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AIBU?

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Original poster

To start punishing toddler for pooing in his pants

264 replies

Tigerwhocamefortea · 01/08/2019 22:14

DS is nearly 3. Been toilet trained for about 10 weeks and is very reliable with weeing and hasn’t had an accident since week 1. However he poos in his pants every day. We’ve had about 4 make it to the toilet in 10 weeks and that’s been when I’ve caught him doing it and whisked him off.

He will tell me straight afterwards that there is a poo in his pants and will smile and laugh about it. I’ve tried talking to him and nothing seems to be sinking in. I’ve no idea why he is doing it in his pants but it’s driving me mad!

AIBU to put consequences such as removing a toy if he poos in his pants? It’s a deliberate act, he knows he is pushing out the poo into his pants and I can usually catch him doing it as he goes quiet!

OP posts:
Rumours0fAHurricane · 01/08/2019 22:41

Just do nothing. Just change him when he poos in his pants or better still, put him in pull ups for a while.

No need to offer incentives like toys or sweets . He'll get there

And stop punishing and stressing. These really are the very basics of parenting here

Fucket · 01/08/2019 22:41

Toilet training is hard work. If it’s warm enough and you are at home then get him to walk around with no pants on then he will not be able to use his pants to poo in. But he is doing it that way because he is used to pooing in a nappy. So if he starts getting agitated about doing a poo on the toilet take him and soothe him, encourage him and offer a reward for a poo on the loo.

They get there in the end, practice makes perfect.

Wildorchidz · 01/08/2019 22:42

You are setting yourself up for a long battle here.
Stop with all the pressure.
It will eventually resolve itself but I am telling you that the bigger an issue you make of it the longer it wil take.
My guess as a previous poster said is that he is smiling and laughing because he is afraid of your anger.

22Giraffes · 01/08/2019 22:42

Of course you shouldn't punish him, that's unkind not to mention pointless! Time, patience and encouragement are what's needed, even when you feel you've run out of all 3. Despite what you think he won't be enjoying pooing in his pants but he needs to come to the realisation that it's nicer for everyone when he does it in the toilet.

Keep going because he will get there, but just remember he is very young and not doing this this to spite you.

gamerchick · 01/08/2019 22:43

so treating him like the baby he says he isn't might be a great way to get him doing poo on the loo. It will pass!

I did this with middle kid when he started nursery and wouldn't poo in the toilet. I told him he can have a nappy but big boys don't wear nappies and only big boys go to nursery. He really liked nursery....

Mishappening · 01/08/2019 22:43

I don’t know how else to get him to stop doing it.

I think you need to turn this around. Rather than thinking of it as stopping him doing something you do not want him to do, you may find it more helpful to think in terms of helping him to do what you want him to do.

Firstly when he poos in his pants there should be no fuss; no "reward" of lots of attention; no shows of annoyance - just clean up with no comment.

Secondly he needs rewards for doing the right thing - I know, I know, you have got to get him to do it before you can reward him, so the idea above is ideal - i.e. a visible reward connected with the pace you want him to be - the loo.

Thirdly he really is quite young for a boy when it comes to toilet training. Maybe, when he wees in the right place (which is brilliant for a boy so young), you could, whilst you are in the right place, praise him and take the opportunity to show him the reward he will get when he does a poo in there too.

Positivity and more positivity is what is needed. Any negativity will set you bacl months and cause him distress.

I do know how hard it is, but you really do have to be patient.

My older two DDs set up a system for their young sibling which provided a jelly tot every time a wee went in the potty - and it was two jelly tots for a poo!!!

Blankiefan · 01/08/2019 22:43

Does he see you putting the poo into the loo afterwards? If not, make a point of showing him where poo goes.

Also, Google "Poo goes to Pooland". There are some good online resources that might help.

It's super annoying but it will pass!

Waiting1987 · 01/08/2019 22:43

He is still 2. Literally been on this planet less than 3 years. I think it's really sad you would even contemplate punishing such a young child for this.

My DS was slow to potty train and pooing in toilet took until 3.5-4.

cunningartificer · 01/08/2019 22:44

All children reach this stage at different ages. I understand your frustration, as it’s annoying when you feel children understand what they’re doing, but he is only a baby still. In a similar situation, I just made it more of a pain for him to mess his pants than to poo—no punishment, just natural consequences of taking a while to clean up etc, while emphasising how when you do it in the loo it’s quick as lightning. That worked for us. Another way is just to go back to nappies or pull ups until he’s ready, but if wees are ok you’re halfway there! Also agree with watching for poo time and taking advantage so you catch the positive.

TeaMe · 01/08/2019 22:45

Maybe go back to going commando - I've read that pants can mimic the comfort of a nappy and make them do this.

needanappp · 01/08/2019 22:45

He's not been toilet trained for 10 weeks if he's not reliably pooing on the potty/toilet. There's a difference between a regression and him still being in the learning stage. I understand it's frustrating but he's not deliberately doing it to be "naughty" by then sounds of it, he just doesn't quite understand.

If you can spot the signs of him doing a poo, pop him on the potty. Even if it's midway through. Then explain to him that the potty/toilet is where poo goes, not in our pants. You need to reinforce to him where he is meant to poo. Also, regularly praise him for being dry/clean. I did it with my son hourly when we first begun training. Maybe get some underwear with a favourite character on and explain that we don't poo on "x" as that makes him sad, we poo in the potty.

You would be being very unreasonable to punish him.

SuperFurryDoggy · 01/08/2019 22:45

Natural consequences, with kindness and no humiliation, like @TitusAndromedom said.

When DS did this I would say something along the lines of “never mind sweetie, I’ll help you clean yourself up, take those pants off, put them in the utility room, brilliant! Now get some wipes... etc, etc”. All done with warmth and love, but ultimately a huge, time-consuming faff that he decided was best avoided!

Original poster
Tigerwhocamefortea · 01/08/2019 22:45

Thanks everyone. Will try some of those suggestions.

I am reluctant to put him in pull ups because he only poos once a day or sometimes every other day and the rest of the time reliably wees on the toilet so think it could undo the good work he has done with weeing.

OP posts:
likeafishneedsabike · 01/08/2019 22:47

Poos take sooooooo much longer than wees in toilet training (in boys anyway). Ironic, since the male of the species considers a crap on the bog to be the best quality time going once he is adult.
Time for poos go to Poo land. Not Poland as auto correct tells me.

unicorncupcake · 01/08/2019 22:48

You absolutely do not want him withholding-we had this with DS at a similar age and it was really traumatic. He got so distraught and anxious and he ended up on movicol for months. As others have said, visible rewards and just ignore the accidents. He’s smiling and laughing because he wants your approval, not because he is being naughty on purpose.

Propertyofhood · 01/08/2019 22:49

My DD potty trained with wees really quickly, but poos took about 9 months to crack, we were tearing our hair out! She would poo in her knickers pretty much every day, or went through a phase of waiting until she had her nighttime pull up on and do it then.

At one point I had started wondering if I would still be changing her shitty knickers when she was 18!!!

She is very bright and developed early to normal in all other areas so we just couldn't figure it out. We tried rewards, we tried ignoring, we tried getting cross with her, I felt like we tried everything. She just didn't seem to care about pooing herself. But at no point did we actively punish her. It didn't seem fair and I don't think it would have worked anyway tbh.

In the end, she just started going on the toilet, in her own time Smile

Just keep persevering, you could be doing this for a while but the chances are he will get it sooner rather than later.

TwistyTop · 01/08/2019 22:49

I wouldn't do this. I think you risk making it much worse.

Potty training is one step forward, ten steps backwards. Give it time.

YourWinter · 01/08/2019 22:50

What an awful thought process, punishing him because this few weeks or months of learning is inconveniencing you. Train him with incentives, with praise and possibly some reward for getting it right. Make sure he knows what the reward is, and that it's something he will love. There's no better way to shatter a child's confidence than to 'punish' it when you could have made a very much better choice for your own behaviour.

Irishgurl · 01/08/2019 22:50

My nephew (3) did exactly this. It was totally a game of control for him. He would wait to do it in the worst possible place (shop, cinema etc). My poor sister in law was so anxious about it.Then he started morning nursery. He did it the first day. Staff were kind and professional and cleaned him up. Several of the other 3 year olds thought it was disgusting and let him know that they thought so! As only 3 year olds can! Strangely, he didn't do it again. Peer pressure even at 3!

Millie2017 · 01/08/2019 22:51

My DD did this for 3 weeks solid. One day my DH was in charge and just left her playing in a room with the potty. She went by herself. No idea why. I’d been ‘encouraging’ her to poo in the potty every day for 3 weeks. This time by herself she just did it. And never pooed her knickers again.

category12 · 01/08/2019 22:51

Poor child hasn't been "toilet-trained for about 10 weeks", he's still learning. Give him more time.

Twixes · 01/08/2019 22:51

I know, it's frustrating. My DS took ages with poos and I tried everything. Getting cross or punishment definitely didn't work, although I thought for a while it did. It's just about patience, eventually he'll get it!

what worked for us was a YouTube video called 'poop song' with little kids going to the loo. It's bloody genius.

HerRoyalNotness · 01/08/2019 22:53

Read him the poo goes to pooland booklet, you can find it online. That worked for Ds1 when he had problems with pooping in pants. Then just stay calm, show him when yoi change his pants that you tip the poo in the toilet, get him to flush it and wave goodbye. He could then outback his pants in a bucket for soaking and for washing later he can help out the machine on etc... an
oh dear, never mind, let’s put poo where it belongs and get cleaned up.

Then move on with your day

stucknoue · 01/08/2019 22:53

Better to bribe - 20p per poo in the right place (or whatever works for you) and let hi know that 5 buy him x or whatever, dd bought her favourite mr men books with her potty money

Millie2017 · 01/08/2019 22:54

@likeafishneedsabike poos go to Poland 😂