Overbearing PIL

[username302020]

Hi everyone. Long time user & poster, changed username for this post. Please, bare with me, this will be quite long, trying my best to keep it short.

I have been thinking for a while to post about this it's just I never got round to do it and this is a very sensitive topic for me.

I've been with my partner for 2 years now and we're due to get married next year in July.

His parents are overbearing and my partner doesn't do/say anything, which has made us have TERRIBLE fights and even making me wonder if I should go ahead with marriage or not.

I'll start by saying that we visit them for 3 days every 1.5 months or so. MIL also come twice a year for a week, she relaxes most of the time, doesn't offer her help with anything and makes a mess out of our house(her house is disgusting)

I'll give some examples, I'm ready to told IABU, if this is the case, I don't feel like I am too rational:

• FIL every single time we go there tells me "you've gained weight". For the record I was a size 8, I quit smoking and now I'm a size 10. This is a very sensitive subject for me (weight)

-Pretty much everything I say to my DP is taken as an offence by my MIL who says "don't upset my son" -They make unnanounced visits and he's fine with it -They have a key to our house -They try to interfere in the wedding even though they are not contributing at all -They make rude jokes towards me -They ask very personal questions -MIL wants to be called by me 2-3 times a week -If they are told something they start crying

Completely not relevant but my DP has a brother who lives in the same city as them and him and her wife are constantly fighting about the fact that he drives her everywhere (even hundreds of miles) and sees her everyday. She offers them money/gifts constantly and paid a considerable amount to their wedding (to make it clear, we don't need their money but they haven't offered!)

My problem is that I believe that my future husband should set some clear boundaries which is clearly doesn't happen and defends them all the time, whatever they do/say, which as I said, creates incredible tension in our relationship.

What would you do? I really don't know how to handle it anymore.

Thanks

Good news in theory about your assets, username302020, but unless he's completely stupid rather than simply a manipulative pig I doubt he'd take the smash and grab approach

Much more likely is that he'll wear you down until you're prepared to part with what's yours as the price of keeping him happy ... and before saying "that wouldn't ever happen", maybe look again at the self-doubting views you've already developed

You would be mad to marry him and consider having children when you're not and are already having these boundary issues.

It doesn't even matter what anyone here thinks is an appropriate amount of time for visiting, house keys etc... It's a red flag that you're not comfortable yet your "partner" won't discuss accommodating you. He doesn't have your back.
The relationship board here is filled with women 5 years down the line in relationships like this, and the resentment and pushing boundaries is often worse down the line...

@Puzzledandpissedoff Hopefully I will be a shark as I am with my clients and my lawyer brain doesn't leave me if worse comes to worst🤦‍♀️ I do feel quite dumb, really.

I'll have one final talk with him today and then I'll do "as I wish".

I'll have one final talk with him today and then I'll do "as I wish".

And when you cancel the wedding, just tell people, "He's not the man I thought he was."

With the wedding being a year away, you may be able to get some of your money back.

@Ellie56 unfortunately all contracts say you're not getting your deposits back.

I'm so sorry you've been treated so badly OP. I RTWT and it just got worse with every page. Your fiancee is very much under his parents spell. He doesn't respect your views or feelings, his default is to defer to them and their point of view. They are his priority. He expects you to fall in line with this thinking and lifestyle without question. Think about how this will be once you're married, and when children come along. I couldnt live like that. I couldn't have my children living like that. In your position I would draw a huge red line under this today and move on. Sod the money!! Your happiness and sanity are more important. You are in a fortunate position with finances and work in that you can just walk out of the door and not look back. Do it now! It will be hard, of course. But in 6 months time you'll look back with a sigh of relief and thank the stars you're free!!

@username302020 From what you wrote, it seems his parents and maybe your dh have NPD. Run away NOW.
I know, sometimes he's lovely, and you're hoping he'll get better and you could be a lovely couple, just like what it was at first... Won't happen. Ever.

And in the meantime, don't let anything they tell you get to you.
Them : You put on weight.
You : OK.
Them : Call us 3 times a week.
You: OK. (but don't do it.)

Do not justify yourself. Ever. Never say anything that starts with "because". Just say "OK".

• Why are you not calling 3 times a week ?
• I just won't.
• Why ?
• [silence].

You have the possibility to buy your own flat, so do it.

Also, don't beat yourself up. Yes, you feel dumb for letting that happen to you, and it's normal. They break your self-esteem, they make you doubt, they make you feel crazy and stupid. It's their fault, not yours. And you are not dumb. They are bad people.

Hope that helps :)

@Mushroomparty thanks for your kindness.

My self esteem has always been pretty low but this doesn't help.
Hopefully therapy will help see myself with different eyes.

I think I'll start using the standard "did you mean to be so rude?"in the meantime

Imagine when you have children. Oh god - just Imagine. Run. Don’t walk. It’s a mistake to marry him. Run fast.

I do feel quite dumb, really

No reason to feel dumb; clearly you realise this just isn't right or you wouldn't have posted, and "dumb" would be coming to terms with this horror and still going ahead with the marriage

BTW I liked Ellie's suggestion of using "He's not the man I thought he was" if anyone questions what you're doing. No need to disclose any more than you want to, when you want to - and with a year to go I think you'll find folk will forget about it pretty fast

@username302020

"I think I'll start using the standard "did you mean to be so rude?"grinin the meantime"

I'd be careful with this kind of comeback, because that could back fire. If you say that, they will respond that you're too sensitive or have no sens of humour. They might even say that you're the one being rude.
They're hoping you will react. They want you to react. If you don't, they will hate it because they'll understand they have no control over you. That's why I'm suggesting you just say "OK".
I know you want to hurt them or make them feel bad/guilty about what they say, but it won't work. They will always have a reason to have a go at you.

I've been in your situation, and I always tried to have a comeback to the nasty stuff that was told to me. Never worked.

Utterly horrid people.
If there was the slightest possibility that they would be my parents in law I would not be seeing this man.
Just make some plans to leave, then leave.
Save yourself years of strife. Find a nice bloke with nice parents.

she says things that he never hears even though he's sat right there....because I'm the only one who seems to get hurt
The results of gaslighting - it never happened and the problem lies with you.
He's even convinced you to believe that you need therapy because the correct response is 'wrong'

I told him to get the key back but she knows it's his house and I don't seem to have any right....We had this talk too and he said that the budget WILL BE joint after the wedding
He's always going top keep you on the backfoot.
As the higher earner he will always use this to his advantage and claim to have more 'rights' when it comes to joint decisions/assets.
If he gives you access to any of 'his' money then you can bet he will expect you to account for every last penny and watch what you spend, whilst at the same time retaining veto powers over your decisions.
He'll use 'fairness/equality' to get you to part with all/majority of your finances in the 'joint' budget/decisions.

i've never met the man and i can tell his type already.
There are better men out there OP.

From my experience I would walk away from your situation. I have difficult in-laws specifically my SIL who seemed to think from the moment I married her db, I would be her best friend who would worship the ground she walks on and share everything! She isn't even that close to her db. My dh and I have a united front in trying to keep his parents and sister at bay, all of whom take turns in being completely irrational but otherwise ok. We don't argue about it as my dh knows exactly what they are like and agrees they are bat shit crazy at times. I have a good relationship with them but this is due a lot to myself having to turn the other cheek and breathing deeply a lot and turning some of the experiences into good stories to laugh at with my friends. My dh has given up talking to them all about their behaviour as none of them recognise that their own behaviour is out of order yet they see it in others so my SIL will complain very loudly about her parents but thinks that she is the bees knees etc. Even my children are aware that they can be nuts and incredibly selfish. I would say that I have to deal with an 'episode' every two months and despite our united front, it does take a toll energy and emotionally wise. My dh has to deal with no episodes from my own family. In fact my mum has a key to our house but it has never been an issue.
OP, if you are having problems with your in-laws before you get married it generally only gets worse. There were times after I had my children, my SIL thought it meant they were her children too, and she would go around saying how they took after her and they got this from her, and she would answer questions directed at me e.g, 'yes they get up twice in the night' etc. Her info was largely wrong as she wasn't there!!!! And more importantly if your partner does not support you or at least take your concerns on board, you will find yourself isolated pretty quickly and constantly at the mercy of your PIL's wishes. Good luck whatever you decide.

I am a bit overwhelmed by the comments as I honestly thought there will be AT LEAST one person to tell me they're his parents and I need to love them and respect them. I'm trying to mentally process what's going on and stop denying it

Loving and respecting them does not mean accepting this behaviour!

They're hard to love too

I honestly think you need to go. You've said you can buy a property outright, just do it. If you stay too long they will wear you down and make you ill. Your partner isn't really a partner at all, he doesn't seem to show you any respect, I think he'll probably find all future girlfriends will run for the hills when they meet his mother and then he'll end up alone but that's his problem not yours. Go and live your life how you want, with the people you want and you will find somebody who will treat you properly

Sorry you're in this situation OP. Hopefully you can work it out with all the helpful comments. It's hard to leave someone but maybe ask yourself if you see yourself living like this for the next 20 to 30 years? And if you have kids with you dh no doupt his family will interfer even more. Maybe cancelling the wedding and moving on isn't such a bad option. Good luck.

Every single person who has posted has given you the same advise. I really hope, for your sake, you don't ignore it. I guarantee a few years down the road you'll wish you had listened.

Oh and if your worried about the money already spent, offer to pay back your share and then they can't hold that over you and change your contact number so they can't harass you

This reminds me of something I read (sorry, can't remember where). It was used as an example of common ways people think they're acting rationally, but actually if you think about it, it doesn't really make sense. The example was getting half-way through a shit book or film and thinking that you should finish it because otherwise you'll have wasted all of that time that you've spent reading it so far. But actually, if you continue to read, you'll just have wasted twice the amount of time!

So what I'm getting at here is, maybe you should just write off the investment you've made in the relationship so far and NOT WASTE ANY MORE on it!!

I'm trying to mentally process what's going on and stop denying it

Perfectly natural, but please be aware things could get thorny if he realises you're starting to break away. As with all abusers your role is to put up and shut up, and they don't tend to appreciate losing control

Luckily you're in a financial position to start a new life with no need for his input and no remaining ties - best, perhaps, to keep arrangements close to your chest until everything's in place?