Pathetic request for birthday party etiquette

[Ohmygoodnessreally]

Please help me I know how pathetic this is going to sound

As a child in care I never went to a birthday party. Not one.

My daughter has been in nursery for two days a week for two years and has never received a birthday party invite. I tried to tell myself it was because she was part time so I didn’t freak out.

The day has arrived - she has been invited!! I’m so happy for her then terrified because I have so many pathetic questions. I so want this to go well for her and for her to learn to make friends, she’s very quiet and shy. AIBU to ask your help mumsnetters?!

For lots of reasons I don’t know a single parent at the nursery. So I don’t know who this mum is and daughter doesn’t seem to know the child. Here are my questions -

Has she asked the nursery to give every child an invite - are they allowed to do this for privacy reasons? If so I’m happy she’s has!!

What do I say when I rsvp, as I don’t know her and will be walking in not knowing her or the birthday girl?

What’s the etiquette re presents for the child?

Does my dh come to the party too?

Does my daughter dress up or in play clothes?

I’m breastfeeding a six month old, can I bring him to the party?

I won’t know anyone there and am so scared but will do it for her.

Are there any unspoken party rule things I should know about before we go??

Rivkka me too! Odd. DH and I always took it in turns! Neither of us particularly liked it...

I have learned through this thread to tape the card to a present, may seem small but I wouldn’t have thought to do that!

I’ve also learned about the oi books, orchard games and galt craft kits so am really grateful for the tips, my dd will be gifted some of these too so she’ll be pleased too! 😂

I would never have left her there, and the Velcro baby won’t be going on the party bus a la @HennyPennyHorror’s acquaintance ha

Book people also do great book packs. They are great as you can split them for presents.
Also great for if you have parties and they can be split for the party bags.

Babies are fine. It’s when they get older that they don’t tag along and can stay with the other parent.

Because it’s a pub you can both go. Other locations depends. Home parties only one parent as host may not have space for extra adults.

You will be fine. It’s one of the downsides of living in care that little things like this get overlooked.

Have a really lovely time OP, just smile and chit chat as much as you can and try to enjoy it. Also don’t take it personally if the hosts don’t have time to talk as much. It’s nothing personal or that they don’t like you. It’s just that they are rushed off their feet and probably also stressing that everyone is having a good time etc. So if they do seem abit short, just relax and don’t worry about it. I hope you and your DD will have a really lovely time. You seem so lovely.

Really odd that so many say don't take your oh, we are in London and all the parties till now (age 6years) at least half the dads and mum come together. Many times it's the dad and child rather than the mum. All the dads know each other.
RSVP we would love to come, thank you, really Loki g forward to it.
Present and a card.
All of you or just you, really doesn't matter.
Dress up in what your child wants.
Enjoy

About the value of the present - just get what you can afford and it certainly shouldn't be more than a tenner or so.

First of all, any sensible person will just be grateful for any gift they receive.

Secondly, the child is 3! Let's keep things in perspective here.

Lastly, and I think this is important, it can make parents feel quite shit to receive expensive gifts that they won't be able to reciprocate. When my first one was young some parents I barely knew gave these lavish gifts (duplo sets worth 40 quid and stuff like that). Of course my son loved them, but at the time I absolutely could not afford to give back such an expensive gift.

Even though now I could, I think it's bonkers. I often get some stationery supplies from places like Tiger (fun stickers, new pencils, etc) or a book. Easily done for around a fiver. A birthday party should be about the fun of playing with your friends, sharing cake, etc. It should NOT be about the presents (other than it being a lovely ritual and it's nice to give something to a friend of yours).

Anyway, go with your daughter and enjoy. Also, at three, she may end up sitting on your lap a lot and feeling overwhelmed (or she may get stuck in). Both behaviours are totally normal. Someone will probably cry at some point. It's all normal. Birthday parties can be pretty big events for little kids.

Remember that no one has had every experience, so we're all doing new things sometimes. As long as you smile, you're polite and treat others as you would like to be treated, you're probably doing all right.
The fact that you're asking for advice says you're already on the right track

I refused any parents to stay at my kids parties. No thank you.
Drop child off and collect. Collect On time. Not a minute late! Its not child care and that mother will have had enough! Ensure your child knows please and thank you because many are very badly behaved beyond a bit of this freedom from parents! Believe me.

ask the nursery staff, explain as you did here, and then relax, you've got this. I think its also OK to ask the mum to help your girl integrate

@Liketoshop for 2-3 year olds? seriously you don’t allow parents to stay at a toddlers birthday party?

Liketoshop Really?

How did you manage all the bathroom trips? One of my children still had daily 'accidents' at that stage.

At my child's party, I was a bit miffed that some parents left their three year olds. The younger children cried and I was busy enough without trying to cuddle unknown children who really just wanted the security of their own parent!

I had a lady very much like yourself at a party once. She was so dreadfully worried about making a mistake but her dd was beautifully behaved.

Either find the Mum at pickup (ask the nursery to point her out) or call/text the number given to let her know your dd would love to come. If you're feeling shy, texts are brilliant!

Ask: Are parents staying/invited?
Some party invites do include adults. I've been to some where they've been catered for too. Go as a couple, no one will mind.

You could also ask if there's anything the birthday girl likes to help with gift ideas and I wouldn't be offended if you asked playclothes or party dresses. It's tricky if the party is running around the garden informal and yours has got sparkly shoes and a fancy frock on!

Small present £5-10 is fine at that age and a card. If you don't have that sort of money, any present will be gratefully received unless birthday family are stuck up c.f.s I've looked in charity shops for good as new items to take or Entertainer 70% off stuff is good.

Everyone will feel a little awkward and unsure. There is usually somewhere to put the presents and then the parents of the birthday child will guide you and your dd on what to do next.

Don't worry about food/table manners. You might want your dd to choose a few things they like.

Parties usually have a set end time so it's easier to know when to leave. You usually get given some form of party bag and piece of cake, once the cake has been cut at the end of tea. This is often the end. It's usual for the invited child to say thank you for having me to the party, or you can say it for them, before leaving.

Breastfeeding is pretty standard at parties for kids this age. If you need to, they'll probably be happy to let you have somewhere quiet.

Hopefully you'll have a great time...but don't worry if you don't. Some parties are just hell.

Some great advice on here OP. It’s years since I had to do all this but I remember the anxiety of the first party. Believe me in a couple of years you will be a seasoned pro! Loads of top tips here, and I agree with them all, in my experience in the early years mums usually go and a few dads then once your Dd is in the swing of it you can wave DH off to parties and have a couple of hours home without them. Siblings who are babies I would say are welcome but once they get older they are usually not invited. There’s often polar opinions on that on MN though, so, rule of thumb for me, if it’s a place where you pay per child, then siblings are a no no unless you are paying ( but you still should ask if ok) , in a hall where they all run around they might be welcome but always ask. Presents wise, look out for larger packs of stuff you can split for presents in the future such as multi packs of books, (the works or TK max) or pick up in the sale reasonably priced small toys and gifts when you see them, pop them in a drawer and you don’t have to worry. If you think your DD might want a party I used to pick up a few things through the year for party bags too (bubbles multi packs, packs of snap cards etc), as when you buy everything together it can cost a bit. See what you think of the contents too of party bags too, some people go way OTT. I used to buy the see-through ‘presentation’ bags or large paper food bags from Lakeland rather than party bags as you tend to save money that way. Finally your DD might want to sit with you or run around madly for two hours , either is fine. If she just eats wotsits and popcorn and shuns the sandwiches that’s fine too. ( there’s usually loads of sandwiches left whilst all cakes are gone) Good luck - you sound like a lovely mum x

If she's nursery age, it's normal for at least one parent to attend.

My Gdcs are still at nursery/pre school - dd always invites lots of kids, whether she knows all the parents or not. We had such a party the other day for the 3 year old, and those with babies certainly brought them. Some younger siblings, too.

Please don't stress about it - you'll be fine.
And BTW it's quite common for very little ones to be a bit shy and not want to join in - and that's fine, too.

Dress her in something comfortable - if she's got a comfortable, pretty dress she likes, that's nice, too.

I'd say the most important etiquette is to respond to the invitation with a thank you and to confirm whether or not your DD will be attending.

Small gift and card. Clothes depend on what sort of activity/type of party it is.

I’ve not read the full post but in terms of etiquette, I never have given nor received cash as a present at that age, (except from relatives) and you have so much choice in terms of inexpensive toys/ books at that age. It’s only really started now for them aged 8-9.
I hope you and your daughter have a lovely time! x

I hope you both enjoy the party! I usually buy a book or something like that, but at the moment my go to gift is ‘A Treasury if Songs: Book and CD Pack’ (Amazon £6.49), which my child received at 3 and adored. It’s Julia Donaldson stories set to music. My best tip for children’s parties is whatever time the party is and whatever food is available ... give a substantial meal before the party! Also take a bottle of water as if there’s a bouncy castle or similar the children get so warm. Have a lovely time 😬

I grew up partly in care, partly "in need" so I totally completely understand your questions! It isn't pathetic or a sign of incompetence that you are asking at all - it is a sign that you have a strong character and are emotionally aware. Many of us from that background grew up with completely different social rules to learn and abide by, and many of us also with a constant negative narrative, and those of us who break through and learn new rules and leave the old narratives behind never, ever look back : )

I have only skim read replies but you have had some lovely replies. My advice, which may already have been given, would be to have a chat with your dd's key person or another savvy staff member at nursery and ask your questions - not in a "I don't know what I am doing" way but in a "I don't know this other mother" way, as I would say every party is different. Someone at nursery should be able to answer most of your original questions really well, and they will (or should) think that they are sensible questions whatever your background, which incidentally I don't think you should mention.

At some parties babies were de rigour at others not so much!

💕please don’t worry, there’s no real rules. But I can understand your uncertainty. Ignore those telling you you’re overthinking this. That’s unhelpful. When my older son was at nursery parties were often at soft play centres. In which case casual clothes will be prefect so she can run/jump/climb. My middle child was never invited to any parties, which made me worry for him as he’s also very shy. He’s now nearly 6 and has been to one, which caused him lots of panic. But afterwards he was chatting non stop about the fun he had. I’m sure your little girl will be the same. I have taken my youngest child to parties with me and stayed to help on other occasions. I’ve also hosted parties for oldest child and been glad when parents stay to help keep an eye on the kids. This will give you a chance to chat to some of the other mums. I know it’s daunting, but once you’ve done it once each time it’ll get a little easier. As for the present, £5 in a card would will be just perfect. My son had so many duplicate presents after his first party that next time I stated on invite that no presents were necessary , however if they wanted to give a gift £5 towards a special game he was saving for would be great. Several parents gave him £5 in a card, altogether he got £45 which he put towards an expensive computer game. A few mums told me they would do the same next time they had a party and said it made things easier for them not having to buy a present. So I’d go with that if I were you. Yes your hubby can also go. I hope it goes well, and you all have fun. Try not to worry, it’ll be fine.

What’s the etiquette re presents for the child?
Buy something small (around £10) your child would like to open. Craft's usually good, but at that age small book, game... anything your dd likes.

Does my dh come to the party too?
I wouldn't. It'll be easier for you to look like you're happy to talk if you don't bring him. If you bring him, then people will assume you'll stick together. but take something you can read/do on your own in case the only parents that stay know each other well.

Does my daughter dress up or in play clothes?
Up to you. My girls would have always chosen to dress up. Ds would refuse to wear anything out of the ordinary. As long as it's something you don't mind getting spoilt.

I’m breastfeeding a six month old, can I bring him to the party?
Yes, but if it's a pay per entry, you pay for them to come in. (some soft play's round her have under a year for £1).

I won’t know anyone there and am so scared but will do it for her.
Give yourself a few things you can ask people "do you have older children?", "do you know anything about schools in the area?" "I'm thinking of having a party for dd, this looks great, what else is there about?" Get people talking.

Are there any unspoken party rule things I should know about before we go??
Give the present when arriving and say how dd's been looking forward to it. At the end take dd to the host and say "say thank you for the party" to the parent. If she's not quite up to that-one of mine was a head buried in neck at this point, then you say how lovely it was to be invited, and thank them for a lovely time. Add something individual either way-how beautiful the cake was, how you hadn't been here before, but it really is a lovely place for a party, how beautifully the birthday girl behaved.
Get your dd (if possible) to say buy and thank you to the birthday child. They may give a hug.
Exclaim with surprise and delight at the party bag of junk food and plastic rubbish

You'll be fine.

Aw I haven't read all the replies, so I'm sorry if I'm just repeating everything!
Go, have fun, you'll be fine!
I get why you'll be nervous though if you've never been to a birthday party before.
There should be a number on the invite, if there is just message saying "Hi, mini me would love to come to the party, thanks for the invite"
Just nice, normal clothes will do, something easy and comfortable to play in.
Usually OK to take baby, ask to make sure though just in case.
Been to loads of parties over the years with my two, usually only one parent goes, probably a numbers thing, can you imagine if everyone brought two parents and maybe Gran as well, would get a bit crowded lol.
Money in a card is fine if you're not sure what to buy, or some kind of craft set always goes down well unless you get a neurotic type who shrieks at any glitter or fuzzy felt type stuff
Party food usually provided for the kids only, anything leftover then parents can go in for some lol.
Or if you get super nice hosts there's some food for the parents laid on too but that's a bonus not a given
Oh, and have fun and stop worrying you and your kid will have a great time!

Bless you, it's not pathetic at all! You want to do the right thing and that's absolutely laudable. 💐

Lots of good advice on here, but turn up, smile and if in doubt ask people a few gentle questions about where they live etc. You won't be the only one who doesn't know anyone and we all have to start somewhere.

Good luck!

So really OP it’s your first birthday party too! Have lots of fun.

Get the Orchard Shopping Trolley game. Tuck a gift receipt in the card. Tape card to envelope.

Have fun you as well as DD

I thought I would answer the questions with my two pennies worth too (following on from my earlier post):

Has she asked the nursery to give every child an invite - are they allowed to do this for privacy reasons? Definitely allowed and common - you can ask nursery about the invite - say you don't know the mother and chat about it and I am sure you will get useful insights from them - I have not only done this in the past but also chatted to teachers about their opinions about who to invite to my young dc's parties, even - and the teachers have always been delighted to tell me what they think about class friendships etc!

What do I say when I rsvp, as I don’t know her and will be walking in not knowing her or the birthday girl? Say thank you yes please and give a tel number or email address.

What’s the etiquette re presents for the child? I would say around £6, which is perfect for a puzzle or art kit or similar

Does my dh come to the party too? only if you think it will be hard for you to be there on your own with both your dc's - your dh could linger close, go for walk in pram, etc and you can explain that at the time.

Does my daughter dress up or in play clothes? I personally would def check this with nursery staff who know the other mother! It is anyone's guess what kind of family they are and the dress code!

I’m breastfeeding a six month old, can I bring him to the party? I think yes, but again think it through how you will manage it, how your 3 year old (dc is 3?) will likely react to the party (mine used to get very over excited) and whether your dh can go for walks around the block with the baby.

I won’t know anyone there and am so scared but will do it for her. Lots of people from all walks of life will feel scared so don't worry, focus on what is going on around you, keep your dc under control and smile a lot : ) Lots of parents chat a lot and are lovely to chat to - about work, holidays, random things etc. Some dads will take their dc.

Are there any unspoken party rule things I should know about before we go?? those already covered, and the sort of rules which apply at play groups to do with keeping your dc happy and under control and joining in with a light touch.

I usually RSVP something like " Thanks for inviting X to Y's party- he'd love to come. Any ideas for Y's present? See you next Saturday, Sleepyhead, X's mum."

I spend max £10 on the present, aim for less - Tiger & The Works or Pound shop are good for wee cheap gifts. Craft kits get you more for your money but if still at nursery they might be too young yet.

I've often not met either the mum or birthday child but it's usually obvious when you get there who's who.