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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has taken this too far?

255 replies

sallycinnamonn · 31/07/2019 10:33

DH is really money conscious which is absolutely fine except I really feel as though he's started to take it too far and it's becoming so irritating for me.

He literally flys off the handle if I accidentally leave a switch on when nothings plugged into it, he's constantly monitoring and watching me and others when we use electric to ensure we turn plugs off straight away once finished and if we don't will go on a full blown rant about how we need to save money. If we boil the kettle then forget about it so it goes cold and need to boil it again, it will trigger him so badly.. He also will absolutely not allow the tv to just be on in the background. If I'm watching tv and then look at my phone for even a second he's instantly "TURN THE TV OFF IF YOU'RE NOT WATCHING IT". I am watching it but I literally took my attention away from it for one second, I feel like I'm being watched like a hawk! But he will also literally make us sit in silence without the tv on if I look at my phone for too long for his liking.. I don't know I just find this really weird! Especially since we're not even in a bad place financially and he seems so possessive over it.

This is where the AIBU part comes in.. he even gets mad at me for buying "unnecessary things" while shopping. I don't see them as unnecessary tbh. For example, meals for myself during the day (stay at home mum) or I spent £1 on some chocolates the other day while shopping and he got so mad about me buying them because we "didn't need them, a waste of money". He only wants me to buy meals for us which I really don't get because we can afford to buy other things, especially when they're only £1..

But anyway, he is like this 24/7 yet will spend £400+ a month on Uber's to work.. now that we absolutely CANT afford. Neither of us drive but he refused to buy a bus pass because they're "too expensive and he would rather walk". They are £600 a year compared to his 400+ a month on Uber's. AIBU to be so frustrated and find his behaviour difficult to live with?

OP posts:
ohcanada · 31/07/2019 11:11

Does he have anxiety? When I'm having a bad anxious period things make me go crazy that I wouldn't care about normally. Took me a while to identify this is how my anxiety manifests.

YouJustDoYou · 31/07/2019 11:11

Yet another man thinking his family is a financial burden to him, but his own costs are, of course, completely justifiable, because it's him and he's the important one.

LagunaBubbles · 31/07/2019 11:11

It sounds like financial abuse to me, not just "weird".

Ninkaninus · 31/07/2019 11:12

I’d honestly tell him to shut his mouth. What a twat. He thinks he’s your boss! I’d be done with him, I couldn’t take that kind of disrespect.

SummerInTheVillage · 31/07/2019 11:13

Leave.

Apolloanddaphne · 31/07/2019 11:13

He is a controlling bastard and will only get worse. You can't change him but you can leave him.

saraclara · 31/07/2019 11:13

He doesn't let you buy food to feed yourself when he's at work?

That's beyond controlling. Does he expect you only to eat when he's present? This is an incredibly unhealthy relationship and a very worrying environment for your child to grow up in.

You need to talk to real life people and support agencies, because this really can't continue.

Original poster
sallycinnamonn · 31/07/2019 11:13

@howyiz I know, unfortunately not, my closest friend has moved away and we can only visit each other occasionally. My other friends, I made at uni, which is over an hour away, and they all still live over there.

OP posts:
screentime · 31/07/2019 11:16

OP, I wouid say he’s beyond controlling and has some serious psychological issues he needs to work on, over and above anything that’s going on in your marriage.
I would talk to the doctor about him. He sounds very unwell.

HeffaLump1 · 31/07/2019 11:16

You both need counselling, him especially, as there must be something deeper for him to be acting so weirdly. Has he made a private investment that he's worried about? Though if it's private I don't suppose you would know...but is he that kind of person?

KUGA · 31/07/2019 11:16

Weird .
I was married to a bully like him.
He did exactly the same.
And I walked out of a 32year marriage.
And never looked back.
Life is heaven.

Nellamelia · 31/07/2019 11:17

He's not being conscious of the money, he being conscious of you. He is using the money as an excuse to control you.

It's no way to live, he can't even claim its logical because he doesn't apply your sanctions to himself.

EnoughLifeLessons · 31/07/2019 11:19

Controlling and abusive. You need to get out. He's not money conscious, it's all about controlling you, your food, your entertainment, your life. And I was in a relationship where my partner exploded at me for small things...I put me on edge so much, I could barely function because I didn't know when the next blow up would come. This is not a life.Get out.

Annonymiss123 · 31/07/2019 11:22

Have my first LTB

And mine.

You don't need to put up with his abusive behaviour OP.

MiniMum97 · 31/07/2019 11:23

You need to stand up to him. How dare he have a go at you for "wasting" money by leaving a switch on and then sirens £400pcm on Uber's. that's crazy.

BizzzzyBee · 31/07/2019 11:25

It isnt costing you anything to have a switch on when nothing is plugged in. Send him to the library to borrow a book about how electricity works. It doesn’t leak out of the socket into the air you know!

hadthesnip2 · 31/07/2019 11:25

Have my first LTB too.

I couldn's stand 5 mins with someone like that. Making you turn off the TV if your eyes move from the screen for a few seconds......wtf...??

Freddiefox · 31/07/2019 11:27

Op what happens when you turn the tv back on? Do you turn the tv back on?

These are the important questions to think about.

Are you scared of him?

Zebraaa · 31/07/2019 11:28

You really do need to stand up to him. Tell him he can’t control your life like this or you will leave. This is no way to live!

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 31/07/2019 11:29

I have the opposite problem - DH NEVER turns off anything electrical when he has finished with it! Leaves lights on, plugs switched on, fans on, etc. I hate having the TV on if nobody is watching, but he insists on having it on all the time - even when he is asleep!

bebeboeuf · 31/07/2019 11:32

My eco was like this. Watched everything I spent and wanted me to account for it too.

I left him.

bebeboeuf · 31/07/2019 11:32

Eco = exh

ineedaholidaynow · 31/07/2019 11:33

OP when you say you are spending ‘my’ money when buying your lunch, are you using your savings to do that?

Tipsylizard · 31/07/2019 11:33

My ex was like this (to a lesser extent) and it made me miserable. For example, If I put a shampoo in our shopping trolley he would take it out and "suggest" a cheaper version. It was symptomatic of a wider issue in our relationship and he was the all round thief of joy. When we separated- i went nuts in the supermarket and spend £250 on all sorts of stuff (candles, cushions, hair masks etc.) Thoroughly enjoyed myself. My now DH is much more like me - easy come, easy go with money. We will never be rich but we enjoy ourselves.Flowers

VivienneHolt · 31/07/2019 11:34

He’s not at all money conscious - he’s throwing away money every month on Uber (he could easily buy the bus pass and spend the annual savings on driving lessons and a second hand car) and unless he’s really thick he must know that it doesn’t use electricity to leave switches on.

He’s just using money as an avenue to control you. He’s an abuser.

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