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AIBU?

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Original poster

To start punishing toddler for pooing in his pants

264 replies

Tigerwhocamefortea · 01/08/2019 22:14

DS is nearly 3. Been toilet trained for about 10 weeks and is very reliable with weeing and hasn’t had an accident since week 1. However he poos in his pants every day. We’ve had about 4 make it to the toilet in 10 weeks and that’s been when I’ve caught him doing it and whisked him off.

He will tell me straight afterwards that there is a poo in his pants and will smile and laugh about it. I’ve tried talking to him and nothing seems to be sinking in. I’ve no idea why he is doing it in his pants but it’s driving me mad!

AIBU to put consequences such as removing a toy if he poos in his pants? It’s a deliberate act, he knows he is pushing out the poo into his pants and I can usually catch him doing it as he goes quiet!

OP posts:
LatteLove · 01/08/2019 23:18

YABU. He’s 2!

Beerandpancakes · 01/08/2019 23:22

Echo what others have said, don't punish you will make it worse and possibly create withholding issues which are a nightmare to deal with (we've been there, took about 2 years to fully resolve). I suggest ringing ERIC for advice or looking at their website, they are really helpful. Also as pps have said the poo goes to pooland app is good and also the delightfully named read everybody poos.
Try sitting him on the potty or toilet about 20 mins after each meal, only for a few minutes and praise / reward for this even if nothing happens. Eventually you should get lucky and then can praise/reward more. Also worth checking with HV or doctors if he could be constipated (he may be even if he's soiling).

I know its a total nightmare but really try and be patient - I found it very hard not to show my frustration sometimes and it really didn't help.

LatteLove · 01/08/2019 23:23

Oh and if he’s pooing his pants every day and not pooing on the toilet he’s not toilet trained.

Please don’t do anything that could lead to him withholding poos. Read the post above from the PP who’s daughter became very ill. If you punish him he may see pooing as naughty and try and hold it in. Stick him in a pull up and try again in a month. My youngest wasn’t toilet trained til he was well over 3, but he was clean and dry with no accidents within a couple of days.

IamWaggingBrenda · 01/08/2019 23:24

he takes himself to the toilet for a wee multiple times away so is more than capable of doing it. It’s just poo that seems to have become a game to him with how he laughs about it and talks about it.
FGS he takes himself to the toilet to wee because he’s learned to do that. That doesn’t mean he SHOULD know how to poo. It’s an entirely different sensation. I’ve spent countless hours doing this , as I ran a home daycare. All you will do if you try to push him, or punish poopy pants is turn it into a power struggle and he will win. You can’t MAKE him go, and I can assure you, he will do it when he’s good and ready. If he is laughing and talking about it, join in the fun - tell him he will get something if he manages to go in the toilet and reward him when he does. It will happen, but it is not an extension of weeing. It’s a brand new, separate challenge/skill for him.

Janleverton · 01/08/2019 23:26

Me personally, I’d back right off. No fuss, no punishment, only praise for the peeing. I’d prob use pull ups for a while. I wish I’d left ds1 for longer and not pushed the training. It was a source of angst for him because I made a bigger deal of it than I should. Resulting in constipation. He’s a bright boy, has an older sister who didn’t have the same issues and I fell into the trap of making more of a fuss than I should have. With ds2I backed right off. And didn’t have the same issues. With hindsight, ds1 was way more tricky with regards to control and sensory things and confidence and what suited dd didn’t suit him.

Alexapourmeadrink · 01/08/2019 23:26

Seriously? You’re considering punishment? He may be laughing but it may well be from embarrassment or confusion. Just because he’s weeing in the toilet doesn’t make him toilet trained. He’s only 2. He’s trying to please you. He doesn’t know yet that this isn’t the way. Don’t punish him. Praise him for keeping it contained.

ScrimshawTheSecond · 01/08/2019 23:28

He's 2! Potty training can be a big deal for kids.

Punishing him is unnecessary, potentially damaging and a slightly puzzling way of approaching the issue.

Patient encouragement is the best way forward. Has he got toys he can act out pooping in the potty with? We had a book that cheered every time the kid went in the potty.

katiedoc · 01/08/2019 23:30

If he is still pooing his pants then he is not toilet trained.

He is only 2. Give the wee fella some time.

Namaste6 · 01/08/2019 23:31

I'm with @stubbyboardman. WTAF. Seriously OP, punish yourself for even considering it. Then report yourself to social services.

Schuyler · 01/08/2019 23:31

Firstly, he’s not toilet trained. Secondly, you are speaking really weirdly about your toddler....talking about throwing his underwear away and punishments? Poor child.

abbey44 · 01/08/2019 23:32

My DS1 was like this at the same age - I had a newborn as well and I was at the end of my tether. I thought it was deliberate, and went through the going back into pull-ups, changing mat, bribes...everything. Then I sat down with him one day and we talked about it and it turned out that he just didn't "feel the feeling" when he needed a poo. He recognised the feeling when he needed a wee, but the other...no, took him by surprise every time. It took a bit of patience and vigilance to catch him (luckily I could see the signs, even if he didn't recognise them!) and with a bit of patience we got to the loo more often than not. One day it just clicked, he beamed at me and said "Mummy, I feel the feeling!" and dashed to the loo. In time. And that was it. Never messed his pants again. God, though, there were times I never thought it'd happen...

MabelMoo23 · 01/08/2019 23:33

What the actual fuck????? He’s 2!!!!!!!!

ScarlettOHarasWaist · 01/08/2019 23:34

To punish a small child for pooing in the wrong place is quite cruel. You might like to look at your methods of toilet training. I think you're getting a lot wrong if you think that punishment is appropriate.

Namaste6 · 01/08/2019 23:36

Yes @CrotchetyQuaver - EXCEPT HE'S 2 FFS. HE'S NOT A 'BIG BOY'. Jesus.

Lolapusht · 01/08/2019 23:53

He’s not ready. Why do you want him to be trained now? Put him in pull-ups so he can still pee in the loo but leave him be until he’s ready. Keep talking to him about what it feels like when he poos, explain what’s happening in his body, show him the poo and putting in in the toilet and let him learn at his own pace. Mine were trained what would probably be considered “late” but it took about two weeks for each of them, we had maybe half a dozen wee accidents each and no poo accidents.

I don’t think he’ll forget how to pee in the loo if he’s in pull-ups, but you can use the chucking the poo pants out to your advantage...”you were really upset the other day when I threw out the pants, but we couldn’t get them cleaned. How about we use the nappies for poos but you can still use the toilet for pees because you’re SO good at that?” Be nice for God’s sake!

Not sure what you want to be suggested if you won’t consider pull-ups and insist on pants when he can’t poo in the loo as you’re basically setting him up to continue pooing himself which will just continue upsetting you which will mean you will probably get angry with him which could well permanently affect his toilet training. Back off until he’s ready.

bigfatmoggy · 01/08/2019 23:57

My DS got weeing before pooing, they don't necessarily seem to connect the two. Our situation was a bit different as DS has ASD and I spent a few years trying to get him toilet trained, but the HV said we really needed to make a proper, recorded effort before he started school. But he pooed anywhere and everywhere, he would sometime pull down his pants but poo on the floor, or we tried him naked outside and he'd do it as he walked. But he was 4 - and still didn't seem to 'get it' although he'd been dry for ages. Please don't punish a two year old.

fwiw - DS learned when he had been at school for about a term - maybe he became aware that others were using the toilet. But obviously his was a different case - I just wanted to point out that they can learn about wee and still not get poo, for some reason...... Good luck - you'll get there eventually.

NCforthis2019 · 02/08/2019 00:00

Your poor son. Getting punished! At a grand age of not even 3! Fucking Christ. Back off until he’s ready for gods sake.

HoomanMoomin · 02/08/2019 00:01

It won’t work anyway.

My 4 yo DD still would prefer to poo in the nappy instead of toilet. She only has been quite reliable since March or so. Before that she would hold it in until she got a nappy on. We had to bribe her with toys and treats.

katewhinesalot · 02/08/2019 00:05

We ended back in pull ups and he regressed on the wee front. He was scared of releasing a poo but obviously couldn't express this fear. I just happen to catch one in the potty once and when he realised that nothing happened to him, he was fine and immediately toilet trained.

LittlePaintBox · 02/08/2019 00:11

YABVU.

He's not 'trained' if he hasn't yet got the hang of pooing. Get him some pull-ups to take the 'shitty pants' angst out of the equation, and carry on training him through rewards and persuasion.

And for heaven's sake, back off the poor child. If he senses he's displeasing you by pooing in his pants, it's not going to make him use the potty or toilet. It's just going to make him want to avoid pooing anywhere.

Happyspud · 02/08/2019 00:11

You don’t have to punish but you do have to communicate clearly that it’s not acceptable. Soft parenting and over thinking on these things leads to so much confusion for kids I feel. Give clear instruction and do show a negative reaction when they don’t get it right. Never scare the child but do clearly set expectations and give negative feedback when it’s merited. I find they learn very fast when they trust you and feel safe but are clearly instructed and not pussyfooted around.

Just my opinion. Lots of parents won’t subscribe to this view but it’s worked across lots of tricky parenting areas.

DCICarolJordan · 02/08/2019 00:12

This is so sad and so very concerning. Please DO NOT punish your little boy. He’s two. Your expectations of him are entire unreasonable if you think punishing him will do anything except cause him distress he doesn’t understand. I suggest that you back off and spend some time investigating parenting classes or finding some books on child development to re adjust your expectations.

Chottie · 02/08/2019 00:12

No. no. no. Just no.

I can't believe you would consider punishing a 2 year old.......

DaisyChops · 02/08/2019 00:14

Hi op, I have just been through the exact same thing with my DS and I thought we would never get there.
What worked for me was the 'dry like me' pads, they are basically like a little panty liner for kids and you can use them at the front for wees and the back for poo's.

These were a life saver for me as my DS could do multiple poos a day and I was forever washing or binning undies.
It felt like going backwards or a punishment in nappies but after about 3 or 4 weeks of using these we are now just at the point of not needing them at all.

I struggled to find these in stores but amazon sell them.
Good luck op x

ItsAllGoingToBeMagnificent · 02/08/2019 00:15

I'd agree with everyone else, terrible idea to punish a 2 year old learning to potty train. You use reward when he manages to use the loo, punishment isn't going to help him here.

If it was me I'd probably lay off a little and stick him in pull-ups until he's ready. He can still use the potty for wees in pull-ups. I took the no pressure approach with my first child, we stopped and restarted a couple of times when it was clear she wasn't quite ready.