Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has taken this too far?

255 replies

sallycinnamonn · 31/07/2019 10:33

DH is really money conscious which is absolutely fine except I really feel as though he's started to take it too far and it's becoming so irritating for me.

He literally flys off the handle if I accidentally leave a switch on when nothings plugged into it, he's constantly monitoring and watching me and others when we use electric to ensure we turn plugs off straight away once finished and if we don't will go on a full blown rant about how we need to save money. If we boil the kettle then forget about it so it goes cold and need to boil it again, it will trigger him so badly.. He also will absolutely not allow the tv to just be on in the background. If I'm watching tv and then look at my phone for even a second he's instantly "TURN THE TV OFF IF YOU'RE NOT WATCHING IT". I am watching it but I literally took my attention away from it for one second, I feel like I'm being watched like a hawk! But he will also literally make us sit in silence without the tv on if I look at my phone for too long for his liking.. I don't know I just find this really weird! Especially since we're not even in a bad place financially and he seems so possessive over it.

This is where the AIBU part comes in.. he even gets mad at me for buying "unnecessary things" while shopping. I don't see them as unnecessary tbh. For example, meals for myself during the day (stay at home mum) or I spent £1 on some chocolates the other day while shopping and he got so mad about me buying them because we "didn't need them, a waste of money". He only wants me to buy meals for us which I really don't get because we can afford to buy other things, especially when they're only £1..

But anyway, he is like this 24/7 yet will spend £400+ a month on Uber's to work.. now that we absolutely CANT afford. Neither of us drive but he refused to buy a bus pass because they're "too expensive and he would rather walk". They are £600 a year compared to his 400+ a month on Uber's. AIBU to be so frustrated and find his behaviour difficult to live with?

OP posts:
Juells · 31/07/2019 10:54

Plus 😂😂😂 at turning off sockets when an appliance isn't being used 😂😂😂

Does he think electricity leaks out?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 31/07/2019 10:55

I go around checking plugs etc. Don't like any lights or chargers on over night. That's because I'm paranoid about house fires, though. Nothing to do with a few pennies.

Juells · 31/07/2019 10:56

Don't like any lights or chargers on over night. That's because I'm paranoid about house fires, though.

Me too. But I don't switch off ordinary sockets.

Missingstreetlife · 31/07/2019 10:57

Has he got OCD?
You need a different way of splitting money so each of you has a similar amount for spending on personal expenses (lunch, taxis, sweets, probably clothes and entertainment) household expenses and bills, joint savings etc to be paid first.
Is he paying for a pension for both of you?

Zaphodsotherhead · 31/07/2019 10:58

So, basically, it's only 'too expensive' when it's something for you? Does he never reboil the kettle or casually let his attention wander when watching TV? Or is it 'different' when he does it?

Because he's a controlling prick. My friend has a father like this. He's got a smart meter and he loves to sit and watch it, when anyone has a shower he's shouting at them to 'get out' after two minutes, because it's 'expensive'. He's a control freak too.

IdblowJonSnow · 31/07/2019 11:00

Tell him to stop it, it's awful behaviour.
How does he justify his ubers?!
I had to use one yesterday as buses kept not turning up - felt incredibly guilty! (I'm a tight arse but don't inflict it on others).

Tatiannatomasina · 31/07/2019 11:02

Get yourself back to work asap. Give him half the childcare bill then buy as much chocolate as you like to eat while watching tv playing on your phone with all the lights on. Knob. Dont put up with his nonsense. Give him a surprise gift of an annual bus pass.

Sunandrainallconfusedhere · 31/07/2019 11:02

He would likely spontaneously combust if you left and cms stepped in.....

Ninkaninus · 31/07/2019 11:03

That’s disgusting behaviour from him. Begrudging you food and getting on your case about a measly bar of chocolate while he’s pissing away money on Ubers??

I wouldn’t stand for it, I’d challenge it every single time. And if he doesn’t start to realise that he’s being a complete idiot and utterly illogical and consciously commit to mending his ways then he’s either utterly selfish or a controlling arsehole and you really ought to LTB.

CoraPirbright · 31/07/2019 11:03

What does he say when you confront him about his Uber use? It’s completely nuts that he is spending so much per month when for a little more, he can get the bus for a year. As others have pointed out, it isnt that money is being spent, it is that you are spending. His astronomical cab fares are ok apparently but you having some lunch isnt......Hmm

LakeIsle48 · 31/07/2019 11:03

You are being bullied. Do not tolerate this under any circumstances. Can you tell your family or friends? Can you talk to your GP?

You really need support to withstand his aggressive behaviour.

If you cannot access support ring Womens Aid. They will have seen this type of bullying numerous times.

His behaviour is not normal. If you have children they will be aware that you are being bullied and it will affect them.

This wont just magically get better. It will get worse.

You dont need to live like this. Please seek support.

Raver84 · 31/07/2019 11:04

If this was me I'd be going back to work ASAP and making plans to leave. He's controlling you

Gazelda · 31/07/2019 11:04

I would be deeply unhappy in your situation. To the point of ending the marriage.

Does he 'allow' you to take DC to groups, swimming, meeting other parents for coffee etc?

iheartroycropper · 31/07/2019 11:04

this is likely to do with you being a stay at home mum and him feeling it's his money.
Exactly this. He sees he can spend the money on Uber’s because it’s his hard earned cash. And you aren’t even entitled to a £1 bar of chocolate. What a total misery guts.

Mitzicoco · 31/07/2019 11:05

OCD?

ReanimatedSGB · 31/07/2019 11:05

This sounds like abuse to me, as well. If it had just been electricity-related, it might have been overdoing climate-change panic, but the fact that he tantrums over you spending £1 on a bar of chocolate makes it clear that it's about him wanting to control you completely: you are supposed to be grateful, obedient and Know Your Place which means you can do nothing without his permission and only have 'treats' when he decides you have 'earned' them.
What would happen if you laughed at him, or turned the TV back on again, or told him to stop being such a dick? If you feel that you are scared of finding out because he would either rage and shout at you or find some other way of punishing you for disobedience/disrespect then you need to start making plans to end this marriage, because men like this get worse, not better.

Why1990 · 31/07/2019 11:07

Life's too short to live with someone like that Confused

sheshootssheimplores · 31/07/2019 11:07

Have my first LTB.

AfterSchoolWorry · 31/07/2019 11:07

This is abusive OP.

katewhinesalot · 31/07/2019 11:08

This is about control. Pure and simple.

How has it got to the point where he can "make" you do anything? I suspect it's gradually been getting worse until now, as he gets away with more and more? What would happen if you stand up to him?

Pinkarsedfly · 31/07/2019 11:09

Financial and emotional abuse.

Put him on a one-way Uber journey to the far side of fuck.

StroppyWoman · 31/07/2019 11:09

That sounds abusive. It’s not about money, it’s about control and domination.
Google the Freedom Programme, they might have resources to help you.

Original poster
sallycinnamonn · 31/07/2019 11:10

I have challenged his behaviour multiple times but nothing changes. With regards to spending money on Uber's he agrees but then continues anyway. The thing is, the money I spend on shopping is MY money, but it bothers him anyway.. I don't get it and I'm really at a loss of what to do because nothing changes.

OP posts:
Catsandchardonnay · 31/07/2019 11:10

Why don’t you turn the tv back on? Are you scared of him? This is financial and emotional abuse. He thinks as he’s the wage earner he’s the boss and gets to control you. Fuck that. Tell him to change or leave.

Howyiz · 31/07/2019 11:10

You are having a really hard time between your husband and your mum. Do you have someone in real life that can support you?