To feel disappointed with mum re childcare

[RubyPurple]

I have a really, really difficult baby. Essentially a high needs baby who cries most of the time and rarely content. My husband works in a high pressured job and is often travelling. I have friends whose mothers or MILs help out when they’re going through a difficult time with babies.

My mum and MIL have never really offered to help except for the week after my son was born. They are both SAHM themselves so no jobs but my my mum visits my elderly gran every day for an hour or two and my father in law has anxiety and is quite dependent on MIL so that’s why they say they can’t help. I felt like it was unreasonable to expect anything from anyone but today my health visitor saw how difficult my son was and said I really need someone to take him for a little bit during the weekdays as it’s too much for me to cope with every day (I’ve got PND and getting that sorted now). Our friends and siblings seem surprised that despite having both sets of parents near us we have such little support. I try to understand things from their point of view as they have their own issues and obligations but I do feel a little sad about it. If they each offered to come around for two or three hours during the week it would be so helpful. When I think that then sometimes I wonder if I’m being unreasonable to expect anything from them?

@Rubypurple I would say it was when he was around 6/7 months that it got easier, less screaming, sleeping for longer, easier to settle etc.. Each time he got a bit more mobile it also really did help. Then around his 1st birthday he was just like a different child all together.

His first year should of been one of the best years of my life and I feel like I lost a huge part of that just wishing the days away and I wouldn’t wish anyone to have to go through that and fully sympathise with anyone who has.

I feel like people are just ignoring the fact that OP has a very serious and debilitating illness. It isn't about the DM, in particular, caring for her grandchild - it's about her caring for her ill daughter. The fact that that takes the form of caring for her GS is by the by. Of course you aren't obliged to help your adult children if they're ill, but I think it's certainly fair enough to judge those who choose not to.

@jamoncrumpet - most nannies and MNs are a lot more careful of hygiene than most parents and grandparents!! It’s our job to keep them safe and well.

Many parents, grandparents, aunties and uncles (and some nannies!) -
spit on a hanky/tissue to clean hands and fingers.
Use used hankies/tissues if they have nothing else available.
Will suck a dummy and pop it back in the child’s mouth.
Will feed a baby/child from their cutlery or finger.
Will use the same syringe in a bottle of medicine more than once.
Never clean cot sides, prams, car seats, high chairs properly.
Rarely wash hands of a baby, toddler or most other children before sitting them down for a meal.
So many other things that I have seen parents do that don’t often cause them to become unwell but could do and any nanny worth their salt wouldn’t do!

Also have you forgotten that the OP has diagnosed PND on top of the rest?
Or is that not worthy of any sympathy/empathy now either?

Well bully for you, I hope you’re comfortable up there on the high moral ground.

You know what? Yeah, I do feel better about myself than I would if I'd deliberately tried to make a new mother with PND feel bad and like she should shut up about not coping. How dreadfully smug of me.

Yep

@Southmouth that’s what I’ve read that these babies gets better after becoming mobile. It gets better when they start to crawl and then again when they walk. 6 months seems sooo far off now but I guess I’ve got through three and I can get through another three. Mat leave is nothing like what I thought it would be- long walks with the pram and picnics in the local park, coffee mornings, baby groups and classes etc. Instead I’m just wishing the time away Ahhhh

Did you offer to help MIL with granny/FIL before you had the baby?

Maybe you could swap one day a week so that you care for granny/FIL?

Get a baby-sitter without guilt and don't look back.

@Peanutbuttericecream I’m sure it’s extremely difficult having a baby who doesn’t sleep. That doesn’t mean that having an inconsolable screaming baby isn’t torturous. Also if you had ever had one you would know that going anywhere outside your home becomes pretty much impossible.

Do you want some vinegar for those chips, Peanutbutter?

peanut my grandmother had a saying which went, "if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything".
Considering that we are talking about a new num with PND and a challenging baby this would seem fair advice to follow in this case.
Play what abouts is immature and unhelpful, this is always someone worse of than someone else somewhere in the world. But the point of this thread is the help this mum work out how to make her life work better for her.

You cant bring a screamer to baby groups.
I went back to work when DS was 5 months, I has to leave work 5 months later the childminder gave him back.
Definitely pay a baby sitter, what is £10 for peace, I'd have skipped meals to do this if DP worked away.

My son didn’t sleep and was inconsolable during the day. It was hard but we got through it. They do get easier, he was great by the time he started school.

I am sorry you’re going through it OP, it will get better.

Not read the whole thread. My high needs reflux (non sleeping) baby was sent off to nursery one afternoon a week. Saved my sanity and I looked forward to it all week.

It is torturous. A friend had a baby like this and he nearly drove her mad. As soon as he was mobile it was as if a switch had been flipped. It seems that some babies just don’t like being babies! Get help wherever and from whomever you can @RubyPurple. Seeing it secondhand was bad enough, I can’t imagine how awful it is to live with.

@Peanutbuttericecream I have been where OP is. Baby is screaming so you try and go out to baby groups etc but everyone else's baby is content and yours is screaming their head off. The eyes of judgement wondering how a Mother cannot settle her baby. My son used to get a decent amount of sleep at night but it didn't make the days any easier when he was crying 90-95% of the day. I would've given anything for him to be a happy baby, even if that meant frequent wakes in the night. My DH and I very nearly divorced from the strain. So OP is in a financially stable enough position to be able to afford help for a few hours a week to stop her PND progressing any further - so what? Would you rather she didn't and then caused injury to her son? Because as I stated to my HV, as much as I couldn't understand HOW someone could hurt a baby in anyway, I certainly now understand WHY it can happen. It is relentless - just as bad as sleep deprivation. Comments like yours indicating that a Mum (or Dad for that matter) should just put up and shut up are the very reason that people don't seek help for PND and why it is still very much a taboo subject

Definitely get a nanny or a sitter - even if they take him out in the pram all afternoon you can get some peace and your sanity back.

@EmeraldShamrock Did yours continue to be that way even after becoming mobile Has he improved?

Comments like yours indicating that a Mum (or Dad for that matter) should just put up and shut up are the very reason that people don't seek help for PND

I object strongly, I never said that at all.

@RubyPurple it will feel like a long way off now but you need to remember you’re currently going through the worst of it. Things slowly will start to improve and you may not even notice it at first.

I used to just sit there thinking I can’t wait for him to sit up, then crawl and walk. I felt bad wishing all these milestones away but it was because each time it just got that much easier.

I also had very nice visions of what I would be doing on my maternity leave but instead spent a great deal of it feeling absolutely miserable and confined to my own house. Right now though he’s the most happy and content child and looking at him you would never have known the amount of tears we all went through to get there.

I also had really bad days, where nothing could be done to help his screaming and I would have to place him in his cot and leave the room for a couple of minutes to just breath and calm myself down until I was in a better state of mind to go back in to him. How I had any hair left in those 6 months I do not know!

@Southmouth Does he have any personality traits now that give any clues as to why he was like that? Sometimes it’s said that these babies are highly sensitive or very dramatic. Sometimes that they just didn’t like being babies and needed to be mobile and talking.

Ruby - I have so much sympathy for you. I had similar circumstance when I had my first. DH had set up own business so just couldn't be around much and family not local.

I put DC into nursery for one day a week from 4 months old - I am not joking when I say it saved my sanity. On that day - I went to the gym, wandered round the shops or read a book and just enjoyed not being responsible for a constantly crying baby. I felt judged but I just didn't care in the end, I knew it was the right thing to do for me and my child.

It got better when dc could sit and I am sure in retrospect it was reflux.

My other two dc's were totally different and it was actually quite healing to have babies who were content as I realised it wasn't all my fault.

I hope you have a cleaner - the benefit of having money is you can out source some stuff.