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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husband still out - end of my thether

227 replies

sickofthis0 · 29/07/2019 15:29

Namechanged for this.

H went out yesterday morning at 10am to an event with friends a couple of hours away and had a hotel booked. All fine. He's never had a night away with friends in the time we've been together so it's not a regular thing.

What is a regular thing is his drinking. We've spoken about it several times over the past few months and nothing changes. We came back from holiday 2 weeks ago and the both of us drank a lot on holiday. Since we've been back I don't think he's been sober 1 night. A few nights, probably most, he's been hammered.

He text me this morning saying they're heading home. I checked that he'd be able to take our eldest to a class they go to every Monday. He clarified he would be. Great I thought as we don't ever take the youngest as it's a nightmare. Class starts at 4.30pm.

Got a photo message of a cocktail menu an hour ago saying won't be back, got sidetracked in this pub. I sent a message saying ha ha very funny. He has now sent another photo message of the pub's food menu laughing at the breakfast and booze menu.

I am livid. I was in a bad mood when he left yesterday morning because he'd got drunk again the night before and he left saying why are you in a bad mood with me?!

My problem is - apart from the obvious - is that I am out the house for 16 hours on a Tuesday for work and leave at 6am so I need him here for the kids. I have no one else to ask and I don't want to have to explain why to anyone either. I cannot miss work or go in later.

I don't know what to do right now.

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 29/07/2019 15:34

So when is he due back now?

Original poster
sickofthis0 · 29/07/2019 15:38

Who knows. His message at 3pm said leaving soon but he also said that this morning so I have no idea. The pub they're in is an hour away.

OP posts:
Skittlenommer · 29/07/2019 15:40

I grew up in a household with a parent (my mum) who was pissed 99% of the time and I’m still in therapy now at 33.

I would strongly consider LTB to be honest.

iMatter · 29/07/2019 15:40

What a prick.

Is he driving?

If he is I don't imagine he'll be back until tomorrow.

BlingLoving · 29/07/2019 15:42

So basically, he's not planning to be home to take DC1 to the activity? There's no sign that he's planning to be out for another night however.

YANBU to be annoyed as clearly he said he'd be home (although, I would be interested to know when planning this night away whether you'd agreed he would be back in time to do the activity or not because if the original plan was not to be home until later, I'd be annoyed but not furious about this change of plans then change again).

However, your problem isn't that he's late. The problem is that you think he's got a drinking problem and you suspect he's going to roll in at 10pm tonight, off his face and unable to look after the children tomorrow?

I think you should tell him that whatever happens you expect him home early enough to sleep it off to have the kids tomorrow. Feel free to tell him that if he wasn't going to be home in time, he should have said that all along as now you've planned accordingly. And then, once you're both sober and calm, discuss, as necessary, the issue with his drinking.

joystir59 · 29/07/2019 15:43

Leave him for the sake of your children

Cornishqween · 29/07/2019 15:45

I'd be seething. It's just selfish.

We have a deal (because dh goes out alot with work). It must be written in the calendar in advance, and where possible the times stay the same unless he is unavoidably late. He also is expected to pick up the slack the following morning to make sure I've lots of help with the school run and extra curricular stuff after school. He does this so I get a break and so the kids get to see him.

Dh used to go out 3 nights a week and I just had to get on with it, and one day I just snapped and refused to do it anymore.

There needs to be a fair division of childcare and this doesn't sound fair at all.

Original poster
sickofthis0 · 29/07/2019 15:45

It's public transport.

I am getting more and more wound up about it and if he comes home pissed I will be raging.

I am so fucked off that now my day is being spent raging about this.

OP posts:
Original poster
sickofthis0 · 29/07/2019 15:49

However, your problem isn't that he's late. The problem is that you think he's got a drinking problem and you suspect he's going to roll in at 10pm tonight, off his face and unable to look after the children tomorrow?

^this

We didn't discuss when he'd be home however I knew that if he was home later he would no doubt be pissed.

I haven't had a chance to speak to him lately as the kids are always around and then, when they're in bed, he's drunk.

OP posts:
WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 29/07/2019 15:53

Hello OP

Did your H (won't put D as he seems far from a DH) drink nightly prior to your holiday ?
In your shoes I couldn't put up with this at all and you are right to be angry

SaxxedtotheMax · 29/07/2019 16:01

I don't want to have to explain why to anyone either

Do you have family you can confide in?

Could DC stay over at a family members house tonight, so you can work.

I would probably go with them & leave a note for H, telling him to be gone by tomorrow.

The DC dont need a childhood/future like this.

I had one & it isnt until you hear other DC talking at school about the lovely normal things their family does, that you realise what a fuck up it is.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/07/2019 16:01

I haven't had a chance to speak to him lately as the kids are always around and then, when they're in bed, he's drunk.

Actions speak louder than words. Leave.

SunniDay · 29/07/2019 16:01

Hi OP,
You know where he is. Put the kids in the car and go and get him (the activity will be missed). I don't know what you should do long term but it solves your immediate problem of having him home and sober enough to take charge of the kids at 6am tomorrow. Don't forearm him - just turn up with your kids.

Yabbers · 29/07/2019 16:05

Put the kids in the car and go and get him (the activity will be missed). I don't know what you should do long term but it solves your immediate problem of having him home and sober enough to take charge of the kids at 6am tomorrow. Don't forearm him - just turn up with your kids.

Probably the most ridiculous thing I have ever read on MN. What the hell do you think this will do to the kids?

RedDogsBeg · 29/07/2019 16:11

He's not coming back to take your child to the activity, if he surprises me and does turn up he will be in no fit state to take your child or look after the other child while you take the one needing to go.

He will be in no fit state to take care of the children tomorrow, at this rate I doubt he will be home at any reasonable hour. You cannot trust your children to his care.

He cares not one iota for you or your children alcohol is all he cares about and you all come a very, very distant last - stop enabling his behaviour or making excuses for it, protect yourself and your children and dump him.

SunniDay · 29/07/2019 16:12

Probably the most ridiculous thing I have ever read on MN. What the hell do you think this will do to the kids?

What - collecting their dad from the pub? Traumatise them for life? Get a grip

Tistheseason17 · 29/07/2019 16:20

Your DH needs help for his alcohol addiction. Sorry.

If he does not recognise that he needs help then you do need to leave for the sake of your children.

tinyvulture · 29/07/2019 16:23

Of course she can take the kids to pick him up. I was frequently driven by my mom into town in the middle of the night to collect my drunken father. While THAT wasn’t ideal, it didn’t destroy me - and this, as a one off, in the middle of the day, won’t destroy her kids either!

Also a bit extreme suggesting she leave him at this point, and that he doesn’t care about his family AT ALL. Certainly worth talking to him about his drinking - it’s getting out of hand and that is very bad - but if you love your partner you at least give them a chance to put it right, surely?

I’m glad my mom didn’t kick dad out over his drinking (she thought about it at times). He managed to sort it out, with help. Some people do. They are both very happy now. It just depends how bad it is - every situation is different.

MrsMozartMkII · 29/07/2019 16:25

Have you asked yourself why you stay with him?

RubbingHimSourly · 29/07/2019 16:26

This is the first night out he's had in all the time you've been together and in that time you've had kids ?

I think you're being ridiculous. It's not as.though it's a.frequent event. Hmm

Original poster
sickofthis0 · 29/07/2019 16:28

I'm not planning on driving an hour each way with my kids to a city centre pub to get my husband. I don't even know if he'll still be there.

We have spoken about his drinking. Numerous times. Nothing changes. He had an accident a couple of years ago which has resulted in him drinking more to numb the pain, both physical and psychological. He drinks to escape.

I let it go to begin with because of the effect his accident has had on him however I can no longer allow this to be my new normal.

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 29/07/2019 16:30

How does he manage this level of drinking and work?

Get yourself to Al-Alon as you need support. Alcoholics are selfish and irresponsible so unless he stops this will be your life.

hadthesnip2 · 29/07/2019 16:33

How old is he...?? Sounds like he's trying to re-live his youth, which is not good. I can never understand people who get drunk at home. Something missing in their lives. I'd be getting to leave him.

ChillUrBeans · 29/07/2019 16:34

RubbingHimSourly Op said first night away on his own, not first time out and he has been pissed every night since their hols 2 weeks ago, leaving her to look after the kids every night - that is frequent and unacceptable. He is a parent - he doesn't get to just get pissed every night and Opt out - that is ridiculous.

Op you know you are going to have to wait until he is sober and then tell him that either the drink stops/reduces or you will not stay with him, not worth doing if he has had a drink as you know t will be a row or he will not remember.

INeedAFlerken · 29/07/2019 16:34

HOnestly, I know people think ending a relationship like this is an overreaction, but I would tell him that's what you're doing for now. A separation until he sorts his shit out. I would ask for Tuesday off, say there's a family emergency, and spend the day packing my DH's things. He can stay elsewhere.

Tell him he needs to sort himself out: he's clearly well on his way or already an alcoholic, and he can no longer live with you and the children until he stops drinking and gets help for it. He needs a serious wake up call ... as he clearly finds the whole situation hilarious, in spite of the fact that he's fucking with your livelihood and your children's lives right now by behaving so irresponsibly. NO thanks to that!

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