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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask the real reason you chose to have children

168 replies

thrumylookingglass · 29/07/2019 14:45

Long time lurker, and not a mum! But love Mumsnet as it's is a great forum for all women (and men!).

Was fascinated with another thread I was following over the weekend about whether people felt that having children makes you a better than those that are childfree.

I've always been ambivalent about childbearing and certainly don't feel somehow lacking, or deviating from the norm. In fact according to government statistics, nearly 1 in 5 women in the UK are childfree, compared to 1 in 10 of their mother's generation.

My own mother often told me she had me and DB to ensure she had someone to look after her in old age!

The variety of comments I've had include, that I'm being selfish, that maybe I'm just not ready, that I'm really missing out, that I just can't possibly understand how fulfilling it is etc.

I, quite honestly feel none of those things, and strongly suspect that most women (and men) choose to have children because that's what they think they're supposed to do and supposed to want.

AIBU to suspect that it's as simple as this?

OP posts:

Songes · 29/07/2019 15:23

I fell madly in love with my now DH and wanted his babies. Sounds corny, but it’s true. We are together 18 years and two DC later so it worked out I guess .

OakElmAsh · 29/07/2019 15:32

It's very hard to describe why I wanted children, I just ....did.

And I went very quickly from ambivalence at 26/27 to wanting to have a baby at 28/29. It was that change that then brought on wanting to get engaged & married first, so I suppose there was a societal element to it as I was brought up in a "traditional" environment, so I didn't want to have a baby first

But it was definitely the desire for a child that led me to marriage, rather than the other way around (DH & I probably would've remained unmarried for a good long while afterwards if I wasn't pushed about marrying before having kids)

Sparklybanana · 29/07/2019 15:34

Because its something like nothing else on earth that you experience. Yes, you can stay childless and have great fun doing everything you want to do and then play bingo til youre 90 and then kick the bucket but nothing can compare to the experience of being pregnant, having a baby, raising a child and having a relationship with that person where genuinely you would die to protect them. Don't get me wrong, I'm currently on the bog hiding from said miracles and they can be bloody annoying, but the feeling when they're being amazing is like no other, even if everyone else is like 'wow, it can walk. Why is that Facebook news?'
Some people shouldn't be parents but it amazes me that some people who are naturals with interacting with kids don't want their own. Don't let other peoples kids put you off having kids as you're only seeing a snap shot. My dd for instance. She'll scare the vet forever but that 10 minute appointment from hell is not typical for her.

Tensixtysix · 29/07/2019 15:38

Because there is more meaning to life than making money and making yourself happy.
Because life is for living and enjoying it with your own special family.

Original poster

thrumylookingglass · 29/07/2019 15:40

@chamenanged - why daft?

As soon as I got married the questions about children started. When we explained that we weren't planning on having any, we were made to feel that this isn't normal, that what was the point of getting married if not to start a family.

No-one feels the need to question why couples choose to have children, but definitely have an opinion when you choose not to, and that there must be something wrong with a woman that doesn't have the urge to continue her biological lineage.

OP posts:

IgotApositive · 29/07/2019 15:41

I thought it was the done thing.
I love my children but given the chance? I'd love to go back and wait.
I had my first at 19 and feel like I've missed out on so much

marvellousnightforamooncup · 29/07/2019 15:46

I always imagined having children and when I was in my early 30s I had a strong biological urge. I'd done lots of pubs and partying, travelled etc and I just needed a drastic change.

I adore my children and love being a mum. If I could turn back time I'd have second thoughts about parenthood because of climate change.

Tumbleweed101 · 29/07/2019 15:50

I was broody quite young so wanted children generally.

I also felt reproduction was a natural biological process that life has been doing since life began and wanted to feel connected to that ‘chain of life’.

Having children felt like it gave my life a purpose, that I had people to teach and to have a family of my own.

Some of that, with the distance of over 20 years, was a bit rose tinted glasses and ideological and I’ve learned the true relentless slog of being a parent and that they truly are people in their own right, not the people you ‘imagined’ before having children. However seeing my adult children off out in the world still gives a sense of satisfaction at the biological job done successfully. I raised my young to independence.

Would I do it again? Most probably as the urge was strong to have children. However I’m still curious about the path that might have happened if I hadn’t. Pretty much all my childless friends have better jobs, nicer homes, travel more and have pursued their interests thoroughly while I’ve been chasing after my youngsters and struggling by. I don’t think one choice is better than the other so long as it’s what you want and it isn’t forced on you.

PablosHoney · 29/07/2019 15:51

I wanted them and I’m glad I had them but I totally understand why a woman wouldn’t necessarily want them 🤷‍♀️ As for questioning and making someone feel unnatural as a woman it’s a crock of shite. We need less people not more, crack on

SunshineCake · 29/07/2019 15:51

I wanted to have something to love.

I now have three dc and love them more than life itself. I live for them.

anyoldvic · 29/07/2019 15:51

Having children is the biggest decision of your life. They change everything. It's not all bad, but it's massive. If people could foresee just how much they can and usually do change your life, your wealth, your relationship, your health, your prospects,... they might think harder before making the leap.

And I don't think everyone fully clocks how they bind you to someone for life, whether you like it or not.

userabcname · 29/07/2019 15:53

I really really wanted one. I can't explain it. I just knew I wanted a baby! I was even worse the second time around - much broodier than before I conceived DC1.
I do think some people have kids because they think they should/ pressure from partners and family but I think most people genuinely want them. And I love having kids! Being a mum is fab! I don't think it makes me a better person but I do think it has made my life better overall and I'm much happier now.

mindutopia · 29/07/2019 15:54

I had children because I wanted to have someone in my life who would (in theory, anyway) always be there. So part of it, yes, is having someone to care for me in old age, but it's more than that. It's not even able the care aspect. It's the (perceived) guarantee that your children will outlive you and will always be in your life. It's a bit like having a partner, but one that can't up and leave you, if that makes sense. I wanted to develop a relationship with someone (or several someones) who I felt reasonably sure would still be apart of my life in 20, 30, 50 years.

Now obviously, none of this is guaranteed. Children can die before you do. They can f*ck off and want nothing to do with you. They can turn out to be losers (and you might want nothing to do with them). So in actuality, none of that is certain, but I felt having children made it more likely than not.

I just couldn't really imagine being 60 and finding life fulfilling if I hadn't had children. Much like I couldn't really imagine being 60 and not having a partner. I wouldn't really enjoy my life if it was just me in it. I want people to share that with and people whose connection to me is much more concrete than just a friendship or even a marriage. I would feel quite depressed about life if I didn't have those people to share it with in the future.

I will admit I do feel a bit sad for friends who have not had children (whether by choice or not). I would never express that to them, as it's really not any of my business. They may not feel sad about a future that doesn't involve having those sorts of relationships, so really I keep my trap shut. But when I see their lives through my own eyes, yes, I would feel sad because that's how I would feel if that was me. But I wouldn't say that's any different from how I feel about friends who ended up in a job that isn't really taking them anywhere. I myself would feel depressed to have a job like that (I really love my job and I'm really happy about what the future looks like with it). But again, it's none of my business as long as they are happy, and even if they aren't, I keep my mouth shut. It's nothing to do with me.

user159 · 29/07/2019 16:00

For me I always thought I'd want children. My DH and I have been together since early 20's so just thought it would happen when the time was right. As the years went on I was less bothered and more bothered about my career and our life together (which I loved) but then I was told by doctors it might not happen. I guess I took it for granted that it would just happen when we wanted but hearing that news gave me a now or never feeling that's hard to describe. It turned out treatment for us was straightforward and within 3 months I was pregnant with DD. Both DH and I have said if we knew it would happen that quickly we'd have waited longer but now she's here it's just a completeness for us. We have agreed she will be our only one though, for many reasons but mainly because we are both so focussed on giving her the best life possible whilst not loosing too much of ourselves.

SallyWD · 29/07/2019 16:00

Very strong maternal instinct

chamenanged · 29/07/2019 16:08

Daft to draw this conclusion:

strongly suspect that most women (and men) choose to have children because that's what they think they're supposed to do and supposed to want

from the fact that you personally don't want children. Your phrasing implies that you're more capable than most other people of self awareness and critically examining your own motives and desires.

AnxietyDream · 29/07/2019 16:12

strongly suspect that most women (and men) choose to have children because that's what they think they're supposed to do and supposed to want.

I don't know anyone who had children because they thought they were 'supposed to'. They all either strongly wanted to, or their partner strongly wanted to.

I get that you don't want kids, OP, and that's fine, but that really doesnt mean everyone else feels the same and just has kids out of duty/lack of imagination. It just means they have strong desires you can't imagine.

Pipandmum · 29/07/2019 16:15

I just always thought I would have children. I thought I’d have a career, fall in love get married have kids. The I got to late 30s and no one in the horizon so I thought do or die and signed up to an introduction agency (online was in its infancy - I didn’t even have a mobile phone then)!
A year later I’d met the man I would marry. He already had two kids and said he was happy either way. But I wanted them so luckily got pregnant easily twice in my 40s. He did warn me that having two is four times as hard as one! I discovered I had no idea what it was like being a mum and I didn’t take to it easily, though I have tried my best.
Now 15 years later, I’ve been a widow for ten years so things never work out as you plan them. My kids are great and it was caring for them that got me up every day and getting on with life after my husband’s death. They are wonderful company and great characters and I think my husband would be proud of the people they have become. He lives on through his four children, and I think of him every time I look at them.

Buddywoo · 29/07/2019 16:16

In the 1960's it was what most people just did once they were married. I don't think I gave it much thought and I was bored with my job and thought it would be nice to be at home with a baby.

I loved my children and we are great friends now as adults but I discovered after they were born that I wasn't naturally maternal so it was a hard slog. I don't think I had ever held a baby until my first was born. If I'm honest, I found the whole thing of being at home with young children boring and lonely.

With my grandchildren I love them but don't really enjoy their company until I can hold a decent conversation with them. My oldest grandchild is now 18 and he is the light of my life.

We are all different.

Abhann · 29/07/2019 16:19

I, quite honestly feel none of those things, and strongly suspect that most women (and men) choose to have children because that's what they think they're supposed to do and supposed to want.

Whereas you're all quirky and independent-minded and giving the finger to what society has told you you're supposed to want, as distinct from all of us sheeple, shuffling along and drinking the Have a Family Kool-Aid?

SunshineCake · 29/07/2019 16:21

How many children and grandchildren do you have, Buddywoo?

LittleDoritt · 29/07/2019 16:21

I was broody. I bought I'd be a great mum. I thought DH would be a great dad. I thought it would be fun and rewarding and all golden and glowing and shiny. I was wrong. DH and I are adequate parents. It's largely boring and frustrating and the overwhelming feeling is guilt and fear. It's a bit crap tbh although I love my children fiercely.

theruffles · 29/07/2019 16:23

I never had the feeling that it was what I was 'supposed to do' next after getting married. It was more a feeling that a PP has described of wanting to have them so badly, that it feels almost intrinsic. That feeling was, admittedly, made worse because I struggled TTC for a couple of years. I have one DC now and she's the best, though parenting is very hard. Brilliant but hard. I wouldn't change it though and I'd like another if we are to.

Something about wanting to give my parents and in-laws a grandchild and wanting to see my DH as a father also came into it. He had wanted to be a dad for a long time.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 29/07/2019 16:23

I got married and then felt an immense biological urge to have a baby. It's as simple as that.
I have no regrets either. Best thing I ever did.

Benjispruce · 29/07/2019 16:26

Just always KNEW I wanted to be a mother. It felt a physical longing but the time I was married in my mid 20s. It went away briefly when my friend had a nightmare child but was pregnant by 28 and another at 33. I had a happy childhood and a very loving mother and wanted to have the same.

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