husband still out - end of my thether

[sickofthis0]

Namechanged for this.

H went out yesterday morning at 10am to an event with friends a couple of hours away and had a hotel booked. All fine. He's never had a night away with friends in the time we've been together so it's not a regular thing.

What is a regular thing is his drinking. We've spoken about it several times over the past few months and nothing changes. We came back from holiday 2 weeks ago and the both of us drank a lot on holiday. Since we've been back I don't think he's been sober 1 night. A few nights, probably most, he's been hammered.

He text me this morning saying they're heading home. I checked that he'd be able to take our eldest to a class they go to every Monday. He clarified he would be. Great I thought as we don't ever take the youngest as it's a nightmare. Class starts at 4.30pm.

Got a photo message of a cocktail menu an hour ago saying won't be back, got sidetracked in this pub. I sent a message saying ha ha very funny. He has now sent another photo message of the pub's food menu laughing at the breakfast and booze menu.

I am livid. I was in a bad mood when he left yesterday morning because he'd got drunk again the night before and he left saying why are you in a bad mood with me?!

My problem is - apart from the obvious - is that I am out the house for 16 hours on a Tuesday for work and leave at 6am so I need him here for the kids. I have no one else to ask and I don't want to have to explain why to anyone either. I cannot miss work or go in later.

I don't know what to do right now.

Thinking of you OP, it's a horrible situation to be in x

Is he home yet? X

Your making excuses for the dickhead, see him for what he is, an arsehole.

Have you asked him how he proposes to be back and fit to look after his children by 6 a.m. tomorrow?

He's still not home. I text him and called him but he didn't answer. He the n text an hour later saying he's now in the pub at his friend's house as the train they got didn't stop at ours.

He then text again shortly after that saying he's sorry he's late and that he's having fun and that he'll be home soon to let me get ready for work. I'm not holding my breath.

I haven't text him back.

I don't know how to play it when he comes home because he'll end up talking about how difficult things are for him and that he never goes out if I go off on one with him. I can't be bothered with the argument. I'd rather be in bed when he got back. I don't begrudge him going out, it's a very rare occasion. It's his drinking that I have a problem with which has escalated recently and has coincided with this night away.

I really don't understand why people are saying leave him. She's clearly not going to do it.

So op. Think of your best and worst case. Then plan today and tomorrow accordinglu

This is horrible for you. He may well be responding to his difficult circumstances but your circumstances are made very much worse by his drinking. You sound as though you are being really strong but you must be close to the limit of what you can manage.

He sounds as though he is an alcoholic or on the road to becoming one. There are lots of resources out there to help you and him but you both have to first accept that is where you are heading. The situation is certainly redeemable but you must both be onside.

Get support for yourself (eg there is a helpline for families at www.al-anonuk.org.uk/ )and figure out a way to move forward. Take as long as you need to get to this point and then address it with dh. This isnt a problem that will go away on its own and neither is it a problem you and your dcs should face on your own so do get some advice.

@sickofthis0 My DP used to do this. It was horrible, anxiety-inducing. Never knowing when I could rely on him to do stuff because there was no guarantee he's not get pissed and fob me off. We missed out on dates, on events. The only time I could guarantee he wouldn't be drunk was when he had contact with his DD.

I left him in the end for my own health and well-being. We are reconciled now (we have a child together) and he doesn't drink anymore. But he was a functioning alcoholic and I am always on pins that he'll revert to his old ways.

If you stay with him perhaps you can open a savings account for the therapy your children are going to need.

I phoned al-anon a couple of months ago and I was considering going to an al-anon meeting. Then our holiday was approaching so I didn't give it any further thought and now we're back and everything is back to "normal" or worse.

I have thought about us separating and it's something I'm still working through in my head. I know I'm not going to put this forever so something will have to give.

I’m sorry but if not then for your DC I really think you need to start being ‘bothered’ to have this conversation. I’m not trying to be unkind, I know sometimes it’s exasperating and you just want to look away, but please, have the conversation and start to think about what he is putting you all through here. He needs to seek help but you are not his fixer.

Rather than raging I think you really need to channel your energy to make plans that don't involve him. Where other people and alcohol are involved together you can never change them. You may wait forever for them to change themselves. Good luck.

You need to sort your shit out OP tbh, you staying with an alcoholic, and you're staying without much thought for your children, nor yourself. Tell him he needs to get his together too and grow the fuck up.

If my husband acted like that his bags would be on the porch step before he'd even sent me the 'sorry' message. Why are you tolerating it?

Andysbestadventure - yes, that helps.

Have you made plans for work tomorrow? Friends? childminder? Anyone but him?

You dont need to have a rant at him it would probably scare him more if you calmly told him what your expectations of him are

I feel for your children, how was their holidaywh with 2 parents who drank alot ? pretty miserable i would imagine.
You both need to look at the amount you drink

This was my ex. I couldn’t rely on him and spent years not knowing when he’d come home. Drunk. Chucking him out (Dd was 4 months) was like an enormous weight being lifted. We had been together for 12 years, but it was only when I realised that he would never change, that I realised the impact he would have on Dd and did something about it.

I know it’s horrible waiting and getting text after text - sometimes over hours, sometimes over days - saying “I’m on my way,” or “I’ll be home in half an hour.”

Is he home yet OP?

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. You deserve so much better.

Update is he was getting the next train at 7.15pm. Got a call at 7.30pm saying he'd lost his wallet so I have now spent the past half an hour cancelling all his cards.

@Mythreefavouritethings I have no problem having these conversations with him. But I cannot be bothered having them when he's drunk as it gets us nowhere.

Can he get home ok if he's lost his wallet?

other than this - is he generally a nice guy? Because I'm wondering why you're with him?

OP, you've got a lot to think through from the sounds of it. But did you see this thread over the weekend.... If not, just read and bear it in mind.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3648740-DH-has-disappeared-and-left-son-at-a-festival

Is he home yet?

I hate when people just post “leave him” most people don’t actually have anywhere to leave “to” and most people with any sense wouldn’t flounce off on a whim when there are multiple children involved. OP hasn’t got anyone who can babysit, it’s not likely that leaving is going to be straight forward.

OP you need him back before 6am. Fuck him, go to bed, stick your headphones in and let him get on with whatever the hell hes doing. He’ll be home before you go to work. Don’t lose your sleep

I'm fuming on your behalf !!!
He's a man-child. Seriously think about your future