husband still out - end of my thether

[sickofthis0]

Namechanged for this.

H went out yesterday morning at 10am to an event with friends a couple of hours away and had a hotel booked. All fine. He's never had a night away with friends in the time we've been together so it's not a regular thing.

What is a regular thing is his drinking. We've spoken about it several times over the past few months and nothing changes. We came back from holiday 2 weeks ago and the both of us drank a lot on holiday. Since we've been back I don't think he's been sober 1 night. A few nights, probably most, he's been hammered.

He text me this morning saying they're heading home. I checked that he'd be able to take our eldest to a class they go to every Monday. He clarified he would be. Great I thought as we don't ever take the youngest as it's a nightmare. Class starts at 4.30pm.

Got a photo message of a cocktail menu an hour ago saying won't be back, got sidetracked in this pub. I sent a message saying ha ha very funny. He has now sent another photo message of the pub's food menu laughing at the breakfast and booze menu.

I am livid. I was in a bad mood when he left yesterday morning because he'd got drunk again the night before and he left saying why are you in a bad mood with me?!

My problem is - apart from the obvious - is that I am out the house for 16 hours on a Tuesday for work and leave at 6am so I need him here for the kids. I have no one else to ask and I don't want to have to explain why to anyone either. I cannot miss work or go in later.

I don't know what to do right now.

No, it’s extremely unlikely that he will be sectioned. Without wishing to downplay how awful your situation is, your husband’s mental health does not sound like it has deteriorated enough to warrant that. Plus services are at breaking point - they have very little support to offer. Hugs x

PS the GP won’t section him, don’t expect too much from the GP, in my experience they are easily manipulated by an alcoholic. I would say - leave the recovery to your partner and concentrate on your recovery as a co dependent. Sounds harsh but honestly it is the only way. No one can change an alcoholic but themselves.

If you are thinking he could/should be sectioned, please don’t leave your children with him.

Only he can get himself help.
Your family will come crashing down if he continues to drink to the point of forgetting what he was doing by the side of the road.
You need some hard love. He has to go & live elsewhere, get some help & sort his alcoholism out.
You need to find alternative childcare & keep your mental health intact for your DC.

Hope the GP can come up with something helpful tomorrow.

The GP won't get him sectioned but may send him for a psychological assessment.

You're doing fantastically OP and I'm glad he's willing to see his GP.
You'll get through this together and I hope things work out for you both

@Fleetheart Yes, I have posted about him before. I can imagine his GP will be quite easily manipulated.

I feel so anxious this morning. I haven't gone into work. He's still in bed.

I'm so weary about it all and feel resentful that I have to make some big decisions and start of a chain of events that I don't know how will end. I have been doing so well myself and I'm annoyed that he's put me in this position. The whole thing is so selfish.

It's not as if me and the kids aren't affected by his injury and the change it has made to us as a family with him losing his job and dealing with his change in personality and the change in dynamics around everything really. As well as our relationship as husband and wife. I can handle all that and support him no question but I can't handle the choices he is making over drinking.

Does anyone know what type of help a GP can give him for alcohol problems?

Can someone with experience of Al-Anon give me an idea of what to expect? I don't really want to go to a meeting in my town in case I see someone I know. There is one this evening actually. I wouldn't normally be able to go on a Tuesday because I'd be working. Another one I could attend elsewhere is on a Wednesday evening which is suitable I guess. It totally mucks up my evening before work the next day when I get up at 5am. I know this probably all sounds trivial to you all and like excuses but it's just another example of how I need to up-end my life due to this and make sacrifices because of his choices.

The meeting tonight and Wednesday night are open meetings. I'm not really sure what this means apart from it's when people who perhaps work with alcoholics can also attend the meetings. Does anyone have any further insight?

Even if you see someone you know - the form is to act as if you don't really. What happens at alanon stays at alanon - a bit like Vegas.

To be honest what you need to know is you are not the only one going through this, and it's not going to magically get better.
To know what things you can't change and what you can.

I think you need to refocus on yourself and your children - you can't save him but you can take steps to improve your and their life.

I would also reach out to HR at work and see what if any support you can get there - especially if you can show you are taking real steps to turn your life around.

Just go. Go to the local one tonight. So what if you see someone you know? They're obviously there for the exact same reason. Do it now while tensions are high, in a day or so things might have calmed down a bitand you won't think you need to go until the next crisis.

I feel so fucking alone in all this. I am trying so hard to hold everything together for everyone. The buck stops with me whilst my mental health goes to pieces

Go to Al-Anon, please

I didn't go to many at all. But it gave me clarity and strength

What to expect; lots of tea and biscuits. At mine, we sat in a circle and took turns to talk about whatever we wanted. It wasn't just wives and husbands of alcoholics but sisters, brothers, parents etc. Some people I thought were bonkers and I couldn't relate to anything they were saying. What I found painful was that of the longer term members, they had ALL left their partners and I was looking for a way to fix it/stay with my husband. There was alot of talk of CO-DEPENDENCY and ENABLING which were real turning points for me. I didn't say anything for 3 weeks, I just sat and cried. That in itself was therapeutic. Christ, you've made me want to go back to meetings myself! I think I will.

Also, I joined an on-line discussion before I ever went to face to face meetings, which helped me alot. I will see if I can find a link, it was years ago

@sickofthiso I think this is the online meeting. Can't be sure it's the same one, as format/page has changed over the years...

asafeplaceforrecovery.org/

What are you worried about, going? Remember, you don't have to speak

You will meet people that you can TALK to about this. That in itself is valuable. People who have been in the same place and understand EXACTLY. Who won't judge you or try and make you DO anything.

Just two things op -

I went to Al-Anon to make my Dad's alcoholism 'real'. Anybody living with an alcoholic spends quite a lot of time flip flopping over whether they really are an alcoholic.

Lots of people use injuries/illness as a mask for alcoholism. It is a very good way to justify drinking too much and stops people questioning them. If your husband can get a train and hang out with mates, then his meds are dealing with the pain and he is drinking because he is an alcoholic.

Actually, a third (sorry!) -

While you are thinking about him he is absolutely NOT thinking about you. In fact, you and your children won't figure anywhere in his headspace. No one can help an alcoholic- you providing a roof over his head, childcare and money to buy alcohol is perfect for him to carry on exactly as he wants to. Alcoholics truly are the most selfish people on the planet.

Change the locks and tell him he’s not welcome back until he goes to rehab. He won’t change. Confide in your family so you have support

“Change the locks and tell him he’s not welcome back until he goes to rehab. He won’t change. Confide in your family so you have support”

There isn’t any point doing this. Unless you have lots of money to pay for it, he’s unlikely to get into rehab.

Secondly the recovery rate for alcoholics is really really low. Rehab by no means makes it likely you’ll have a sober husband. If you want to stay together it does mean potentially accepting rehab after rehab, relapse after relapse and tbh, not coming home until a day after expected because he’s in the pub is really minor in the scheme of Problems he could be causing you and the children.

There is no point kicking him out of leaving yourself unless you both have somewhere you can go- which it doesn’t appear you do. You can just separate like normal people, without all the drama, if that’s what you wish

Sorry, a fifth (I really will can it after this )

My Dad put me and my siblings in lots of danger - drink driving, passing out in the evening so leaving us stranded at whatever party it was we needed picking up from, even filling up the car with petrol (he would spill petrol on himself and then light a fag as he got back in the car).

My toddler brother had two serious accidents while in his care and we once came home to find him sitting in the middle of a smashed glass while my dad was passed out on the sofa. My Dad worked a good job and was never sacked so he could have been classed as a 'functioning' alcoholic (never by me, there's no such thing). If you'd met our family you wouldn't have thought we were any different than anyone else.

Thanks all. I am here, reading your replies.

I'm not really sure what to say. My thoughts are all jumbled up and fly from one direction to another.

I don't cope well with stress, it's a trigger for my anxiety and depression. When I feel like this I am unable to function and just shut down. A positive though is that I don't currently feel any worse than when I did on my medication. I know I need to get on with things and try to keep some normalcy for my kids.

I understand completely what you're saying Knitwit99 about going to a meeting now before things calm down until another crisis hits. This is what happened last time.

I'm nervous about going to a meeting, I guess it's around not knowing what to expect. I'm at the stage now where I feel I really need additional support as I feel like I'm floundering.

I was a functioning alcoholic. Like MANY , MANY people. I have a problem with alcohol. So I don't drink AT ALL. because I cant stop. And I have a young son whom I love more than booze.

Believe me.

Your OH needs help NOW! …

Google "Am I a functioning alcoholic" … ;-)

This whole thing sounds awful. And now you've missed work, which I know was a huge issue for you? How has your boss taken it? Did you stay home because you didn't trust him or because you were stressed?

If the former, really really think about that - you don't trust him to look after the children.
If the latter, I know it's hard but I'd be prioritising work at this point over everything except your children's safety because if things continue to degrade, you're going to need that job. Sorry, but it's true.

Is he able to communicate this morning? You need to talk to him while he's sober and explain this can't go on. The drinking. The inconsistency. The unreliability. If he can't cope with the pain, then he needs to go talk to someone about it and explore options from yoga to meditation to different drugs (and yes, I'm fully aware it's not necessarily as easy as that).

Hope things start to get clearer soon.

I'm nervous about going to a meeting, I guess it's around not knowing what to expect

That's understandable. There is no easy way round that. What would be the worst it could be? It's just a bunch of people in variations of the same situation as yourself.

And you can get up and leave, if you hate it. You can get up and leave AND still go back anytime you wanted. No judgement. Every single person at that meeting has been afraid to go to their first meeting, guaranteed

I think you should go meeting tonight, even if someone recognises you they are in the same boat & it IS time for him to own his behaviour,
He is ruining your life. It's not going to disappear, the problem is increasing. It won't simply right itself.
I would wake him up & talk to him without kids present,
Tell him you are going to this meeting, he is to look after the kids, & if he drinks anything today he can leave untill he takes a look at himself & accepts that he is alcoholic. that he is buying with your income I imagine . You are not going to accept his accident as a reason to bring up DC with an alcoholic. They will also be damaged. you are simply trying to hold it together. It stops there.

Been following this thread & your updates OP. He's done a good one on you. He knew you would cave in & not go to work - I expect he didnt actually lose his wallet (how convenient) -just another way of controlling you & keeping you onside.

The only way this will change is if YOU do something about it. Please get help, for you & him as yiyr current environment is no place to bring kids up in.

You HAVE to get your focus on you and your children. Your husband's accident is very sad. But he is an adult and has to make his own choices. Your responsibility is to make choices to protect yourself and your children. You don't have enough resources to make excuses for him/fix his messes etc. No one does. It is not your failing, it's an ENDLESS drain of energy/emotion. You can't love him better. If you could, alcoholism wouldn't be the huge problem that it is. And it wouldn't be known as 'the family disease'.

Google 'detach with love'. You need to start untangling your lives. Don't make arrangements that depend on him.

Don't give him ultimatums

If you are to continue to work, you need to find child care which fit your shifts.

Do you have friends that would do it? I would do a 6am childcare gig to help a friend in your situation.

Can you talk to work and get a working pattern that fits with regular childcare? You should be honest with your employer about your husband's alcoholism and the issues that is causing you with childcare

A nanny?

A change of job?