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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask the real reason you chose to have children

168 replies

thrumylookingglass · 29/07/2019 14:45

Long time lurker, and not a mum! But love Mumsnet as it's is a great forum for all women (and men!).

Was fascinated with another thread I was following over the weekend about whether people felt that having children makes you a better than those that are childfree.

I've always been ambivalent about childbearing and certainly don't feel somehow lacking, or deviating from the norm. In fact according to government statistics, nearly 1 in 5 women in the UK are childfree, compared to 1 in 10 of their mother's generation.

My own mother often told me she had me and DB to ensure she had someone to look after her in old age!

The variety of comments I've had include, that I'm being selfish, that maybe I'm just not ready, that I'm really missing out, that I just can't possibly understand how fulfilling it is etc.

I, quite honestly feel none of those things, and strongly suspect that most women (and men) choose to have children because that's what they think they're supposed to do and supposed to want.

AIBU to suspect that it's as simple as this?

OP posts:
IntoValhalla · 29/07/2019 16:31

I went through my teens really disliking children and babies.
My nephew/young cousins etc actively irritated the hell out of me and I dreaded spending time with them. I couldn’t understand why anyone would want to have a baby and live with that level of annoyance 24/7.
Then I met DH and the got well and truly side-swiped by the broody bus Blush I don’t know what it was. Caveman instinct maybe?! ie “ooo you’re attractive, you look like the hunter-gatherer type, my ovaries like you!” kind of hormonal response?
Whatever it was, we now have a 4yo, a 2yo and are expecting another baby in about 8 weeks!

habibihabibi · 29/07/2019 16:31

My DH really wanted children, I really wanted dogs. We made a deal.
I love them all but secretly would def have more dogs and less children.

xTinkerhellx · 29/07/2019 16:32

Contraception failure and only found out after the legal limit for abortion.

Never wanted a child and will never have another.

SerenDippitty · 29/07/2019 16:33

I always expected I would have children some day. After I married DH it seemed the natural next step. Then it turned out we had fertility issues and after that the feeling of wanting a child became much stronger - you always want what you can't have. We never did have children but have a good life nevertheless.

NomDeQwerty · 29/07/2019 16:33

At 28 I had healthy issue diagnosed and I was told categorically that I couldn't have them. Challenge accepted.

mummywingingit · 29/07/2019 16:37

Me and my husband never wanted children and was both pretty adamant and happy with that. After I turned 30 we discussed it some more and discussed pros and cons etc, and left it there.
My husband spoke to his uncle who never had children to ask why, and if he ever regretted it. His uncle said now he is in his 60's he regrets massively not having children. This got me and my husband discussing children again, as we openly discussed what if we don't have little ones and then regret it when it's too late! We decided that we would have a child, as both love children, but we discussed we only want one.
We now have our little boy who we love dearly...I would be lying if I said I didn't miss my old life and that this is the hardest thing I've ever done...but happy we decided to have a baby together and complete our family....so I guess for us, the reason we had a baby was we didn't want to regret it when it's too late

gabsdot45 · 29/07/2019 16:37

We were desperate to have children and couldn't. We eventually adopted our 2.
I can't answer why I wanted children. I just had this enormous desire, this hole in my life that only a child filled.
Before we had children I felt like I was outside a club that I desperately want't to join but couldn't.
I'm a better person with kids. I would have probably wasted away with sadness if we hadn't got them. I'm introverted and without kids I think I'd become a recluse. My kids force me to socialise.
That's just my experience. There are plenty of ways to make a happy life. not everyone has to be a parent and it can be very hard at times. But I love my kids and I'm very fulfilled as a mother.

FlamingNeedle · 29/07/2019 16:38

Me and my husband are childless and happy, we still have a family who we love very much and enjoy family life.

The only downside to not having kids is how some people pity and look down on you.

museumum · 29/07/2019 16:42

I was ambivalent well into my 30s. At 36 with a great dh we just felt in our guts that we’d regret it if we didn’t. No logic. Just a feeling.
We never got that feeling about a second child so we’ve stuck with one and are very happily a family of three.

museumum · 29/07/2019 16:42

For some people however the only thing more selfish than not having a child is having only one and we have had criticism.

thecatsthecats · 29/07/2019 16:43

I'm not 'generically' maternal for want of a better word.

I don't think of kids as Special Little People, I don't find them entrancing - but for what it's worth, I didn't particularly like younger kids as a child!

I do have very quick and strong bonds with family children though.

At the moment, I feel like my career is as good as I want it to get. I'm a company director, great salary etc. When there are squabbles at work, I think 'God, if this were my kids squabbling, at least I'd love them.' When I got drunk on Saturday, I had fun. On Sunday morning, I wished I had kids just to stop me making bad decisions!

I do have the sense to know that these aren't actually good reasons... Happy to wait a few more years.

(People do seem quite surprised that my husband and I aren't having kids immediately after marrying...)

tenbob · 29/07/2019 16:45

I just had far too much time, money and sleep, and my house was so tidy and peaceful that it drove me mad, so needed to do something about it...

CatInADoghouse · 29/07/2019 16:46

I just knew I wanted to be a mum. I brought it up with DH (was just bf then) about coming off the pill and start trying. He thought it was a great idea. He always said he would like to have children but had come to terms with not having them before he met me (we have quite a big age gap). I can understand when people say they just know that they don't want children because I have one DD and I just know that I don't want anymore. DH is more than happy to stick with one. He'd have more only if I wanted more but he's glad I don't. MIL doesn't understand this and keeps bringing it up about how selfish we are for not giving DD a sibling. Some people just love to tell you what you should be doing with your own life!

I have a friend with 4 children and people have made comments to her saying "4?! Well you must be done with having children now!" As though it's any of their business.

It's such a personal and life changing decision but other people always like to think they know best.

oohyoudevilyou · 29/07/2019 16:46

I just wanted children - I don't know why. It's a pretty common thing, wanting kids, so I didn't bother analysing why, much the same as I don't analyse why I like the colour blue.

LaurieMarlow · 29/07/2019 16:48

Pure biological urge.

I always knew I wanted children, from as long as I can remember. I was properly broody from about 12. I never really considered not having them and if I'd been infertile or had real difficulties, I would have found that very hard to deal with.

18YearsAMummy · 29/07/2019 16:50

To be honest I suffer from anxiety and depression, my children are what keep me going and my mind busy and not to mention they bring me so much joy, whenever I feel down I say to myself “look at what you have”

I do not know where I would be without them.

Luxembourgmama · 29/07/2019 16:52

I felt I wanted them more than I didn't want them and didn't want to regret not having them. It's turned out 1m times better than expected.

user1480880826 · 29/07/2019 16:59

I think it’s a question most people couldn’t give a straight answer to. In the same way that most rabbits couldn’t answer. It’s just a biological urge that most people have.

In some countries it will also be driven by the need to have children to work/earn money/care for family members. But in most places it’s simply just what humans (and all other animals) have done for hundreds of thousands of years.

mydogisthebest · 29/07/2019 17:04

@Tensixtysix Because there is more meaning to life than making money and making yourself happy.
Because life is for living and enjoying it with your own special family.

Me and DH are childfree by choice and we both believe there is more to life than earning money. Why do people assume if you choose not to have children it's because money is so important to you or that all childfree are well off?

I agree that is life is for living and I do enjoy it with my own special DH

dodgeballchamp · 29/07/2019 17:06

mindutopia that’s interesting you look at people without children and feel sad, even if they’re happy. I’m 29, in a career I love, and I look at people who I went to school with who’ve never left their hometown and have average jobs and kids and feel really disappointed for them because that would be my idea of hell. Obviously I wouldn’t say anything, and they’re probably very happy. I just think it’s interesting how our own preferences colour our view of the world

Coolcoolcoolcoolcool · 29/07/2019 17:10

I felt my life was lacking something, when I saw my friends with their kids I realised that was it.

7salmonswimming · 29/07/2019 17:11

The variety of comments I've had include, that I'm being selfish, that maybe I'm just not ready, that I'm really missing out, that I just can't possibly understand how fulfilling it is etc.

Selfish: what they mean is you’re always putting yourself first as you don’t have children. Hardly a criticism, what else would you do?

Ready: maybe you’re not. Who knows?

Missing out: some people would think you really are

Fulfilling: no, you can’t know, just as people who, say, have two legs can’t know what it’s like to only have one.

You’re no different from any mother, OP. Certainly no more modern, original, free-thinking, independent, cool or whatever else is in the undertone of your post is.
If you’re genuinely curious about the answer to your question, you wouldn’t be asking they way you are

Parttimewasteoftime · 29/07/2019 17:12

I fell into it think it was expected of me after marriage and was extremely lucky to get pregnant easily. Did not put a lot of thought into it and have been very lucky to have two amazing DS.
Was very naive on how much they cost and change your life but it worked for us.
My DB and DSIL are struggling with fertility issues and see the heartbreaking struggle and feel so guilty as it was so easy for me. I wonder if I had to fight like they are if I would have given up. Also with climate change I worry about what I have brought them into.

theyflewaway · 29/07/2019 17:13

Having had no desire to have children at all, and being very pleased about that, I had a massive hormonal surge in my late 30s which didn't go away despite trying to ignore it for 18 months - 2 years. So I had kids at 40 and 43 ( ii was married).

I often wish I had ignored that urge.

Banananananas · 29/07/2019 17:41

I didn't think I wanted them, after I got married I suspected I did. But after my friend had one, I thought more seriously about having one and it triggered an incredible urge to have a baby.