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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask the real reason you chose to have children

168 replies

thrumylookingglass · 29/07/2019 14:45

Long time lurker, and not a mum! But love Mumsnet as it's is a great forum for all women (and men!).

Was fascinated with another thread I was following over the weekend about whether people felt that having children makes you a better than those that are childfree.

I've always been ambivalent about childbearing and certainly don't feel somehow lacking, or deviating from the norm. In fact according to government statistics, nearly 1 in 5 women in the UK are childfree, compared to 1 in 10 of their mother's generation.

My own mother often told me she had me and DB to ensure she had someone to look after her in old age!

The variety of comments I've had include, that I'm being selfish, that maybe I'm just not ready, that I'm really missing out, that I just can't possibly understand how fulfilling it is etc.

I, quite honestly feel none of those things, and strongly suspect that most women (and men) choose to have children because that's what they think they're supposed to do and supposed to want.

AIBU to suspect that it's as simple as this?

OP posts:
chamenanged · 29/07/2019 14:52

Not unreasonable, more just daft.

Confusedandworried321 · 29/07/2019 14:52

I just knew I wanted them, and had done since I was a teen/young adult.

I would strongly advise anyone who doesn't know, or doesn't want children, NOT to have them though. Or to at least really think about it if they are unsure. I have two DS and DS1 was a delightfully easy baby and toddler until he got nearer to 3. He is 3.7 now and much better than he was only a month or so ago! But the challenges in terms of parenting just get bigger. He may or may not be on the spectrum and it'll be a long time before we ever know, so I'm having to live with that uncertainty day to day. The worry about him, especially his future, is crippling some days as I love him so much and the thought of him struggling makes my heart physically hurt. DS2 is just a baby but I know I'll have the same worries for him.

I do envy the care-free-ness of my child free friends, or even of those who just have small babies, as they have no idea of the worry to come!

CalmFizz · 29/07/2019 14:54

Beyond the basic biological purpose of life element?

MsMarvellous · 29/07/2019 14:54

I can't explain it to someone who hasn't experienced it but that biological thing that women describe where the need to have children is just their, like thirst or hunger, I had that. If you think about it a certain number of us need that to maintain the species.

CrazyCatLady159 · 29/07/2019 14:55

Because my birth control was no longer working - was given wrong information at the GP and didn't know I was pregnant until 11 weeks; didn't agree with abortion so had my daughter.

Having children is an individual choice and if someone doesn't want them / chooses not to have them - that's their choice and I would never be so rude as to question someone why they had them / didn't have them 2bh ha .... people think others need to have children to have achieved something - but I really don't see it that way

If you're happy with your life as it is; continue it Smile

QueenofmyPrinces · 29/07/2019 14:55

Child number 1) Because we were newlyweds and it felt like it was something that was supposed to come next. It wasn’t something thing we really thought through in depth really.

Child number 2) Because I wanted a sibling for DC1 but also because our family didn’t feel complete with only one child.

Klobluchar · 29/07/2019 14:56

People have their own reasons for having or not having kids but there is definitely societal pressure (on women especially) to reproduce. You only have to look at how people who choose not to have children are treated to know that.

I think most people who have kids did want to have children (even if perhaps not at that exact moment but vaguely at some point ) but this doesn’t mean there isn’t expectation

dodgeballchamp · 29/07/2019 14:57

I really don’t want kids and have known that pretty much forever, it’s just a deep, instrinsic desire never to have them in the same way people who want them feel.

I don’t think everyone who has kids does it just because they think they should, I think some people really do actively want them, but I think a large proportion do it because of societal expectations or because they don’t consider that there is an alternative, yes

Yearinyearout · 29/07/2019 14:59

I was bored and it seemed the natural next step after getting married. I can't say we gave it the amount of thought we should have!

PooWillyBumBum · 29/07/2019 14:59

Both mine were conceived whilst using contraception so I'm not the person to ask, but I truly believe life can be just as full and fulfilling without kids. And I think lots of people do have them because it's what they're supposed to do.

I love my daughter, and will love the child I'm carrying, but I can equally see another path I'd have taken in which I travelled more, was more aggressive in my career, maintained a wider range of interesting friendships and found joy in other things.

If you don't want a child people are being U to try and talk you into it.

DefConOne · 29/07/2019 15:00

I had an intense desire to have a baby that came from nowhere at the age of 30. Total biological clock cliche. I didn’t even like babies or children. Had another as DH an only and I had a big gap with my sibling and we wanted company for the first one. It’s been bloody hard work.

MontStMichel · 29/07/2019 15:01

I had children because I wanted them, and knew from my mid teens that I would try to have them, when the time was right - ie had met Mr Right, had a home, marriage, stable finances, etc!

I suffered broodiness periodically from about age 19, when the desire to have a baby was as real as hunger! It was only common sense that stopped me!

LadyOfTheFlowers · 29/07/2019 15:02

First one because we felt it was 'what you do'
Second because we didn't want just one
I wanted a 3rd
4th was a surprise

Pinkout · 29/07/2019 15:02

I haven’t done anything because it’s what I thought society expected of me, I don’t just fall into line like that.

I had children because I’ve always wanted to have children and I thought I would die feeling unfulfilled if I didn’t have them. I would have felt empty had I never had children. No judgement against anyone child free, everyone is obviously different but I just always really wanted children.

littlepaddypaws · 29/07/2019 15:02

i've got 6 [now adults] over two marriages, i really wanted a big family as i was an only child [massive back story -stately homes] plus i'm an earth mother type.
certainly do not expect them to care for me in old age, they know my plans, rather than be a burden to them, they have their own lives to lead.
re; your question there is nothing wrong with not wanting dc, i wonder sometimes how many men feel pushed into parenthood to keep their partner happy, judging by the number of dead loss fathers mentioned on here

lau888 · 29/07/2019 15:08

You're being unreasonable if you think people have kids simply because society has told them they must have kids. However, I do think most people instinctively know whether they want to have kids or not - and it is perfectly reasonable to fall into the "I don't want kids" category.

Don't ever feel that you must have a baby to please someone else. Becoming a parent is a big commitment and it should always be of your own free choice. You absolutely are ready to make this choice, you are not missing out on something you do not want, and you are not being selfish in any way. x

littlewriggler · 29/07/2019 15:09

I chose to have kids (one baby so far but want another) because I like kids, work with them sometimes, and wanted my own. It could be for selfish reasons - I essentially made a person who I can shape to be like me and who is conditioned to love me.

I think you can argue its selfish whichever choice you make. It's selfish to want a mini version of yourself to love you unconditionally, and to put more people on an overpopulated planet. Or it's selfish to not bother to spend your time, effort and money raising the next generation of workers who you will benefit from in the future.

Biologically, of course, a lot of humans feel the need to have children because it's how we're programmed. Others are happier to help out with relatives kids, like other social animals do. Others would rather contribute to society in other ways. It's all fine and comes down to personal preference. But we need some people to procreate otherwise we'd be screwed as a race and our old age wouldn't be much fun without a functioning society.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 29/07/2019 15:12

I had them because DH wanted them. Im ambivalent about children TBH. I prefer them now they are adult, but the whole childhood thing left me cold. Once they get to secondary school, they are much better

Alsohuman · 29/07/2019 15:13

I blame my friend’s three year old daughter who looked like a Mabel Lucie Attwell illustration. I fell hopelessly in love and was overcome with broodiness. I seem to have a disproportionate number of friends who don’t have children.

MondeoFan · 29/07/2019 15:13

It's the best thing I ever did and I wouldn't change it.
We do so much together and I have all those lovely memories to look back on when I'm older. I certainly didn't have them because I thought they could look after me in old age.
For me my children are everything I'm looking forward to watching them grow up and to see them have their own babies.
They are my life and I am theirs atm.

GeneandFred · 29/07/2019 15:14

No children here neither.

I'm 34 and never wanted them, neither has my husband. Never imagined myself with kids when I was younger, don't have the need or want to have a child and enjoy my life the way it is. Plus, I don't know if we could afford it. I mean, technically we could but I'd have to stop my holidays, calm down my social life and turn my dressing room into a baby room and that's never going to happen so nope, definitely not having kids!

I've had so much pressure from my parents and family, especially since I'm an only child but we don't let it get to us. Think people just expect you to have kids especially when you get married!

BillywigSting · 29/07/2019 15:16

Because I got knocked up while I was on the pill, didn't realise I was pregnant for ages and couldn't bring myself to have an abortion, especially after the (very positive) way dp reacted to the news.

Wasn't a bad call I don't think. Ds is pretty ace.

tisonlymeagain · 29/07/2019 15:16

No1 and No 2 because I just knew I always wanted a family and didn't just want one. I wanted to experience pregnancy and childbirth and bringing up a child of my own.

Pregnant now with No3 with a new partner and years after I thought I was done, we both just had that overwhelming urge. Probably more than I did the first time around to be honest.

gonewiththepotter · 29/07/2019 15:19

Saying ‘wanting children is a choice’ is like saying ‘being gay is a choice’.

Honesty that’s how ridiculous it sounds.

Is everybody gay? No
Is it a choice if you feel that way? No
Is it always clear cut? No

There are 3 types of people -
1- People who want children
2- People who don’t want children
3- People who could go either way so let factors (often practical ones) influence their decisions!

But if you think of that in terms of gay- straight and Bi...suddenly this post seems much more offensive!

Desire to have children (or not) is very personal. Personally I don’t think anybody should comment on anybody else’s choices as you don’t know what’s going on in other people’s lives. BUT I hate how being a parent is becoming such a ‘looked down on’ thing! People genuinely seem to prefer dogs to children and part of me wonders whether we’ve just hit that stage of evolution where we are discouraging procreation as it’s simply time to give up!

If people don’t have children, there just won’t be future generations. Or it’ll go the way of idiocracy (a film I would strongly recommend) where there’s no longer a diverse mix of education levels/professions reproducing as it’s become so ‘unfashionable’.

You see people complaining about children being brought out in public, to events or cafe’s/restaurants and you think 🙄😡 They are People too and have WAY more right to be here than your daschund does!!!

NavyBerry · 29/07/2019 15:21

that biological thing that women describe where the need to have children is just their, like thirst or hunger, I had that.

That! I was desperate. And I wasn't old. It began at about 25