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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has taken this too far?

255 replies

sallycinnamonn · 31/07/2019 10:33

DH is really money conscious which is absolutely fine except I really feel as though he's started to take it too far and it's becoming so irritating for me.

He literally flys off the handle if I accidentally leave a switch on when nothings plugged into it, he's constantly monitoring and watching me and others when we use electric to ensure we turn plugs off straight away once finished and if we don't will go on a full blown rant about how we need to save money. If we boil the kettle then forget about it so it goes cold and need to boil it again, it will trigger him so badly.. He also will absolutely not allow the tv to just be on in the background. If I'm watching tv and then look at my phone for even a second he's instantly "TURN THE TV OFF IF YOU'RE NOT WATCHING IT". I am watching it but I literally took my attention away from it for one second, I feel like I'm being watched like a hawk! But he will also literally make us sit in silence without the tv on if I look at my phone for too long for his liking.. I don't know I just find this really weird! Especially since we're not even in a bad place financially and he seems so possessive over it.

This is where the AIBU part comes in.. he even gets mad at me for buying "unnecessary things" while shopping. I don't see them as unnecessary tbh. For example, meals for myself during the day (stay at home mum) or I spent £1 on some chocolates the other day while shopping and he got so mad about me buying them because we "didn't need them, a waste of money". He only wants me to buy meals for us which I really don't get because we can afford to buy other things, especially when they're only £1..

But anyway, he is like this 24/7 yet will spend £400+ a month on Uber's to work.. now that we absolutely CANT afford. Neither of us drive but he refused to buy a bus pass because they're "too expensive and he would rather walk". They are £600 a year compared to his 400+ a month on Uber's. AIBU to be so frustrated and find his behaviour difficult to live with?

OP posts:
WorriedSENMum · 31/07/2019 13:00

LTB. He is very controlling. This is abuse. You & your DC will be better off without him.

TheCatThatDanced · 31/07/2019 13:02

Ponoka7 - some men simply become abusive even not on the birth of a child, they just let the abusive side out (that they've kept hidden) when they feel comfortable in that relationship and think the man/woman will put up with that shit... Hmm I have had a man tell/warn me before of 'red flag' behaviour - which of course because he was lovely otherwise and more of a platonic male friend I ignored...

Aragog · 31/07/2019 13:04

RaggeddeeAnn

Seriously - you're blaming the OP for her DH's control over her?!

Thousands of people rely on buses and trains for work all over the country, yet few are being sacked because of it!! Even if the price was double - its still nowhere near £400 a month on taxis is it? Apparently by a frugal person Hmm Think he is just wanting to control the OP's use of family money not his own! The OP is bringing up their child - by sounds of it a baby too.

Oliversmumsarmy · 31/07/2019 13:08

RaggeddeeAnn you expect all sahms to eat scraps and leftovers when they are on their own during the day!!

I grew up with a controlling and miserly parent. She wrote down everything she spent on us. Worked out the cost of a meal and intent in the book, every nappy. Would lose it big time if I forgot to switch a light off etc

I am nc

My house looks like Blackpool Illuminations. My power bill is more than my mortgage and I don't care.

If it was just you living with him I would save run away it will online worse

If you have a child, sprint. Run as fast as you can.

Do not bring up a child in this environment.

Atm I can understand money might be tight but find a way even if you have to go into sheltered accommodation

If you start working then I believe you will still not have anything as he will assume your money is his

Go now whilst you don't have an income. You are being financially controlled and abused and it will
only get worse

Yabbers · 31/07/2019 13:09

Don’t say this often but you need to leave.

This will only get worse.

Don’t tell yourself it’s you, if you only do XYZ it will be ok. Don’t tell yourself he can change.

You and your child deserve better. Leave now.

BMW6 · 31/07/2019 13:09

OP you have to tackle this (he either stops the abuse or leaves) before you bring your child into this awful situation.

This is really not the behaviour of a rational reasonable person.

candycane222 · 31/07/2019 13:14

How come he is "not allowing" and "not letting" you do things? He is not the boss of you!He can by all means ask politely, and explain his concerns. But he doesn't get to "permit" or "forbid" stuff. That starts decreasing even for children, once they are seven or eight - you are an adult with equal rights and equal say to him!

Have you forgotten that? Has he?

Fairylea · 31/07/2019 13:14

So much wrong here.

All income should be family income. You should both have the same amount of spending money.

His behaviour about the electrical stuff sounds absolutely insane.

Does he have some hidden debt somewhere he’s worried about?

M0RVEN · 31/07/2019 13:16

He’s abusive. You’ve tried to change him and it makes no difference .

Please think about leaving, for your own sake and your child’s.

Willow2017 · 31/07/2019 13:18

A powered on socket not in use with no plug is also dangerous with a child in the house.

Why?
You know all that "they can stick their fingers in and electrocute themselves" is bollocks dont you?

TanyaChix · 31/07/2019 13:19

I couldn’t live like this, I really couldn’t. He’s trying to control where your eyes look when the tv is on?! It might be worth looking at the meter one evening and recording the number on it before telling him you’ll use the electric as you see fit for an evening. Then confront him with facts - eg you spent an extra 8 pence according to the new meter reading, so it’s clearly ridiculous for him to expend his energy on micromanaging everyone for such trivial amounts.

Personally, I couldn’t handle being controlled like this and definitely not when he’s indulgent enough to put his comfort first and get cabs. He’s selfish.

PositiveVibez · 31/07/2019 13:22

Your living situation is never going to get better.

It is only going to get worse.

Imagine how bad it is now - well increase your feelings tenfold.

This man is a twat and he will make you and your child miserable.

user1493413286 · 31/07/2019 13:22

RaggeddeeAnn bus passes are ridiculous in your area; in mine (expensive southern town) they would cost £600 a year but even based on your calculations the Uber is still a lot more.
If he’s allowed that luxury why can’t the OP buy ready meals although I’m not sure if that’s what she was referencing.
I think you can find these things frustrating but to turn it off and make you sit in silence is moving over to controlling.

Alsohuman · 31/07/2019 13:37

It’s not often I say this because I think some of the reasons people give to LTB are absurd - but why aren’t you packing? Get out and get your life back.

Aragog · 31/07/2019 13:38

A powered on socket not in use with no plug is also dangerous with a child in the house.

Depends where int he world you are but in the Uk this is unlikely. We have some of the safest plug sockets around. The holes are too small for even a baby's fingers to reach the live elements of the plug. And there are other safety features in a UK plug to help prevent this danger.

justasking111 · 31/07/2019 13:46

He is ill, you just have to decide if you can live with this and if it is fair on your child.

verticality · 31/07/2019 13:46

This is unfair and extremely hypocritical. He's denying you tiny treats like chocolates yet taking Ubers to work? Utterly selfish and self-absorbed.

Being energy efficient is very laudable - but it should be something the family does together as a team, and not something that is used to grind people down like this.

Hidingtonothing · 31/07/2019 13:47

What do you want to do OP? Leave him? Persuade him to change? You know the latter almost never works don't you, and trying may well cause him to escalate. He is already abusing you by the level of control he's exerting over you, what do you think might happen if you start challenging that control?

I would be quietly planning and preparing to leave if I were you, do you have family you could go to short term?

LivingDeadGirlUK · 31/07/2019 13:55

It sounds like an awful way to live, how old is your child? How does he react if they need anything or want to go out somewhere?

Some people do get obsessive with money, I would say he might not realise he is being abusive but you say you have addressed it with him before so that makes me think its probably a lost cause.

I'd be planning my way out if I was you.

SandraOhshair · 31/07/2019 13:56

I imagine if you think about it OP, your DP probably is doing other 'weird' things too, that may add up to the fact theres nothing 'D' about him at all.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 31/07/2019 14:00

He's abusive. Leave him.

SaraNade · 31/07/2019 14:00

Seriously, sit him down one day when you both have time and tell him that things need to change and you will not live like this any longer. That he is controlling and manipulative and his controlling of you and money is both abusive and hypocritical. Say he has to stop and you want to seek counselling as a marital couple and for help for his financial controlling problems. Tell him he either agrees, or your marriage is in serious trouble/over.

womenspeakout · 31/07/2019 14:01

This isn't about money, it's about control, especially if you're buying your own chocolate for £1 and he still has a problem.

Why do you sit in silence if he turns off the tv? Just switch it back on. Are you worried about his reaction?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 31/07/2019 14:09

He doesn't want you to buy food for yourself? Jesus OP I can think of no situation where that's acceptable. Especially where he is spending stupid money just getting to work. You have tried talking to him and it's not worked.

I think you have 3 options.

Ignore him and carry on regardless. If this doesnt put you in any more danger

Try talking him in a different way. Mediation, counselling etc. Would he agree to this?

Change your actions. You cant change his. So leave or go back to work

Chakano · 31/07/2019 14:11

Suggest he sees a counsellor for OCD this isn't normal behaviour. If there was a good reason, but he is ill informed about electric.