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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask the real reason you chose to have children

168 replies

thrumylookingglass · 29/07/2019 14:45

Long time lurker, and not a mum! But love Mumsnet as it's is a great forum for all women (and men!).

Was fascinated with another thread I was following over the weekend about whether people felt that having children makes you a better than those that are childfree.

I've always been ambivalent about childbearing and certainly don't feel somehow lacking, or deviating from the norm. In fact according to government statistics, nearly 1 in 5 women in the UK are childfree, compared to 1 in 10 of their mother's generation.

My own mother often told me she had me and DB to ensure she had someone to look after her in old age!

The variety of comments I've had include, that I'm being selfish, that maybe I'm just not ready, that I'm really missing out, that I just can't possibly understand how fulfilling it is etc.

I, quite honestly feel none of those things, and strongly suspect that most women (and men) choose to have children because that's what they think they're supposed to do and supposed to want.

AIBU to suspect that it's as simple as this?

OP posts:

carly2803 · 29/07/2019 23:36

Hated kids through my 20s, annoying little snotballs.

Earlyish 30s realised if i didnt have them soon id go insaine. It's like a need for food. I needed a baby!

I dont expect my kids to look after me in old age, i expect them to live their lives and travel the world or whatever they want to do.

WBWIFE · 29/07/2019 23:37

Because I fell pregnant on contraception

Needthisdress · 29/07/2019 23:40

I never wanted children until I met my DD dad. He radically changed my perspective. Deep down I think I always had a need to have a proper family. My childhood was.a bit sketchy.

We talked about DC a good 5 years before having one and imagined how it would be. It was all very romantic and exciting. The reality is better than I could have ever imagined. I knew I’d love my DC but I never realised the joy she would bring to my life.

Jsmith99 · 29/07/2019 23:51

I’m very happily child free by choice. I always knew I didn’t want to have kids. I wasn’t particularly keen on children even when I was one myself, and I have never had any maternal instinct whatsoever.

When my friends had their children, I was genuinely happy for them, because they got what they wanted, but when they invited me to hold their little bundle of joy, the answer was always a polite but firm ‘no thank you’. The only exception to this was my nephew, who I felt obliged to hold. I managed about 30 seconds before handing him back to mum with relief. That was the only time. He’s now 6’3 and plays rugby, so it’s unlikely I will get another opportunity .

MummyMcCracken · 29/07/2019 23:55

I fell pregnant on contraception and my maternal instinct kicked in and that was that

BizzzzyBee · 30/07/2019 00:00

Because DH would have divorced me and looked for someone else to have kids with, and I couldn’t afford such a nice house and lifestyle without his input. So I had a baby to keep him happy.

SadOtter · 30/07/2019 00:21

I had DS because I was raped at 15, fell pregnant and by the time I was ready to tell anyone I'd started having dreams about the baby and he was so perfect that I wanted him more than anything I had ever wanted in my life, probably a childish reason but at 15 he is amazing, genuinely he is everything I could want in a son and more, he is very nearly perfect (still needs to work out what a laundry basket is though)

I hadn't even thought about children before DS and then I met DH and had DD because I really like being a mum, I was hoping for a few more DC but so far it hasn't happened. (I'm from a huge family)

SadOtter · 30/07/2019 00:23

@BizzzzyBee, that is horrible, do you like being a mum now?

dodgeballchamp · 30/07/2019 00:24

Wow bizzzybee that is incredibly depressing

gluteustothemaximus · 30/07/2019 00:26

I wanted children because my upbringing was shit and I wanted a family to love. I have that now and I feel very lucky. My kids are happy and loved.

Bumply · 30/07/2019 00:35

Started relationship in our early 20s.
No immediate thoughts of having children, but said we'd reassess when we reached 35.

Approached that age and thought, yeah, ready for kids now. Had first at 35, strong desire for a second but left it until 39 for practical reasons - 1st starting school when 2nd starting nursery.

Family and friends were surprised that we had children so long into relationship, assuming we didn't want them

BizzzzyBee · 30/07/2019 00:44

BizzzzyBee, that is horrible, do you like being a mum now?
Obviously I love my DC. Can’t say I’m thrilled with the state of my ruined body or the restrictions that motherhood has placed on my life. But it’s put a nice middle class roof over my head for the next 20 years at least. Before I met DH I lived on a council estate claiming topup benefits, and if he divorced me I’d have to go back to that life. so motherhood is definitely the lesser of two evils.

MamaOomMowWow · 30/07/2019 00:47

I like kids, especially when they are around 8-10 and you can chat with them about Harry Potter etc. I'm really good with friends' kids.

I had a biological urge to have a child. It's indescribable if you don't have it I guess.

I thought I'd make a good mum and have a lot to offer a child (love, stable marriage, own home, well-paid career etc).

I was a bit bored and thought a child would make life more interesting and fun. There's only so many nights where you can just watch Netflix with your DH for hours on end.

I personally wasn't really sure what the point of my life was without having a child.

I thought there were reasonable odds that our child would turn out right and have a positive impact on the world.

But I totally respect other people's choices to be childfree. If anything, it's a choice more people should make (both in terms of the environmental impact and because I think there are honestly a lot of people who have children despite not being able to support them emotionally and/or financially). We all want different things in life. My colleagues all seem to love traveling but I hate it and don't think I'm missing out (I prefer to learn about the world via great literature). Don't let anyone tell you not having kids makes you worth less OP.

Bravelurker · 30/07/2019 01:06

@Leighhalfpennysthigh, your post has just made me cry, first time that has happened. I love your strength and positivety and long may it continue .

Saracen · 30/07/2019 01:27

I'm sure I didn't have children because it's what society expects. After all, in many other aspects of my life I have done the opposite of what society expects, and have quite enjoyed being different.

I wanted children firstly because I've always liked children and thought it would be fun for me (I was right!), and secondly because of the biological craving to reproduce.

It definitely wasn't what I "should" have done; quite the opposite. I did it for selfish reasons. It would be hypocritical of me to claim I was doing the world a favour.

PurpleFlower1983 · 30/07/2019 01:42

I was always on the fence about children, my first LTR was with an awful, abusive man and I secretly took steps to make sure it never happened before I left him.

I’ve always liked to travel and go out to fancy bars/restaurants and had a great social life so kids really weren’t something I was interested in.

When I met my DH he wanted kids but had some doubts too but we threw caution to the wind and TTC after only 6 months due to our age. It didn’t happen and although I was frustrated at first (more because I felt that I was failing at something - my personal view of myself at the time, not meant as a slight to anyone else) but then I got used to not being pregnant each month and got on with life. Long story short we conceived naturally 6 months after we got married, 3 years after starting trying and a month before our initial infertility consultation. We had already decided that if we needed IVF we would only try one round as neither of us wanted it enough to put our lives on hold indefinitely for.

Our little girl was born in February and despite both leading very happy, fulfilled lives before she is absolutely by far the best thing in them, she’s just a gorgeous human being to be around and I am so so thankful for her every day. The love I feel for her (and my DH) is like nothing I’ve ever experienced before, it’s indescribable. My choice could have gone either way but I’m so glad we went for it.

Ritascornershop · 30/07/2019 01:49

I didn’t want kids until I did. Around age 28 I started thinking that I wanted to broaden my horizons, introduce some uncertainty into my life, have someone to care for, and a little person to spend time with and love.

My kids are now grown, but all those ideas I had panned out. I enjoyed having babies and then kids around, and found it all quite stimulating (& a lot less dull than any paid work I’ve ever had).

TwistyTop · 30/07/2019 03:27

YABVU to make such sweeping assumptions about a huge population of people that you don't know.

When are people finally going to realise that women do not all think the same things? We are individuals with our own thoughts and opinions. One woman's reasons for having children are going to be completely different to another. We are not a hive mind.

SadOtter · 30/07/2019 03:36

@BizzzzyBee please tell me your children will never know that! I grew up in and out of care with parents below the poverty line, I know how tough it is, but to use children as a tool to get out of that? that is a horrible reason to be a mother. I am glad you love them but they are not a roof over your head for the next 20 years.

HotelRoomforOne · 30/07/2019 03:49

I loved children but didn't want to have any of my own.

My mother kept at me until she wore me down, acted like her own life was over if there were to be no grandchildren. I gave in at 31.

Now I have three children. I love them, though a lot of life's possibilities are now closed off to me. My youngest is 6 weeks old.

I no longer have anything to do with my mother and she doesn't see the grandchildren she so pressured me to have. She was not a good mother and neither is she a good grandmother. It was all a fantasy for her. The reality is/ was too much like hard work.

OwlBeThere · 30/07/2019 03:57

i can't speak for anyone else, but i had children because i always had this overwhelming urge for children. its as simple as that. even as a teenager i always knew i wanted them.

MotherofDinosaurs · 30/07/2019 10:41

Because its nice having a family around you.

Jennifer2r · 30/07/2019 18:58

I was a bit bored and thought a child would make life more interesting and fun. There's only so many nights where you can just watch Netflix with your DH for hours on end.

I personally wasn't really sure what the point of my life was without having a child.*

I really think this is a key reason why many people choose to have children.

You have to work harder at a meaningful existence if you don't.

Many of my peers (women mid 30s) are incredulous - "but what do you DO all day".

Winebottle · 30/07/2019 19:09

It was just something to do with me, a bit of purpose in life.

I'm not interested in doing much, travelling etc, I don't really want to buy anything so what would be the point of working?

Graphista · 30/07/2019 19:38

Bizzzybee that's a refreshingly honest answer, which I suspect applies to more people than we know. I sincerely hope you are - on balance - happy with your life and family now.

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