To refuse to collect my upset DD(16) from the trip?

[nooboo2]

Just finished Y11. She left this morning for Wales on a 5 night trip. It's an organised trip for 15/16/17 years olds (think NCS but this one is specific to kids in my area). They are at an activity centre where they stay in cabins and do activites etc, and after the 5 nights they work on a project together.

We moved straight after GCSE's from 4 hours away, so she's left all of her friends behind. We decided to send her on this as with it being kids from the local area it's likely most will go to the college she's going to, we thought it would be good for her to forge friendships and have some familiar faces to see at college. DD also was keen to go for the same reasons and was quite upbeat this morning as I was driving her to the coach.

We didn't hear from her all day and I was happy with that, thinking she must be having fun and socialising, but then she called at 8pm. She was in tears because they all went to the same school (the staff said they come from all over the area and several different schools) and they were all at a party the night before and that's all they talk about and they aren't interested in her. She just wants to phone and videochat her friends but there's no service there (she called on the activity centre's phone) She begged for DH (I don't drive) to pick her up. I said no for several reasons:

1. She's going to have this issue at college anyway so better to get friendly with a few kids beforehand.

1. She was keen on going on the trip and promised to stick it out.

1. I spent a few hundred quid buying her new gear for the trip, trainers etc. Because she insisted she needed it.

1. The activity centre is 2 hours away on a motorway and DH has had a drink. Like fuck am I letting him drive there in the dark.

I told her to stick it out for the night and if she still feels upset then to call tomorrow. I tried to comfort her but she just demanded so I ended up hanging up. She then rang DH. DH wanted to go and get her because she's been in hysterics, he proceeded to drink loads of water preparing to go. I managed to talk him out of it and DD is blowing up both of our phones.

AIBU to make her stick it out, at least for tonight? The first day was always going to be hard but sitting at home and pining over her friends won't help her settle. And wanting DH to come for her...no fucking way.

@tierraJ
I’d like to find out too. I think that DD(16) is old enough to decide to stay or come home and OP should have more respect for that.

In regards to NCS it is only £50 as it is a government community service program. My eldest DD was slightly interested in it until she talked to friends who had gone on it. Most who went thought it was miserable and that it wasn’t the outdoor adventure trip they’d been told it would be.

Resilience is an essential part of being a decent human being. There are times in your life where you have to endure uncomfortable situations because your wants don't trump someone else's needs.

If you don't teach your children that, you are raising kids who will turn into entitled, selfish adults who will think their feelings and wants have to be the priority at all times.

Failing fast is never a problem, failing to try is a problem. Every different situation with have a different version of “try” might be once, might be a dozen times but the biggest failures are the ones who continue to bang their head against a wall just because “a person should never quit”

This is just so true. That's a great way of looking at it.

I agree with much of what decomposing says here. She's clearly very sensitive to others based upon her own experiences and through being a nurse. Given the split in opinions on this site, it is clear that we all bring our own experiences and view points to this. What works for some clearly wouldn't work for others. I think that building resilience is great, but it has to be done at the right time to gain the best results. You cannot dump too much pressure at once. Everyone has their own breaking points. Only the OP is best placed to try to understand whether this was just a wobble or not.

Learning when to quit is equally important as knowing when to persevere in my experience.

@Yabbers

Failing fast is never a problem, failing to try is a problem. Every different situation with have a different version of “try” might be once, might be a dozen times but the biggest failures are the ones who continue to bang their head against a wall just because “a person should never quit”

Kids are generally far, far more likely to not try something or want to give up straight away than they are to keep at something they aren't getting anything from, though, that's why we have to teach them about not giving up. Most will at some point give up at something, but without encouraging they would probably just sit at home on their phones all day and never go to school or work or take any exciting risks.

Hell, starting earlier than that, we'd have a load of kids who can't read or write, eat new foods or use the toilet, because they generally don't want to keep trying at those things, either.

...if you never want to do anything much in life maybe.

Did you intentionally snip the context out of my post just to be able to give an arsey response?

I have given up at first hurdles and done plenty with my life. If continually trying at something you hate knowing you will never get anything out of it is “doing something with your life” I’m happy to be missing out.

To be fair on the OP and DD when they decided to go they were assured that she would be with a mix of people not the 3rd (5th) wheel of a clique. She might have been OK with a mixed group and the situation might have been salvaged with some time alone to calm down.

“Resilience is an essential part of being a decent human being. There are times in your life where you have to endure uncomfortable situations because your wants don't trump someone else's needs. ”

Agreed. But this could equally apply to the OP letting go of her desire for NCS to be a successful friend making trip and accepting the uncomfortable situation that her NCS idea may not have been a good idea after all and that her DD does in fact need to be allowed to come home.

She's clearly very sensitive to others

Not that sensitive to the OP, who she's absolutely pasted on the basis of no evidence...

In my view I think this whole thread has been derailed by the focus on resilience.
Imagine if the daughter had been found crying after being with a group of new 16 year old lads instead of girls. Would there be so much focus on sticking it out for 5 days? I doubt it.
There would’ve been more questions, communication and I doubt that phone call would’ve ended in a hang up no matter what language was used.
Nobody really knows what happened to make her so upset so quickly. Hopefully the OP or DH and daughter have had another chance to talk today and find out what caused her to blow up.

@AE18 Your experience with kids is different to mine. Mine is certainly more willing to try harder if she knows she won’t be forced to continue if she doesn’t enjoy something and be labelled a quitter if she does.

Most will at some point give up at something, but without encouraging they would probably just sit at home on their phones all day and never go to school or work or take any exciting risks.

You present this as if it is an inevitable either or. There’s a third option of encouraging them to try lots of options to find the one they love. Why force a kid in to 6 months of football when instead they could be trying running and rugby and netball and karate in that time to find the one they like and stick at for much longer?

Learning when to quit is equally important as knowing when to persevere in my experience.

It really is, @CorBlimeyGovenor. And they’ll never get that skill with a simplistic “don’t quit” message.

Anyone curious about the NCS program the DD is on can read the reviews by parents on Facebook....rating 3.8 stars out of 5

And reviews by the actual people who went (the kids) on student room.uk no star rating there but majority of comments are not positive.

She’s 16...I’m sure she’ll live. I’d make her stay the whole time and learn a bit of grit.

This whole thread has gone fucking mental.
Honest to fucking dog!

Angelasashes she said in the first line of the OP it wasn't NCS.

This thread is just amazing! Almost classics material just for how batshit crazy it has gone haha. Icing on the cake goes to DecomposingComposers for hijacking the thread to work through her own largely irrelevant personal childhood trauma and then refusing to drop it, culminating in her drawing parallels between OP’s DD being left for a night at this camp to adults at university killing them selves. Can barely believe it’s not tongue in cheek.

No idea what happened in the end but agree with the sensible posters pointing out that at sixteen OP’s DD really ought to be able to build some resilience and have coping skills to manage a night away with people she doesn’t know, not shout and swear at her mother on the phone (who’s spent plenty of money and effort enabling her to attend) because she won’t force her father to drink drive.

Baffled at the ‘OMG poor girl go get her’ about a sixteen year old! And chastising the OP for daring to move house away from DD’s existing friends (yet somehow also in the wrong for facilitating an opportunity for her to make new friends...).

MN at its most batshit. Just brilliant. I feel very much for the teenagers of the more cotton wool style posters. I wouldn’t be where I am in life if I’d been told it’s fine to quit at the first hurdle.

“Angelasashes she said in the first line of the OP it wasn't NCS.”

Nope. Her words were “think NCS but this one is specific to kids in our area”

NCS is structured to have camps specific to your area. I took “this one” to mean “this NCS camp”
There is not one camp in the U.K. called “NCS” it’s a bunch of different camps that participate in a U.K.-wide program.

Also what’s all this ‘grown adults would HATE this so why should OP’s DD have to suck it up!?’ about? Really? You’ve never gone on a hen do and ended up sharing with a bunch of women you don’t know who are already friends? Never been on a work conference and not known anyone and had to make connections and find someone to go for dinner with? Never?

You can see where some of the parenting approaches advised on this thread end up when there are adults who can’t fathom that other adults could easily walk into the above and make it work. I guess if you’re lacking in confidence and shy you might find it hard to believe other people really could do fine in these types of situations but it’s odd to assume everyone would struggle as much as you

My 16 year old has just finished his 2nd week of ncs and is loving it

He didn’t know anyone but hasn’t yet come across any teens who have told him to fuck off as a pp said happens when you talk to groups of teens who know each other 🙄

I probably shouldn’t let him go on residential though as I can’t drive so he’d be stuck if he didn’t like them 🤷‍♀️

@Yabbers it's not really about saying "don't quit", it's about saying "don't quit after a few hours."

And there's a difference between one off trials for a club they haven't signed up for yet and constantly bailing out things you have signed up for. I don't think the latter is a very positive thing to teach.

You’ve never gone on a hen do and ended up sharing with a bunch of women you don’t know who are already friends?

I have and made the decision to come home by train and not stay over, as I knew I wouldn't enjoy it for the whole time. I knew Id be fine for a while during the afternoon and early evening, but it wasn't my idea of fun to sleep over and sharing rooms with people I didn't know - so made the decision not to put myself through it.

Never been on a work conference and not known anyone and had to make connections and find someone to go for dinner with?

Fortunately not, no. I find it bad enough having to go to a day time training course nit knowing anyone, without having to stay over night.

I don't think the latter is a very positive thing to teach.

I don’t think the “stick at it no matter what” model is positive in any way.

MN at its most batshit

What’s “batshit” is that you feel it necessary to belittle anyone who has a differing view to yours.

I have and made the decision to come home by train and not stay over, as I knew I wouldn't enjoy it for the whole time.

I rescued my adult sister from a similar situation. I doubt anyone would suggest I left her there for three days to build resilience. How dare I wrap her in cotton wool. I should add she is one of the most resilient people I know.