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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

not to tell strangers where I'm from?

580 replies

FishCanFly · 30/07/2019 12:28

I speak with a pretty unfortunate accent and this always prompts random people to ask where i'm from. Thing is - I don't want to say. I don't mind a friendly conversation, but i don't like giving out personal info to people i don't know. AIBU?

OP posts:
Decormad38 · 02/08/2019 06:17

I'm a Brit and would actually love to communicate with more Eastern European's. I'm not sure why you are embarrassed about an accent ( think yourself lucky you could be a brummy) kidding by the way! I'm from Leeds so can't talk!

silvercuckoo · 02/08/2019 06:44

At age 8, my Eastern European husband had a job in a market slaughtering chickens, for 2 rubles
If he was paid in rubles, I assume it was USSR or Russia/ Belarus after USSR collapse? I personally find it quite hard to believe, unless he is old enough to have lived before WWII. Or if he just went along to help his family and was given some pocket money.

silvercuckoo · 02/08/2019 06:47

@Rezie

Note that the poster for some reason did not ask "is she Scandinavian?" though.
It would be as unusual and dangerous to leave a young child with learning difficulties at home alone today in EE as it is in the UK.

MythicalBiologicalFennel · 02/08/2019 07:03

At age 8, my Eastern European husband had a job in a market slaughtering chickens, for 2 rubles
If he was paid in rubles, I assume it was USSR or Russia/ Belarus after USSR collapse? I personally find it quite hard to believe, unless he is old enough to have lived before WWII. Or if he just went along to help his family and was given some pocket money.

Exactly my thoughts

Namechangedonceagain · 02/08/2019 07:26

Ugh I hate it when people do this. I once asked someone where they were from while just making friendly conversation and she shot me down and said it was none of my business and was really quite rude about it. It's totally unnecessary and bizarre behaviour if the other person is just being friendly. Very rude and quite obnoxious. I think you would be very unreasonable and also people would just be very ConfusedHmm and just think "Where IS she from that she's ashamed to say? Why is she ashamed? What's going on?!" It will just seem strange and rude. Just say for goodness sake. Or make something up if you don't want to.

Evennow · 02/08/2019 07:29

IMHO, no accent on earth is 'unfortunate'.

Prejudice (or perceived prejudice) is far more than unfortunate. Just keep answering with the name of the place where you are currently living. Otherwise, you could come up with some ripostes to comments about Putin/vodka or ask them questions in response to theirs. You do not have to say where you are from.

'Putin? Look at Boris'
'Vodka - the purest of spirits.'
'UK is obsessed with gin. Is that any better?'
(When questioner names a country) 'Do you know it? Have you visited? Why do you think I come from there?
Ask them which place they are from and make a comment on that area.

Or, if pressed, say, 'I don't want to say where I was born. There is so much prejudice.'

EmeraldShamrock · 02/08/2019 08:55

This thread has highlighted how people feel about the question.
I didn't know it caused any harm, I do now, I won't ask anyone again I have been guilty of it when I admire the accent without any intention of offending, I thought I was showing an interest.
Lesson learnt. Smile

Winterlife · 02/08/2019 09:35

If he was paid in rubles, I assume it was USSR or Russia/ Belarus after USSR collapse? I personally find it quite hard to believe, unless he is old enough to have lived before WWII. Or if he just went along to help his family and was given some pocket money.

During the end of the Khrushchev years. As I posted previously, my husband is from Ukraine. He and his cousin, who was 9, worked for a man who sold chickens at the market. The man didn't need the job, he just enjoyed it. Both my husband and his cousin came from an "undesirable" class (parents were non proletariat), and therefore, they were dirt poor. In the so called "egalitarian" socialist USSR, they both also were underfed, so from that age on, they hustled for money. My husband also used to catch fish and sell them for 2 rubles outside the metro station. Money was always incredibly tight, his avenues to higher education were blocked, and he had to take a job that was usually a pathway to live in the city for escapees (peasants from villages), as he lived in a closed city.

Choose to believe or don't, I don't really care, but it's all true.

@Rezie, when I was a child, latch key kids were common, but we also were dirt poor, so there was no choice. Children that age walk home alone now occasionally, but most are bussed or driven to and from school. But social services would be called if an 8 year old were home alone.

pinkstripeycat · 02/08/2019 09:45

Quite often outsiders are not welcome in parts of north Wales even the welsh. We are from the Gower in S Wales and my DCs speak fluent welsh after attending a welsh speaking school. We were not welcome in a local pub in N Wales as they knew we weren’t local. We were told to leave as they only serve locals. Also known places to speak only welsh as they think we can’t understand them.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 02/08/2019 10:08

I've been out last night.

A few people talked to me (jobs,friends,why we're out etc) and eventually asked about my accent. Fine.

Someone I've known for a few years finally asked where I'm from. She thought Poland. I told her. Fine

Someone approached me at the bar with "You're not from around here are you?"

"No I'm from x town nearby"

"Noooooo you're not from HERE"

Took my drink and left.

Meh...

Someone played pin the tail on the donkey...or the accent on the country.

Again rather meh and boring.

Some twat made a funny joke to my friends that I stole their credit card, after saying where I'm from. Fucking hilarious. NOT FINE.

silvercuckoo · 02/08/2019 10:44

@Winterlife
So at least 50 years ago, still during the de-facto agricultural slavery times (when kolkhozniks were not entitled to identification documents or freedom of movement). And this is relevant to social norms of modern Eastern Europeans in modern Britain... how exactly?
I am pretty sure that at the same time some of the British kids worked in family pubs / on farms at the same age, and social deprivation / malnutrition also was not heard of.

HypatiaCade · 02/08/2019 11:16

Reading this thread has made me realise that I never ask someone where they're from, even if they have an accent. Unless it comes up for a different reason in conversation, I don't ask.

Eg:

Them: We won't be at X training next week.
Me: Oh, going away?
Them: Yes, going to visit family for a few weeks.
Me: Close family?
Them: Yes, my parents and my sister's family.
Me: Where are you going?
Them: : X city in Y Country
Me: Did you used to live there too?
Them: Yes/No

This is someone I used to chat occasionally to while watching our DC train at sport for a whole season.

Funnily enough, she had never asked me where I'm from either, and I have a strong accent too.

I don't ask, because I hate being interrogated myself.

FishCanFly · 02/08/2019 11:23

Ugh I hate it when people do this. I once asked someone where they were from while just making friendly conversation and she shot me down and said it was none of my business and was really quite rude about it. It's totally unnecessary and bizarre behaviour if the other person is just being friendly.
This is why i created this thread, to point out how awkward it is. I say my location, but I'm not taken at face value. At this point it doesn't feel friendly anymore. I have my reasons not to want to tell you where i was born, because i don't know you, i don't know your intentions. But then I'm rude Hmm Maybe its rude to ask questions which aren't really your business?
My English husband never gets this asked of him, unless the conversation is relevant, like - which school you went to or what's your local pub.

OP posts:
FishCanFly · 02/08/2019 11:28

If he was paid in rubles, I assume it was USSR or Russia/ Belarus after USSR collapse? I personally find it quite hard to believe, unless he is old enough to have lived before WWII.
Nonsense. Rubles were in circulation even after USSR collapse, well into early 90's, until national currencies got established. I was about 9 myself. I'm 35 now.

OP posts:
EllenMP · 02/08/2019 12:19

It's sad that you consider your accent unfortunate. England is better for being a home to people from so many lands and we immigrants should be proud of our heritage as well as grateful to be here.

AdelaideK · 02/08/2019 12:50

It Can be pretty tiresome being down south and having a mild Scouse accent.

I lost count of the times someone would say "calm down calm down " and think they were being both original and hilarious. Hmm

silvercuckoo · 02/08/2019 13:05

@FishCanFly
Are you saying that in early 90s it was ok for a 8 year old in an ex-USSR country to be working for two roubles / month by himself slaughtering chicken at the market?
I am the same age as you, and I absolutely cannot think of any environment where that would be considered normal (apart from travelling communities, perhaps). An 8 year old was supposed to be at school full-time, not chopping chickens' heads off. Hmm

FishCanFly · 02/08/2019 13:18

Are you saying that in early 90s it was ok for a 8 year old in an ex-USSR country to be working for two roubles / month by himself slaughtering chicken at the market?
I am the same age as you, and I absolutely cannot think of any environment where that would be considered normal (apart from travelling communities, perhaps). An 8 year old was supposed to be at school full-time, not chopping chickens' heads off. hmm

Yep, i totally believe, if he lived in countryside, and was taken to a market on weekends or holidays. We used to have 3 months off school in summer, so no - it wouldn't have interfered with full-time education.

OP posts:
ThighsRelief · 02/08/2019 14:21

I was chatting to a black man who i run into from time to time. We're not friends but we do pass the time of day cheerfully. We were chatting about holidays / summer / weather and he said he was going on holiday to Jamaica. I asked if he had family there and then we chatted about staying in a hotel v with relatives.

It had taken about 15 chatting sessions before I would have asked that.

ThighsRelief · 02/08/2019 14:24

But had i been chatting to another white person who told me they were going on holiday to Cornwall i would have immediately asked if they were from there / had friends or family there.

FishCanFly · 02/08/2019 14:34

Its completely different when you are actually speaking about holiday destinations.

OP posts:
Winterlife · 02/08/2019 15:35

I am the same age as you, and I absolutely cannot think of any environment where that would be considered normal (apart from travelling communities, perhaps). An 8 year old was supposed to be at school full-time, not chopping chickens' heads off. hmm
Yep, i totally believe, if he lived in countryside, and was taken to a market on weekends or holidays. We used to have 3 months off school in summer, so no - it wouldn't have interfered with full-time education.*

Summertime, his parents and grandparents didn't know. It was 2 rubles a day, not a month, and it was in a major city, not in the countryside.

Winterlife · 02/08/2019 16:23

My English husband never gets this asked of him, unless the conversation is relevant, like - which school you went to or what's your local pub.

Funny that. I never get asked here, as I have a local accent, but my husband does. When we are in Moscow, he never gets asked where he's from, but I do.

You're of course entitled to feel how you feel, but I do think you are being unreasonable.

silvercuckoo · 02/08/2019 16:51

@Winterlife
2 roubles a day would actually be equivalent to a newly qualified teacher's or nurse's daily wage in that era (around 2.50-2.70). Even socialist economy doesn't work like that, and his family probably would have noticed that their 8 year old is bringing in almost a full adult wage (especially as options to spend the money were extremely limited even for adults - and non-existent for a child).

Winterlife · 02/08/2019 17:22

I just asked him, and he said it was 1 ruble, 20 kopecks. That's what he was paid. He said it was a lot of money - a loaf of bread was 16 kopeks. A teacher at that time was paid between 39 and 70 rubles per month.

He wasn't doing this every day. It was once, at most, twice a week. He and his cousin would usually buy treats with the money.

But thank you for calling me a liar. Much appreciated.

You obviously never lived in the USSR. There was plenty to spend money on, until the mid 1980's.