Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To start punishing toddler for pooing in his pants

264 replies

Tigerwhocamefortea · 01/08/2019 22:14

DS is nearly 3. Been toilet trained for about 10 weeks and is very reliable with weeing and hasn’t had an accident since week 1. However he poos in his pants every day. We’ve had about 4 make it to the toilet in 10 weeks and that’s been when I’ve caught him doing it and whisked him off.

He will tell me straight afterwards that there is a poo in his pants and will smile and laugh about it. I’ve tried talking to him and nothing seems to be sinking in. I’ve no idea why he is doing it in his pants but it’s driving me mad!

AIBU to put consequences such as removing a toy if he poos in his pants? It’s a deliberate act, he knows he is pushing out the poo into his pants and I can usually catch him doing it as he goes quiet!

OP posts:
SoftSheen · 01/08/2019 22:28

YAB very U.

Dora26 · 01/08/2019 22:28

Incentivise - Rolos worked well for me - chocolate was a massive treat. Use mat - and throw out pants for your own sanity! It WILL happen - try to chill

Tigger001 · 01/08/2019 22:28

I wouldn't say he was toilet trained if he had only made 4 or 5 successful poos on the toilet.

Definitely dont punish, you dont want him scared to poo at all because he cant get it in the toilet. Reward good behaviour, ignore bad.

And definitely not back to nappies

What was happening when he successfully made it to the toilet for his poo ?

stubbyboardman · 01/08/2019 22:29

Today I made him lie down on the changing mat to clean him up which he hated as he said he wasn’t a baby. I’m hoping this might motivate him to use the toilet next time. I also threw away the soiled pants which he also got upset about as he wanted to keep them

So you are already punishing him, with humiliation and with the loss of something he likes!

What I think you should do is calm down and accept that this is going to take time and repetition, so you will need to be patient. Take him to the toilet after meals and at regular intervals during the day. Talk to him positively about using the toilet like a big boy. Huge praise if he succeeds or even tries. No reaction and no drama if he doesn't, just clean it up and get on with your day.

It's unpleasant and a slog, but you can't take a short-cut by treating him badly, which is what you will be doing if you punish him for failing at toileting. He is still so little.

Bringonspring · 01/08/2019 22:29

Are there friends of his where you could say ‘xxx does poos in the toliet’

Throwing his pants away and trying to punish him is quite upsetting. It’s like the thread the other day when the mum wouldn’t help her 9 year old wash her hair as a punishment.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 01/08/2019 22:30

Been toilet trained for about 10 weeks

Clearly he hasn't! Of course YABU to punish him for it. He's 2

NCforthis2019 · 01/08/2019 22:30

Wtf?! You want to punish your 3 year old by taking a toy away from him if he soils himself? He learned to walk less than 2 years ago presumably? And talk? Just recently? You expect him to control his poop and if not you’ll punish him? Jesus Christ. Talk about bad parenting.

Divebar · 01/08/2019 22:30

Noooo don’t punish him... he’s only tiny. A little reward chart and lots of praise. Maybe a little lucky dip bag with some small treats.

TitusAndromedom · 01/08/2019 22:31

Don’t punish him. It’s really common for boys to struggle with poos. I know because I have twins and the poo accidents went on for weeks even when they were clearly otherwise potty trained. Two things that worked for us: 1. Download the free and very weird app Poo Goes Home to Poo Land. Watch it, and encourage him to watch it when he sits down to have a poo. It is the most low-budget thing, but had a significant impact on poo accidents. 2. Get him involved in the clean-up. You don’t have to be unkind, but just very matter-of-fact. My boys know that, if they have an accident, they have to put their pants in the sink in the utility room and they have to go get clean pants from their room, even if they were doing something more interesting. It’s a natural consequence and helps them to understand why they need to use the toilet.

I promise he isn’t being naughty or spiteful. It’s just a really big thing to learn and he isn’t quite there yet, although I know how frustrating it can be.

Iggly · 01/08/2019 22:31

YABU

he’s 2. Even if he was 3 I’d not. Or any age.

I bribed mine with chocolate for poos in the potty and we moved to the toilet. But never would I punish.

He’s clearly doing it for attention. So minimise the attention. Clean up quickly, say little.

Massive rewards etc for getting it right.

Doje · 01/08/2019 22:32

I think it's generally considered that punishment around potty training is not a good thing.

DS2 was like this, and a little bit of bribery worked. We did mini marshmallows for poos on the potty, which did the trick.

CrotchetyQuaver · 01/08/2019 22:32

Well I think what you said you did, treating him like a baby (cleaning him up on the changing mat and chucking out the pooey pants like they were a dirty nappy) sounds reasonable enough to me. If he doesn't like it then he needs to do what big boys do and poo on the loo (mine loved that little rhyme BTW). Can you help him along at all by putting him on the loo if he goes at about the same time every day, but then again would he cooperate? Of course he may genuinely not be ready in which case then you'll need to rethink. However if he's laughing when he's done one in his pants, it does sound like he knows exactly what he's doing - so treating him like the baby he says he isn't might be a great way to get him doing poo on the loo. It will pass!

sleepwhenidie · 01/08/2019 22:32

Back right off, put him in pull ups and no reaction at all to accidents, praise him when he gets it right. If he’s never getting it right with poos then he isn’t trained, it’s still an ongoing process and punishing him will not work!

Nyancat · 01/08/2019 22:33

What about a very visible jar of sweets and telling him he can have one or two each time he poos in the toilet, and do not give them for any other reason.

I found no point in star charts with mine as they weren't interested in concept of they would get a treat with x no of stars but a jar of giant buttons worked wonders.

gamerchick · 01/08/2019 22:35

No, don't make an issue out of it. At that age, they have so little control in their little lives and can see poo as their belonging and theirs to control. You don't want to switch to him witholding it and refusing to go at all.

OrangeSlices998 · 01/08/2019 22:35

Reward him for sitting on the toilet, take him regularly and talk about where the poo goes, wave bye bye to the wees etc. Don’t punish him, you’ll make it worse!

growlingbear · 01/08/2019 22:35

Punishment is not only cruel it won't work.
Make zero fuss about it, Just clean him up saying, conversationally, 'Not to worry. When you're a big boy you'll be able to use the toilet.'
Maybe if there's a toy he wants you can very nicely say, 'When you're a big boy and can use the toilet, we can get that for you.' Might work as an incentive but just say it very casually. Don't make a big deal of it.

Also check the toilet is easy to use. Steps up to it, padded smaller inset seat for it, and very easy pull down joggers, nothing with buttons or zips or anything difficult to manage.

AdelaideK · 01/08/2019 22:35

Of course you don't punish him. Is this actually a serious question? He's not yet toilet trained .

gamerchick · 01/08/2019 22:36

Poos go to poo land. I remember a story about it given once.

Spudlet · 01/08/2019 22:36

I got a new toy - just a little cheap one - put it on a high shelf and said he could have it for a poo in the potty. We had a successful poop the very next day. It wasn’t all plain sailing from there, but that was the start.

We have just done a pasta jar to remind him to tell us when he needs a wee - he’s now very good with poos but forgets about wees until it’s too late. That too has worked pretty well.

Punishing is a total non-starter.

Original poster
Tigerwhocamefortea · 01/08/2019 22:37

The use of a changing mat and throwing away the pants wasn’t really intended as a punishment, but wrestling off soiled pants is really messy and throwing them away was the easiest thing to do with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tigerwhocamefortea · 01/08/2019 22:39

@growlingbear he takes himself to the toilet for a wee multiple times away so is more than capable of doing it. It’s just poo that seems to have become a game to him with how he laughs about it and talks about it.

OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 01/08/2019 22:39

Why not use pull-ups for now? I waited until my son was 3 to start potty training which seemed to help.

Pannalash · 01/08/2019 22:40

Incentives for getting it right. Not punishments for doing it wrong.

This

'Punishment' seriously? poor little toddler Angry

Constance1234 · 01/08/2019 22:41

I think rewards for doing it on the toilet/potty rather than punishments would be best. You don't want him to become ashamed of a normal bodily function!