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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has taken this too far?

255 replies

sallycinnamonn · 31/07/2019 10:33

DH is really money conscious which is absolutely fine except I really feel as though he's started to take it too far and it's becoming so irritating for me.

He literally flys off the handle if I accidentally leave a switch on when nothings plugged into it, he's constantly monitoring and watching me and others when we use electric to ensure we turn plugs off straight away once finished and if we don't will go on a full blown rant about how we need to save money. If we boil the kettle then forget about it so it goes cold and need to boil it again, it will trigger him so badly.. He also will absolutely not allow the tv to just be on in the background. If I'm watching tv and then look at my phone for even a second he's instantly "TURN THE TV OFF IF YOU'RE NOT WATCHING IT". I am watching it but I literally took my attention away from it for one second, I feel like I'm being watched like a hawk! But he will also literally make us sit in silence without the tv on if I look at my phone for too long for his liking.. I don't know I just find this really weird! Especially since we're not even in a bad place financially and he seems so possessive over it.

This is where the AIBU part comes in.. he even gets mad at me for buying "unnecessary things" while shopping. I don't see them as unnecessary tbh. For example, meals for myself during the day (stay at home mum) or I spent £1 on some chocolates the other day while shopping and he got so mad about me buying them because we "didn't need them, a waste of money". He only wants me to buy meals for us which I really don't get because we can afford to buy other things, especially when they're only £1..

But anyway, he is like this 24/7 yet will spend £400+ a month on Uber's to work.. now that we absolutely CANT afford. Neither of us drive but he refused to buy a bus pass because they're "too expensive and he would rather walk". They are £600 a year compared to his 400+ a month on Uber's. AIBU to be so frustrated and find his behaviour difficult to live with?

OP posts:
Jellybeansincognito · 31/07/2019 11:34

Jesus op, you must be hating every minute he’s at home.
I would have to tell him to shut up, until you stop using Uber unnecessarily you don’t have the right to tell me how I use MY money, thanks.

Whosorrynow · 31/07/2019 11:35

What he means is 'you're not worth it'

kateandme · 31/07/2019 11:39

but why are you allowing him to turn it off.say no!this is your partnership so your home.you can have the chocs you want you can keep the tv on in the background in YOUR home you can leave the lug in YOUR home.it isnt his to control and neither are you.
and then if that doesnt stop it give him the option.you will start being more careful with your way of life and cost when he does with his uber and gets the bus.

KeepFuckingOff · 31/07/2019 11:42

He’s abusing and controlling you. If you’re not happy to be controlled, have orders barked at you like a child then end the marriage.

mrssoap · 31/07/2019 11:43

Sounds awful. I couldn't live like that personally. I'm all for saving money and not wanting to waste it but that sounds anal. No advice just wanted to say I don't think ur being unreasonable

StillMedusa · 31/07/2019 11:43

Leave.
This is financial abuse and it won't improve and it is NOT normal .
Do you have access to money or does he control the household budget? Is the house in his name, rented or yours? I'd be getting paperwork together (and proof of his earnings) and finding a solicitor as this is NO way to live.

Crinkle77 · 31/07/2019 11:44

My in laws drive me mad switching everything off at the plug. (We are currently living there so know i should be grateful). So you go to make a cuppa, flick the kettle on and walk away and then come back a few minutes later to find it's not boiled. The most annoying is the washing machine. You have to get right to the back of one of the kitchen cupboards to switch it on and it's really awkward. I can understand switching everything off at night but not during the day when people are using the appliances. Not sure what to advise about your husband but his behaviour is extreme. i wonder if he has some sort of OCD.

Breastfeedingworries · 31/07/2019 11:47

I think you know the answer is to leave his controlling ass!

Buy what treats you like and enjoy life while you still can. Life is short, friend of mine died at 28. :( don’t regret yours years.

CatteStreet · 31/07/2019 11:47

I agree with Whosorrynow, I'm afraid.

With this ridiculously obvious imbalance - berating you for pennies and chucking out hundreds on Ubers - he's effectively daring you to try and put a stop to it so he can slap you down/put you in your place. He's saying 'I get to do this, but you don't get to do a tiny fraction of it'. Yuck.

vintanner · 31/07/2019 11:48

Wow, there is money conscious and extreme money conscious.

Is he scared of buses?

I'd challenge him to walk to work or tell him to cycle.

Owlypants · 31/07/2019 11:55

Leave or make him leave. That's emotional abuse, withholding money or dictating how you spend it is also listed as emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is a crime and is now taken just as seriously as domestic violence. If you feel like you can't get yourself out of this situation please do reach out to women's aid or even the police, they can get you and dc out this situation or remove him from your home. That is absolutely no way to live , you are worth so much more! I wasted so much of my life in an abusive relationship. It's very hard to admit that you're in an abusive relationship and harder to find the strength to leave but i promise you, life gets so much better when you do.

cuppycakey · 31/07/2019 11:55

This sounds awful OP. It's no way to live and what is it going to teach your DC?

You say you confront him - what does he say?

What would happen if you said I am going to have the tv on and flick through my phone anyway?

Are you scared of him?

How/why does he have to know what you spend day to day?

This sounds abusive to me Flowers

Whosorrynow · 31/07/2019 11:56

flying off the handle about minor things means that you're constantly on edge and it's hard for you to think rationally and see his ridiculous hypocrisy for what it is
he's totally having a laugh at you, he's trained you to accept being treated as someone who is is very very inferior to him

INeedAFlerken · 31/07/2019 11:59

So, essentially he's too good to ride the bus and requires private uber rides, but you can't have £1 treats.

Seriously. Get rid. Imagine being the child in this household growing up with this selfish controlling arse of a father.

sheshootssheimplores · 31/07/2019 12:00

You’re not sure what to do about it? We all know!!!!! Leave him.

DadDadDad · 31/07/2019 12:01

A typical tariff for electricity is going to be somewhere around 20p per kWh. That means a 2.5kW kettle uses less than a penny a minute.

Unless the TV is really old (or big), web suggests it's using less than 200W, so in an hour it's going to cost less than 4p, ie you have to keep the TV on for 15 minutes to clock 1p of use.

livinglavidavillanelle · 31/07/2019 12:01

Urgh. This is classic financial abuse. Don't you feel like you're constantly walking on eggshells wondering what he's going to go off about next? That must be a horrible way to live. He's an arsehole. Get rid.

NaviSprite · 31/07/2019 12:02

Just another one for saying this is controlling and horribly bullying behaviour.

I had an Ex that did this with me, he’d moan over anything I bought exclusively for myself, once had a massive go at me for buying Tampax when there were cheaper store brands available! I was earning my own wage and he still felt he could tell me what to do with it and it made me feel like I was constantly on edge when I just fancied a treat (like a bit of chocolate or a trip to the cinema). I left him as this was the tip of the iceberg with his abuse.

I don’t often say LTB. But if your “D”H can’t understand that he’s being awful and doesn’t seek help (if it is related to any kind of MH issues) then, from my experience, it will only get worse.

StaplesCorner · 31/07/2019 12:03

What do you want to do OP? You must have realised we would say LTB etc., what's the background to all this, how long have you been married, who owns house, how old DCs etc? Did you say your parents aren't around?

What do you want to do next? Do you want to consider saving the relationship? Was he ever a good guy or is this just an escalation of dick behaviour he's always had?

Seaweed42 · 31/07/2019 12:05

Create some Permission Slips. The next time he does it hand him a Permission Slip requesting to Boil the Kettle in My Own House for 3 mins. Or Permission to Watch TV in My Own House request.
Or ask him is this a Big Huff, a Medium Huff or a Little Huff because you have things you need to get on with and would like a timeline on when he thinks he'll be finished huffing.

Sparky888 · 31/07/2019 12:05

That sounds absolutely intolerable, being controlled even when you so much as avert your eyes (to your phone). That would make me miserable. It sounds like you have no decision making power?
If he won’t change or go to therapy and see the damage he is doing, what choice do you have?

It’s not ‘money conscious’, because he spends on what he does think is valuable. He also thinks he gets to decide what has value and what doesn’t, down to the tiniest thing.

This does not excuse it, because he should listen to you, but is he anxious and angry? He sounds very wound up and strict.

MoodLighting · 31/07/2019 12:10

Wow, tht is extremely controlling. I couldn't tolerate living like that - especially when he shows such rank hypocrisy. Is there anything good about this relationship? I think you should consider leaving.

Jux · 31/07/2019 12:13

Stop spending your money on essentials. You're subsidising him.

Tell him you're going to fritter away £400 a month in any way you please like he does.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 31/07/2019 12:14

Send him over. Sometimes I have the telly on,on my phone AND tablet and a lot if the time they're plugged in too. Make his head spin!!

This is way past controlling, he's policing what you spend, how you behave,what you do. Can you see yourself living like this for 20 more years?

He either stops or you're done,odds are he'll get worse not better.

changedtempforprivacy · 31/07/2019 12:25

OP - has it been agreed between the two of you that you are a stay at home mother? Are you losing a lot of money by staying at home rather than going to work?

I had a situation with my ex husband who refused to work or even claim benefits (before children) and thought I should pay for everything as I had a good income. I resented every penny of my money he spent - which is why he is my ex husband .
I'm sure he could have claimed I was financially controlling but he was a freeloader in my view and I was not happy to support an able bodied adult sitting at home not contributing anything - not even housework or diy.