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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel disappointed with mum re childcare

508 replies

RubyPurple · 29/07/2019 23:21

I have a really, really difficult baby. Essentially a high needs baby who cries most of the time and rarely content. My husband works in a high pressured job and is often travelling. I have friends whose mothers or MILs help out when they’re going through a difficult time with babies.

My mum and MIL have never really offered to help except for the week after my son was born. They are both SAHM themselves so no jobs but my my mum visits my elderly gran every day for an hour or two and my father in law has anxiety and is quite dependent on MIL so that’s why they say they can’t help. I felt like it was unreasonable to expect anything from anyone but today my health visitor saw how difficult my son was and said I really need someone to take him for a little bit during the weekdays as it’s too much for me to cope with every day (I’ve got PND and getting that sorted now). Our friends and siblings seem surprised that despite having both sets of parents near us we have such little support. I try to understand things from their point of view as they have their own issues and obligations but I do feel a little sad about it. If they each offered to come around for two or three hours during the week it would be so helpful. When I think that then sometimes I wonder if I’m being unreasonable to expect anything from them?

OP posts:
Hangingwithmygnomies · 30/07/2019 15:09

Peanutbuttericecream no you maybe haven't said it directly but comparing your situation as worse than OP's and making comments about her being able to afford to get help when others can't, does give that implication. If that's not what you meant then I will apologise but it's the impression that is given

Hangingwithmygnomies · 30/07/2019 15:15

@Southmouth I remember having to do that! We lived in a flat at the time so I would make sure he was safe and step out onto the balcony for a couple of minutes.

Original poster
RubyPurple · 30/07/2019 15:16

@mrscampbellblackagain How did the nursery manage with a screamy baby? As they have other children to look after and can’t hold them all the time didn’t they just give him back?

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 30/07/2019 15:20

Ruby nah, they have helpers and we do hold screamy babies all day. They often calm down more when they can't see their parents, but I had a few keyworkers in the baby room who cried lots. I'd have them on my hip, or in my arms.

If a day a week at nursery is possible, do it. There's more people so they can pass him round a bit if he does need to be held, they'll be used to babies, he'll be in a new, safe environment that might interest him. You've got nothing to lose.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/07/2019 15:21

As far as your parent's criticism of hired help, I automatically discount the unhelpful comments of anyone who could help but simply won't. I'd say just about anyone could carve out a couple of hours a week to help a struggling mum. Even ONE hour would be better than none! And if your relatives criticize tell them "You aren't willing to help out, so you have no right to criticize my solutions. Unless you want to take the place of my hired help, keep your opinions to yourself!". And make sure your DH says the same. You need to understand that you are an adult and that you no longer owe your parents any 'deference'. If you don't like what they say you're entitled to speak up!

Remember that when you get your hired help, you don't have to leave the house to get a break right off the bat if you don't want to. You can lie down, you can watch telly, you can tap dance in the living room! The point of the help is to relieve you from primary responsibility for your baby. In a bit, you'll feel comfortable nipping out for a minute, then for longer periods.

When mine were babies (30+ years ago!), my late dad (also not a diaper changer) would come over every so often and just hold them whilst I pottered about. Mine were easy babies but he just liked to 'have them to himself' every so often. He wasn't comfortable caring for them alone, but he was more than happy to sit and hold them. So 'never changing a diaper' is no excuse not to help out. And one of my most precious memories of my dad was him explaining the finer points of baseball to DS2 (4 mo old) whilst 'watching the ball game with him'.

mrscampbellblackagain · 30/07/2019 15:22

He wasn't the first tricksy baby they had dealt with and I think it is easier when you don't have the emotional attachment. I can hold a crying baby and it doesn't bother me now but when it was own it was a different matter. I felt incredibly sad for him and also me. My first experience of motherhood was not what I had imagined at all and like you no one I knew had such a difficult baby. But it did pass.

And actually I found that he settled better at nursery when he was 4 months as didn't have separation anxiety. I stopped him going after he turned one as he was a lot easier and I didn't need it any more but it really did save my life.

BlackSwan · 30/07/2019 15:24

Peanut - you’re lacking in empathy. Honestly I think you shouldn’t continue posting

Original poster
RubyPurple · 30/07/2019 15:34

@AcrossthePond55 It must be nice to have easy babies that you can just keep on your lap. If mine were like that I think FIL and my dad would find it easier. FIL has done that with his other grandkids who were calm, easy babies. My dad is always desperate to hold him but my mum only lets him if he’s sitting down as he’s had backache before, (which is fair enough) and my son can’t last more than 5-10 mins sitting in someone’s lap :(

OP posts:
Southmouth · 30/07/2019 15:35

@RubyPurple I don’t think so, I mean he can be a bit dramatic at times but I think that’s just a age thing and him testing boundaries. But pretty most of the time he’s actually quite a pleasant child to be around now! Although he can have some good trantrums occasionally but they do not faze me one bit after a year of hell.. Depsite all of this it also didn’t stop me from having a second and she’s the complete opposite and most relaxed baby!

mrscampbellblackagain · 30/07/2019 15:38

The great thing about having a tricksy baby first is you are very humble. If I had had my third as my first I would have been the smuggest parent ever Wink

And now tricksy baby is a delightful 15 year old. Well as delightful as any 15 year old can be. Actually he has been a very easy teenager maybe to make up for his first year Wink

Fluandseptember · 30/07/2019 15:39

Do do do ask about CMPA. It seems to manifest in loads of different ways, and what's going on for you both sounds AWFUL.

If you can find a maternity nurse, I think that is likely to work better for you. At nurseries, little ones get bugs aaaaaaaall the time, and that's just knackering for everyone. Good for their immune systems, apparently, but really really hard work.

ButterflyWitch · 30/07/2019 15:53

OP I have deepest sympathy for you. I have had zero support from family and friends with a high needs baby (now a high needs 6yo) and subsequently another baby 4 years later. I don't know if I will ever understand or forgive how I was refused help, but I am where I am.

Some uncomfortable truths - you are where you are and it is up to you to change things. You cannot rely on family support - they are choosing not to help you - they DO NOT WANT to help you (for whatever reason) - and being honest your DH is of limited support.
Your baby is tiny, 3mo old and needs YOU - but you need to survive this and put changes in place to help you get through this difficult time.

  1. If you have the money, make everything else as easy as possible (cleaner/gardener etc).
  2. Make sure you eat. You need nutrition to function. DH can make you scrambled eggs in the morning before he leaves? If your DM won't babysit could she (or anyone else) bring round a meal for you once a week? Perhaps ask her what she thinks she might be able to help you with?
  3. Find a way for you to have time away from screaming baby. This can be hard for many reasons (you may even find it hard to be away from such a demanding baby as you are programmed to respond to their needs). Ideally you do need to be physically away so that you do not hear them crying. (Sorry if this is sounding harsh). A nursery might not be best (may be difficult to settle in so young etc) but an experienced nanny or mothers help may be perfect? Somebody experienced would be able to cope with the crying and form a good bond easily and quickly. There will be websites where you can find at-home childcare, your HV might know?
  4. Would it be an option for DH to reduce his hours by an afternoon a week? Even if just for a month - could be a lifesaver for you?

Best of luck. Remember that you are important too.

cestlavielife · 30/07/2019 15:58

Just get paid help
Tellhv you have zero help

cestlavielife · 30/07/2019 16:03

And ask hv to refer you to local voluntary schemes for support
But if you can afford it just pay.
Some nannies will like the challenge
Has there bern any diagnosis other than :high needs" e.g. reflux?

Original poster
RubyPurple · 30/07/2019 16:10

My mum spoke to my gran after I last told her that I’m looking at nannies and my gran told her that she should help me and that she is only needs to visit her every other day. So lovely. When I went to visit my gran last week she saw what a handful he was and said to me that if she was well she would have loved to have been able to help me

OP posts:
Cosentyx · 30/07/2019 16:15

So she shamed her daughter into being an unwilling carer for your child and you really want someone who doesn't want to be there looking after him? I'm sorry, but your gran is way out of line. It's plenty easy to be free with other peoples' time, property, money, etc. Of course, you paint her as the 'lovely' one but all the ire goes towards your mother. Honestly, you're unreasonably directing a lot of anger towards your mother most of all and it's not healthy or fair at all. You've completely let your h, who is your son's father off the hook here and pretty much your MIL. It's all your mum's fault and everyone pointing fingers at her.

cestlavielife · 30/07/2019 16:18

Great your mum should help but do look I to hired help.too.
You are not going to be able.to.rely on your mother and an experienced nanny may have better ideas.. as well as being your employee to do things your way.
Get a good nanny your city lawyer husband needs to fund the help.

and tell your husband you can then with time arrange to go.out with him too or a walk or meal out she the nanny can babysit.

Wishihad · 30/07/2019 16:21

That is really harsh

'Reduce coming to visit and help me. But on those days visit and Care for a child'

Its seems that no one, is really that fussed about your mother, apart from what care she is giving out.

Wishihad · 30/07/2019 16:22

Oh and people always say 'if I wasnt xyz, I would help'
It's really easy to make out you woild do loads, when you cant actually do it.

mummywingingit · 30/07/2019 16:49

@RubyPurple I'm so sorry you are having a difficult time. I've got friends who have no help at all, and when I tell them about my mum being so good in supporting me it makes me feel terrible for them...my MIL wouldn't help even if I was in a meltdown, as she herself is very selfish. My mum had horrendous PND with my older sister, so understands the need for help...

Can I ask what makes your baby so hard? Is there anything that could help him be not so hard? My baby had awful colic/reflux which made life hard and exhausting...my husband is never home till gone 7pm from 7am so pretty much alone...once o got the colic/reflux under better control, it did make him easier to handle.
People here may be able to help with suggestions? I think maybe speak to your mum at least, be honest and tell her how much you're struggling and that you need help from her ❤️

averythinline · 30/07/2019 16:50

that is lovely of your gran - but I'm not sure guilting your unwilling mum is teh answer....she's not going to be looking after your child through choice or with joy is she...and could lead to resentment ..I would want my Dc to be looked after by someone who wanted to do it...

why do you refuse to use professional childcare -? they are not going to catch diseases thats nonsense... If you were in teh US the chances are you would be back at work by now....
My DS was hard work and I could not work out how to deal with most of teh time so I;ve been there ...my main regret was not asking for help and/or using money to buy stuff in because I should have known....other people had a harder time etc etc
give yourself a break ....

diddl · 30/07/2019 17:04

But what if your mum wants to see her own mum every day?

Shouldn't she be deciding for herself?

BowiesJumper · 30/07/2019 17:07

My niece was exactly like this OP and it was reflux and dairy intolerance. Have you tried ranitidine? I think it's worth a trip back to the doctors to discuss changing the meds, and also the possibility of her going dairy free. My niece did grow out of it, so don't give up hope!
Good luck.

Tennesseewhiskey · 30/07/2019 17:07

If I had the money I would send ever mumsnetter £1000.

I mean I cant, because I don't have the money. But if I could, I definitely would.

See it's easy to promise something you cant do

thewalrus · 30/07/2019 17:25

OP, I really feel for you. I echo the general sense on here that it is absolutely fine to get paid help if you need it (and my personal view is that it is not at all unreasonable to be hurt and disappointed by your mum and MIL).

Couple of things: I had a high needs baby. In his case he had awful colic, then some reflux (suspected dairy allergy at the time, but it wasn't). We then had a bit of a torrid time while he was being diagnosed with asthma (runs in family, so I'm not suggesting the high needs at the start were related to it). By the time he was 18 months, all this was over, and in some ways he is the calmest and easiest of my three children. It was so hard, and you will get through it somehow.

I had more support from the local grandparents than you're getting (one set live overseas), but to be honest I still wished they'd do more, while being grateful for what they did offer. It's just very difficult. I think if you can, you need to try to put your feelings about how people are not supporting you in the way you hoped and expected to the side and think about how you're going to get through it. Sounds like you're on this track already.

Additionally, my sister was a very difficult baby and toddler. In her case it was mostly that she didn't sleep. At all. For days on end. To the extent that respite was offered by social services and everything. You would never, ever guess this of her now. I'm mentioning this and my son because I think when he was so difficult as a baby compared to my other two, DH and I both felt that our relationship with him wouldn't be as good as a result of it, because we couldn't help but feel resentful and angry sometimes. That hasn't happened and didn't happen with my sister either.

I hope some of this helps a bit.