To feel disappointed with mum re childcare

[RubyPurple]

I have a really, really difficult baby. Essentially a high needs baby who cries most of the time and rarely content. My husband works in a high pressured job and is often travelling. I have friends whose mothers or MILs help out when they’re going through a difficult time with babies.

My mum and MIL have never really offered to help except for the week after my son was born. They are both SAHM themselves so no jobs but my my mum visits my elderly gran every day for an hour or two and my father in law has anxiety and is quite dependent on MIL so that’s why they say they can’t help. I felt like it was unreasonable to expect anything from anyone but today my health visitor saw how difficult my son was and said I really need someone to take him for a little bit during the weekdays as it’s too much for me to cope with every day (I’ve got PND and getting that sorted now). Our friends and siblings seem surprised that despite having both sets of parents near us we have such little support. I try to understand things from their point of view as they have their own issues and obligations but I do feel a little sad about it. If they each offered to come around for two or three hours during the week it would be so helpful. When I think that then sometimes I wonder if I’m being unreasonable to expect anything from them?

But they DID care for OP and her OH at one point in their lives...

Don't think you are being unreasonable but they may equally feel like they've 'done their time' looking after you and don't want to look after lo's now that they are older and want to relax rather than look after a needy baby..
I'm just playing devil's advocate here....
I would say that you need some help though and if my ds was overwhelmed I'd be in there like a shot...but just pointing out the above x

At times I have felt like you op. My dm has been brilliant at times & downright horrid at others.

Recently she has been brilliant. I have 2 theories for why - either she has had a head transplant or I have been much clearer with her how much I have been struggling.

I suspect she hasn't helped more previously because she thought I was super woman. I have been really honest with her and asked for more help & she's been brilliant.

If that doesn't work could you afford a nanny or childminder for a couple of half days a week to give you a break?

Do you have a children's centre near you? They may be able to offer you some help or support too xx

@TriciaH87 fab idea!!!

I had one of these OP. When it’s your first it’s a real shock to the bloody system. He was fine for the first 10 days and then all of a sudden, constant crying, never settled, wouldn’t go in a pram, would scream till purple in the car. He would tolerate his dad for a little bit but would normally only settle on me. He was fully BF, never took a bottle no matter what I tried. He was up every hour at night, needed to he held for naps. At the time it felt like hell. I found myself wishing the bastard time away, and honestly fantasised about having to go into hospital for a break. It got so hard some times I’d swear I hated him and wanted him to go away.

I googled, we went to the docs, I tried pretty much everything for reflux, colic etc. Looking back there was naff all wrong with him. Some babies are just like this unfortunately, you just don’t get the warning. I swore blind I’d have no more. Not ever. No way would I put myself through that absolute torture again.

However at about 4.5 months DS changed literally over night one day. One morning I put him on his play mat to make toast and after 5 mins he wasn’t crying. I put a load on and he still wasn’t crying. I ate my toast and he still was sat there kicking away. I wouldn’t believe it. That was a turning point. There was then some ups and downs but by 6months it was a totally different experience. He’s 2 now and I look back and I can’t remember the early days, it literally has flown by. Although the first 4 months felt like years.

It can get better OP. This is only a small part of your life in the grand scheme of things and you will survive. Get paid help if you can afford it. Focus on getting help for your PND, and be kind to yourself. There will be an end and for context... DD is currently due in 10 weeks so clearly I wasn’t as scarred as I thought

I was in a similar situation with my first and had noone near by to help. My husband worked away a lot and I felt really desperate. My local nursery took babies from 3 months so I took him there 2 afternoons a week. At the time I felt guilty doing it, but looking back it really helped my mental health.

I've only read your OP so far but I just felt I wanted to say, I would help you if you're near me. I had PND and have no family so I understand how hard it can be.

In general terms I do agree that both your parents and in-laws could and should be helping you out more. However I don’t think you can briefly state in your OP that your husband has a busy full-on job and effectively absolve him of taking on any more childcare!

In your position my first course of action would be to see where he could do more of the hands-on parenting. Could he work from home one day a week, make a point of leaving the office 5pm exactly, or whatever fits in best with his line of work?

Also as you are contemplating paying for childcare and therefore have (some!) spare money as an alternative to this could your husband go part-time for 6 months. Though again is dependent on job, company etc.

I feel for you OP and all you others with similar experiences (especially the two sets of twins poster )
My parents moved hundreds of miles from me and my in-laws supported their own daughter and their feckless other son who had split from his partner but couldn't care for his own child. I was desperate at times and so envious of friends who had family support. It's wrong and I'm not proud but I don't feel any obligation to help my parents or in-laws now they need it.
Pay for help if you can. Don't feel guilty you deserve it and it will help you to enjoy the baby more when you're with them.

I haven’t read the whole thread so I do apologise in advance but I was wondering how old your little one was and what you think is up? My boy was like this for weeks and it was utterly horrendous but we got it sorted out in the end and he’s a different baby now.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to receive even an hour or two of help if you’re finding it difficult!

OP where in the world / country are you my lovely ?
If you are near me I will gladly help you out, my own newborn was a bloody screaming nightmare for weeks, I know what you’re going through and I too, had PND,
Is your own anxiety about baby crying making baby anxious do you think? They pick up on our moods, anxiety etc, try a more relaxed approach to baby if you haven’t already, bugger the housework ( I was told by my HV, if the house is a mess it shows baby is getting attention) I would be more than happy to help you out if you near me
Chin up you’re doing great 👍 x

There are nannies/Mother’s helps who are more than happy to work with families who have difficult kids. I think if you can afford outside help then you should just do it. You need help now, and it needs to be from someone who is there to focus on your child and you. Do not feel guilty about it - you are doing what is best for your child and for your mental health. X

I would start by looking for toddler and baby groups to attend - it’s so much easier once you feel less isolated by being around others mums with babies, and children are very good at distracting each other, especially once they become a bit more mobile. An experienced nanny or childminder wouldn’t mind a fussy child for a few hours a week- just ring around and see who might be available some available time locally. It helps for a child to have other adults in their life, and once it starts to work out with a ‘stranger’ your own parents might feel a little more confident about looking after him too. I hope you feel better soon 🌻

Hey OP

Your post has made me cry as it’s taken me back to where I have been. You are not alone.

My baby was very good but my OH had a massive breakdown after I had my son and we nearly split up.

My family was too far to help, my MIL told us she couldn’t help as she didn’t want to ruin her social life. When I told her what we were going through she told my OH that we choose to have a baby. I asked her to feed DS when he was a few weeks old as my c-section was infected and I was in pain. She refused and told me “no I might choke him”

My MIL And FIL were always helping my childless SIL- things like Driving an hour to drop her home, decorating her flat. Just to put this into context- it’s not like they couldn’t help us.

This put a massive strain on our marriage. My relationship with my OH changed and has never been the same. In fact- My relationship with everyone changed. Some days I sat and cried, other days I was angry. Other days I tried to justify why they couldn’t help.

A few years later I’ve come to the conclusion that these people were meant to be family. If they couldn’t be there for us in our time of need then what was their purpose.

Reach out to both parents, if they help them great. But if they don’t help build a network of other mums. Honestly these mums groups were my life line.

I know it feels hard now- but it does get easier. Be kind to yourself. Take each day at a time.

Xx

Bloody hell poor grandparents can't win over on gransnet we all get moaned at for hoping to spend more than an hour with our grandchildren. We do childcare for our gc but Dil did not let us near to start with just suits her know and as we are unlikely to see them otherwise we spend our days off caring for gc. Are they really aware of how difficult you are finding things (sorry not rtt) speak to them both and tell them how much you would value their input/help, see what happens. As others have posted sometimes support from toddler group etc can help as you realise you are not the only one. Maybe a good childminder could have him one morning a week to give you some respite (I know one that had been recommended to a parent in similar situation by health visitor it was such a relief for the mum and the cm was very professional. Also because she wasnt so emotionally involved she was able to settle child and not get stressed. Good luck, it does get easier

‘High needs baby’ I think that you are not coping (PND) rather than your baby having higher needs. Your anxiety and depression has a direct effect on your baby so I completely agree that you need help. Your MIL and mum sound like twats, why isn’t your husband helping out or hiring help? First you need to check your baby doesn’t have reflux and then you need to hire someone to help you before you go completely mad. Have you joined any local mums groups for support? I think you are a first time mum who is isolated - I can totally relate to this - please keep us updated x

Have you thought about getting a doula for a few hours a few times a week? I had one after both my children were born. Absolute lifesaver

RubyPurple
I also feel like my mum is right. Why would a nanny look after such a difficult child when they can probably find an easy one?
I used to be a nanny. I wouldn’t run away but would expect appreciation by words. If you are really worried you can offer some extras like meal or travel costs

I agree there should be some support from your family.

In saying that: I've raised 6 children and I'm in no hurry for grandchildren, particularly high need grandchildren.

I had a high need child so you have my deepest sympathy but it's also the reason I will be spending my twilight years travelling. I'm not saying I won't help at all, but I've done my time with small children and it was beyond hard and if I was totally honest I'm glad it's behind me.

It goes without saying I would help if my kids were in dire straits but that help is not limitless.

I am in a similar position OP, parents said that they were fine to look after one child but not two so have pretty much withdrawn any practical help (although they help financially to be fair to them) They raised three and I think honestly they feel the same way as @FelicisNox. I get it - but I would no sooner see my two daughters struggle through pnd/anxiety with a young baby than I would fly to the moon. Yanbu for the sake of two/three hours help a week.

Felicis, I understand your point of view completely and will probably feel the same because one of my dc has been very challenging. However if I saw my dc in dire straits like I was, I am certain that I would want to help, at least in the short-term. As with all things, there has to be balance. I do actually think that some grandparents do too much in terms of childcare but they seem to have made that choice. But I had next to nothing - no support from my mother etc. and it seemed to only accentuate my feelings of loneliness and not feeling valued.

I'm so sorry things are hard for you op, I would absolutley be employing a Nanny to help with your little ds. And watch the film Tully, its about a woman who is struggling and employs a young woman to help 😊 best of luck, you can do this

Sweetheart - you need a break. If you can afford it, for the sake of your own health get some help. Happy Mum’s = far calmer babies. The two key carers my DS2 has had are the loveliest, most patient people. They’ve known exactly how to engage him and brought him on in a way we couldn’t. Balls to feeling guilty - they’re now both family friends and we keep in touch regularly and love seeing the little love they’ve helped shape.

My parents were and are absolutely hopeless since both my children were born we live in UK, they are an hour's flight away. No jobs, lots of money, lots of air travel available to them and young enough with good health. They have a strange concept that time with the kids is like a centre parc ad. They can't cope with reality of it. They have shocked me with how insensitive and selfish they are. I was desperate after DS1, traumatic birth, miserable baby, stuck in a flat in a city while my husband worked 15 hr days and studied at weekends. All they did was add to the misery by phoning to say how awful my situation was. Second baby mil came for 2 weeks, that was it. I suppose what I'm saying here is lots will say you're not to expect help/ they've raised their kids etc but it really feels like a kick in the face, especially when you're desperate. It was like a mask fell away for me and I saw them, my mother in particular for what she is and it's hard to realise your parent isn't much of a nice person. I hope it gets easier for you. Xx

Maybe you should tell your husband to get his ass back home! Everyone is wittering on about the grandparents but no one is mentioning the husband. Get him to come home and take a share of his responsibilities!