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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husband still out - end of my thether

227 replies

sickofthis0 · 29/07/2019 15:29

Namechanged for this.

H went out yesterday morning at 10am to an event with friends a couple of hours away and had a hotel booked. All fine. He's never had a night away with friends in the time we've been together so it's not a regular thing.

What is a regular thing is his drinking. We've spoken about it several times over the past few months and nothing changes. We came back from holiday 2 weeks ago and the both of us drank a lot on holiday. Since we've been back I don't think he's been sober 1 night. A few nights, probably most, he's been hammered.

He text me this morning saying they're heading home. I checked that he'd be able to take our eldest to a class they go to every Monday. He clarified he would be. Great I thought as we don't ever take the youngest as it's a nightmare. Class starts at 4.30pm.

Got a photo message of a cocktail menu an hour ago saying won't be back, got sidetracked in this pub. I sent a message saying ha ha very funny. He has now sent another photo message of the pub's food menu laughing at the breakfast and booze menu.

I am livid. I was in a bad mood when he left yesterday morning because he'd got drunk again the night before and he left saying why are you in a bad mood with me?!

My problem is - apart from the obvious - is that I am out the house for 16 hours on a Tuesday for work and leave at 6am so I need him here for the kids. I have no one else to ask and I don't want to have to explain why to anyone either. I cannot miss work or go in later.

I don't know what to do right now.

OP posts:
DressingGown · 29/07/2019 20:49

Hope you get some rest tonight, OP

impossible · 29/07/2019 20:51

It's good that you called al-anon. Go to a meeting if you can, or call them again. If you say things out loud to other people you will hear them without all the baggage you carry at home. It's completely natural to make excuses for your dh and to want to protect him - he's clearly had a difficult time - but his drinking will destroy you and your dcs if you don't address it.

Try to stay calm. Things may be fixable if accepts he has a problem but things won't be fixed if you ignore his behaviour. He needs to find a new purpose, having been injured and lost his job, and it's possible he could do this with support. But you also need support, whichever way things go.

I know this is an awful moment but let it be a turning point. Shore yourself up with support and think about ways to move forward. You may be able to figure this out together but if not you can move forward apart.

carly2803 · 29/07/2019 21:06

I would not leave him - i would throw him out!!

for your kids OP this isnt normal.

Original poster
sickofthis0 · 29/07/2019 21:13

He's home and he's not in a good way. He was agitated and freaking out when he got home.

He told me when he got off the train he wanted to hurt himself. He got a train that doesn't stop at ours so got off in the next town and was waiting for a bus. Someone he knows picked him up and dropped him off. He said his friend pulled over and asked if he was okay, DH doesn't know what he was doing at the time for him to ask that.

He is on a variety of strong medication and he only took enough for 1 night so he's a couple of doses behind today. Plus he's also transitioning to another medication. That, coupled with all the alcohol, has had this effect on him.

He's calmed down a bit now. Probably because he's home. I'm normally in bed sleeping by now and he's told me he's fine and to go to bed. Yeah, because I'm going to be able to sleep now.

Before anyone says it, no, he hasn't taken any illegal drugs.

He's not been doing great lately at all but the alcohol exacerbates it. It's the only thing that helps him forget and be "normal" for a while and lets him sleep as his injury is so painful it prevents him from sleeping and the meds he's on have awful side effects that disturbs his sleep also.

OP posts:
CatelynStark · 29/07/2019 21:41

You don’t know what he’s taken. Or where he’s been or who with.

The sob story is designed to stop you having a go at him. Been there, got the divorce. You need to put yourself and your kids first right now. Otherwise, this will escalate to even more appalling behaviour.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 29/07/2019 21:56

There comes a time when he has to face up to what's happened. He needs help clearly, but it seems as if you've done all you can. As long as he's drinking, he may feel normal for a while, but who has to pick up the pieces? You do. For his own sake, and the sakes of you and your children, call him out on it. You are not responsible for him. You are responsible for your children.

romany4 · 29/07/2019 22:26

He's home and he's not in a good way. He was agitated and freaking out when he got home

Yet he's been absolutely fine and enjoying himself before he came home to face the music

bingbongnoise · 29/07/2019 22:29

I thought it was about time for a 'my husband isn't home yet' thread.

Been a good week now since we had one.

Quartz2208 · 29/07/2019 22:30

OP if his injury still leaves him in pain and he is self medicating with alcohol he needs medical help and counselling

notsohippychick · 29/07/2019 22:44

I’m a little bit alarmed that this fellow will be looking after your children for 14 hours tomorrow. This is a scary prospect. What if he feels so rough he has hair of the dog?

Glad he’s ok though (ish). I think you need to have a good think about your future lovely c

Original poster
sickofthis0 · 29/07/2019 22:52

@bingbongnoise I'm glad to be of assistance Hmm

@Quartz2208 he is under a medical team

@romany4 he was fine until he lost his wallet, this changed his mood

I feel so fucking alone in all this. I am trying so hard to hold everything together for everyone. The buck stops with me whilst my mental health goes to pieces.

OP posts:
bingbongnoise · 29/07/2019 22:54

Sorry @sickofthis0

There just seems to be a thread every week where a poster says their husband hasn't come home, and it's just weird!

Hope your DH is OK, and you are too. Flowers

Apologies again. Smile

bingbongnoise · 29/07/2019 22:55

@sickofthis0

I was only messing about. Grin

Hope you feel OK soon!

cestlavielife · 29/07/2019 22:57

Tell your gp
Tell someone at work
Stop hiding it for him
Whatever the accident pain etc it is his issue to get help for
If he is not able to put his dc first then you need to spell it out to him... you and dc will leave.

Wallywobbles · 29/07/2019 22:59

So when your MH goes to pot what happens then? Might it not be an idea for him to move out for a while so he's in charge of himself and you are in charge of you and the kids which at least removes the majority of unreliable and unpredictable from your life.

I think in your shoes separation while he sorts his shit out (or not) seems inevitable sooner or later. And you already seem a good way towards later.

Alcoholics are so fucking self absorbed and they just take as many people down with them as they are allowed to.

Good luck. You are certainly going to need it.

Original poster
sickofthis0 · 29/07/2019 23:10

I've worked very hard to get my mental health in a good place and have very recently come off anxiety and depression meds after 2.5 years on them. I feel stable at the moment however I know how quickly that can all come crashing down which is what I'm afraid of.

Some time apart is something I am seriously considering.

And I don't think it's appropriate for us to keep his alcohol problems to ourselves and longer.

@bingbongnoise Don't worry about it. You caught me at a bad moment!

OP posts:
bingbongnoise · 29/07/2019 23:17
Flowers

All the best @sickofthis0 ❤️

scubadive · 29/07/2019 23:18

FlowersFlowersFlowersFlowersFlowers

Original poster
sickofthis0 · 29/07/2019 23:18

He has a GP appt on Wednesday which I will go to with him. If I tell his GP he has been having thoughts of harming himself and I think he's an alcoholic could he be sectioned?

OP posts:
Original poster
sickofthis0 · 29/07/2019 23:20

Thanks for the flowers although you've actually made me cry for the first time today!

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 29/07/2019 23:24

Brings it all back to when I was married to a man who was drink dependent, many years ago. I was so miserable. It's so lonely. I left him after 3 years!

justasking111 · 29/07/2019 23:37

Glad you are going to the GP with him. Can you talk to his parents, your parents, you really need some support here.

Fleetheart · 29/07/2019 23:48

@sickofthis0, so sad you are going through this. I have been in a similar place. I have a feeling you have posted about him before?

Please yes - stop keeping this to yourself. Things started to improve for me when I shared the problem with those I trusted. You need help and support. Please try al anon. You can’t change him; you can change your life though and that of the DCs. It’s time.

There is a phrase in AA which is ”nothing changes if nothing changes”. Sounds glib, but it’s true. Changes you make will affect the dynamic for everyone . And you can’t change him. It’s important to realise this. Don’t waste time being angry. Make plans. Flowers

Twistables · 30/07/2019 00:17

I'm so sorry. I've been that soldier - in love with a drinker. It is a very, very difficult road xx

Missingstreetlife · 30/07/2019 00:20

You keep taking responsibility, he should cancel his own cards. I suppose you are locked in because it impact on you, this is why you should leave him to it. Please contact alanon and tell him his fortune if he doesn't shape up, no more excuses. He won't be sectioned but gp should be aware of his state. Please look after yourself