Pathetic request for birthday party etiquette

[Ohmygoodnessreally]

Please help me I know how pathetic this is going to sound

As a child in care I never went to a birthday party. Not one.

My daughter has been in nursery for two days a week for two years and has never received a birthday party invite. I tried to tell myself it was because she was part time so I didn’t freak out.

The day has arrived - she has been invited!! I’m so happy for her then terrified because I have so many pathetic questions. I so want this to go well for her and for her to learn to make friends, she’s very quiet and shy. AIBU to ask your help mumsnetters?!

For lots of reasons I don’t know a single parent at the nursery. So I don’t know who this mum is and daughter doesn’t seem to know the child. Here are my questions -

Has she asked the nursery to give every child an invite - are they allowed to do this for privacy reasons? If so I’m happy she’s has!!

What do I say when I rsvp, as I don’t know her and will be walking in not knowing her or the birthday girl?

What’s the etiquette re presents for the child?

Does my dh come to the party too?

Does my daughter dress up or in play clothes?

I’m breastfeeding a six month old, can I bring him to the party?

I won’t know anyone there and am so scared but will do it for her.

Are there any unspoken party rule things I should know about before we go??

I am curious how you don't know any of the parents and how your DD doesn't know any of the other nursery kids after 2 years attendance? I honestly don't mean this in an accusatory way, just curious?

Bring the baby, not the husband, so you can chat.
Nice little pressie and card (£10 - £15).
Pretty outfit, but comfy for soft play party..... a party dress for other type of party.
If you get the chance, offer to help with handing out food/drinks. Parties can be stressful for the birthday girls parents, so offers of help are usually welcomed, or at least it’s nice to offer.
Relax and enjoy!

Definitely not £10 in a card for an under 8. Blimey, if they invite 30 kids, they'll be turning a profit from the party. Just a decent present like a pair of PJs, a decent toy, Lego, puzzle, craft pack, basically something you would be happy receiving.

Leave your baby with your husband. Buy a small present and a card. Text dds full name would love to come. Don’t eat the party food and help yours and other children settle at table, and sing happy birthday.
Introduce yourself to other Mums and ask them about their kids and what they think of nursery. A percentage will be hard work, but that’s nothing to do with you personally.
If dd gets overwhelmed it’s fine to leave early or step outside, preschool is about these first experiences and not everyone swims first time.
I love your OP. I felt just the same and had a very bog standard childhood with parties etc. We’re all feeling the same niggling worries.

When my DD was 3/4, and going to nursery parties regularly, i bought a load of the Melissa & Doug magnetic sets - they were on offer on Amazon for about £8 at the time, and were absolutely perfect.

Hope your DD has a lovely time.

Melissa & Doug Deluxe Princess Elise Magnetic Wooden Dress-Up Doll Play Set

You sound lovely OP. In no way are you being pathetic.

I hope you and your daughter have a lovely time.

Has your DD seen the Birthday Cake 'routine' before. Ie everyone sings, but then only the birthday girl blows the candles out, and then everyone has a slice of cake.

Do you do this already for birthdays at home? If not, maybe find a book, or Peppa Pig episode, or YouTube or 'act it out' with toys, so she knows what to expect.

(Speaking as the mum of DS who always wanted to blow the candles out instead of the birthday child, and also got very upset on 'his' birthday when other people were given a slice of the cake too.)

Has she asked the nursery to give every child an invite - are they allowed to do this for privacy reasons? If so I’m happy she’s has!!
Yes they can give out names.

What do I say when I rsvp, as I don’t know her and will be walking in not knowing her or the birthday girl?
XXX would love to come, thank you for the invite.

What’s the etiquette re presents for the child?
Anything from £5 to £10, money in a card is fine, a small gift is fine. Someone put five £1 coins in my daughters card and she loved it.

Does my dh come to the party too?
Up to him.

Does my daughter dress up or in play clothes?
Up to your daugher.

I’m breastfeeding a six month old, can I bring him to the party?
Yes, but once they get past 1 I would always ask the host if that's OK first, as they will start wanting to join in.

I won’t know anyone there and am so scared but will do it for her.
You wont be the only one feeling like this. Some people will know each other, many wont.

Are there any unspoken party rule things I should know about before we go??
Enjoy!

Personally I don’t think that money is appropriate for nursery, they don’t have a real concept of money and at that age they live for the moment and live to open a gift - soft toy or play doh maybe?
Birthday girl may get overwhelmed and either sulk or cry - normal.
Try not to get your daughter too excited or she may not cope well, just casual fun.
If she’s confident enough you can get her to say thank you for inviting me to the parent at the end, but not essential - you can do it instead.
Don’t take DH and Bany - too many, she’s invited 1not 4. You will be expected to stay and of course take BF baby but I’d leave DH at home. Make sure you have all you need for baby - party mum will be busy.
Have fun x

Enjoy, I am so pleased your little girl got an invite.

@minababelina I love your post! Are you a writer?

RSVP using the parent name,child name and yours and your childs name. Gives the other parents your name and helps your memory to hit know someone as only x's mum for years.
Write in permanent pen on the wrapper of the gift your child 's name, it makes it easier for thankyous when they can match the gift ...especially if like mine the child gets to the present pile first.

@TSSDNCOP yes you’re right it is my first party, not just my daughters!

I def need to take baby, he’s a bottle refuser and couldn’t be away from me for that long (that’s another thread haha)

@IAmBumblebee i never said dd didn’t know any of the nursery children, just this one. It’s a private nursery with flexible pick up and drop off times. Parents are hardly ever there at the same time so are like ships in the night. It’s not a stand around in the school yard waiting and chatting set up,

One more suggestion - get there early.

Yay for invites, get used to them. Quite often the whole class will get them so there will probably be more to come!
Just rsvp back "hi this is (insert daughter's name here) mum. Daughter would love to come to the party. What is the birthday girl into?". Covers your acceptance and ensures you get something they like.

I usually stuck to around £5 for a gift at that age. Any more and it very quickly mounts up. B&M is excellent for cheap and cheerful gifts.

Clothing for the day will depend on venue. Another child's home- can be a pretty party outfit. Soft play hell- go for leggings and a pretty top so she can move around easily.

If it's in a home go without the hubby. Soft play or similar, take him along. Will be good for you both to meet some other parents too. I didn't know any of the parents as my husband did drop off and pick up so I went to everyone and had to chat to strangers. My husband refused to go!

Take the bf baby with you. I always did as mine refused bottles and seemed permanently attached to the boob! Once they start getting older take your own food with you for them. Over a year they stay at home or you ask the hosting parent/s if it's ok for them to come. Don't be surprised if they say no though!

No unwritten rules except they can't blow out the birthday kid's candles. Take a deep breath and enjoy what will be the first of many parties. Your weekends will be full of them soon enough!!!!

Lots of advice on here.

Only thing I disagree with is go for a present not money in a card. (Lego or something to make or do is good).

Enjoy!

I haven't read all responses op and I'm sure someone else has probably said this but I just wanted to say that this is clearly a huge deal for you and if you haven't been to parties yourself as a child then this is a first for both of you.

Party clothes are a funny one- literally anything goes at all, dress up, bling and sequins, jeans, dresses, anything.

Just reply, buy a gift or put money in a card, turn up, be yourself and above all, you and dd enjoy yourselves. This is a great opportunity to get to know some of the mums.

I am really pleased your little dd has her first invite

One more suggestion - get there early

Just on time would be better. Arriving before people are ready for you is bad form.

They won't remember your name anyway and you will be saved in their phone as 'DDs mum' 🤣

Yep. 5 years on from nursery and all my mum contacts are still “DDs friends name mum”

@Ohmygoodnessreally this made me emotional!

I hope you both have a great time.

I’d leave dh at home to give you a chance to get to know other parents.

I agree that a gift is better than money at that age.

Definitely wouldn’t arrive early!

And don’t let your kid be THAT kid; demanding turns on everything, pushing in to blow out candles etc.

The baby will be a good ice breaker!

I just meant, in good time. Rather than early early. So OP isn't rushing.. I find its harder to fit it if you're the last to arrive. I used to be late for everything because of anxiety / over thinking / trying to get it right. Then felt behind as well!

Loud as shit. Lol

I can see you've received lots of good advice already but thought I'd add a few thoughts...

1. At most children's parties I've been to, the parents are casually dressed e.g. jeans and a top.
2. When you RSVP, mention that you'll need to bring baby X with you so the host parent knows (it may be a useful way of them identifying you too!)
3. When buying gifts for unknown children, I tend to spend about £5 on something that will either get used up e.g. sticker book or will be useful e.g. a nice t-shirt (buy age 3-4 and include a gift receipt)
4. Don't assume the party food will fill your child up! Depending on the time it's held, it may be sensible to give your child a sandwich beforehand.
5. It will probably be noisy! Make sure you've eaten before you go and that you are well hydrated.

I rsvp’d by text yesterday morning using your wonderful suggestions and she read almost straight away but not replied yet 😳
Maybe she thinks my baby will be all over the play bus!!