To ask the real reason you chose to have children

[thrumylookingglass]

Long time lurker, and not a mum! But love Mumsnet as it's is a great forum for all women (and men!).

Was fascinated with another thread I was following over the weekend about whether people felt that having children makes you a better than those that are childfree.

I've always been ambivalent about childbearing and certainly don't feel somehow lacking, or deviating from the norm. In fact according to government statistics, nearly 1 in 5 women in the UK are childfree, compared to 1 in 10 of their mother's generation.

My own mother often told me she had me and DB to ensure she had someone to look after her in old age!

The variety of comments I've had include, that I'm being selfish, that maybe I'm just not ready, that I'm really missing out, that I just can't possibly understand how fulfilling it is etc.

I, quite honestly feel none of those things, and strongly suspect that most women (and men) choose to have children because that's what they think they're supposed to do and supposed to want.

AIBU to suspect that it's as simple as this?

I had them not because I felt maternal but because I grew up a very. very lonely child even though I had a sibling. I tried to commit suicide at 6. I remeber very clearly not being able to cope with the fact that life was so very, very, very long. And my childhood was just awful. Painful and lonely and long and awful, and I don;t have one single happy memory until I was 16. My dad died when I was a teen, he was an only child, and it was left to me as a teenager to sort everything out for my nan, who soon developed severe Alzheimers. My goal was to have three - backups for each other, but also, I dreamed of those happy full family christmases every one else seemed to have with big familes and grandkinds and partners etc.

I'm not stupid - my own sibling and I don't really speak thanks to a fucked up childhood so it was always a gamble as to how my own would turn out and whether they would even get on. But I had to try. I also never trusted my life to a man to be my happiness, and I knew I could at least find true, deep love through my children. I could love them, and even if they didn;t love me back, I still would;ve known real love. And again, caveat - things can go wrong. Drugs etc can fuck up a child. Who knows how they may turn out sometimes. Maybe I would never be close to any of them, but I couldn;t surely fuck it up as much as my screaming drunken "hormonal" mother. and abusive father. It was hard at first, but they are my absolute reason for being. I would've killed myself long ago if it wasn't for them. They've given my life meaning where there never would've been a hope of having any. And that's what I kind of foresaw as a kid, that no job, no dog, could've ever papered over my own personal cracks. It's obviously different for everyone - I'm in no way at all saying kids are everyone's saviour! But they were for me personally. I completely understand why people choose not to have them. But I'm grateful I was able to.

@YouJustDoYou thank you for sharing that. Do you have your planned 3?

From being 14 years old I wanted a child of my own. With my first long term bf and got pregnant 11 months after we got together at age 21.

It was a drive I had, I needed a baby in my body to grow and nurture.

I want another baby now as DD is 6 and desperately wants a sibling. I have that urge still BUT I also had a horrible pregnancy and suffered PND and PTSD so am worried that would surface again. I barely got though last time.

I have always been maternal played with dolls then played with the little kids on the street then baby sat. I knew I wanted 2 kids I feel pregnant very unexpected with ds2 so just went with it then had ds2 and knew I was done.

I love being a mum but if I fell pregnant again I would be upset I'm done with the baby bit.

I didn't decide to have DC, I was driven to do it. An absolute primal urge, it was not a choice.

I quite fancied a mini - me .

@thrumylookingglass, somehow, yes, it all worked out ok in the end, (and sorry for the long post before), though my first didn't make it past 6 months gestation. I never thought I could just "have kids" - it took over a year to fall pregnant with the first, who didn't make it. Then another 18 months for the next. We were extremely lucky to have three close together - I think mentally I couldn;t have coped with the stress of pregnancy had it not happened that way and I would've given up sooner.

Didn't choose to have any OP

Unexpectedly found myself with dc

We had to really think about whether to go ahead or not. Later in life very settled.

I'm not maternal no 'primal urges' here for sure.

Glad we did though

For me, @MsMarvellous hit the nail on the head. It's exactly why I chose to have a baby.

I'm not a kid loving person naturally. I suppose I first considered having children because it seemed like the next ’step’. And those ’steps’ are mostly social constructs aren't they? For me it was a gamble that paid off. Although I'm not into kids generally, I'm very into my own lo and really enjoy him. It could have gone the other way i suppose. I'm glad it didn't though! So yeah, for me it wasn't a burning desire to have a child or that i had always dreamt of being a mother.

I didn’t plan to have ds, I’ve had no more. But I couldn’t imagine my life without him, the joy, memories, all the 1st. The unconditional love

@YouJustDoYou glad it worked out for you. Can’t imagine feeling like you did, even in some of my darkest “what are you doing?” moments

@MarthasGinYard I did have a (terminated) pregnancy in my late 20’s. Although I don’t have any regrets ... I often wonder if this was a mistake

I didn't know how much I wanted a baby until I unexpectedly fell pregnant and miscarried.

I always knew I wanted children.

Wanted mat leave because I had a v stressful job. Also, someone to talk to when I get older. The fun of raising them and teaching them stuff.

I was 33 when I got oh by accident, I decided to keep the baby at that time. Not sure I'd ever have made the choice to have one otherwise. My sister is childfree and very happy with her choice. She certainly isn't less of a woman than me, which has been said in the past.

All if my childfree friends have fulfilling and happy lives.

** pg by accident

Here

Feel exactly the same

Reason for no 1. Because I absolutely could not imagine life without a baby. I was hormonal and broody for years. Reason for baby no 2. Probably partly society expectation that a child on own might miss out. Also, because I couldn't bear the thought of him one day being in the world on his own. Obviously absolutely adore baby no 2. Was just less broody than first time round. Do I feel as though you can have a wonderful life without children, if by genuine choice? - hell yeah! Does this mean that they are 'missing out'? Not really because you can't really miss out if you don't know what you're missing out on. And unless you have had kids and held them in your arms, you will never really get or fully understand it.

I love children.

I'm the eldest of 3 siblings, many many cousins and I've been looking after other people's kids since I was 13 and getting paid to do so from I was 14.

I'm a former nanny and childminder and I've also done voluntary roles for children's groups.

After my first mc at 18, the broodiness went nuts! The pregnancy was unplanned but was still heartbreaking for me.

Sadly had another mc when ttc with exh, eventually having dd, but we both almost died at the birth and turns out I couldn't have any more which has been something I've really struggled to come to terms with. To illustrate my point there are friends and relatives who I get along with, but aren't close enough to know why I've not had more DC, who've expressed their surprise and said things like "I expected you to have a whole footie team". The ones close to me if they're there when this happens very kindly redirect the conversation.

It's been just dd and I for 16 years, we have our ups and downs of course, but I can't imagine life without her. We're a little team and are very close in many ways, others have commented on how open and close our relationship is, always in a positive way. Some of those people have also asked why I don't have more DC, in particular my dds best friend, as her mother and I are very similar and get along well but she comes from a big family and said to dd (before she knew the history) that she was surprised as I seemed the type who would have wanted a big family.

She's at that stage of contemplating leaving home, which is absolutely normal for her age and stage (18 1/2 almost, working full time, first serious boyfriend on scene) and she is looking forward to the positives but we both get a little emotional at the thought of no longer living together. I will miss her, even though she is doing a fair few of the typical annoying late teen things! 😂

But I also have friends and relatives who are child free by choice and I absolutely respect their choice.

Though I must be honest that at least half those I know who have chosen to be child free have done so for less than happy reasons too. A mixture of health factors (genetic issues there is a strong possibility of passing to any biological children), dysfunctional family history and/or doubting they would be good parents, a couple it wasn't what they planned particularly but they didn't meet their life partners/spouses until later in life when a pregnancy would be highly unlikely and/or high risk and they didn't feel it worth the risk.

The others have been honest that they just don't want to have DC, which is not only a perfectly valid decision, but also brave given the societal pressures and absolutely correct as every child deserves to be fully wanted and loved. However, interestingly even a few of these - as we're entering menopausal age - have found they've wondered if they made the right decision. But I suspect that's a combination of hormones messing with heads and the perfectly naturally psychological response to reaching that stage.

"I essentially made a person who I can shape to be like me" be careful what you wish for - all those Facebook memes about children getting their sarcasm from their mother etc tend to come home to roost in teen years😂😂 a friend recently shared one tagging me and dd - something like 'i sometimes struggle to see my likeness in my dd...then she opens her mouth and I'm like - yep there I am!' - dd looks NOTHING like me she is the absolute image of her dad, we barely look related! Completely different build, colouring, features... But oh my she has my "turn of phrase" - not always a good thing!

"Once they get to secondary school, they are much better" I very much often feel an "odd one out" on this score, lots of people seem to like primary school stage, it's actually my least favourite. I love baby and toddler stage and early to mid teen stage (though admit my view on that may be coloured as I'm currently in late teen stage). My volunteering has mainly been with teens and I get on very well with teenagers.

"it amazes me that some people who are naturals with interacting with kids don't want their own." Depending how well you know these people, it may not actually be a choice, I have a few of my close friends/family who "publicly" as in to everyone except those closest to them say they are child free by choice because they don't want to have to explain the many years of ttc, being unable to, ivf, multiple mc etc they've been through. Not saying true of all of them, but certainly worth bearing in mind I think.

Although to balance that, I also know people, especially older friends/family who were child free by choice but because of the comments that would likely invite from certain people they have said they can't have DC. Controversial I know but the people I know personally like this I can understand why they've done this.

I also know people who probably shouldn't have had children but who either caved in to pressure (either societal or from close family/friends often both) or who fell pregnant unexpectedly and it was either before abortion was available, or when they learned they were pregnant was too late to get abortion or were pressured to keep said pregnancy by partner/family/religion/society.

"For some people however the only thing more selfish than not having a child is having only one and we have had criticism." Yep! I've definitely had shitty comments of this kind, possibly more hurtful as only having one wasn't my choice?

I really didn't want to have kids. Then I became a teacher and found my students so joyful, interesting and fun to be with that I changed my mind.

I had kids because I really wanted them in my life. I wanted to meet them and see who would appear in our lives. I wanted to experience pregnancy, childbirth, motherhood and being a granny. I wanted to have people coming and going from my home for the rest of my life. Family basically.

I had a full, fun and curative time in my 20's and 30's after a pretty sad childhood. I was scared as a young woman that I would repeat the cycle of abuse and therefore refused the idea of a family. I walked away from two very good relationships for that reason.
At 39 I met DH (after doing a lot of very intense and expensive theraphy). I thank God every day that I decided to commit the time, energy and money into an emotional future for myself. Due to our age we did not take any precautions fully accepting any outcome. I look at DCs and DH now and whisper "Thank You" to God, Universe, Life whatever the hell...Just a Thank You for this family that I never thought I would have, to have broken the cycle of abuse and for waiting until I was old enough to take it all on.
Sorry, a bit of over sharing there? :))

Hated kids through my 20s, annoying little snotballs.

Earlyish 30s realised if i didnt have them soon id go insaine. It's like a need for food. I needed a baby!

I dont expect my kids to look after me in old age, i expect them to live their lives and travel the world or whatever they want to do.