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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

husband still out - end of my thether

227 replies

sickofthis0 · 29/07/2019 15:29

Namechanged for this.

H went out yesterday morning at 10am to an event with friends a couple of hours away and had a hotel booked. All fine. He's never had a night away with friends in the time we've been together so it's not a regular thing.

What is a regular thing is his drinking. We've spoken about it several times over the past few months and nothing changes. We came back from holiday 2 weeks ago and the both of us drank a lot on holiday. Since we've been back I don't think he's been sober 1 night. A few nights, probably most, he's been hammered.

He text me this morning saying they're heading home. I checked that he'd be able to take our eldest to a class they go to every Monday. He clarified he would be. Great I thought as we don't ever take the youngest as it's a nightmare. Class starts at 4.30pm.

Got a photo message of a cocktail menu an hour ago saying won't be back, got sidetracked in this pub. I sent a message saying ha ha very funny. He has now sent another photo message of the pub's food menu laughing at the breakfast and booze menu.

I am livid. I was in a bad mood when he left yesterday morning because he'd got drunk again the night before and he left saying why are you in a bad mood with me?!

My problem is - apart from the obvious - is that I am out the house for 16 hours on a Tuesday for work and leave at 6am so I need him here for the kids. I have no one else to ask and I don't want to have to explain why to anyone either. I cannot miss work or go in later.

I don't know what to do right now.

OP posts:
anitagreen · 29/07/2019 16:35

Please don't just turn up my mum used to do this to my dad at the pub and it was horrible we'd just stand around like spare parts as then she would start drinking too I know that's not you so it's better, but we shouldn't of been involved at all

Missingstreetlife · 29/07/2019 16:36

Please go to alanon. He should go to aa, or you should split. This is no life for you or dc. Best wishes.

Original poster
sickofthis0 · 29/07/2019 16:36

He doesn't work now because of the accident.

OP posts:
Bumbags · 29/07/2019 16:39

How much is he spending on alcohol per week?

ChillUrBeans · 29/07/2019 16:40

He doesn't work now because of the accident. Just read your updates. i think you have bigger problems and so does he.

i would go to your Dr's and talk to them about the situation or call support helpline, it seems as if his accident is causing him long term damage and he is drinking to escape it. Did he have head injury at all? This can change a persons personality - maybe he needs to go for counselling or get additional support rather than self medicating.

Isthebigwomanhere · 29/07/2019 16:41

Op I think he has a serious drinking problem.
You need to spell it out to him about a behaviour change.

I suspect he won't change and therefore you will have to decide to live with a alcoholic or leave.

MollyButton · 29/07/2019 16:43

I think you need to come up with a back up plan for tomorrow. Could your parents have the children?
I also think you need to arrange some child care so you can go and attend an Alanon meeting.
Your H has a problem with alcohol - if he won't deal with it then you need to stop enabling him and protect your children.

darlingtwinklebum · 29/07/2019 16:45

I agree with pp about AA. He must have issues with alcohol to be doing this every night for 2 weeks. It's not healthy for any of you. Hope you manage to find a solution Thanks

lmusic87 · 29/07/2019 16:47

So sorry OP, sounds very hard.

He needs a wake-up call

Original poster
sickofthis0 · 29/07/2019 16:48

I don't have anyone that can have the children tomorrow, certainly not from 6am until about 10pm. It needs lots of planning for my children to be looked after by others for various reasons.

OP posts:
Original poster
sickofthis0 · 29/07/2019 16:49

I can't take the day off work, I have had many absences due to my husband's issues over (accident related, not alcohol) over the past couple of years and I cannot take anymore time off for this. I'm currently on a warning as it is.

OP posts:
AliceAbsolum · 29/07/2019 16:50

Google Al anon. Saved my life. Alcoholism is a horrible horrible thing. You need help to cope with it, everyone does x

FreshAprilStart · 29/07/2019 16:51

@SunniDay

I was that child, dragged to find drunk father in pubs. It's awful. Shaming, embarrassing, makes you fill up with anxiety at the conflict to come.

Still makes me shaky thinking about it, and that was 40 odd years ago.

I've never said this before on here, but leave Op. He's an alcoholic. Leave.

Wonkybanana · 29/07/2019 16:55

Based on your last post OP, how would he react if you pointed out to him that you're on the brink of losing your job and therefore losing the income that you bring in, so he has to step up?

Redwinestillfine · 29/07/2019 17:05

Send him a message. Tell him you hope he's not drunk and that you're disappointed he is clearly not able to take ds to his activity. Tell him it's out if order and remind him he's on duty tomorrow.

RedDogsBeg · 29/07/2019 17:05

I take it he is not back and your child has missed their class?

Your children have no choice in this, but you do. What are you going to do if he is in no fit state to look after the children tomorrow?

On another note, you say you both drank a lot on holiday, did you not think excessive holiday drinking would lead to this?

supersop60 · 29/07/2019 17:06

Oh dear OP - this sounds intolerable.
Please don't waste your energy seething - use that anger and turn it into action. You need a plan, and you need people to help you.
Doctor, Al-anon. CAB etc Wise people on here have made good suggestions.

Supersimpkin · 29/07/2019 17:15

Flowers OP, you're married to a drunk.

First things first:

  1. Take time to accept it. It's in his interests, and in some of yours, to deny it. But that just makes it worse in the long term. It's an awful shock at first, so be nice to yourself.
  2. Believe what people with experience tell you about alcoholism. All the cliches are true.
  3. Esp the ones about alcoholics damaging their DC. Think about leaving.
  4. Ask for help. Be truthful about why.

This is a horrible, tricky road you're all on. If DH doesn't deserve his problems, you sure as hell don't.

Don't try and do everything at once, it's too much.

DirtyDennis · 29/07/2019 17:18

I'm really sorry you're going through this, OP.

In the longer-term, I really think you should consider LTB for your children's sake.

I grew up with a dad who boozed a lot. He was at the pub every weeknight, every Saturday night (often didn't come home until Monday morning), and every Sunday lunchtime. Him and my mum used to have rows but hushed rows that they thought I didn't know about - I knew only too well and had a constant feeling of anxiety and sadness.

My dad died she I was 12. I was glad. I'd started to hate him. I'm 33 now and I'm sure that if my dad had lived we'd be NC.

Please don't let this man do this to your children. Leave him.

MollyButton · 29/07/2019 17:25

If your children have SN - then maybe you need to be looking into DLA, and using that to pay for appropriate child care.

To be honest: Just what are you going to do if he rolls in drunk at 10pm or later?
I know that is a disaster- but you can't say it won't happen. Maybe it would be better if you acted responsibly and for-warned your employer. But you will have to take steps to ensure that it doesn't happen again - which means not being utterly dependent on someone with an alcohol problem.
The other issue is what do you do if he turns up home now - but considerably the worse for alcohol? Do you leave him in charge of your children for 16 hours tomorrow?

AnnonniMoose · 29/07/2019 17:30

So:

  1. He's putting your own mental health in danger.
  2. He's putting your marriage in danger.
  3. He's putting your DC in danger (watching them whilst drunk/hungover).
  4. He's putting your job at risk.
  5. He's not there for you or the DC when you/they need him.

Any positives? I'd say leave him and give him a rude wake-up call. And I have experience as the DD of an alcoholic DM (who drank herself to death).

MammaBot211 · 29/07/2019 17:30

Sounds like he has PTSD and that drinking in his own mind helps him cope with the significant change in his life. I think he probably knows he is doing it, getting him to stop drinking and get the help he needs is the main thing. He needs to do this himself.

RosaWaiting · 29/07/2019 17:42

OP just wondering about the accident you refer to

I had an accident which could easily have left me disabled. I’m not a drinker but the PTSD was enough to make me think about being one! Maybe he needs help.

Mix56 · 29/07/2019 17:46

You send him a message saying to get his arse back home, tomorrow you are out at 6pm, if he can't reign it in you will lose your job, therefore no income.
If he isn't back by 8pm then he might as well go elsewhere.

Mix56 · 29/07/2019 17:46

6 am sorry

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