To refuse to collect my upset DD(16) from the trip?

[nooboo2]

Just finished Y11. She left this morning for Wales on a 5 night trip. It's an organised trip for 15/16/17 years olds (think NCS but this one is specific to kids in my area). They are at an activity centre where they stay in cabins and do activites etc, and after the 5 nights they work on a project together.

We moved straight after GCSE's from 4 hours away, so she's left all of her friends behind. We decided to send her on this as with it being kids from the local area it's likely most will go to the college she's going to, we thought it would be good for her to forge friendships and have some familiar faces to see at college. DD also was keen to go for the same reasons and was quite upbeat this morning as I was driving her to the coach.

We didn't hear from her all day and I was happy with that, thinking she must be having fun and socialising, but then she called at 8pm. She was in tears because they all went to the same school (the staff said they come from all over the area and several different schools) and they were all at a party the night before and that's all they talk about and they aren't interested in her. She just wants to phone and videochat her friends but there's no service there (she called on the activity centre's phone) She begged for DH (I don't drive) to pick her up. I said no for several reasons:

1. She's going to have this issue at college anyway so better to get friendly with a few kids beforehand.

1. She was keen on going on the trip and promised to stick it out.

1. I spent a few hundred quid buying her new gear for the trip, trainers etc. Because she insisted she needed it.

1. The activity centre is 2 hours away on a motorway and DH has had a drink. Like fuck am I letting him drive there in the dark.

I told her to stick it out for the night and if she still feels upset then to call tomorrow. I tried to comfort her but she just demanded so I ended up hanging up. She then rang DH. DH wanted to go and get her because she's been in hysterics, he proceeded to drink loads of water preparing to go. I managed to talk him out of it and DD is blowing up both of our phones.

AIBU to make her stick it out, at least for tonight? The first day was always going to be hard but sitting at home and pining over her friends won't help her settle. And wanting DH to come for her...no fucking way.

She can stay for at least one night, 16 is a reasonably grown up age and she needs to learn to accept responsibility for herself.

“Never been on a work conference and not known anyone and had to make connections and find someone to go for dinner with? ”

Hardly relevant. You were being paid to go to the conference as part of a job. Whether or not you as a teen went to a camp would have had zero impact on your ability to cope with a work conference.

Well, this thread is definitely illuminating as regards the significant percentage of Mners who are apparently incapable of doing something as ordinary as dropping off and picking up their children from school without having nervous breakdowns about playground cliques and unfriendliness or coping with run of the mill workplace politics.

“Baffled at the ‘OMG poor girl go get her’ about a sixteen year old! And chastising the OP for daring to move house away from DD’s existing friends (yet somehow also in the wrong for facilitating an opportunity for her to make new friends...).

MN at its most batshit. Just brilliant. I feel very much for the teenagers of the more cotton wool style posters. I wouldn’t be where I am in life if I’d been told it’s fine to quit at the first hurdle.”

No one has chastised the OP for moving. The most anyone has said is that it is an added stress in the DDs life that will be affecting her ability to cope with the intensity of an overnight camp. Nor has anyone said she was wrong to arrange the camp in the first place. All we have been saying is why is the OP not listening to and trusting her DDs judgement that the camp is not the opportunity they thought it was and shed be better off home.

It’s not a cotton wool approach to parenting. It is an approach where we actually treat our kids as autonomous adults and respect their decisions. If my DH had gone to a festival and the first night said not my cup of tea, come and get me. I would not be like oh you’re not giving it a chance! You really should stay it can’t be that bad....
The cotton wool approach is to not listen, say you know best, and force them to your bidding because it teaches resilience or builds character or some other moral sound justification.

Hi all, well I'm honestly amazed at how how this has blown up so I thought it necessary to give an update.

DD was taken up to the office after breakfast to phone us. I apologised to her for hanging up last night and asked how she was and what actually went on last night. It seems that what I guessed had happened was correct. She said the group ignored her at first but then one began talking to her and encouraged her friends to do the same and they ended up getting on quite well. But then at teatime this group of girls ended up sitting on a table with a large group of people they knew from school who were discussing a party and DD couldn't get a word in edgeways. She said she began to miss her old friends and got quite upset and could feel herself about to cry so she ran off back to the dorm as they were walking to the campfire. She told me she just wanted some alone time to calm down etc. Eventually a staff member turned up and put pressure on her to go to the campfire before she was ready. DD refused because she was still upset and they insisted which stressed DD out in case people saw her crying. Eventually they gave her the option to go to the campfire or phone us and refused to leave her in the room. DD said that the reason she asked to come home afterwards was because she was embarrased that she had cried in front of staff members and that loads of other kids saw her as she was walking up to reception with the staff.

The entire experience has been ruined for her now and she still wanted to come home. DH had her home for 2. She told her group something had happened at home which is why she was leaving, and has come home with their Snapchats. She insists she would have been fine if she was just left to calm herself down. She understands about safegaurding rules but she doesn't get why her requests weren't respected.

If an adult went away on a trip like this and once there realised that it was a mistake and wasn't what they thought it would be would anyone here advocate the camp/hotel whatever locking them in for the week to teach them resilience? Only, if it isn't ok to make an adult stay against their will why is it ok to do it to a child?

@CamdenLoaf
“Well, this thread is definitely illuminating as regards the significant percentage of Mners who are apparently incapable of doing something as ordinary as dropping off and picking up their children from school without having nervous breakdowns about playground cliques and unfriendliness or coping with run of the mill workplace politics.”

Quite a sneer there about people you know nothing about. I’m former forces and can’t say I’ve ever had a nervous breakdown regarding a school run or office politics. My CO never thought me “incapable” during the Bosnia, the Iraq war or the war in Afghanistan...in fact I received medals and commendations.

@nooboo2 Thanks for the update. Hope your daughter settles into college well.

Thanks for updating. It’s a shame they couldn’t let her calm down in her own time, but I bet the leaders are students themselves like NCS and not really trained properly.

OP- thank you for the update and I am glad you and DH respected your DDs wishes and brought her home. There will be other opportunities for her to make friends and settle in. My kids have been moved every 2-3yrs and its a process that happens organically.

I'm glad she is home. Poor thing, it sounds a right shambles and the staff sound useless.

My CO never thought me “incapable” during the Bosnia, the Iraq war or the war in Afghanistan...in fact I received medals and commendations

Ffs get a grip. Wtf does that even have to do with this thread?

Only, if it isn't ok to make an adult stay against their will why is it ok to do it to a child

Because in the real world, there’s a differences between adults and children maybe. Parents do have a right to ask their children to stick something out. Especially something that’s been paid for.

Honestly, this thread has just gone off the charts crazy

I noticed OP that you mentioned driving her to the coach and later said that you don't drive?

Because in the real world, there’s a differences between adults and children maybe. Parents do have a right to ask their children to stick something out. Especially something that’s been paid for.

Can you explain why? Especially for a 16 year old, who many posters have said is nearly an adult. So had she been 18 would it not have been ok to make her stay?

And why does the money come into it? If your husband paid for you to go on a trip and you didn't like it would it be ok for him to force you to stay there rather than him waste his money?

Decomposing,

A high percentage of adults book holidays with cheap, non changeable flights and are, effectively, ‘forced’ to stay once there.

Loads of threads about bad holidays and stuck adults on here....

I noticed OP that you mentioned driving her to the coach and later said that you don't drive?

Maybe RTFT?

I noticed OP that you mentioned driving her to the coach and later said that you don't drive?

And yet you didn't notice that she clarified that her DH had done the actual driving.

larrygrylls

And if they really wanted to come home they could pay for a new flight but for arguments sake, restrict it to holidays in the UK. Would it be right to force an adult to stay somewhere against their will to build resilience?

I'm really sorry to hear your daughter is not enjoying the trip so far. Fortunately, neither of you are in a position to pick her up so she is stuck there and the decision is out of your hands at least until tomorrow.
Tomorrow is another day.

Of course! What was I thinking at all...

That sounds like it was ops decision and the dd agreed to it. Not that dd asked to go.

No it doesn't. It sounds like they discussed it and the DD thought it would be good for the same reasons her parents did. Ie she chose to go. No one said she asked to go.

This thread is insane.

Glad to know your daughter’s doing ok, OP, and thanks for the update.

Now @DecomposingComposers can carry on working through her childhood trauma for another 20 pages.

The fact that they had hidden the distress and tried to push through seems to indicate that they at least thought that was what was expected of them.

But no, I don't know for sure. I would just never want my child to feel that alone that they couldn't ask me to bring them home and be sure that it would be ok.

You might want to take a long hard look at yourself because your comments seem to insinuate that it is the parents fault and that is utterly despicable, even if it's unintentional. Imagine reading that.

All based on the fact that you went away on "1 trip" many years ago.

I'm out.

This is a totally batshit thread. Feel like I'm on the Dr Phil show or something. How the hell did Bosnia and Iraq get in there?

You've completely hijacked this and basically said that anyone that encourages their children to stick at something are bad parents.

You need to work through your own issues somewhere else rather thanprojecting them onto everyone else.