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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask the real reason you chose to have children

168 replies

thrumylookingglass · 29/07/2019 14:45

Long time lurker, and not a mum! But love Mumsnet as it's is a great forum for all women (and men!).

Was fascinated with another thread I was following over the weekend about whether people felt that having children makes you a better than those that are childfree.

I've always been ambivalent about childbearing and certainly don't feel somehow lacking, or deviating from the norm. In fact according to government statistics, nearly 1 in 5 women in the UK are childfree, compared to 1 in 10 of their mother's generation.

My own mother often told me she had me and DB to ensure she had someone to look after her in old age!

The variety of comments I've had include, that I'm being selfish, that maybe I'm just not ready, that I'm really missing out, that I just can't possibly understand how fulfilling it is etc.

I, quite honestly feel none of those things, and strongly suspect that most women (and men) choose to have children because that's what they think they're supposed to do and supposed to want.

AIBU to suspect that it's as simple as this?

OP posts:
MyFlabberIsAghast · 29/07/2019 18:12

I can't explain it, up until my late 20s I was adamant I didn't want children, then almost overnight I completely switched and became desperate to have them. It felt like a 'need'. I've now got 2 and though it's hard, I wouldn't change them for anything. But having them was a completely selfish decision on my part (well, and ExH)

WatcherintheRye · 29/07/2019 18:41

I wanted to experience something exhilarating, challenging, mysterious - I suppose having children was my Everest! It was the most exciting opportunity available to me (for which I needed no previous experience - an added bonus!), and I wanted to see what it was like for myself!

73Sunglasslover · 29/07/2019 18:57

Totally wrong IMHO. There were lots of things I was 'supposed to do' which I haven't done. I wanted kids. I had 2. Would have liked more but secondary infertility put pay to that. Best thing I ever did having kids. I don't think we should assume that all women want them but if you don't want them I don't think you should assume that others only have them because it's what's expected.

Original poster
thrumylookingglass · 29/07/2019 19:07

I've been catching up with the responses and I'm pleased that for the majority of people there was no choice to be made, and that it was something almost "primal". I think deep down I wish I had that strong feeling.

For those PP who think that there was any sort of tone to my post, or that I'm trying to be cool, modern, independant etc you couldn't be further from the truth. I'm just an ordinary woman, leading an ordinary life.

I do sometimes wonder whether I should have just gone along with people's expectations, and whether, when I'm old, grey and incapable I'll regret not having the love and care (hopefully) from my own DC.

Having a catholic upbringing definately hasn't helped, as the general view there is that marriage and sex are for procreation and building a family and cannot be just about love, lust and sharing a life together!

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 29/07/2019 19:09

I never planned to have children. DS was contraceptive failure and I couldn't bear to give him up. He is my one and only.

wheresmymojo · 29/07/2019 19:11

We're just about to start TTC, I only want one DC, my reasons are a mix of:

  • I see it as providing a sort of fundamental 'purpose', something to life that's a bit deeper than work/sleep/repeat
  • I think having a child would bring a lot of joy to us and our parents
  • Without having a child I feel like things might bet a bit boring, there's something interesting to watching a child grow through various stages of life that can't easily be replaced with other things (not saying impossible, just not easily)
  • I'd like to experience the overwhelmingly love/bond a parent has with a child
  • I think old age will be more interesting when we have an adult child to visit (and if lucky, grandchildren)
  • It's someone to look after us in old age (not necessarily 'hands on' but at least make decisions about homes or similar if we've lost our marbles)
wheresmymojo · 29/07/2019 19:14

I don't have any broody, primal feeling TBH. Perhaps occasionally and very fleetingly at most.

I definitely don't feel I have to/should have children as I don't buy in to 'societal expectations' in that way, if I didn't want one I'd happily not have one. Three of my close friends don't have DC and are in their mid-40s and not planning to have any.

kenandbarbie · 29/07/2019 19:18

Because it was all I ever really wanted and my life felt empty and meaningless without them. I was proved right because I feel fulfilled and happy since having them.

goose1964 · 29/07/2019 19:19

Overwhelming maternal urge. I wanted kids from around age 15, finally had my first at 24. Unfortunately I wasn't very good at pregnancy and after my 3rd my obstetrician told me another pregnancy could kill me.

BertieBotts · 29/07/2019 19:20

I had children because I wanted to have children Confused I like having children, I always thought I would like it and I do.

I'm sure some people do it because it's "what you're supposed to do" but I think most people do it cause they want to. It is not as though the child free lifestyle is a secret or taboo in this country. Birth control and abortion are not difficult to come by and most people have decent sex education. I think if someone doesn't want children by and large they won't have them. Of course accidents happen, people might miss the window of fertility, have fertility problems or change their minds etc but the majority have children or don't have them because that's what they wanted to do. Maybe some people don't feel very strongly either way but I think most people have an idea about whether they want children or not and act on that.

Purpleartichoke · 29/07/2019 19:21

I believe having children should only be a considered choice. That is exactly what I did. I had a child because I wanted the experience of raising a child and had the resources to do so.

wheresmymojo · 29/07/2019 19:23

* People comment...that I'm really missing out, that I just can't possibly understand how fulfilling it is etc.*

I suspect it's one of those things where its such a different lifestyle that (given that you don't feel broody, etc) you can't miss what you haven't experienced IYSWIM.

RedSheep73 · 29/07/2019 19:28

I think it's got bugger all to do with what you are supposed to want. I didn't want kids at all until my biological clocked kicked in at around 28. Maybe a cliche but that's the only way to describe it. There was nothing rational, I just craved a child, nothing else mattered until I finally got one. If you are still weighing up the pros and cons, fine, don't have one. But don't assume you know anything about anyone else's experience.

Yogurtcoveredricecake · 29/07/2019 19:28

I'm scared of spiders, my husband works away a lot so having a child means eventually I'll have someone to catch spiders for me. It's a long game but fingers crossed worth it in the end.

loveyou3000 · 29/07/2019 19:30

I fell pregnant unexpectedly and honestly buried my head in the sand about it. Then she was born and it just became my new normal, not sure I ever really decided to have a child exactly.
I do want another but not a biological child, I feel a deep longing that I can't put into words, it's the same kind of need as needing to drink water, to adopt.

Imo there's absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting kids, it's one of the best things you can do for the environment and some couples or individuals choosing not to have children won't damn the future of the planet, there will still be families having 7 kids to make up for those who choose not to have kids at all

Original poster
thrumylookingglass · 29/07/2019 19:31

@wheresmymojo I do see what you mean, and your mix of reasons has made me think about this in another way

OP posts:
bumbleboots · 29/07/2019 19:31

My hormones made me do it.

altiara · 29/07/2019 19:49

I’ve always wanted to have children, whether that was because I was ‘supposed to’ I don’t know.
But i do remember very early on in my career being pleased to see the more senior positions were more flexible with part time / home working /less travel so it was definitely a career that I could do and have a family.
When I was 24 I was vvvv broody. Didn’t tell the brand new boyfriend!
By the time I was 30, I was over having kids, had just got my dream job so obviously that’s when I fell pregnant.
DC2 - wanted to have a sibling for DC1.

Trinpy · 29/07/2019 19:54

I wanted someone to visit me in the old people's home.

I also thought my dh was such a nice bloke that it would be good if we had a baby that was like him, to offset all the arseholes in the world.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 29/07/2019 20:16

I'm scared of spiders, my husband works away a lot so having a child means eventually I'll have someone to catch spiders for me. It's a long game but fingers crossed worth it in the end

Love it!

I remember, in the early days of my brand new relationship with the man who would become my husband, looking at him and seeing our children. It was shocking and terrifying a primal. We hung on until we married then immediately started trying.

Unfortunately nothing we did worked and the more we tried the more the Dream faded and an obsession with all things reproduction took over. The mechanical processes were more important than the end result. The picture I had held for years of our children faded until the reality hit thar they were never going to exist.

My husband killed himself because he couldn't cope with that and I threw myself into work.

Now I'm with someone else and I look at him and see a wonderful future. Me, him and my dogs 😂

Original poster
thrumylookingglass · 29/07/2019 20:32

@Leighhalfpennysthigh don’t know how to respond to this, but a happy future with dogs sounds good to me x

OP posts:
AloneLonelyLoner · 29/07/2019 20:34

Stupidity in my case. Rampant feckless dumbassery.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 29/07/2019 20:35

I, quite honestly feel none of those things, and strongly suspect that most women (and men) choose to have children because that's what they think they're supposed to do and supposed to want.

Sometimes. Many people are undoubtedly conformists. That's something I can safely say I've never been - social 'expectation makes me impatient and there are not many people whose approval I'd care to earn. That said I don't really see what's wrong with it unless you try to foist that conformism onto others (step forward most organized religions and the conservatives ...)

I wasn't particularly interested in marriage or children. And then my mother died early and I began to realize that not being part of a loving family for the remainder of my life wasn't something I'd considered too deeply, but wasn't what I wanted. The deal was sealed when I became pregnant and immediately lost the baby. I realized, as soon as I saw the small pink line, just how much I wanted that baby, and how deeply I grieved for his/her loss.

We tried for 10 years and lost 4 more babies before finally having our much-wanted DC. We had an alternative life planned should this have proved never to be possible, and I'd never have felt I was somehow less of a woman or human being if I'd been unable to reproduce. But I wanted my family desperately, and I cherish the love DC has brought into our lives.

Everyone's different, OP. It's okay to want a family or not want one, and I doubt there are many other people who would care either way. It's your life, your choice, and there's no need to justify this either to yourself or anyone else (excepting your partner).

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 29/07/2019 20:36

I dont think you can generalise about why people want kids.

I think there is unnecessary pressure on people. I dont get why anyone cares if someone else has kids or not (unless they are worried someone they care about may change their mind later when it's too late....which to be fair has happened to a few people I know, or they have had one kid instead of two because they have run out of time). But otherwise, advising someone to have a child when they dont want one seems a really stupid thing to do!

Littleblurry · 29/07/2019 20:38

Accidental baby while on the pill here. I thought I liked my commitment free life more than kids.

I do miss my old carefree fun life but I have a 1 YO who genuinely fills my heart with joy every day. Would not be without him (except for the odd hour of peace and night out which I can fortunately have because of lots of loving grandparents dying to babysit. Oh and most mornings I could do without the 5am wake up call)