To start punishing toddler for pooing in his pants

[Tigerwhocamefortea]

DS is nearly 3. Been toilet trained for about 10 weeks and is very reliable with weeing and hasn’t had an accident since week 1. However he poos in his pants every day. We’ve had about 4 make it to the toilet in 10 weeks and that’s been when I’ve caught him doing it and whisked him off.

He will tell me straight afterwards that there is a poo in his pants and will smile and laugh about it. I’ve tried talking to him and nothing seems to be sinking in. I’ve no idea why he is doing it in his pants but it’s driving me mad!

AIBU to put consequences such as removing a toy if he poos in his pants? It’s a deliberate act, he knows he is pushing out the poo into his pants and I can usually catch him doing it as he goes quiet!

Please use the feedback above and the suggestions to take a look at some of your instincts. Thinking of punishing someone so, so young and who is just learning is horrible and likely to be counterproductive. Even the things like the changing mat and throwing away the soiled pants - you run the risk of making the whole thing fraught with anxiety for him and he'll avoid it even more. As well as making your little man feel shame and humiliation. Poor little fella. Sometimes how you get there is as important as the end goal. Please bear that in mind

Please don't punish him.. I made this mistake when my youngest would continue to pooh in her pants and clothes often unaware it was even happening or what the feeling was. My mother (so glad she's not in our lives now) used to shout at her when ever she did it and told me I was getting it all wrong by ignoring and cleaning her up. I was terrified of my mother and allowed this ( yes I know I'm the worst).
However all it did was make it worse. She began withholding and after we cut off my family we found the damage was done. She had been withholding so much her bowels were stretched etc and she had lost all feeling down below so didn't know when she was going. Most days it was just wet and runny as this was all that could get past what she was withholding..

This went on for some time with me trying so hard to undo the damage I had allowed my mother to do but it wasn't that easy. After a while we found out she was autistic and didn't like the feel of it comming out on the toilet. (not saying your child is autistic BTW).

In the end she fell very ill and was rushed to hospital as her entire bowel was blocked from top to bottom and impacted. She was lucky. They made it clear a couple more days and her organs would have started to shut down.
She had to have enemas and an operation and is still taking daily meds now to keep her system right as we have to wait for her body to try to heal and get it right.

She still wets herself at night at age 9 and still occasionally has a poo accident but not often and as things are now I don't care as long as she's still here and happy.

If I could go back and not care about the pooh accidents so much and stop my mother from insisting she should be doing it by now as she was two then I would.. I'd happily clean every pair or pants thrown my way if I could change what she's been through.

I'm sorry that was so long but I'd rather no one else had the same problems. Please just try to be patient or speak with a doctor incase there is a reason.

And please can nobody judge me. Yes I know I was awful. I will never forgive myself For letting my fear of my mother put my child through that.

My younger brother used to soil his pants at around the age of three to four. I can remember him going quiet too. It turned out his bowels were full and it was the overflow. He had no control of his bowels, but had control of his bladder. My mother punishing him obviously made no difference.

Just to say my DS got wees but took a lot longer with poos. I think he found the whole process inconvenient to his play. I just got a load of boring cheap pants and threw them away.

Try to relax about it, I know it seems horrendous now but in a years time you won’t even be thinking about it.

It makes me sad the language used with toddlers - punishment. Surely at this age it’s about teaching and learning involves mistakes, that’s how you learn.

Haven't read the whole thread but my ds2 was nowhere near potty trained until well past 3. DS1 used to wait until he was in his night time nappy and then poo in that when half asleep. He would then be really angry at being woken up to be changed!

What worked for us was rewards for poos on the loo. Can't remember what now, maybe hula hoops/chocolate buttons. Needs to be instant. Also special novelty loo paper -- think I got some off ebay (new!!) with a special appealing design on it. Definitely keep it positive despite how annoying the process is for you.

Good luck.

Hes not toilet trained at all though is he?

It sounds like he's never really pooed on the toilet, only when you've caught him. He's always pooed in his pants/nappy his whole life. It's what he knows. It's not pooing your pants really to a toddler because theyve sort of always pooed their pants.

To me it's really bizarre to think about punishing a toddler for pooing in their pants, when it's all they've ever done! He's learning a skill he's never used before, it takes time. He's my being naughty, he's never actually managed to poo in the potty by himself.

This is extremely common, and seems to be more so with boys. Do not make it an issue, I know it's hard to when you're frustrated, but the most common result of a "punishment" for pooing in their pants is that they begin to hold it and end up with really bad constipation. Then it hurts when it comes out and they develop a fear and aversion to the pain and become further constipated.

What has worked for me potty training boys is finding some big ticket item they want. If you know what that is now, great. If not, I've taken kids to the toy store and let them pick out a beloved toy as a reward.

Then I put it on the bathroom counter/window ledge in the bathroom they use. Out of reach but in their sight line. And I've said they get it when they go poo in the potty. Something that they see everytime they go pee in the potty so they really keep remembering it's there and wanting it.

Then when they go they get the toy. Then I keep repeating but with smaller toys/treats because it gets expensive. Eventually they're down to a few M&M's or something and I can stop. That might work for your son.

It's hard not to get frustrated but try not to react. He might think it's hilarious but he doesn't really get the concept either of what he's doing.

My DD has constipation and poo fear. I had no idea as she'd happily squirrel off and do it in her pants. I regret to this day all the times I got cross with her and made her feel like she'd failed. They are toddlers, and there'll be a reason you might not understand. YABU

Yabvu.

We don’t use night time nappies as he is dry at night as well as all day. I don’t really want to therefore start introducing something like this at this stage.

I will keep persevering and show him poo goes to pooland to see if that helps.

I've had a situation with my son, which is not the same as yours, but a bit similar. He was completely potty trained for a few weeks and everything was fine. Then he suddenly started using he new found control over his excretions in a very negative way - whenever he was angry, he would pee himself on purpose. It happend when he wanted something from me (like reading a book) and I was busy doing something and would tell him things like "I'm just going to finish washing the dishes, then I'll read to you" - which he was perfectly capable of understanding, though understandably not always appreciative of. It was extremely annoying and he telling him off didn't stop him.
Then he pooped into his pants on purpose and I realised that by peeing or pooping himself he gets what he wants - my immediate attention. So instead of cleaning him up right away, I put him into the bathroom and told him I'll finish what I was doing, then I'll come clean him up. I'd put him back into the bathroom every time he came out, either telling him with a few short words to stay there till I clean him up, or saying nothing at all, in order to not give him the attention he wants. He pooped in is pants twice out of anger - and I admit the second time I was deliberatley slow in finishing what I was doing - then this behaviour was over with (peeing on purpose as well).

The way you describe how your son reacts, makes me think of attention too.

Honestly, I'd just put him back in pull-ups and try again in 3 or 6 months. Don't make it so hard on both of you He's maybe just not ready yet.

No no no OP no punishments. As other posters have said rewards when done right and no drama made out of accidents, which is all they are. He is so small, my DS is nearly 6 and still in pull ups at night as he isn’t reliably dry yet, maybe your DS just isn’t ready for full on no pull up yet

Please don't shame your kid for not being toilet trained yet. It's abusive. Great way to cultivate anxiety.

It seems like you have not praising still for weeding . Does he have a potty nearby he can use.

Does he poo the same times of day ?

My son was wee trained at around 2.5 to 3. I say "trained", he did also week in any available vessel, including the dishwasher.#

He did poos in nappies until he was 6. He's autistic, so that makes a difference I guess. However, he wouldn't poo in the toilet or potty at all. So I stopped trying. Then when another year passed I just told him they didn't do poo nappies for children that big. He took this in and held it. For a week. It became unbearable so he had to go to the loo. That was that. I think he's very young, don't force him, take a step back from this. It's not a "punish" situation. He'll do it when he's ready.

@CeriseSky you would put him back in pull-ups (nappies) even though he is dry day and night? I would rather the inconvenience of cleaning one pair of soiled pants a day than confuse him over wees as well.

YBVVVU to punish him and it wont work anyway, he will probably just start hiding somewhere to poop instead.

As frustrating as it might be you really need to not take it so personally, imagine what you would do if someone else's newly potty training (and less than 3 months is very new) had an accident.......... then do that.

Tell him that the poi's need to go to poo poo land and throw them into the toilet from the underpants, and then get him to flush the toilet. I know it is very frustrating but it is very common and the last thing you want to do is to punish and make doing his poi's such a big issue as he could start making himself not go and then you have health issues to also contend with.,it takes time and patience unfortunately but he will get there.

Buy a weload of cheap pants was what you can, and bin those you can't salvage (sorry world).

Oh yes and what @jpclarke said! Flip the loo out of pants, let him see it go down the loo and let him deal with it, flushing etc.

Is it random times he pops at OP, or can you roughly predict and make sure he's close to you playing at that time? Two of my boys didn't even seem to know they were pooing, they'd make the face and I'd assume they were going to tell me, but they wouldn't and then I'd have to rush them to the toilet!! All my boys were more between 3 and 4 and a half for potty training, with some I'd tried and then gone back. Try watching him to see how he pops and also like other people said the attention should be given for the other stuff. Maybe a chat about how great the peeing is going etc. Best of luck OP, I always think potty training is the hardest ( last one of four came out of nappies last year!!)

Poo goes to poo land was really helpful for us too. I would be reluctant to go back to nappies in your shoes but poo accidents are really horrid to clean up so my tolerance would be quite limited and I can see why it’s been suggested. I really struggled with potty training as you do have to do be super positive at all times even if you want to cry.

I got a book on potty training and there is a whole chapter on poo issues. They are super common. A lot of kids think the poo is part of them and get scared. It also requires more effort than wee. If you’re going for bribery, it has to be something good.

My DS2 did this until almost 4. He was really scared of pooing on the toilet. It wasn't a problem as it was once a day max, always at home and always firm, so could be instantly tipped into the toilet. I used to rinse the skid marks in the flush before washing.

He will get there. Far worse was my DD who used to wee on sofa or carpet every time I tried to phase out the chocolate button rewards (didn't make that mistake again.)

It seems blizzard to me that you'd rather keep washing shitty underpants (or throwing them in the bin) than buy some pull ups. He's not even 3 yet.