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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has taken this too far?

255 replies

sallycinnamonn · 31/07/2019 10:33

DH is really money conscious which is absolutely fine except I really feel as though he's started to take it too far and it's becoming so irritating for me.

He literally flys off the handle if I accidentally leave a switch on when nothings plugged into it, he's constantly monitoring and watching me and others when we use electric to ensure we turn plugs off straight away once finished and if we don't will go on a full blown rant about how we need to save money. If we boil the kettle then forget about it so it goes cold and need to boil it again, it will trigger him so badly.. He also will absolutely not allow the tv to just be on in the background. If I'm watching tv and then look at my phone for even a second he's instantly "TURN THE TV OFF IF YOU'RE NOT WATCHING IT". I am watching it but I literally took my attention away from it for one second, I feel like I'm being watched like a hawk! But he will also literally make us sit in silence without the tv on if I look at my phone for too long for his liking.. I don't know I just find this really weird! Especially since we're not even in a bad place financially and he seems so possessive over it.

This is where the AIBU part comes in.. he even gets mad at me for buying "unnecessary things" while shopping. I don't see them as unnecessary tbh. For example, meals for myself during the day (stay at home mum) or I spent £1 on some chocolates the other day while shopping and he got so mad about me buying them because we "didn't need them, a waste of money". He only wants me to buy meals for us which I really don't get because we can afford to buy other things, especially when they're only £1..

But anyway, he is like this 24/7 yet will spend £400+ a month on Uber's to work.. now that we absolutely CANT afford. Neither of us drive but he refused to buy a bus pass because they're "too expensive and he would rather walk". They are £600 a year compared to his 400+ a month on Uber's. AIBU to be so frustrated and find his behaviour difficult to live with?

OP posts:
MojoMoon · 31/07/2019 10:36

He sounds controlling
I know that is a Mumsnet cliche

But it really sounds like he doesn't respect you at all. He cannot communicate with you on the topic of money like two adults in a respectful and loving relationship should

Was he always like this or has it just been since you stopped working?
Does he view it as "his" money?

HypatiaCade · 31/07/2019 10:37

What a total Pratt! Next time he moans just say 'Yeah, you keep wasting money on Uber's, you don't get to complain about ANYTHING'

GabriellaMontez · 31/07/2019 10:38

Do you have children?

Zippyx · 31/07/2019 10:38

YANBU.

Have a rant at him for spending £4,800 per year on Uber rather than £600 per year on a bus. What a hypocritical prick.

Madmilkmaid · 31/07/2019 10:39

Sounds like he's just using it as an excuse to be able to control you. Sounds awful. He does know that if a socket is on with nothing plugged in then I'd doesn't use electric?
I would be out of there rather than putting up with that sort of control. Or start saving up all you loose change and putting 2p in a jar everytime you need to reboil the kettle!

Howlovely · 31/07/2019 10:41

He is really controlling to the point of obsessive. Does he honestly think that leaving an empty plug switched on costs that much? What does he say when you mention his uber habit? Surely he can't justify spending that amount of money on taxis and complain that his wife wants to eat? How odd. I think I'd have to tell him to back off or bugger off.

Original poster
sallycinnamonn · 31/07/2019 10:41

@GabriellaMontez yes, one DC

OP posts:
PhillyLift · 31/07/2019 10:42

Bloody hell. How does he react when you mention what he wastes on the Ubers?

PeoniesarePink · 31/07/2019 10:42

This isn't about money, it's about control.

That's no way to live, is it.

BlueJava · 31/07/2019 10:42

Wow. That is in no way normal behaviour - he sounds control freakish over some electricity but spends money on Ubers. To me this seems to be about controlling you - not actually about the money. I'd re-consider your relationship with him, it cannot be in anyway a joy if he's controlling you like that and stopping you from buying food, a bit of choc etc. Ensuring you are "actively using" the device as in phone or TV or whatever is him controlling you - not really about the money.

fernandoanddenise · 31/07/2019 10:43

He spends £400 a month on Uber!??? That’s nuts. Call him out on it.

user1493413286 · 31/07/2019 10:43

He doesn’t want you to buy food for yourself when he’s not there? His behaviour sounds unmanageable and controlling to be honest; if my DH turned the tv off because I was looking at my phone I’d be getting up and turning it back on. You aren’t a child, he can’t tell you what to do.

Kerberos · 31/07/2019 10:43

This doesn't sound like a nice life to live. Has he always been this way?

hereforasillygoosetime · 31/07/2019 10:44

OP what a miserable existence. I couldn't put up with that. LTB Grin

Brefugee · 31/07/2019 10:44

Basically, he's a knob. He's saving literally pennies on the electric - but wasting hundreds on Ubers?

Can you make a monthly spreadsheet and show him?

joystir59 · 31/07/2019 10:45

Why are you in a parent child relationship with him? Are you financially dependent on him?

Bluntness100 · 31/07/2019 10:45

this is likely to do with you being a stay at home mum and him feeling it's his money.

Butters83 · 31/07/2019 10:46

Wow....this isnt about money at all. Its about power and control.

dellacucina · 31/07/2019 10:47

Yes, he has taken it too far. This is not ok.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 31/07/2019 10:48

No. This goes far far far deeper than being money conscious. That's controlling behaviour. There's no dressing this it's up. It's abuse. I'd be seriously rethinking my relationship.
Most of us in the this day and age and to some extent are money conscious but. He's on another level. I can't stand or indeed understand tight fistedness. It's not like you can take it with you, is it.

Juells · 31/07/2019 10:50

I'd be going home to my Mum. I know that sounds like a cliche, but it's what I did when things got too bad. Then file for divorce. My mistake was going back after a month or so on promises of how everything would change, it didn't.

bwydda · 31/07/2019 10:52

He's not at all money concious though is he? He's happy spending money you haven't got. He's only conscious of your spending/ wasting (in his pathetic opinion) . I'm sorry to say it but I hope you aren't financially dependent on him, because really you should consider ltb

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 31/07/2019 10:52

He's not money concious when he's waltzing around in Uber Taxis though is he.

femidom12 · 31/07/2019 10:54

Blimey you are married to a complete wanker.

DingDongDenny · 31/07/2019 10:54

So he denies you food during the day, small luxuries like a some cheap chocolate and having the TV on when you want

If you love someone you don't treat them like that. You care about their wellbeing and happiness

What sort of life is it with a controlling joyless prick like him