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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask the real reason you chose to have children

168 replies

thrumylookingglass · 29/07/2019 14:45

Long time lurker, and not a mum! But love Mumsnet as it's is a great forum for all women (and men!).

Was fascinated with another thread I was following over the weekend about whether people felt that having children makes you a better than those that are childfree.

I've always been ambivalent about childbearing and certainly don't feel somehow lacking, or deviating from the norm. In fact according to government statistics, nearly 1 in 5 women in the UK are childfree, compared to 1 in 10 of their mother's generation.

My own mother often told me she had me and DB to ensure she had someone to look after her in old age!

The variety of comments I've had include, that I'm being selfish, that maybe I'm just not ready, that I'm really missing out, that I just can't possibly understand how fulfilling it is etc.

I, quite honestly feel none of those things, and strongly suspect that most women (and men) choose to have children because that's what they think they're supposed to do and supposed to want.

AIBU to suspect that it's as simple as this?

OP posts:
BogglesGoggles · 30/07/2019 19:50

Nothing wrong with not having kids (especially if you don’t want them!) but I saw myself having children eventually so took the opportunity when it arose. Highly doubt I will have anymore.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 30/07/2019 20:21

You have to work harder at a meaningful existence if you don't

That's a bit of a sweeping statement. Whilst it might apply for some people, you can't say that for everyone who doesn't have children. People are different and the concept of a meaningful existence varies widely.

Some people are even just happy to bumble along enjoying their life without needing or wanting something more. Some of those people even have children.

MarthasGinYard · 30/07/2019 20:25

'I personally wasn't really sure what the point of my life was without having a child.*'

Goodness

How awful to feel like that

MarthasGinYard · 30/07/2019 20:27

'You have to work harder at a meaningful existence if you don't.'

Wow

Original poster
thrumylookingglass · 30/07/2019 20:28

Many of my peers (women mid 30s) are incredulous - "but what do you DO all day".

This. I wish I had a pound every time I have had this or similar Grin

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 30/07/2019 20:35

I’m 29, in a career I love, and I look at people who I went to school with who’ve never left their hometown and have average jobs and kids and feel really disappointed for them because that would be my idea of hell. Obviously I wouldn’t say anything, and they’re probably very happy.

Interesting! I'm 32, I still live less than 10 miles from where I grow up, I have 2 young DC, I enjoy my career and although it's not as highly paid as some of my childless friends, it's pretty good and suits me well. Definitely don't feel disappointed for others in this position!

cadburyegg · 30/07/2019 20:41

Because I wanted them.

Honestly, I can't think of another reason, although second time round it was also because we wanted a sibling for DC1.

It has never occurred to me to ask childless friends why they don't have DC - it's none of my business. Both our DC were planned and very much wanted, I enjoy them and love them to bits,I love spending time with them and they are a joy to be with. but I still find parenthood very hard and yes, sometimes its boring. It must be even harder if you didn't want them in the first place.

higherforce · 30/07/2019 22:00

I wanted the experience if feeling pregnant - to have life growing inside me. I wanted to experience what childbirth was like and then to have a hot little body snuggling into me. I wanted the togetherness of me and my husband to have a tangible realisation.

In lots of ways, it's great. I don't regret it despite desperately at times wishing just for some time alone without responsibility; despite my marriage breaking up ('togetherness' - wtf. I've been a lone parent since my children were born really).

Now they're teenagers and I'm occasionally grabbing a bit of 'me' time. Yet they still need me - just in different ways. It's never-ending, this Motherhood thing. And why you wanted kids is neither here nor there. You're stuck with them - for ever it seems. I think their needs just change. They still need you - at 4; 8; 12; 16 or 18 - and beyond. So even 'me' time is not like it was before children. You're not physically with them but mentally, they never go away. And whilst wishing they would, at the same time you don't. Such a messed up contradiction is the journey of mothering.

Darkbloom · 30/07/2019 22:35

To have something that's 50/50 me and my partner - something to bring us closer together

artio0 · 30/07/2019 22:39

I think YABU to think everyone has children because they think that's what they're supposed to do, or maybe you're projecting your own views onto them. Whoever said having / not having children makes you better / worse was also being unreasonable.

Everyone is different, what makes one person happy doesn't necessarily make the next one happy too...

I did everything I wanted in my twenties, traveling, wild parties, dream job, move cities and countries on a whim... After doing that for about 10 years I lost interest in all the things I was doing because they started to feel empty and pointless. I wanted to experience that love people described they have for their children. I felt envy every time I saw a pregnant woman. I wanted to know what it felt like to grow and birth a baby. I felt incomplete. I felt like I had so much love to give but not enough people there to give it to. I felt like I've grown and learned so much about myself and others and life but it all seemed a bit pointless if I didn't pass it on to someone. I wanted to share the emotions and ups and downs of having children with my partner. I wanted that new challenge. I wanted to build a family that shares the same values as me and my partner. I'm trying to raise my child(ren?) so they will contribute to make this world a better place. I just felt like I'd miss out on what really matters if I didn't have children, that's why I decided to have one.

Freespirit24 · 30/07/2019 22:42

I am not a mother yet but to me, it is unnatural to not have children as I strongly believe I was put on this plant to conceive, carry and raise children.

Obviously, I think I am much more than that and there's more to do and I understand that some women do not want children but it breaks my heart at the thought of not having kids. There is no explanation as to why I am so for it but it just feels natural and like its supposed to be.

Jennifer2r · 30/07/2019 22:49

OK maybe it's a bit of a sweeping statement but as a child free woman I'd be rich if I had a euro for every time I heard a mother say

"you just don't understand life/love until you're a mother"

"my children are my whole world"

"my children have given my life meaning"

"I just don't know what I'd have been if I wasn't a mother"

I think some women use it to fill a void in their own existence.

Jennifer2r · 30/07/2019 22:49

Motherhood gives women a ready made identity. If you're not a mother you don't have that.

Jennifer2r · 30/07/2019 22:51

See the couple of posts above mine about life being pointless without children. It's not, but you do have to take some time and care to work out the point, sometimes.

Likeazombi · 30/07/2019 23:03

I always knew i would have kids, from a young age.
Society and family conditioning maybe, I just never imagined my life without kids in it.
I'm actually not that keen on other people's kids.
Honestly, I think I just wanted someone to love, who would love me, and to right the wrongs that were done to me as a child.
I'm determined to do a better job with my own, I think I'm doing ok so far, other times I feel I'm making different mistakes. Time will tell I guess.
I had my son early 20s, in completely unsuitable circumstances, with a completely unsuitable man.
He was very wanted but not very well planned.
We have a nice enough life, and I do feel like I'm a better person for having him than if I hadn't.
I don't mean better than other people, just better than I would have been.

Likeazombi · 30/07/2019 23:12

And although my son is a massive part of my life, and being a mother is a part of my identity, he is not 'my whole world'
I still have a career, a family, friends, hobbies, lovers that are completely removed from my son.
Can't imagine my life without him and sometimes scare myself with awful thoughts.
Sometimes I feel being a parent is mostly worry and guilt.

hammeringinmyhead · 30/07/2019 23:37

Curiosity about what it would be like, and DH suggested it first over coffee - after 13 years together saying we didn't want any. I thought... yeah, actually, that might be fun.

And it is! DS is fabulous and I love looking after him. I'm also looking forward to having an adult child. But as previous posters said, although I loved our life of both working full time, holidays, spending time with our own parents, meals out, shopping, Netflix, cinema... we'd been doing it for years and I have never had a desire to start a new and challenging hobby to mix it up. A baby was my Everest too.

ItsAllGoingToBeMagnificent · 30/07/2019 23:37

I've always wanted children from being very young and always saw my future with children in. It's strange really because I always found other people's small children quite irritating and I didn't actually feel broody as such until I had my first child in my 30s. But I just knew I wanted them and always have.

I've got 2 now and the urge to have one more as I creep slowly into my late 30s is quite powerful. I see a newborn baby and do that weird giddy thing, bizarre seeing as I never had this in my 20s, it was more "meh, a baby, great". Probably my biological clock telling me to get a move on!

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