DH has taken this too far?

[sallycinnamonn]

DH is really money conscious which is absolutely fine except I really feel as though he's started to take it too far and it's becoming so irritating for me.

He literally flys off the handle if I accidentally leave a switch on when nothings plugged into it, he's constantly monitoring and watching me and others when we use electric to ensure we turn plugs off straight away once finished and if we don't will go on a full blown rant about how we need to save money. If we boil the kettle then forget about it so it goes cold and need to boil it again, it will trigger him so badly.. He also will absolutely not allow the tv to just be on in the background. If I'm watching tv and then look at my phone for even a second he's instantly "TURN THE TV OFF IF YOU'RE NOT WATCHING IT". I am watching it but I literally took my attention away from it for one second, I feel like I'm being watched like a hawk! But he will also literally make us sit in silence without the tv on if I look at my phone for too long for his liking.. I don't know I just find this really weird! Especially since we're not even in a bad place financially and he seems so possessive over it.

This is where the AIBU part comes in.. he even gets mad at me for buying "unnecessary things" while shopping. I don't see them as unnecessary tbh. For example, meals for myself during the day (stay at home mum) or I spent £1 on some chocolates the other day while shopping and he got so mad about me buying them because we "didn't need them, a waste of money". He only wants me to buy meals for us which I really don't get because we can afford to buy other things, especially when they're only £1..

But anyway, he is like this 24/7 yet will spend £400+ a month on Uber's to work.. now that we absolutely CANT afford. Neither of us drive but he refused to buy a bus pass because they're "too expensive and he would rather walk". They are £600 a year compared to his 400+ a month on Uber's. AIBU to be so frustrated and find his behaviour difficult to live with?

Next time he does it just tell him to fuck off. Leave the TV on and buy your damn chocolate. It's your life to live as you please. Of you don't stand up to him now this will never end. Ask him what his problem is, if you have to find some facts about how much everything really costs. Tell him you aren't even interested in a compromise until he deals with his Uber habit. Your post makes me so angry on your behalf OP.

So you're not allowed to eat lunch? Bloody hell, this is not good is it? Think about how you would view this behaviour or react if this was a friend confiding in you about their relationship.

My dad was like this growing up.... turns out he had OCD, years of non diagnosis made it extremely stressful growing up with him, and gave me lots of anxiety problems that still effect me today. I would either find a way to sort this now or leave him, for yours and your child's sake X

This is financial abuse. He does not need to be violent or removing your access to money to be abusive. Look up coercive control which is now a crime.

OP get a job then you can spend what you like. He’s got too much control, get your power back

@changedtempforprivacy it has been agreed between us that I stay at home, I was at uni before I fell pregnant and have deferred a year to look after our child. So I didn't earn any money anyway, I only got 3k a year from uni. I still get money now (universal credit) so I'm not even spending his money

I couldn't live with a man like that.

He's tight, controlling, selfish and frankly, insane.

You would feel so much happier if you moved out.

I grew up in a house like this and I would say I am damaged from it. My dad treated us kids the same way and it affects your self-esteem. I’d go as far as saying I was neglected despite my dad owning his own business, we lived in a 5 bed detached house, my parents went on lots of holidays and had lots of cars including classic cars. However I was only allowed to shower/bath once a week as water was expensive, we were not allowed the heating on even during the snow in 2009 I think it was, I wasn’t allowed barely any food. It for beyond a joke where there was a pin code on the tv and phone, cameras around our home to record us, padlocks on the boiler etc..... x

This sounds unbearable. I would feel utterly smothered and controlled. How he is 'allowed' to spend £400 on ubers every month and you're not 'allowed' a £1 chocolate bar?

Utter ridiculous. You need to get some control back over your own life. Either he has OCD, or he is massively controlling and financially abusive, or a delightful combination of all 3.

Either way, you need to start standing up for yourself. Call him out when he's being ridiculous.

My DH puts the TV on as soon as he comes home, then goes off doing other things e.g. shower & change, do some chores in other rooms etc. It can be on with no one watching it for an hour or more. Sometimes he has the projector on too. Even when it's turned off, everything of his is always in standby mode, never off at the socket. It annoys me. I don't say anything about it, although I do turn the TV off if I'm home and not watching it though, because I'm sure that I do things which annoy him, which he doesn't mention. It's part of the compromise of living together.

Your DH is refusing to compromise on anything - he expects you to live exactly by his rules and you're not entitled to make your own decisions for yourself. It wouldn't be so bad if his rules were reasonable but they are clearly ridiculous. You shouldn't have to live like this.

I’m not sure on this.
The electric stuff is not unreasonable. We have the same habits ourselves both to save money and the polar bears. It would be frustrating to me if my DH were leaving lights on, boiling a kettle and not using the water, and having the TV on as background noise. Too, I hate watching a show with someone who spends it looking at their phone, that is just rude. A powered on socket not in use with no plug is also dangerous with a child in the house.
Ranting about £1 on chocolate...definitely very unreasonable.
Buying ready meals when you are SAHM..is a waste. You’re home so eat leftovers or make a sandwich.
The Uber vs bus fare....huh..I doubt your figures here. Bus passes in my town are £280/month. I can’t imagine anywhere where a bus passes would be only £600 per YEAR. And honestly he is going to work and busses are known to be unreliable. My DD takes the bus to college and often she is late due to the bus not coming, or breaking down etc. Most employers would have sacked her if she were using the bus to go to work.
I’d sit down and talk with DH, find out exactly why he is so worried about money. Tackle it together...if he knew the thing s you did to save money like keeping heat down, or looking for sales while shopping, or buying used things off Gumtree then maybe it would calm him down. ITs a lot of oressure being sole breadwinner and that can make a person worry too much and snap about outgoings when it comes to money.

You are in a very vulnerable situation here: no job, no friends close by, can't drive and reliant on a man.

I'd be focusing all my energy on changing that urgently, or you are up shit creek.

So it's ok for him to waste money but not you.

Do you call him out on it every time? If not you need to start.

But he will also literally make us sit in silence without the tv on if I look at my phone for too long for his liking

This point is not about money; this is purely about being in control and being punished for behaviour that he doesn't approve of.

@RaggeddeeAnn I see where you're coming from although I feel his behaviour is less because of the effect on the environment and more about money since when confronted about it, that's the reason her gives.. no definitely £600 a year, I googled just before i made the post to be sure

He does know that if a socket is on with nothing plugged in then I'd doesn't use electric?

Au contraire - it leaks electrickery all over the carpets and seeps through the floorboards to form a big electrickery pool under the house! All it will take is one careless spark - even from outside (eg, the slamming of an Uber door within 200m) and the whole house will go up like a tinder keg!

This is true, believe you me - my hairdresser's brother's girlfriend's chief bridesmaid had this happen to her when her cat shook its head too vigorously and a spark from its fur ignited a dust bunny under the settee and . . . KA-BOOM!!!

Listen to the very wise (and fish-bum tight) man you married.

You are in an abusive relationship. Sorry. LTB (my first one!)

So he can spend 400 pounds a month on unnecessary ubers but he begrudges you eating lunch because he doesn't benefit! And he denies you buying yourself cheap luxuries like chocolate with your own money! He sounds very very controlling and abusive. It's financial abuse.
Why do you have to spend your own money when you are a sahm?
Can you get a job so you can save up and plan your escape?

Cant see the logic in refusing to use £600 a year on a bus pass but happily wasting nearly 5 grand on ubers?
Is it only you that has to go without (like a £1 choc bar ffs)?
Tell him his logic is seriously flawed

As said, ypu are living in an abusive relationship. So is your child.

You don't have to put up with his abuse, it's your choice if you do and drag your child along with you.

This behaviour will effect your child psychologically and emotionally for the rest of their life and any relationships they have.

What you have to decide is if your Partner is worth the trade off for your and your child's mental health.

It's that simple.

He doesn't like you to eat during the day? Does he let you feed your kid?

controlling and a double standard hypocritical wanker.... I'm afraid I'd have to seriously rethink this relationship.

That is no way to live, constantly being got at for spending and having to justify your spending whereas his is fine.

Is there a backstory here like current debt/previous debt or hidden gambling or something on his part that's making him paranoid about money saving/money matters?

RaggeddeeAnn

RaggeddeeAnn, my weekly bus pass, here in Liverpool, is £16 a week. It's cheaper if i buy it yearly. If you care about the environment, you'd get the bus

But you've just ignored the abusive side of this. No adult should be controlled to this level, or ranted at.

OP, men often become abusive on the birth of a child. He's just kept it hidden.

I just find this really weird!

It's not weird, it's abusive.

Best case scenario is that it stems from OCD or some such mental issue, but then you can't be expected to live with it if he won't get acknowledge it or get help. TBH doesn't sound as if it is this though. From what you say, he thinks that he is completely justified in behaving how he does.

You are young and inexperienced. What were your parents like?

Don't accept this. You are not living in a healthy, normal relationship. It will get worse and if you can't leave him for yourself, do it for your child.

Read books, seek counselling, approach Womans Aid or do internet research, to find where your boundaries should be. You don't appear to have any. You say you confront him but this is probably feeding his power trip because he still controls you despite you being "feisty". He knows he can get away with whatever he wants and the abuse will only get worse as you accept more and more.