Pathetic request for birthday party etiquette

[Ohmygoodnessreally]

Please help me I know how pathetic this is going to sound

As a child in care I never went to a birthday party. Not one.

My daughter has been in nursery for two days a week for two years and has never received a birthday party invite. I tried to tell myself it was because she was part time so I didn’t freak out.

The day has arrived - she has been invited!! I’m so happy for her then terrified because I have so many pathetic questions. I so want this to go well for her and for her to learn to make friends, she’s very quiet and shy. AIBU to ask your help mumsnetters?!

For lots of reasons I don’t know a single parent at the nursery. So I don’t know who this mum is and daughter doesn’t seem to know the child. Here are my questions -

Has she asked the nursery to give every child an invite - are they allowed to do this for privacy reasons? If so I’m happy she’s has!!

What do I say when I rsvp, as I don’t know her and will be walking in not knowing her or the birthday girl?

What’s the etiquette re presents for the child?

Does my dh come to the party too?

Does my daughter dress up or in play clothes?

I’m breastfeeding a six month old, can I bring him to the party?

I won’t know anyone there and am so scared but will do it for her.

Are there any unspoken party rule things I should know about before we go??

Our daughters first nursery party was a first for all the parents do you won’t be alone in being unsure
Both parents went and got to know each other better parents stay until 6/7 years old or till hosting parents give guidance
I made a mistake of helping myself to buffet food with my daughter and OH said I should have waited to be invited by host but no biggie really
Breath , relax and enjoy!!!!

Yes, if it is soft play, then something she can clamber around in, otherwise anything she wants including a dressing up outfit.

Think what kind of little presents your DD would want and go with that. Books, craft kits, toy animals, playdough, etc (depending on age).
make sure the card is stuck onto the present and that the wrapping paper also says 'love from Beth'.

Then at the party, smile and compliment.

The party is likely to go something like this

• you arrive, present given to birthday child say Happy Birthday
• present will probably be put away to be opened after the party
• some level of 'free play'
• some 'organised' activity / some party games (depending on age of children)
• food, singing of Happy Birthday, candles blown out, cake cut & wish
• a bit more play
• party bags.

Party bags being produced signals the time to leave.

• you take your child up to host parent and encourage them to say 'Thank you for the party' (or the best they can manage)
• leave.

I think it's nicer for your child to walk into the party with a wrapped up present. It's part of what going to a party is about.

@user27495824 I think it’s more of a no to both parents. My husband often takes the kids to parties but we don’t go together

Don't take your husband unless the host offers him to come. It's just weird. Baby is fine.

Lots of good advice already given, I've got 4 dc of varying ages and have never given or received money in a card! A small gift up to about £10 is fine. Make sure you tape the card securely to the gift so they know who it's from! My go-to gift for all ages is a book or books.

Lots of people won't know each other, at this age I'd say it's 50-50 if the dads come or not (more likely if it's first dc... by number 3/4 you'll be bargaining about who's turn it is to take her!).

No problem to take your baby, it will also give you something to do so you don't look like a lemon standing around. Do make an effort to speak to the other mums... I usually open with "Hi, I'm xxx, yyy's mum. Which one is yours?" Do not worry that you don't know anyone!

I think it's lovely you care so much to make it right for your child. Don't ruin it by overthinking things. If I were you, I'd respond with a thanks for the invite and mention you have an infant you'll have with you if its ok with them. Use the time to chat up some of the other mums, its a great opportunity to do so, so maybe leave your husband home (unless he objects). Most of all, if it doesn't go exactly as you hope don't get discouraged. It may not seem like it but there will be plenty of more opportunities in the future.

She’s just turned 3

It’s in a pub, not sure if there Sandra a wacky warehouse bit? But the invite also mentions a play bus...no idea what that is

You sounds like a lovely mum. What everyone else said, but just to add some gift ideas - we're in the throes of 2 y.o. party season and my go-to gifts for children I know less well are a small Duplo set, PlayDoh set or a book - I particularly like the "Oi..." series for this age.

Sandra?! No idea who she is 😂 damn there being no edit function

*Has she asked the nursery to give every child an invite - are they allowed to do this for privacy reasons? If so I’m happy she’s has!!

What do I say when I rsvp, as I don’t know her and will be walking in not knowing her or the birthday girl?*

Thank you for the invite, dd is so excited, we're looking forward to it.

The birthday girl and parents should be standing greeting guests as they come in so it'll become obvious who they are. If not, just blend in and watch, it'll soon be obvious. (I've been to a few where I haven't actually known the hosts )

What’s the etiquette re presents for the child?

Spend £5-10, a wrapped gift is nicer for your dd to hand over in my opinion. Books, board games, craft sets all make nice gifts.

Does my dh come to the party too?
This depends where it is, a soft play place where you'll be able to get a table or a large church Hall then yes if it makes you feel more comfortable. If it's in a private house then check with the hosts as space can be a problem.

Does my daughter dress up or in play clothes?
A comfortable but pretty party dress will be fine but there's a huge variety so let her wear what she likes really.

I’m breastfeeding a six month old, can I bring him to the party?

Should be fine but it's polite to check with the host first.

I won’t know anyone there and am so scared but will do it for her.

Good for you!! They can be awkward/uncomfortable if you don't know people but it'll give you a chance to get to know the other nursery parents so could be more positive than you think.

A great way to get chatting to other parents is to compliment their children!!

Are there any unspoken party rule things I should know about before we go?

When they produce the party bags it's time to go.

Don't let your dd try to hog the limelight it's the birthday girl's day.

They don't provide refreshments for parents so eat before you go.

Good luck, I hope it goes well

I used to do presents but now tend to do £10 in a card or a voucher.

Not many DHs go, those who do stand out like sore thumbs! And siblings don’t tend to either but I think a baby is different, so yes to that!

Hope your DD (and you) have fun!

Oh yes, I think it's nice to take a nicely wrapped gift. No need for it to be extravagant, just that it's fun for the little ones to give and open presents. If unable for any reason, a card with a gift card or even cash will suffice.

Has she asked the nursery to give every child an invite - are they allowed to do this for privacy reasons?
Possibly she's invited everyone.
She may have asked staff to pass on invitations to the children her child plays with most or her child might have requested children to invite if that's age appropriate. I'm assuming your DD is 2.5-3 so party child is similar.
What do I say when I rsvp, as I don’t know her and will be walking in not knowing her or the birthday girl?
Something along the lines of Thanks for inviting DD to [friends names] party, she would love to come. If you have any questions about location you can ask them or I sometimes ask for gift ideas. You could put that your looking forward to meeting them if you want.
When you walk in the host parents will usually be ready to greet you and you can introduce yourselves.

What’s the etiquette re presents for the child?
Just buy something you're DD enjoys for £5-£10 depending on your budget. I usually include a gift receipt in with the present so they can swap if they want to.

Does my dh come to the party too?
It's up to you. As others said it's sometimes easier to chat without them but maybe good to have him to help with the baby.

Does my daughter dress up or in play clothes?
Take your lead from the venue/theme of the party, fancy dress is usually specified on the invitation.

I’m breastfeeding a six month old, can I bring him to the party?
Yes definitely

I won’t know anyone there and am so scared but will do it for her.
There's a good chance others will be in the same boat. Don't worry you can do it.

Are there any unspoken party rule things I should know about before we go??
If there are I don't know them!!

Hope you and your DD have a great time OP

Have only skim read replies .

But if you can’t see party mum say to Dd can you see xxxx. Mum is usually not far away to take gifts .

Just one parent, breastfed babies are ok (but not other siblings) £5-10 on a age appropriate gift, if you don't know the child well, just nip to a large supermarket who usually have craft sets or similar that make good presents or choose books. Parties don't really kick in in earnest until age 4, peak for 5th & 6th birthdays then start to wane, I found it handy to buy gifts in sales when I saw them and packs of cards ready for the inevitable deluge in reception year, by year 3 it's more small gatherings and trips so only good friends get invited rather than the whole class.

You are not the only one who finds it hard, things have changed a lot from when I was a kid (and my memory is pretty fuzzy at the best of times!)

Lots of good advice here. I’m sorry you never got to go to a party as a child. You sound like a great mum and hope DD has fun! X

3 is peak age for friends starting to attend parties, up until then it's family or friends of the mum who happen to have babies around the same age. This was the age I started my present box - if I saw stuff that was a really good deal (book people stuff or crafty stuff especially) or if DS got doubles of stuff I'd sling it in there for the next party.

I would normally agree with not taking DH as you'll end up talking to him rather than other parents, but if you're feeling nervous about it do what makes you comfortable.

You sound absolutely lovely and I hope DD has a brilliant time.

Orchard Games are another good gift option for this age.

Great opportunity as others have said to meet other mums. DH will probably feel like a fish out of water so leave him at home unless soft play venue.
Adults will be too distracted to pay much attention to you if you get anything wrong. Coach your wee DD to say thank you or having me when you leave and happy birthday to birthday DC when you arrive.
Don’t give a controversial gift like a barbie type doll of witchy book which some parents do not agree with.
Good luck

If there is a play bus - then try to encourage your Dd to wear something she can do active play in. But if she demands on a Princess dress, then I'd take a pair of trousers and T shirt in a bag to change into if she wants.
If you can leave baby with Dad - then I would, but if not a babe in arms is fine.
Try to get to know some of the other Mums.
I remember one nursery one I went to and I'm not sure I knew anyone there - but everyone was nice and friendly, a bit like odd wedding receptions I've been to. Lots of "Which ones yours?" "hHw does Toby know Jasmine?" type questions.

Don't worry about overthinking things. It's obviously a big thing for you having never experienced it yourself.

Just reply saying "Hi, thanks for the invite, my daughter (enter name here) would love to come. See you then!"

You say nursery (can't remember if you said age or not, but I'm guessing between 2-4) so an age appropriate gift for around a tenner, and a card. With that age I always found art stuff a hit because even if it wasn't used straight away all kids end up spending time colouring. So maybe a nice colouring book and a set of pencils (or crayons if more age appropriate)?

I work full time so did breakfast club and after school club, it meant I never got to interact with parents at the school gate so I know it can be daunting.

Husband wouldn't usually attend.

Baby will be fine, you probably won't be the only one :)

Remember kids are fickle at that age, one minute they're best friends, the next they want to play by themselves with a ball or something. Just let her do her own thing and socialise. Relax, there will be so many more parties over the next 5/6 years you'll get the hang of it.

You sound like a lovely Mum OP. I would send a nice text thanking for the invite as asking what the birthday girl is into to help with a gift. Ask if it’s ok to bring the baby (it will be). Unless an activity like soft play then a party dress. This might be a good opportunity to get to know some other mums so I’d leave DH at home.

Don't worry about never having been to a party - I'm sure I went to a few, but I've no recollection of them, so was just as baffled as you at first!

A playbus will be a bus (normally double decker) with soft play on it. Kids love it, they are the 7th circle of hell for parents.