husband still out - end of my thether

[sickofthis0]

Namechanged for this.

H went out yesterday morning at 10am to an event with friends a couple of hours away and had a hotel booked. All fine. He's never had a night away with friends in the time we've been together so it's not a regular thing.

What is a regular thing is his drinking. We've spoken about it several times over the past few months and nothing changes. We came back from holiday 2 weeks ago and the both of us drank a lot on holiday. Since we've been back I don't think he's been sober 1 night. A few nights, probably most, he's been hammered.

He text me this morning saying they're heading home. I checked that he'd be able to take our eldest to a class they go to every Monday. He clarified he would be. Great I thought as we don't ever take the youngest as it's a nightmare. Class starts at 4.30pm.

Got a photo message of a cocktail menu an hour ago saying won't be back, got sidetracked in this pub. I sent a message saying ha ha very funny. He has now sent another photo message of the pub's food menu laughing at the breakfast and booze menu.

I am livid. I was in a bad mood when he left yesterday morning because he'd got drunk again the night before and he left saying why are you in a bad mood with me?!

My problem is - apart from the obvious - is that I am out the house for 16 hours on a Tuesday for work and leave at 6am so I need him here for the kids. I have no one else to ask and I don't want to have to explain why to anyone either. I cannot miss work or go in later.

I don't know what to do right now.

Also, if you have joint bank accounts; you should get a separate one. Don't let him have access to your money whilst he is drinking uncontrollably/irresponsibly and loosing bank cards in pubs

I am a functioning alcoholic currently under treatment, hoping to detox.

When you go the GP, be very honest. They can provide details of local services which you can self refer to for full assistance and counselling. They'll probably do an assessment regarding level of dependency as a first step also.

Grab all the services you can. Use Al-Anon. Part of the rules are that you just don't discuss this outside the group. If you see someone you know, there will only be compassion and no further discussion outside of that setting. Otherwise no one would go.

He'll have a long journey ahead, you both will if you decide you can continue. We're not easy to live with at all.

My advice would be NOT to go to your husband's GP appointment at all, actually.

He is an adult and can speak to the GP on his own behalf. Your time would be better spent sorting out your work/childcare situation. Which you NEED to do, before you lose your job

Out of interest once you approach the GP is it then on your permanent record that you have an alcohol addiction? What are the implications (apart from the very positive one of seeking help)?

He won't be sectioned unless he has made an actual attempt to end his life or had a psychotic breakdown.

Before anyone says it, no, he hasn't taken any illegal drugs.

I know you say he hasn't but I was a coke addict nobody in my family or close friends would have believed in a million years I'd touch the stuff, let alone use every day (with my user friends).

Ask for help from charities and organisations set up for this specific situation because GPs are so stretched they sometimes can't help us much as they would like to. So FRANK, Al Anon, Women's Aid etc

His lack of responsibility is alarming and it doesn't matter how "nice" or "good" someone is when they're sober, alcohol and / or drugs change your values, priorities and immediate plans when you're using. I'm ashamed of the way I've let people down in the past and now I'm in recovery I look back and think fucking hell I was so selfish.

Please get some support for yourself IRL too - friends, family, GP, charities, support organisations. The more people who know in real life what's going on, the more real it will seem and the more able you will feel to make some decisions.

Sorry OP I know that this is a horrible situation

I agree with @Pricedrop, doing it all for him is completely ineffective, he needs to do it.

I agree that you need to go back to Al-Anon. Don't worry that people will find out - I suspect that your DH's drinking is already well known about amongst people you know.

He does clearly need more help than he's getting for his injury, so going with him to his Doctor's appointment is a good idea.

Good luck.

I was witha guy for 8 years who had a drink problem...I heard all the promises under the sun of 'I will change' blah blah blah 🙄 he never did. If anything, he got worse! He was always late, out till all hours, always letting me down...we had the same talk of 'if you carry on I will leave' and you know what? I bloody did...10 years ago now and im so glad I did! We didn't have children though (thank god)

My husband grew up with a alcoholic mother...he was looked after in the sense of food on table, branded clothes, foreign holidays, club sports etc (mainly because his dad was a saint and stayed with her) but my husband often talks about bad memories of his childhood because of her drinking. The house caught fire twice because she was off her head, him and his brother having to put her to bed frequently drunk (they were children) arguments between parents (her starting them over nothing as drunk) and he says it wasn't a happy childhood at all....he often asks his dad why he never left her and took them with him...so sad. She still drinks now, albeit not as heavy, but every night still and that is some 30 years later!! Drinkers don't change...no matter what they say and promise! It ruins children's lives...my BIL now is just like his mother with a drink problem and an arsehole, my husband went the opposite and is like his father...

If you're unhappy with the relationship and the fact he clearly puts drinking first, I would say seriously have a think about your future and the future of the children...my husband often says he wished his dad left his mum so they could've had some sort of normal upbringing

I lost my job due to alcoholic DP repeatedly making me late for shifts as he would go out 'for milk' and not be back three hours later, leaving me with DD and no one to watch her. I started having panic attacks daily, having been free from them for a long time, because I hated having to tell my boss I was going to be late/not able to come in yet again after he had rearranged stuff for me.

I left for 6 months but came back because he had stopped drinking, started going to AA meetings, got a job. But a few months in living together again and it's back to the same shit, disappearing acts, endless lying, getting angry then switching to tears for sympathy. He started drinking after a bereavement, and like you OP I cut him some slack even when we had a newborn and I took on making everything seem ok to the outside, big mistake. I was in a good position to leave him then when DD was tiny and I bitterly regret not doing so, finances and housing were too unstable when I did leave - another reason I came back. I thought it would get better, but it's been 4 years of this now.

Get yourself some support if you can with Al-anon as suggested by others, I've only been able to attend once (alcoholics make having time to yourself almost impossible in my experience) but it was so so good just to feel less alone. Being able to confide in someone is invaluable, do you have a friend you could talk to if you don't feel able to tell family yet? I have a friend who has a lot of alcoholics in her family and she was and is an amazing source of support to me.

He told me when he got off the train he wanted to hurt himself.

Sorry but I also feel like this is a bit of a sympathy story from him. Such a manipulative thing to say.

His friend asking him if he was alright is just general conversation surely, especially if the friend could tell he was intoxicated and stumbling down a road in a random area. Doesn't necessarily mean that the friend witnessed him harming himself.

Look, this can’t go on any longer. He needs help. Don’t let the above statement cloud your judgement into taking it easy on him and turning a blind eye to his drinking. It will get worse.

At a certain point you have to prioritise your own mental health and your children’s well being (both tie in together) over him. Even if that means separating.

I think that going to that meeting today might be really helpful to you. Don't worry about being spotted - it's not your secret or your shame. Just being there, even if you don't speak, means you're facing the truth. Perhaps you could also see your GP on your own. You've probably never said the words "my husband has a drink problem" out loud. Telling non-judgemental strangers at a meeting might make it easier to move forward. I actually expect people around you know more than you realise. Even if they don't know the details, they'll see how you two interact and feel your emotions.

I don't cope well with stress, it's a trigger for my anxiety and depression

Anxiety/Depression is a natural reaction to having an alcoholic partner. It is extremely stressful even if you didn't have DC and a job. You sound very caring & intelligent and sadly your cooking strategies and competencies will make your partner rely on you. Alcoholics are selfish and usually cutting down isn't possible, has to be total abstinence. This means he has to change his life completely and find ways to cope with stress, rather than blot it out. Does his family have a history of drinking?

If you go to the GP or find a way to communicate with the GP before his appointment then ask for blood tests to check liver function. If he is on pain relief and binge drinking he could have liver issues. It is often a silent disease and only starts to have symptoms towards the final stages.

God OP I really feel for you.

As with PP I don’t believe for one minute that he lost his wallet, I believe he is a hopeless addict that was clutching at straws for reasons to stay out longer. The wanting to hurt himself part I believe was him manipulating you into worrying about him, to simmer your anger down and change your emotions towards him.

I grew up in the shadows of addiction. Alongside it was DV, narcissism, borderline personality disorder and a shit-load or associated misery. I must say that since growing up and truly looking at my childhood and understanding my parents, the other addicts I’ve come across seem to fit a very similar pattern. I’ve never know an addict of anything to not lie, to not manipulate, to not be a complete and utter narcissist. It’s the nature of the beast.

I can tell you from truly bitter experience, nothing on earth will damage your children more than growing up with a manipulative and selfish addict. It will be difficult, financially hard, sad and all the rest of it, but if he’s unwilling to address this, you’re in for a shitty ride and your kids won’t thank you for staying.

Go to gp for you to get support for you and dc.
Up to him and his gp to decide on him
But you clearly need support

@sickofthis0 feel your pain

Meeting starts in half an hour. Really nervous and feel sick. Gah. Don't want to do this! But do. Will sit outside for a while and try and pluck up the courage...

OP, this sounds really tough and I feel for you.

Someone very dear to me has a drinking problem too so I know how you can simultaneously love someone and be angry and frustrated by them.

I think it's easy for people to tell you to leave, but it may not be so easy in practice. So here is what you can think about and plan for now :

• first off ; if you did leave him, how would you sort things out ? Having an emergency plan, even if you never need it, may help you feel more at ease. How would you sort out finances ? Childcare ? Would you be able to stay somewhere else in a pinch ?
• second ; can you arrange for short notice childcare if needed, so that you don't need to worry about losing your job ? Can be a neighbour's older kid, or a professional nanny service, or a family member, or all of the above depending on the situation /availability of anyone involved.
• third : okay, now the vital stuff has been covered, you can think about trying to fix things. How do you feel about your husband ? I assume you'd prefer to work things out with him. Can you :
• get him to speak to GP for help - if he is still in pain maybe they can talk about alternate pain management methods
• get him to go to AA meeting
• convince him to let you handle finances so he has no money for booze ? After all you just cancelled all of his cards
• tell him this can't go on, and that you've actually considered leaving because of it ?

All things considered, there are only three possible outcomes :

1. You keep tolerating his drinking
2. He takes serious and immediate steps to take care of his problem, and actually does improve
3. You leave him

You can nudge him in the right direction but in the end only he can decide to stop drinking. I think if I were you I'd give him a set timeframe (e. g. 6 months) to seriously improve, or leave (or kick him out).
Then, whether you stay away or come back would depend on what he does. If things go that far I wouldn't come back until he's been sober for a set amount of time (e. g. 3 months)
It's really tough but you can't keep going as you have

Good luck OP

@sickofthis0 sending you good wishes and unmumsnetty hugs for support! You can do this, and hopefully it will be really helpful for you

Hope that al-anon has given you some perspective OP. It has been a great support to someone close to me.

Well done OP....let us know if it goes

Thanks for everyone's support here.

I've still not made it inside so there's still time for me to bottle it! (no pun intended!)

Don't bottle it.....please. Go in now!

@sickofthis0 bloody brilliant

I hope you make it inside, I really do.

We are right here