DH has taken this too far?

[sallycinnamonn]

DH is really money conscious which is absolutely fine except I really feel as though he's started to take it too far and it's becoming so irritating for me.

He literally flys off the handle if I accidentally leave a switch on when nothings plugged into it, he's constantly monitoring and watching me and others when we use electric to ensure we turn plugs off straight away once finished and if we don't will go on a full blown rant about how we need to save money. If we boil the kettle then forget about it so it goes cold and need to boil it again, it will trigger him so badly.. He also will absolutely not allow the tv to just be on in the background. If I'm watching tv and then look at my phone for even a second he's instantly "TURN THE TV OFF IF YOU'RE NOT WATCHING IT". I am watching it but I literally took my attention away from it for one second, I feel like I'm being watched like a hawk! But he will also literally make us sit in silence without the tv on if I look at my phone for too long for his liking.. I don't know I just find this really weird! Especially since we're not even in a bad place financially and he seems so possessive over it.

This is where the AIBU part comes in.. he even gets mad at me for buying "unnecessary things" while shopping. I don't see them as unnecessary tbh. For example, meals for myself during the day (stay at home mum) or I spent £1 on some chocolates the other day while shopping and he got so mad about me buying them because we "didn't need them, a waste of money". He only wants me to buy meals for us which I really don't get because we can afford to buy other things, especially when they're only £1..

But anyway, he is like this 24/7 yet will spend £400+ a month on Uber's to work.. now that we absolutely CANT afford. Neither of us drive but he refused to buy a bus pass because they're "too expensive and he would rather walk". They are £600 a year compared to his 400+ a month on Uber's. AIBU to be so frustrated and find his behaviour difficult to live with?

What does he do for lunch? He doesn't like you buying food for your lunch so presumably that means he doesn't eat anything at lunchtime? Or does he buy lunch every day when he's at work, in between getting his cab there and his cab home again? Factor that in to your calculations.

In all honesty if this was just mental health around money or electricity he would be just as stressed about his Uber spending. It’s not just electricity he’s doing it with your food too and it’s all surrounding things that YOU do. Including the TV and phone thing, watching you like a hawk to pick on everything you do, not listening when you tell him he’s being rude and unpleasant suggests he has no respect for you. You don’t say anything about the rest of your RS and whether he is slowly chipping away at you rudely in other areas too?

I’m not a MH professional but nothing you say really suggests some sudden manifestation of a compulsion and I really worry that by having some new hope to hold into that it is, you will overlook a lot of his awful behaviour and try to fix him. His reaction to the expense of counselling will tell you everything you need to know.

From a lot of experience people here will tell you that it often starts to trickle down to the DC eventually and it does impact them if their father is constantly haranguing their mother about every move she makes in her own home.

He's a contolling asshole.
He thinks he's much more important than you.
He dismisses what you say.
He treats you like a badly behaved child.
He wont change his behaviour even though he know its unreasonable.

I was going to suggest you give him consequences for his behaviour, like "if you complain about the electricity again, every light in the house will be on when you come in from work. If you complain again every appliance will be on."

But having read more of your posts, no, fuck that. Get rid of him and get a lodger. No one should treat you like that, especially in your own home.

After a conversation, DH has told me he's actually already arranged seeing a councillor without my knowledge (for himself). He was surprisingly reasonable and we have decided that he will move out for the meantime while I get my head straight with where to go from here. In all honesty it's looking as though there is no hope here for us, but I want to put in place arrangements for myself and dd so I have all the answers once I break the news to him. I think I knew this was a long time coming but struggled admitting it to myself. It will be hard but I know it's for the best and I will manage with the help of family and friends. And for whoever asked if I was planning on returning to uni and what my chosen career was- I am returning either next year or the year after and was 2 years into my midwifery course when I left

Wow I've only read page 1 and 10 but I'm guessing things were already starting to mull around your head about just how unacceptable and abusive he is. Well done for being proactive and strong.

Good call @sallycinnamonn

It's clear there's more going on here. Wishing you well.

I'm glad there's been progress op. You deserve so much better than this. Stay strong. Don't continue with him just for financial security. That was why my mum stayed in an abusive relationship for 30 years. It would have been so much better for her and her children if she'd ended it sooner.

So glad to hear things are changing, I hope everything improves soon. You deserve so much better than that, best of luck

That’s a good career Sally and there will always be a need for midwives - it cant be outsourced to Bratislava!

Good luck with your plans.

Even though it might be really tough right now, sallycinnamon, you're totally doing the right thing.

You've been amazingly strong for yourself and your little one.

Get your own bank account...in fact, I'd leave!

@Neverender - have a look at the OP's update?

What a tight arse control freak, such unattractive traits.

Glad to hear of the update doesnt sound like ocd or he'd do it with everything not just what you spend

good luck

Just to add with my Ex. He was like this because he was hiding a very bad gambling addiction, one that took him blowing through my savings from before we met in one week for me to finally notice. I was young, naive, believed he was being so controlling to ensure we lived well.

When I started digging I realised that all the money he was taking for “my share” of the mortgage payment, bills, council tax, food etc was actually the total of those expenses and he was pissing his pay away online gambling.

So is there a possibility that he’s spending his money elsewhere and not on the Uber’s - just using that as his excuse? From my experience, once I started to figure the situation out he got increasingly aggressive and defensive about his obsession with what I spent that I realised just how delusional he was. I was broke, had to walk away from the mortgage because he refused to let me sell our flat - he refused to move out of it. I was down nearly £8000 from the savings I’d worked hard to put away. Ended up in debt that I will never be able to repay - but I did it to escape him. Had nowhere to live, no family to help and after his systematic abuse and controlling behaviour, no friends.

I’ve got a few years until my debts are written off, until then I pay what I can toward them. I worked full time until having my DC with my DH.

It may seem like such a daunting process especially with a child in tow, but I promise you, the freedom is worth it and you can make it if you need to go down that route. It will be hard but compared to feeling like your every move is under scrutiny and walking on eggshells when you decide to buy yourself a god damn chocolate bar - it won’t seem so bad. At least it didn’t in my experience

God I would murder this arsehole in his sleep.

(Not really)

Just saw your update as I posted @sallycinnamonn (sorry!) honestly good luck and I hope you get some relief soon from him. All the best for the future and stay strong x

Good luck for the future at least you know where you stand now.

Be very careful. He suddenly seems fair to reasonable for someone who likes controlling you.

What an awful way to live! LTB.

Tuck this little experience away, but be mindful if it appears another way sooner or later.
Currently OP you are in a vulnerable position, untrained mid course, no job, small child, mainly reliant on DH for income.
Personally, I'd make damn sure I finished the course asap and certainly before any more DC.
You may get pressured into DC no 2 as a way to keep you entirely dependant on DP.
Also. Have you full view of your joint finances. As if its low enough for a joint UC claim I cannot see how you've got 400 a month for uber's. Is he in debt so hes trying to claw back via your spends?

Wow. Just read your update.

Please put yourself and DS first here. Great that he wants to get counselling for himself, get everything you're entitled to and best of luck with resuming your studies.

I'm 100% sure your life will be much happier once you're not being controlled by him (financially or otherwise). Onwards and upwards.

I was think how convenient he told you he had arranged to see a counsellor and was quite reasonable when you started to rock the boat.

Might be being cynical or is he just telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

If he had come to you and apologised for his behaviour and told you he was going to be seeing a counsellor before you broached the subject of his unreasonable attitude I would be inclined to believe he wanted to change.

This way you will never be too sure whether at the moment in time you started to discuss how unhappy you are he had actually booked anything.

He sounds awful & controlling. LTB. Life is too short to put up with a husband like this!

How will counselling help? I'm not sure of any mental health condition that makes him a miser towards his DP but spendy mcspendy on himself.
I smell bullshit.