Overbearing PIL

[username302020]

Hi everyone. Long time user & poster, changed username for this post. Please, bare with me, this will be quite long, trying my best to keep it short.

I have been thinking for a while to post about this it's just I never got round to do it and this is a very sensitive topic for me.

I've been with my partner for 2 years now and we're due to get married next year in July.

His parents are overbearing and my partner doesn't do/say anything, which has made us have TERRIBLE fights and even making me wonder if I should go ahead with marriage or not.

I'll start by saying that we visit them for 3 days every 1.5 months or so. MIL also come twice a year for a week, she relaxes most of the time, doesn't offer her help with anything and makes a mess out of our house(her house is disgusting)

I'll give some examples, I'm ready to told IABU, if this is the case, I don't feel like I am too rational:

• FIL every single time we go there tells me "you've gained weight". For the record I was a size 8, I quit smoking and now I'm a size 10. This is a very sensitive subject for me (weight)

-Pretty much everything I say to my DP is taken as an offence by my MIL who says "don't upset my son" -They make unnanounced visits and he's fine with it -They have a key to our house -They try to interfere in the wedding even though they are not contributing at all -They make rude jokes towards me -They ask very personal questions -MIL wants to be called by me 2-3 times a week -If they are told something they start crying

Completely not relevant but my DP has a brother who lives in the same city as them and him and her wife are constantly fighting about the fact that he drives her everywhere (even hundreds of miles) and sees her everyday. She offers them money/gifts constantly and paid a considerable amount to their wedding (to make it clear, we don't need their money but they haven't offered!)

My problem is that I believe that my future husband should set some clear boundaries which is clearly doesn't happen and defends them all the time, whatever they do/say, which as I said, creates incredible tension in our relationship.

What would you do? I really don't know how to handle it anymore.

Thanks

@KC225 at the "if you're confused we should get you tested"

I thought about this too, but if I do it I raise Hell. I never call them, I don't visit, I must be Satan!

I wonder if we live in the same country

They live three hours away? WHY in heck do they have keys then??

@Cheeserton plus the shame of having announced the wedding

Just stop wrestling with these pigs, they enjoy it, it's their thing, it's what they're good at
You don't want to live the life of a pig do you?
walk away

@Cheeserton because they can. I wish I could take her key

So they literally have a key for no reason? Ugh. Get it back, pronto!

As for the shame of announcing the wedding, I understand. However, again, it's NOTHING compared to condemning yourself to a lifetime of stress and misery. Sod everyone else here, you need to look after you.

@Cheeserton I told him to get the key back but she knows it's his house and I don't seem to have any right.

I'm so afraid of cancelling the wedding, especially that we paid so much money for it

And how do you feel about the financial and emotional mess that marriage to him could involve ... ?

I recognise the "I'm not good enough to find anyone nice" only too well, except I now know this is also the result of the ongoing abuse. Hopefully you can mention this to your therapist too, who'll no doubt help you to realise exactly what's going on

OP, if you’re fretting about the money “wasted” so far on the wedding - think of it as the ransom you’re paying for your freedom. However much it is, it’s well worth losing it in exchange for the rest of your life free from these ghastly people and their shitshow.
I’d urge you to have some counselling, aimed at building your self esteem, assertiveness training, and establishing strong boundaries.
Please don’t embark on any new relationships until you’ve done this, or you may just repeat the pattern and pick another abuser.
You’re a normal, lovable person, and you deserve the normal loving partner who is out there in your future waiting for you, somewhere - you just need the correct mindset to find him. Good luck!

Don't marry him. He's badly brought up and clearly condones this sort of behaviour. It will only get worse with familiarity once you get married and likely your partner will get worse too. They just don't sound like very nice people - why would you want to become emeshed with them? How does it benefit you to put up with that?

@Puzzledandpissedoff Separate finances, which is also a red flag for me, but I accepted it because I have my own money and I'm comfortable on my own. We had this talk too and he said that the budget WILL BE joint after the wedding

On the morning of my wedding I told my father when we were alone in the house waiting for the car that I wasn't really sure I wanted to go ahead with it. He immediately said it was cancelled if that's what I wanted, that he'd go on to the chapel & let people know, they'd all be able to just have the meal anyway & was so anxious for me. I ended up saying it was probably just pre-wedding nerves & I couldn't disrupt everything at such a late stage. He told me that was unimportant & he'd take care of it all if I wanted to call it off. Not calling it off was the biggest mistake of my life. If there's ONE thing I could change in my life it's that. Don't make the same mistake, you deserve better.

I told him to get the key back but she knows it's his house and I don't seem to have any right.
I don't understand. What's HIS justification for her needing the key to your house?

@Cheeserton plus the shame of having announced the wedding

Its not your shame. Its their shame. Make it clear the reason for cancelling is because their behaviour isn't good enough, that they have behavioural problems and aren't well brought up.

Trust me hop over to the relationships and divorce threads.
This marriage if it happens is not likely to survive.Think very very carefully.

@Cheeserton no justification whatsoever. She had the key when he bought the place because I think she was round here when renovations were being made and he never asked for the key back

So why won't he get it back? What does he say on that?

@Cheeserton nothing, as usual. He won't ask for the key back, that's for sure. He doesn't see any reason to do so. For all I know she could decide to "surprise us" some day.

Run run run before it’s a few years down the line and you’re arguing with the PIL about children. Or he decides it’d be nice to live closer to his parents. Or you end up murdering each other.

Walk away now, while you have the means and strength. He will never take your side. Children will make it harder for you to walk away later. I know as I'm stuck. His parents won't change - I'm seen as the evil DIL. Run for the hills!

I have my own money and I'm comfortable on my own ... he said that the budget WILL BE joint after the wedding

Translation: he has no intention of giving you anything of his, materially or emotionally, but he'd make darned sure to take whatever's yours if you were foolish enough to marry him

@Puzzledandpissedoff thankfully the property that I own and my savings are considered my assets because I got them before marriage (trust me, I'm a lawyer😎) so no way in he can do this. At least this.

Forgot to say - if you don't get a say in anything when it's come to who has keys...etc. stop paying half and start saving to run away xx

Sorry OP, but if he won't respect your concerns whatsoever, and it's already caused huge fights over the two years, you need to stop this. He's completely blind to your side of this and is happy to see his parents treat you like crap. This will not change. End it before it's too late.

@Mikki77 I can afford to buy a flat outright tomorrow and have quite a lot in savings, this is by no means a problem. I also work full time.