To refuse to collect my upset DD(16) from the trip?

[nooboo2]

Just finished Y11. She left this morning for Wales on a 5 night trip. It's an organised trip for 15/16/17 years olds (think NCS but this one is specific to kids in my area). They are at an activity centre where they stay in cabins and do activites etc, and after the 5 nights they work on a project together.

We moved straight after GCSE's from 4 hours away, so she's left all of her friends behind. We decided to send her on this as with it being kids from the local area it's likely most will go to the college she's going to, we thought it would be good for her to forge friendships and have some familiar faces to see at college. DD also was keen to go for the same reasons and was quite upbeat this morning as I was driving her to the coach.

We didn't hear from her all day and I was happy with that, thinking she must be having fun and socialising, but then she called at 8pm. She was in tears because they all went to the same school (the staff said they come from all over the area and several different schools) and they were all at a party the night before and that's all they talk about and they aren't interested in her. She just wants to phone and videochat her friends but there's no service there (she called on the activity centre's phone) She begged for DH (I don't drive) to pick her up. I said no for several reasons:

1. She's going to have this issue at college anyway so better to get friendly with a few kids beforehand.

1. She was keen on going on the trip and promised to stick it out.

1. I spent a few hundred quid buying her new gear for the trip, trainers etc. Because she insisted she needed it.

1. The activity centre is 2 hours away on a motorway and DH has had a drink. Like fuck am I letting him drive there in the dark.

I told her to stick it out for the night and if she still feels upset then to call tomorrow. I tried to comfort her but she just demanded so I ended up hanging up. She then rang DH. DH wanted to go and get her because she's been in hysterics, he proceeded to drink loads of water preparing to go. I managed to talk him out of it and DD is blowing up both of our phones.

AIBU to make her stick it out, at least for tonight? The first day was always going to be hard but sitting at home and pining over her friends won't help her settle. And wanting DH to come for her...no fucking way.

How the hell did Bosnia and Iraq get in there?

Presumably because posters have claimed that anyone who doesn't stick something out lacks resilience and is a bit of a snowflake. I guess that it proves that not wanting to stay on a residential trip doesn't lead to a lifetime of being able to function as an adult.

Glad its all sorted, and she has come away feeling okay about it all in the end.

By 16y you do think they'd have the means to allow her a little alone time. Surely everyone needs some time out occasionally?!

Blimey is she still rambling on

When I originally said "Your dad can't come tonight. See how you feel tomorrow." she got quite stroppy and sweary and it became hard to try and comfort her because I became the evil cow who wouldn't let her come home That would have been enough for me to put the phone down too. If my kids cross a line with me I disengage straight away and that includes putting the phone down on them.

Glad she’s ok OP, she should have been allowed time alone.

I did NCS at that age, because I was very socially shy and uncomfortable after a bad schooling experience and my parents were worried about going to college after summer where I would know no one.

It didn't help, and I just felt uncomfortable half the time. For the first month of college, I ate lunch alone, didn't speak to anyone and felt incredibly isolated and lonely. I wanted to drop out and figure something else out after, but eventually I fell in with a group of friends and whilst college didn't work out for me in the end, I was just fine. I still speak to my college mates years down the line, actually.

So she hasn't stuck this one out, that's fine. These trips away can be an absolute nightmare and forcing her to go through it wouldn't really be fun for either of you. I was never wrapped in cotton wool and neither is my child, but if she wants to come home from something then I tend to weigh it up and say yes, you can come home. If a child decides they aren't going to get something out of one of these trips, 9/10, they don't come away with anything learned and have just had a pretty crappy time. She'll make friends, college will be fine, it's a few short years that surprisingly fly by.

Also moving your child away from their friends isn't some big horrible thing to do, it's life, it happens, I was moved around as a child of military parents (only three times, but still moved to different continents!) and you soon make new mates. Hope she enjoys college and settles in okay.

@Senseofself1 my mother is an absolute angel, will take any amount of nastiness from a person and still find something nice to say about them, she has the patience of a Saint in all honestly. But she has always put the phone down on me when I get worked up and start swearing even though it isn't directed at her, no matter my age. It is a respecting herself thing, and I really respect her for it. I'm able to call her back and be a lot calmer. Totally agree with you, sometimes disengaging is absolutely necessary

Jerez. A lot of you really mollycoddle your children. At 16 my daughter travelling to 6th form school across London by herself while holding down a Saturday job in the Kings road. That’s why I was fine about her travelling at 19 to New Zealand by herself to stay with family. But still doing a tiki tour alone. Giving her small amounts of free as she’s got older has helped her mature. She’s now at uni 5 hrs away. The best thing you can do as a parent is to teach them to be independent.

Sadly, life's like that, and crappy things happen from time to time, or you end up in places you don't want to be. If she doesn't learn that, then she never will. You made the right decision not to go.

I'm a school governor, and this happens with alarming regularity, that parents are phoned in the middle of the night by lonely, depressed children on school trips, who have just had an argument with their "best friend", and, of course, it's the end of the world, and said parents have then driven 4-5 hours to pick their child up 2 days into a week long holiday (and, of course, demanded a full refund, and even got solicitors involved...)

@Aragog I've been thinking the same. DD insists had she been left to have a little cry, get it out of her system then brush herself off and carry on then she'd have been fine. But it seems they put immense pressure on her.

This is the thread of the year that keeps giving! 😂

A teenager throwing a wobbly and wanting to come home early has now become the whys and wherefores of building resilience to serve in the Bosnia and Iraq wars.

Fucking nuts!

A teenager throwing a wobbly and wanting to come home early has now become the whys and wherefores of building resilience to serve in the Bosnia and Iraq wars

And people posting snippets which completely ignore context just so they can post a snarky comment. True MN right there.

Imagine if the daughter had been found crying after being with a group of new 16 year old lads instead of girls. Would there be so much focus on sticking it out for 5 days? I doubt it.

What does that have to do with the price of fish? It's not what happened. What relevance does it have...?

Oh come off it @Yabbers, I understand that you’re invested in this thread - Lord knows I get wrapped up in some too on MN - but you must be able to see that a lot of these extreme drama posts are just daft now.

You say
DD insists had she been left to have a little cry, get it out of her system then brush herself off and carry on then she'd have been fine.

But previously said
She said she began to miss her old friends and got quite upset and could feel herself about to cry so she ran off back to the dorm as they were walking to the campfire. She told me she just wanted some alone time to calm down etc. Eventually a staff member turned up and put pressure on her

So was she actually left to cry as she wanted? Or did she sob on so long alone that someone had no choice but to eventually come and encouraged her to join the others? Either way her option was to brush herself off and carry on but she is now At home missing out on fun and a bonding experience with possible new friends.

but she is now At home missing out on fun and a bonding experience with possible new friends.

But it wasn't fun for her. Why isn't that ok? We don't all like the same things.

One person likes a spa day, another fell walking. Neither are wrong are they? Spa lady wouldn't think fell walking was fun. Fell walker wouldn't think spa day was fun. Neither would be correct in saying that the other was missing out on fun if they didn't partake in their favourite activity.

This girl didn't think it was fun and that's fine.

Poor kid! It’s a shame she didn’t get the time she needed. That, and the impact of allowing an established group of friends to stay in group, needs to be fed back to the camp management. Actually a little bit of complaining and pressing for a refund wouldn’t do any harm either because it does sound as if it was mismanaged. (Assuming it’s a for-profit kind of thing.) The staffing levels should allow for dealing with an injured/distressed/unwell kid with privacy and dignity.

Failing fast is never a problem, failing to try is a problem. Every different situation with have a different version of “try” might be once, might be a dozen times but the biggest failures are the ones who continue to bang their head against a wall just because “a person should never quit”

Wow - very profound. I like the 1st sentence a lot. In fact I like the lot.

Are these your own words / concepts? You are very articulate!

When I was 16 I was so resilient I was fighting in Bosnia and Iraq and the entire British Army ignored me.

On a serious note I concur, the organisation handled this badly and could do with some honest feedback.

Stick to your guns❤️.

@SnuggyBuggy
“How the hell did Bosnia and Iraq get in there?”

Because Camden loaf said of any MNer who thought the DD should be allowed to come home that they are incapable of doing the school run or navigating run of the mill office politics without having a nervous breakdown.

I merely replied you don’t know the MNers advocating for her to be able to come home. Armed Forces etc etc. I cut and paste Camden loaf insult as well.

So, funny people are dinging me calling out Camdenloaf and not Camden loaf for flinging out such inflammatory insults.

Here's something that will piss various posters off.

Does the OP's DD actually mean what she said about crying it out or is she just saying that to appease the OP.

I'd leave her there. She's not ill, she hasn't been bullied, she needs to learn to socialise better. She wanted to go she should stick with it. I wouldn't be going to get her.

OP you said if they had just left her alone to calm herself down she would be fine. God almighty you really think that your daughter is a princess.
She is 16 - she has to obey rules on these trips. Safeguarding and policies are in place for her safety. To protect her - not to go against her. I have taken teenagers away , and we have strict timing for activities and supervision of the teenagers for their own safety. What a little madam

Blimey I went to meet a friend and when I returned to this thread it had entered the Twilight Zone. It’s a shame DD wasn’t given the chance to calm herself down and then was too worried about being seen crying to stay on. It’s really not the end of the world though. In the scheme of things it doesn’t really matter. I ended up bringing DD home from 1 school residential and one camp. As an adult she’s one of the most resilient and Independent women you could hope to meet. She is now a teacher and is very sympathetic and helpful to any child who feels sad or upset on residential trips. I’d not i any way describe her as a quitter even though she didn’t cope well at one time or another in an unfamiliar setting.