Overbearing PIL

[username302020]

Hi everyone. Long time user & poster, changed username for this post. Please, bare with me, this will be quite long, trying my best to keep it short.

I have been thinking for a while to post about this it's just I never got round to do it and this is a very sensitive topic for me.

I've been with my partner for 2 years now and we're due to get married next year in July.

His parents are overbearing and my partner doesn't do/say anything, which has made us have TERRIBLE fights and even making me wonder if I should go ahead with marriage or not.

I'll start by saying that we visit them for 3 days every 1.5 months or so. MIL also come twice a year for a week, she relaxes most of the time, doesn't offer her help with anything and makes a mess out of our house(her house is disgusting)

I'll give some examples, I'm ready to told IABU, if this is the case, I don't feel like I am too rational:

• FIL every single time we go there tells me "you've gained weight". For the record I was a size 8, I quit smoking and now I'm a size 10. This is a very sensitive subject for me (weight)

-Pretty much everything I say to my DP is taken as an offence by my MIL who says "don't upset my son" -They make unnanounced visits and he's fine with it -They have a key to our house -They try to interfere in the wedding even though they are not contributing at all -They make rude jokes towards me -They ask very personal questions -MIL wants to be called by me 2-3 times a week -If they are told something they start crying

Completely not relevant but my DP has a brother who lives in the same city as them and him and her wife are constantly fighting about the fact that he drives her everywhere (even hundreds of miles) and sees her everyday. She offers them money/gifts constantly and paid a considerable amount to their wedding (to make it clear, we don't need their money but they haven't offered!)

My problem is that I believe that my future husband should set some clear boundaries which is clearly doesn't happen and defends them all the time, whatever they do/say, which as I said, creates incredible tension in our relationship.

What would you do? I really don't know how to handle it anymore.

Thanks

Red flag #1. OP: you posted Do we have the same guy? Is the bastard married too?

These men seem so similar because there seems to be a set pattern of behaviour emanating from abusive people (and make no mistake about it, that's what he is). There's a script for this kind of thing. I also thoroughly recommend Forward's 'Toxic In-Laws' - when you start reading this book the pattern will become clear to you. Those of us who have locked horns with abusive types before can spot this pattern a mile away, which is likely the reason you've received mainly unanimous advice on this thread. We all wish we could have seen the reality of the situation before the scales fell from our eyes, and for many of us there have been many years of angst lost in the process.

The second red flag that YOU are in therapy to work upon your character faults - the fault of short temper being hardly bloody surprising when you've having to negotiate BS like this on anything like a regular basis.

Re-read the sort of things you're writing in your updates, OP. You feel bad about yourself, and feel you're not worthy of another, better relationship. That you won't find anyone else. That because his parents see fit to treat you appallingly then you must somehow be the one at fault, and should be in therapy. And you've internalized these negative messages about yourself. From a detached outsider's perspective, the obvious deduction is that two years spent with this man have already shattered your confidence and self-esteem. Can you picture what this might be like when you've been with him 10 years? 20?

I know people currently trot out the word 'gaslighting' so often that it's becoming something of a cliche - but things become cliches for a reason. It's a frighteningly common, and particularly insidious form of abuse. And from your own posts, there's no mistaking that gaslighting is precisely the right word for your partner's behaviour.

You're also 'afraid' - understandably so - of cancelling the wedding. That fear alone speaks for itself. What's the worst thing you fear will happen? And consider, the meagre humiliation of a cancelled wedding is a small price to pay as an investment in the security of your future life.

It can take a long time for a person immersed in this kind of situation to see this as it is. That moment when you stop short and think: 'this isn't actually about me. It's about you', is painful. But it's liberating. As is the realization that people like this don't change (other than to get worse) and the only person whose behaviour you can control is your own.

Don't marry him, OP.

Knowing that you are upset isn't the same as accepting it OP.

Your DP knows you are upset but instead of accepting this and responding to you, he judges that you are 'too sensitive' or that his parents have a point. He is invalidating your response. A loving partner would accept your feelings - regardless of whether you 'should' be feeling them.

You have a DP problem and marriage is likely to make this much worse. Can you really live like this - not even second best to the man you should be first to.

Save 1000s by cancelling the wedding and losing your deposit. ( It will be money well lost.)

I've been married for 26 years. Both my PIL are now deceased. But the relationship was very difficult. MIL was a narcissist and FIL was a man with no backbone who would not stand up to her. She was unreasonable and personally nasty for no reason. My DH was an only child who found it hard to stand up to them. One day he did, telling them they were unfair and unkind (long story) and although the relationship was still there, we saw them less. Still had them for Christmas and saw them once every 2 weeks etc. I cared for her when she was ill and when she died FIL went in a home (dementia) and we visited him each week.
When FIL died we found out my DH had been written out of the will and it all went to our DC. Unfortunately for PIL, there was a technicality which meant the will failed and so my DH got everything.
He would much rather have had parents who were nice people.

OP, I think you are going to stay with this guy. You think he will change, or that they will. I'm not sure what type of lawyer you are, but if it's family or divorce then surely you can read your story and the comments made here subjectively and know that this is a big mistake and you need to get out?

Who proposed? What did the PIL say at the time?

@SorryDidISayThatOutLoud not a family lawyer no, but I'm obviously well aware of the implications

WEIRDLY, They were always keen on our marriage, this is one of the reasons we fought before the proposal (he proposed) because MIL kept asking when's the wedding (I found out from SIL that the only reason she was insisting upon this was that she wanted to still be young-she's freaking 60).

And now they keep asking for a niece; because they want a girl in the family.

They're bloody delusional

OP these type of families always want their sons to marry lawyers. They'll want you to work yourself into the ground and try to bleed you dry, while doing very little themselves. If you have children and go part-time, you'll never hear the end of it. Your role is to make them look good and give up your money and independence for the dubious privilege of doing so.

Jesus imagine if you have a little girl with him? She’ll be in their gang before you know it. “Mamma loves you so much, bad mummy won’t let you have this, let’s keep it our little secret”

And your husband telling you to be grateful they love the baby so much, and want to be there for you to help (take over)

Get out now, whilst you still can. Scary, but not as scary as your future with this man.

I honestly thought there will be AT LEAST one person to tell me they're his parents and I need to love them and respect them

They're hard to love too

They 're hard to love because they are not lovable people. And you have to earn respect. It is not automatic.These people are just vile. They do not deserve love or respect. They do not love or respect you. Your so called DP does not love or respect you. If he did he would stand up for you.

You can do better than this OP. You are worth much better than them. Do yourself a huge favour and call off the wedding. It doesn't matter about the money.Your long term happiness and good mental health is much more important.

Other details come back to me.

Please keep in mind that we're not talking money here.

Every year, before Christmas, they need to come for 3 days to "bring the gifts". Thankfully, we're not spending Christmas with them as they're quite far so we're going there for Easter. So they come to bring the gifts. Each and every single year an Avon perfum (I had no idea that they still existed) and some ugly ass pyjamas. Which is okay, tacky, as she is. But let me tell ya all what I found out my SIL got for her birthday this year: the equivalent of £250

As for DP, I haven't heard of him today

As for DP, I haven't heard of him today

No, I don't suppose you have. He's punishing you, you see, for having the temerity to disagree with him, and might even arrive later wondering if you've "got over your silly outburst" and saying "your therapist should be doing more and he hopes you're listening to them properly"

Now pause to imagine what he'd be like if you'd made a lifetime commitment to him

@Puzzledandpissedoff I'm shocked how a complete stranger to me can "guess" the reality of my life. I guess this means this is really obvious and I'm avoiding to see the truth that's in front of my eyes.

I had a talk to myself and I decided I'll wait a couple of days, let this sink in, have my next appointment with my therapist (Thursday) and then take a rational decision, not in the heat or the moment.

I now feel ANGRY and BETRAYED

Don't contact him. He's waiting for you to crack and beg for forgiveness. Start looking for your new apartment. When you have your last almighty row, you'll have somewhere to go.

@PanamaPattie I didn't contact him. I'll just let him be. If it comes to this I can go to my mum's, she has 2 spare bedrooms, so this is definitely not a problem. And she lives 15 mins away by car

1. You should not pay fifty-fifty if he earns more than you. You should pay proportionate to your income. I.E; if you earn 30 percent of what he makes, then you should pay 30 percent of the living expenses. And remember, women are already penalized because of the way the world is. Do not get married unless he makes you a co-owner of the house.
2. Gray-rock the parents. Be as non-reactive as possible. Know what you will not be willing to engage in. "This is not a topic for me." "I am not interested in this subject." "I prefer to discuss other matters." "Let's move on to discuss more pleasant things." "I don't find this way of talking pleasant--let's discuss something else." "That comment was not enjoyable to me so let us speak of other matters."

I now feel ANGRY and BETRAYED

Good

I'm sorry in a way because I know very well how uncomfortable this feels, but betrayed is exactly what you're being and angry is exactly how you should be feeling - and it's only when you come to terms with this that action can follow

And strangers "guessing the reality of your life" perhaps isn't really so surprising, when you remember that many of us have been there. We might not know the exact make, but by heck we know the model ...

OP, why don't you just go stay with your mum for a few days? Don't say it has anything to do with him or his family, just say it's to spend quality time with your mum. This will give you some breathing space, discuss it with your mum if you wish but just get away from your familiar set up so you can get some perspective. As I said before, its bearable but not ideal with support from you DP, it is not sustainable without.

Im glad you are financially sound. No matter what you decide to do I hope things work out the best for you.

I now feel ANGRY and BETRAYED

You hold onto that, OP. That's the real you, feeling your real feelings.
Not the "calm" you who "has to have" counselling because she has what your DP & PiL's call 'anger management for her issues' - i.e. what non-barking folk call 'a perfectly rational response to being constantly undermined & criticised'.

Hold tight until your see your counsellor on Thursday - no sudden movements til then! Do not discuss this with your DP - these are your private thoughts for your counsellor only.

PPs have made some stonking observations, I am looking at you, Puzzled, MarielVan Arkle & Pinkrose. OP, please re-read them, & PLEASE print this thread out & take it to your counselling session. THIS is what your counselling is for - for YOU. Your counselling is NOT there to make you more compliant around your DP & PiLs, which they have brainwashed you into thinking is required.

Stay steady & keep your head down until you can see your counsellor on Thursday. It's an awful lot to take in ... (been there) & when the realisation hits it can feel like standing on top of a landslide. Be kind to yourself & take on board the posts pointing out how much you have been ground down to accept poor behaviour & replace your anger with self-blame over the past 2 years.

You have a career, & enough resource to buy a new home. You do not need & certainly do not deserve this grief, frustration & suffocating control in your life.

@username302020 OP, I’m responding to your cheap gifts post. Omg! Exactly the same here. SIL used to send DD plates and spoons for birthdays. They expect proper presents though.

@Pinkrose13 just dumbfounded

@Pinkrose13 oh of course they expect proper presents. FIL says he wants a new bottle of perfume, paintings, etc. I don't pay anymore, though.

You need to ho and stay with your mum tonight. Just go!

Go not ho

Not unreasonable at all! And wait until there are grandchildren!!!! Some of the frustrations you experience now will become 10 times worst :(
It will help if DP sets the boundaries and if not, you'll have to accept your in-laws for who they are in order to have some kind of relationship with them, as grandparents are special to grandchildren. Good luck!

They sound like freaks. He's got no spine. Why'd you want to marry into that?