husband still out - end of my thether

[sickofthis0]

Namechanged for this.

H went out yesterday morning at 10am to an event with friends a couple of hours away and had a hotel booked. All fine. He's never had a night away with friends in the time we've been together so it's not a regular thing.

What is a regular thing is his drinking. We've spoken about it several times over the past few months and nothing changes. We came back from holiday 2 weeks ago and the both of us drank a lot on holiday. Since we've been back I don't think he's been sober 1 night. A few nights, probably most, he's been hammered.

He text me this morning saying they're heading home. I checked that he'd be able to take our eldest to a class they go to every Monday. He clarified he would be. Great I thought as we don't ever take the youngest as it's a nightmare. Class starts at 4.30pm.

Got a photo message of a cocktail menu an hour ago saying won't be back, got sidetracked in this pub. I sent a message saying ha ha very funny. He has now sent another photo message of the pub's food menu laughing at the breakfast and booze menu.

I am livid. I was in a bad mood when he left yesterday morning because he'd got drunk again the night before and he left saying why are you in a bad mood with me?!

My problem is - apart from the obvious - is that I am out the house for 16 hours on a Tuesday for work and leave at 6am so I need him here for the kids. I have no one else to ask and I don't want to have to explain why to anyone either. I cannot miss work or go in later.

I don't know what to do right now.

There is lots on the internet about it. Here is one link;

www.verywellmind.com/understanding-detachment-63295

I feel very anxious this morning. Just want to hide under my duvet all day. I'm on my way to work and I'm not looking forward to it.

A few posters have asked how he funds his drinking. We have separate accounts, we don't have joint finances. He has a spending account and a bills account. Most of the household bills come from his account. Now he's not working I transfer money monthly to him to cover the bills and give him equal spending money to me. Food shopping comes out of this too. We both do the food shop.

Well you need to take control of the finances and stop funding his drinking.

You need to transfer all the bills to your account and stop any thing other than minimum money

We have separate accounts, we don't have joint finances. He has a spending account and a bills account. Most of the household bills come from his account. Now he's not working I transfer money monthly to him to cover the bills and give him equal spending money to me. Food shopping comes out of this too

I used to have separate accounts too - and what happened was my H simply didn't pay some bills, including the mortgage. He worked shifts and I was 9-5, so he could go to the pub from 10 am and stay until I was due home. I knew he drank, but I didn't realise how he was funding it - until he sat me down one evening and said "Halifax are seeking repossession and the court date is tomorrow". We had to sell our car and other things to clear the mortgage arrears (never mind the credit cards etc) and I never got financially straight again until I left him.

Your finances sound fine, as long as he doesn't have free access to your money.

I doubt you could change DDs anyway if accounts in his name

feel very anxious this morning. Just want to hide under my duvet all day. I'm on my way to work and I'm not looking forward to it

This is totally understandable. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. And be really kind to yourself

xposts with @gbrogal

Why are you funding his drinking? Stop that immediately.

I agree, bills from your account. And there needs to be a 'no alcohol in the house' rule.

That's a sticky one still though....they are in a relationship and so have equal spending money, as it should be. If he chooses to spend his money on alcohol, that is up to him. OP cannot be restricting his money, if she doesn't approve of how he is spending it. He is an adult and is her husband. He is not a child, to be 'punished'. That is a really really unhealthy dynamic to get into. It's part of CO-DEPENDENCY/ENABLING isn't it. What happens if he stops drinking? Does she reinstate his money? What, after a month, 3 months, 6 months? Then if he falls off the wagon? Withhold his pocket money again? If he has one drink? Or if he goes on a bender?? You really don't want to get hooked into this dynamic with your husband OP. It won't aid your recovery at all

Presumably it's his house as well @acrossthepond55. And he is an adult. OP can't dictate if he drinks alcohol in his own home.

Plus, you try that and he will only hide it. Then you set yourself up to police a rule you have set to control your husband. An adult man

Don't try and control him or his drinking, don't set rules or limits or ultimatums. Don't set yourself up to police his behaviour and your rules. Just concentrate on looking after you and the kids. If you don't want to live with a drunk, then plan to live separately

A 'no alcohol in the house' rule, policed by whom?

Once my OH and I separated and he could no longer work, I managed to get all important bills moved to my account, but suddenly having to pay all the bills from one wage wasn't easy and I couldn't have managed in the early days without support from my parents. You're doing well Op, but do it at your own pace, and don't listen to all the nonsense being spouted about preventing him having access to his money or to alcohol. That's not your job.

@sickofthis0 it sounds like your dh may have PTSD from his accident/trauma?

Has he ever had counselling or therapy in relation to this?

Drinking is a very common way of masking his feelings.

@GBroGal That sounds horrendous

I won't be monitoring his spending or restricting his access to money. We've managed up until now with no issues in that respect.

I really don't think it would be good for my mental health to micro manage his finances all the time and dictate to him when and what he can spend.

Work went well. They were really supportive as always. I've managed to change my shifts around to be able to keep going to the same meeting.

Have been feeling quite down I guess the past couple of days. It seems like forever ago since this all kicked off. I find it's always on the tip of my tongue to want to say something to him like how he's feeling about not having had a drink since monday; if he has said anything to his mum (who he is very close to and cares for) and what we're going to do about going to his family member's 21st birthday party next month. Plus a whole load of other drink related questions! It's like the elephant in the room. I don't really know what to say about anything to him right now. It's a bit awkward tbh.

@sickofthis0 that is great, that work are supportive and have changed your shifts. Does that mean that you won't have to rely on him for childcare?

It definitely takes practice, not talking about it to him! It's really HARD not to isn't it. But, it's his elephant, shove it over to his side of the room. If you WANT to talk to him, talk as if he doesn't drink. Ask him things you would ask if drinking wasn't an issue. It's ok to not speak as well, if that helps. Don't force yourself to. Do something you want to do, to keep occupied, distracted, out of his way...knit, crotchet, read a book, watch Netflix, yoga, have a bath, sleep. Make sure you get enough sleep and rest, because it's exhausting

How are you doing @sickofthis0?

@Pricedrop Not too bad today. It's been up and down. My mood has been all over the place with yesterday being a really low point. I felt better as the day went on and have been much better today thankfully.

DH still hasn't had a drink. Tomorrow will be 1 week. I'm not sure if he's ever gone a week without a single drink in the time we've been together.

I've swung from thinking maybe he's not that bad to knowing he's got a problem. It's amazing how short my memory is!

I think the past week has been so tough emotionally because going to an al-anon meeting and talking to my work about it has made it "real". I've been feeling very angry and extremely down quite a lot this past week. It's been a rollercoaster that I really don't want to be on.

I'm just appreciating feeling good at this moment in time.

Thanks for checking in

Hope you’re ok, sickofthis, you’re not alone.

@sickofthis0, sorry you have been feeling like you’re on a rollercoaster. It’s hard to admit how things are and painful; but ultimately liberating. It’s not your problem to hide; in hiding it you are enabling. So it sounds like you are well on the way to a healthier way. He needs to take resoinsibility. You can only state your boundaries and then stick to them. Never ever give him the benefit of the doubt. I think all of us have done that too many times

Incidentally, I found when I was honest and talked about my ex’s drink problem, I was amazed at how many people opened up about the similar problems they’d had with partners, parents etc. I bet you will find the same

@Mythreefavouritethings

@Fleetheart You can only state your boundaries and then stick to them. Never ever give him the benefit of the doubt.

^^This feels like very good advice. It's so easy to smudge the boundaries little by little and before you know it you're back to square one wondering how the hell that happened. I need to keep mentally bringing myself to centre when I feel things going haywire and off kilter again.

Not giving him the benefit of the doubt is a good thing for me to remember.

I've already had that happen - others sharing their own experiences. It did make me wonder how many other people do I know who are going through similar.