which he hated as he said he wasn’t a baby. I’m hoping this might motivate him to use the toilet"

Why does he hate doing 'baby' things? He is a baby! It sounds like you've already made a habit of shaming him for not being further ahead in his development. It hasn't worked, clearly. Why do you think more of the same will change anything?

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 02/08/2019 20:25

He’s 2!

Some children aren’t even ready to potty train at this age.

Some children can also only go for a poo in their nappy/pants/hidden place...

This could go the complete other way, in that he withholds his poo, which will cause him huge discomfort and possible medical intervention.

Boneshere · 02/08/2019 20:29

I didnt bother potty training until 3-4 with my boys for this very reason... They weren't ready! We waited and they all nailed it in a week, no accidents. Communication is key, and two year olds can't do that well all the time and listen to their own bodies and signals.

Boneshere · 02/08/2019 20:29

And most* two year olds

Dutch1e · 02/08/2019 20:33

Peeing and pooing are such different processes, you and he are actually doing brilliantly. He pees in the potty and is delighted that he can tell you when he poos. This is big progress, truly.

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