To feel disappointed with mum re childcare

[RubyPurple]

I have a really, really difficult baby. Essentially a high needs baby who cries most of the time and rarely content. My husband works in a high pressured job and is often travelling. I have friends whose mothers or MILs help out when they’re going through a difficult time with babies.

My mum and MIL have never really offered to help except for the week after my son was born. They are both SAHM themselves so no jobs but my my mum visits my elderly gran every day for an hour or two and my father in law has anxiety and is quite dependent on MIL so that’s why they say they can’t help. I felt like it was unreasonable to expect anything from anyone but today my health visitor saw how difficult my son was and said I really need someone to take him for a little bit during the weekdays as it’s too much for me to cope with every day (I’ve got PND and getting that sorted now). Our friends and siblings seem surprised that despite having both sets of parents near us we have such little support. I try to understand things from their point of view as they have their own issues and obligations but I do feel a little sad about it. If they each offered to come around for two or three hours during the week it would be so helpful. When I think that then sometimes I wonder if I’m being unreasonable to expect anything from them?

OP - my first baby was like yours and it was absolute hell. I was absolutely tiny by the time she was 5 months old because I hadn’t sat down in 5 months - she would only be held and be moving. I don’t think there was actually anything wrong with her (although we went down the reflux treatment route and also I cut out all dairy), but my god, that child could cry endlessly. She slowly improved between 3 and 6 months, and got dramatically better as she got more mobile. She walked at 9 months old and honestly was just the most delightful toddler you could ever meet - endlessly energetic, but so happy with life and herself. At 9 years old, she is still endlessly energetic, and definitely on the dramatic side - but enthusiastic and positive about everything. It took me a while to have a second and he was her polar opposite, the happiest and most chilled baby, but the grumpiest toddler ever lol!

Do whatever you need to do through these tough early months, I wouldn’t think twice about hiring help.

Xx

@Wishihad my gran has careers 4 times a day every day of the week ... she is not mobile enough to go to the bathroom or make food but she is otherwise pretty great to be honest. She isn’t going anywhere anytime soon ... company is Defno helpful for her mental health, I go once a week to nans two of my cousins do the same and my dad and aunts and uncles all visit more regularly ... but if my daughter had pnd ( having had it ) I would drop at least one day a week in mums position ( depending on circumstances of mother I am sure ) to help out a few hours ... I was almost ready to jump of a cliff to end the awful darkness that pnd depression gave me .. it’s a awful place to be.

That being said the hiring help is a great plan ... if your mum doesn’t like the idea she is the solution if she can’t then she needs to be part of the new solution and get in board your idea x

Maybe the gran was trying to take the pressure off her daughter as she felt split both ways?

That being said it’s nice you grab is fine to be seen every other day and perhaps on of those spare days should be your mums too x

@RubyPurple i am so glad you are getting experienced help for you both.

I would see the paed again and yes ask to try an amino formula like Neocate, EleCare andEnfamil Puramino. No harm no foul.

@RubyPurple
○ Neocate LCP
○ Neocate Syneo - has Pre and Probiotics
○ Nutramigen Puramino
○ Similac Alimentum
○ SMA Alfamino

Your baby. You know best.
You know you need help. You’ve asked family and it’s not up to the job. Pay for what you need.
Anything you do differently to another mothers parenting style will be met with a bit of disapproval, they didn’t use paid childcare so feel you doing it is saying they made the wrong call. Utter bullshit. You know you and your baby best.
Pnd is a vile illness I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Having said that I’ve met some of my favourite people at support groups for pnd who I’m still close to many years later. You’re not suffering alone. You can do this

OP I hope you will stick to your decision to get paid help.
It sounds as if you are relying too much on the opinions and advice of your DM and MiL. You need to find a way to meet other mums - not easy with a crying baby but could you do what one poster suggested and find another mum with a similar baby, to go out for walks together?
Could you manage not to tel your DM and MiL that you are getting paid help? At least in advance. And if they criticise, say to them angrily that you have to turn to strangers because you're not getting any help from your own family. You may have to practice your angry voice at home in front of the mirror several times.

Ffs she doesn't need to be angry with them! Just say she felt it was the best way. Paid help will be available a lot more than getting the mums to do it anyway. Crikey what is it with some mners always trying to promote negativity and tit for tat.

@Nomorechickens I would love to meet other mums like me. Someone mentioned PND support groups above. My HV didn’t mention anything like that locally but I’ll try to look it up

Would a young nanny who has looked after a similar baby be ok or should I really be looking at someone more experienced?

Look for a maternity nurse. I think you need someone experienced.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP, I've been where you are with my DS (now 2) and it was extremely tough. I remember reading the Sears high needs baby book and recognising my son in their descriptions, and feeling relief flood my body as I realised it wasn't just him.

I was so isolated in the end because we had to give up every baby class and I couldn't meet with my NCT group as my son would scream blue murder whilst their babies sat sweetly/just dropped off to sleep in their prams as they sat around drinking coffee. My son detested the car seat, sling, pram.

At home he could just about handle a baby bouncer and our glider rocking chair was my sanity-inducer, we would sit for hours on it. I can't bear to part with it even now. I found podcasts a godsend, some parenting ones but also some funny ones.

My mum did help a bit but had a huge project at the time and lived 200 miles away which meant help was limited. My FIL was dying (son was 6m when he died) and this meant my MIL needed mine/DH's help rather than anything the other way. She didn't understand how tricky things were and still makes comments now about me not bringing DS to the hospice enough. It was a 1.5 hour journey each way, I couldn't even take DS on a ten minute journey in the car without full on screaming. I don't think she will ever forgive me for not being there enough when 'off on maternity leave doing nothing'

My little boy is two now and genuinely the light of my life. He is funny, interested in everything and adores all the classes and activities we jam into each week. His behaviour is brilliant (when out and about at least, somewhat more testing at home, in a typical two year old way!). One thing I read in the high needs baby book was that these babies can have some brilliant traits and good communicating skills. My DS has amazing language and communication skills now, people are often commenting on it. I like to think he just didn't like being a baby and has become increasingly happier since becoming mobile and able to articulate his requests, needs and feelings.

I hope you start to see some changes in your ds. I agree with pp on the outside support, I felt so much better when I got some time without screaming and could just drive the car without feeling terrified and traumatised in equal measure.

Be kind to yourself OP. This will pass. It might not feel like it right now, but it will.

I had a dream first baby and ironically terrible PND. Really looked forward to baby 2 and it was exactly how you described. She screamed constantly. She was constipated and refluxy but absolutely nothing helped. She got better around 8 months. I know this isn't what you want to hear but just to support that it isn't you. It isn't baby either. Babies are just different!! If you see in a financial position then either pay for more paed investigations or pay for help. Please remember that other people's babies seem better because you don't have an emotional attachment to them! That's how it would be for a nanny or nursery. Even if they are screaming or crying they don't have the panic of why or what am I doing wrong. They know it's just the baby. You need to look after you. So long as baby is safe and comfortable then you need to prioritise you.
💐 For you. Be brave. You can do this. I did. X

It might feel now like you need an army of ninja nanny’s on hand but in reality you’ll probably be fine with a nice young (lots of patience and energy) au pair to take baby a couple of hours a day, or a few times a week.

Think you’ll be surprised how far it goes when you’re running on empty x

Sorry not much advise in the way of you getting help from mum or MIL but have you tried putting baby in a sling or carrier?
My little one was sometimes a pain and I'd just put him in a carrier and get on with what I had to do. Sometimes they just want to be held or close to you. Not sure how old baby is but I'm presuming fairly young

@superfudge it’s good to hear that others have been through it and got through it! When did he get better?

@RubyPurple I thought it might help, it can be a lonely place. Feel free to PM anytime.

There were significant improvements when he was able to sit up, play with objects and move himself around. He still hated the car but was happier at home (screaming bouts ended), he would go in the sling (happier facing out) and the pram, sitting up. I remember getting the train to London when he was about six months with him and it being fine, previously I would not have dared to do that.

I dont know if you've tried the magic baby hold? That worked quite well for us in the screamy evenings. I would pace i a dimly lit room holding him like that listening to music.

Lovely gran! but I still think that you'd be better getting in a professional at this point. Also take note of the advice MNP has given - she knows what she's talking about. xx

Have you told your GP that the Omeprazole didn’t work? My DS had silent reflux - I had to insist as my HV said he didn’t because he ‘wasn’t being sick’. I had to explain to her that surely the ‘silent’ part of silent reflux was the difference, and he was bringing up acid into his throat but not actually being sick, but it burns their throat. He was given omeprazole, but after about a week I realised the granules weren’t dissolving properly in the milk and were getting stuck in the teat of the bottle. So I’d wasted a whole week waiting for it to work. I told the GP and he prescribed something else. Can’t remember what now, but worth going back and telling them if it’s not helped. If you don’t, they assume it’s worked. Keep going back and ask to see a paediatrician if they can’t get to the bottom of it. Meds finally worked for my Ds a few days later and then he grew out of it.
Also as others have said, if you can afford a nanny, even half a day a week, do it. If you’re not getting any help, they have no right to comment.

Kind of off topic (and I’ve not read the comments from others) but have you visited an osteopath that specialises in babies? Maybe that could help with the crying etc in case there is some alignment or digestive issues causing problems

You need to sit down with them, explain the situation and what the hv said and ask for help. If they then cone up with excuses you at least know you have two sets of unsupportive parents and will have to find other solutions, but at least when they ask for help you can say no with a clear heart

I have no help nearby (1 hour away minimum) so I know how you must however of find it more irritating to have someone close and then not support you. Even if they do your house work or other jobs to save you that chore. I’d pay for help if you can afford it, baby may be small but a little break will do you wonders - or snap your MIL or DM in to supporting a little

I had this exact same situation with my first DC op. Very high need reflux baby after traumatic birth. Mum not interested and expected to be waited on when she did show up. It was a kick in the teeth seeing the help all the other mums are getting from relatives.

They want to see them now they're easy at 13 and 10. But I needed the help then and it's left lasting damage on how I feel about both my parents. I was in a very dark place with pnd and they just wouldn't help.

YANBU. It's selfish.

I will never let my DD go through it. I hope I'm around to help her after dcs as much as she needs!

You mentioned that they could come to yours for a few hours? Is there any particular reason why you couldn’t bring the baby to them instead?

I think there’s a self entitlement in recent times where people think grandmothers should flock to the baby instead of babies and children being brought to the grandparents.

Maybe ask them if you brought the baby to then for a few hours because you need the help would they babysit?

I put my daughter into a crèche for a few hours a week at one point just to get a break. Maybe another idea.

My mother was like this. I had pnd and was struggling massively - then she openly suggested that I get out one morning a week for a change of scene - no help forthcoming, despite the fact that her circumstances meant that she could have physically done it if she had wanted to and she knew that I was uncomfortable leaving baby with a stranger. I had never really relied on my mother before - never asked very much of her - quite frankly she was not a good parent (won't go into detail) but my grandparents played a huge part in my childhood. My mother and I are now estranged and it is unlikely that I will be supporting my mother in her old age, so sometimes this rings true (but obviously I have backstory relating back to childhood).

Sorry, you don't have the support you need, I understand this entirely. DH and I are raising our 3 dcs alone without any help, I still get a pang of envy sometimes from seeing the hoards of grandparents at the school gate but I think it has made me quite resilient over time.

As someone has just mentioned, it is probably wise to get out of the house - go to toddler groups etc. Your health visitor can be a sounding board if nothing else, in some areas they have introduced a listening service I believe which would have helped me greatly. Also Panda support groups operate in some places too. Wishing you all the best.