not to tell strangers where I'm from?

[FishCanFly]

I speak with a pretty unfortunate accent and this always prompts random people to ask where i'm from. Thing is - I don't want to say. I don't mind a friendly conversation, but i don't like giving out personal info to people i don't know. AIBU?

Op I’m not white
I get the question all the time, as if a white person can’t be English.

I find it othering and annoying too. In your situation I’d probably say “the world”. Sometimes if people push me with the “but where are you REALLY from”, I say that.

soapona there was literally nothing about your post that said good manners. At all.

Op, i guess what makes you uncomfortable is the question can be quite ‘othering’.

I’m also from Eastern Europe and I completely understand. Some (most) people are friendly and genuinely just interested/making conversation. Some are not and you can immediately tell by the tone and it’s hard to explain to English people how that makes you uncomfortable. Because it’s the start of a conversation about immigrants and how bad they are. My favourite are the ones where they go on about the Eastern European crooks and gangs and stealing jobs etc but then caveat it by saying you’re the exception. Great, thanks, so fucking honoured. I sometimes also refuse to say where I’m from if I can tell the conversation is not going in a good direction.

The question can be used to ‘other’ people, like ’you’re not from round here.’ Making people feel in a subtle way ‘not one of us’
I think it’s interesting How many people on this thread don’t get how that feels.
Perhaps some are taking a ‘colour blind’ stance; denying that difference exists and can be used to exercise prejudice.

@RosaWaiting Are you English? And therefore have an English accent? In which case, of course the questions are rude and racist because the assumption, just by looking at you, is that you're not English because god forbid a person who isn't white is actually from England.

That's entirely different to someone who very obviously has a non-English accent being asked where they're from.

Cross post. Sorry

TOTALLY get this. I never thought about it before the Brexit vote, I used to be happy to answer the question. This has completely changed for me since the 2016 and now I do suspect a xenophobic motive behind the question.

@EnoughLifeLessons This makes sense - people are astonishingly rude and judgemental. But refusing to say where you're from won't stop that.

I have a polish friend. She has to cope with this low level shit all the time and it infuriates me for her. But I think dealing with it by challenging people or just being above it is better because these questions are innocent in themselves, even if the person asking them isn't.

Not sure if that makes complete sense. But my point is that by no standard can a question about where you're from when you've got an accent be, on its own, a racist one. The response and the judgements these people are making because you have an accent or based on where you're from absolutely are. But that's a separate issue.

I get it. I have a perfectly "passes for British" name and I'm white, but have one of those accents people can't readily place, which still gives away that I'm not actually British.

I'm a fairly private person. I don't like volunteering personal information in general, to be honest. So if I can get away with being vague, I will. Quite often I'll tell them where I used to live, even though it's obvous that's not what they mean.

The thing is, you don't always know from "the tone" whether the person asking is just being polite and honestly doesn't give a fuck, or whether the answer will cause them to consider you in a very different light. Not all who dislike immigrants are loutish yobs.

It’s offensive to be asked if you’re Russian (because if you sound Eastern European, everyone thinks you’re Russian). And then when you say “No”, they ask “but do you speak Russian?” NO. It’s like asking a Dutch person - oh, you’re Dutch, so you speak Swedish? What’s the fucking connection other than being on the same continent?? It gets tiring, very tiring. And the constant judgment is awful. And while most people are genuinely nice, it gets too much, especially when you turn on the TV and it’s all about Brexit and how much everyone hates immigrants. It's so hard to explain how draining it is. And yes, I am thinking of leaving this country because of it. This is not the same tolerant and multicultural country I came to 10 years ago.

And just to reiterate, while I don't get it nearly as much as immigrants from Eastern Europe (and others) probably because I am white and english speaking, I DO get it. Sometimes I can practically SEE people thinking, "why are you using OUR NHS when you're a foreigner" or whatever in normal conversation. And unless they are more explicit, it's extremely difficult to respond to.

I have had, once or twice, people be that explicit. And I've shut them down every time by pointing out that a) my parents are english b) I've lived, worked and paid taxes here for 20 years c) I currently EMPLOY multiple English people who rely on that income, and pay tax on it d) I am fully engaged in my community in multiple ways. Whether they are convinced by this, or any other argument, I couldn't say. But it's shit nonetheless. And annoying. So I get it. I just don't think taking umbrage at someone asking you where you're from is helping or necessary.

I love travelling, LOVE meeting people from different countries .... i love eastern Europe particularly and have travelled to 12 eastern european/balkan countries.

this post makes me sad that anytime I've asked where people are from its annoyed/offended then.

I'm sad that people feel this way due to xenophobic racists asking in a horrible accusing tone, but there are genuinely nice people out there who are just trying to be polite and/or further educate themselves in where accents come from ...

Challenging shitty behaviour all the time is draining. Sometimes I just want a drink in the pub like everyone else.

So when asked where I’m from, I keep it vague and polite. I never say “No, I don’t want to say where I’m from”. I say “oh, I live in London, have been here a while” or “I’ve lived in a few places, settled here now”. And then I walk away or change the subject. Vague enough for most people not to ask further questions.

@secretllama I can usually tell if someone’s being nice. And I respond the same way. I think everyone needs to understand you’re not the kind of person that this thread is about. I’d usually either answer your question or, if I’m not in the mood, say something vague and walk away.

@EnoughLifeLessons

Yes I understand ... I guess I dont think "this person gets asked this aalllllll the time" when asking , I just get excited meeting people from different countries and love chatting in general

The best thing that you can do for yourself and your country is to proudly and unblinkingly say where you're from OP. Dismiss the bigots .....if you get a derogatory comment, ask them when did they last visit your country??? Be proud and be an excellent example of the very best of your country's people to the British.....only by taking this approach can you open eyes and broaden any small minded horizons that all too often exist in the U.K.

God I love a Russian accent! far sexier than where I come from (estuary)

Romanian here and totally get it. I get told to go back to Poland regularly.. I've never been to Poland.
I just say I'm from where I live now. Then watch them squirm as they battle with themselves to stop asking yeah but where are you REALLY from.
Ive been asked upon finding out I'm Romanian, oh do you work in insert name of factory .. no not that there's anything wrong with thst but don't assume I work there because of my nationality.
It can make you quite rude, unfortunately.

@secretllama - I think you can usually tell if someone is interested in a genuinely positive way (as opposed to "just saying something to fill in a silence" or actual xenophobia). The vast majority will not be particularly interested in either direction.

(I met someone recently who got really excited about where I'm from and asked lots of questions. It was very nice. She was apologetic that I must get bored of talking about it. But honestly, I've been in the UK my whole adult life and hardly anyone has ever asked anything at all beyond establishing my origins, let alone wants to hear me blather on about the culture!)

@guest2013 - I think I can up that.... Hasn't happened for a while, but pretty much everyone I know from ANYWHERE in Africa at some point gets the, "Oh my, I met a lovely couple from Kenya once - Bill and Mary Smith - they were about your age, do you know them?" Um, no. because I'm not from Kenya.

I tell myself these people are just making conversation, but it is a little mind boggling.

You don't have to tell a stranger anything about yourself.

I will only make an effort to entertain children. If an adult asks about my accent, my answer will depend on my mood. I might explain, I might name an accent or location (not necessarily an accurate one), or I might just agree with whatever they've imagined. Kids are different; if they're curious enough to ask - any question, not just something about me - I will try to give them an appropriate answer.

Humans are naturally inquisitive; we all are somewhat interested in things we notice. However, I don't feel any societal obligation toward the edification of adults. If it bothers you, don't answer - or derive your own entertainment from the question. x

After I’d been living abroad non English speaking countries, people used to ask me where I was from as I’d picked up an accent that no one could determine.

Be proud of who you are and where you are from. Post Brexit some think if you’re not English (specifically using English) you should go home. Dh is foreign and he got loads of jokes at his expense so I do understand your trepidation. He took the piss back but it was shit and wearing. Then there are other people, who are genuinely interested in where you’re from. If people converse with you for more than a few seconds and show no hostility, I would assume the person genuinely interested.

Are you sure it’s even the accent? It might just be the way that you look. My parents both had Russian accents - most people couldn’t tell where they were from apart from not being local. On the other hand people can often tell that I am of Eastern European decent despite my accent being fairly neutral and definitely not at all EE (stereotypical or otherwise). Apparently it’s just the way I look. Inevitably it proceeds into jokes about how depressed I look-usually in reference to Anna karenina/similar literary character. Occasionally I’ll get a gulag joke. I don’t really mind but it’s not necessarily an accent thing. If the jokes bother you just say so. ‘In soviet Russia, racist joke is you!’ Is generally well recurved.

I think that the English are fascinated by accents because we have so many in such a small geographical space. I love accents and find it amazing we have such a spread. I'm a bit disappointed mine is so neutral.

I ask anyone that doesn't have the standard local Janner accent where they come from - I find it interesting to find out about people - I thought it was friendly - maybe it's not perceived like that.

This is really interesting, I hope I haven't caused offence in the past by asking. I love to travel and see new places so I'm always inquisitive when I meet people who don't sound like they're just from down the road. Likewise non traditional British surnames often indicate a fascinating journey to have ended up here (granted not always these days!). I'll be more careful